Resiliencey - why can some people bounce back faster than others

[KiaKaha]

I have been thinking about this lately, and I wanted to make a thread on it to get some feedback.

I went to a lecture a few weeks back about resiliency - the ability to get over adversity and move on. Mostly the room was divided with opinions - some saying it was state of mind and attitude where as others were saying that there are factors beyond out control, from innate psychological reasons to external forces in our environment.

Now it's pretty obvious from my point of view that I dont have all that much. One minor setback and I get depressed for months....I feel miserable and wallow in despair... I am unsure as to why this is, but in saying that I still dont have it as bad as some others, some people have it far far worse off for far far smaller and more trivial setbacks.

So what I am asking is....why?

Why do some people have more vitality and endurance and some others dont? Can those who have less resiliency learn to overcome their problems better? Can one understand that those who are weaker to over coming lifes problems be sympathized with? Especially from those who are naturally stronger and have better coping mechanisms? Do you believe that the ability to bounce back is a state of mind or do you think that there are greater forces at work?

But most importantly - why is that some people have the ability to overcome misfortune easier than others? What is the difference....aside from an attitude - because some people cant grasp that mindset.

 

[MikeyC]

My best friend bounces back from adversity really easily. He and his girlfriend split up, his roommate moved out, he's been rejected by countless girls, and yet he's as happy as they come. He knows good things are happening for him.

If all that happened to me, I would be wallowing in a hole, wondering why I don't end it all at that very moment.

His attitude to dealing with setbacks is very good, which is something I don't have. If I did I would be a different man today.

Sorry to make this all about me, but I'm only going off my own experiences.

 

[psych]

Sorry to make this all about me, but I'm only going off my own experiences.

I do that too.


A healthy sense of humor can be one helluva coping skill. It's either laugh or cry... For the most part, I'd rather laugh.
Naturally, one has to have a 1st reaction to any given situation... But, then you can choose to wallow in it or not.
Having a support system is really important for some. I know it is for me... Though, I don't have much in the way of that. What I do have is quality.

 

[KiaKaha]

^^ Thats OK man, most people relate their own experiences when talking about the topic at hand, no need to apologize.

But you bring up an interesting example - if that happened to me too, I would feel exactly the same way.

In fact I pretty much do.

So the question is - what is the difference between your friend - and people like us...

I dont think its attitude (although that is related...) I think its something else....

 

[MikeyC]

Having a support system is really important for some. I know it is for me...

Of course, and this is the same for just about anyone, I reckon. My friend has a loving family and a lot of good friends around him so I think they help him out when he needs it. I'm probably his least-happiest friend.

So the question is - what is the difference between your friend - and people like us...

I dont think its attitude (although that is related...) I think its something else....

I'm not sure, mate. If I had the answer that would be a lot easier. I think he has a generally more optimistic temperament.

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I think part of it might have to do with brain chemistry that allows people are more "natural" tendency to be able to bounce back better.

I also wonder if it depends on how we were raised and what kind of environment we grew up in. I think it depends on the kind of parents we had and what their mental health was like. So maybe a combination of nature and nurture. But maybe it has a lot to do with how people are naturally introverted and naturally extroverted. So whatever causes someone to be an extrovert is the same thing that causes them to be able to bounce back easily.

I have a friend who has been through A LOT in her life, sometimes I don't know how she handles it. But she is still positive and happy and just bounces back. She is also very extroverted and friendly with people. I worked with someone in the past who had the same personality type.

I think attitude plays apart too. I mean, I would imagine that the people who are able to bounce back easily don't allow themselves to repeat negative thoughts to themselves or beat themselves up.

 

[O'Killian]

My knee-jerk reaction was that it is a matter of attitude. I say this as a person who self identifies as resilient. I will admit I've had blessed few trials or tribulations, but apart from the one time I just took the path of least resistance and shut down completely (which is what lead me to today...), I've dealt pretty well with bad things and moved on in short order. I'm also extremely introverted, so extroversion and resiliency don't seem inextricably linked to me. Maybe nothing bad enough has happened to me yet - maybe someday, I'll break. But for now, I'm good.

Oh, right, attitude. The thing is I don't think attitude is something you can exactly change easily, and everybody seems to have a different default. When something bad happens to me, after the immediate reaction, I tend to get angry and/or indignant. I immediately, as a knee-jerk, look to assign blame to something external to myself - usually the situation, oftentimes people, never myself. (This is, of course, wrong in and of itself in some ways; I do my best to act rationally from there). Usually I can move on from there, accepting the things I cannot change and looking to the future.

That doesn't explain why, or really help others though, does it? I dunno about brain chemistry or whatever, though I do know some personality traits certainly seem inborn. I have no doubts that our environment and our experience largely inform how we react to things. Unlike a lot of folk around here, I wasn't bullied and I had a very comfortable childhood. My social issues, I believe, stem from apathy and ignorance rather than a lack of self esteem.

I have to admit - it is extremely difficult for me to truly comprehend not being resilient, or being clinically depressed. They're both out of my realm of experience, so at best I can just imagine myself at my saddest and maybe kind of glimpse a shadow of the concept. I cannot sympathize at all, but I can empathize. I want to help, but it's difficult for me to even know how. The best I've been able to do is simply listen to folks, and help them reason through things. I have trouble offering kind words or words of encouragement because, to me, they often feel empty - things that are so blatantly obvious to me, to state them would seem to be an insult. I suppose that's really a problem, huh?

I dunno if this is helpful, but I thought it might be worth having some thoughts from the other side of the spectrum, as it were. Maybe I'm just a deranged optimist, but I do believe regardless of what a lack of resilience stems from, people can change, for better and for worse. You can learn coping mechanisms and retrain behaviors. You just have to work at it, intellectually, rather than it coming naturally. And that can be a very hard thing, I know.

 

[EscapeArtist]

Everybody is going to have a very different response to this. I feel like it has to do with their neurotransmitter levels, and also their hormonal balance . Cortisol and adrenaline are the things that make us feel stressed, and some of us have high levels of these while others maintain lower levels of these. Environment is what makes these hormones react, but none the less, some people have more of a constant release of these stress hormones, so that direct events may put them over the top in their levels of stress hormone. For instance have you heard of adrenal fatigue? It's a condition where the adrenal glands have become extra sensitive to stress. The adrenal glands are attached to your kidneys, they are responsible for the creation of most hormones (including cortisol and adrenaline, your flight or fight response). When one has adrenal fatigue, they adrenal glands have been heavily secreting these hormones for so long that they grow tired and extra sensitive to stress.. It actually makes people biologically LESS adaptable to stress and less able to handle stress.

"Adrenal fatigue is produced when your adrenal glands cannot adequately meet the demands of stress.* The adrenal glands mobilize your body's responses to every kind of stress (whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological) through hormones that regulate energy production and storage, immune function, heart rate, muscle tone, and other processes that enable you to cope with the stress"


Second after that it has to do with habits. If a person is used to picking them selves up it comes naturally. If a person has learned that going on a run in the morning is more beneficial than staying in bed on the computer, and they take action on it, it will help them move on.. Helpful habits are formed out of the practice of self-care and self-love

 

[Gaucho]

persons who in life have experienced accomplishments, know that they exist, and they know its worth getting up again, they have a strong mentality got over the years automatically.

reading your post i would guess you are bipolar, it would describe your mood swings. i have that too.

 

[Srijita52]

Maybe its a combination of personality and experience? Some people are able to handle adversity better. They can bounce back and move on quickly while others might end up being depressed for weeks over a simple rejection. I'm not sure if its true but I've seen the more sensitive the person, the harder its for them to bounce back.
Experience might play a role too. If a person always had negative experience with others, there might be a point where they can't take it anymore.
I'm not sure if I made any sense here though.

 

[KiaKaha]

Does anyone else have any thoughts on resiliency? I think this is actually a fairly valid and intriguing topic.

 

[Lea]

Everybody is going to have a very different response to this. I feel like it has to do with their neurotransmitter levels, and also their hormonal balance . Cortisol and adrenaline are the things that make us feel stressed, and some of us have high levels of these while others maintain lower levels of these. Environment is what makes these hormones react, but none the less, some people have more of a constant release of these stress hormones, so that direct events may put them over the top in their levels of stress hormone. For instance have you heard of adrenal fatigue? It's a condition where the adrenal glands have become extra sensitive to stress. The adrenal glands are attached to your kidneys, they are responsible for the creation of most hormones (including cortisol and adrenaline, your flight or fight response). When one has adrenal fatigue, they adrenal glands have been heavily secreting these hormones for so long that they grow tired and extra sensitive to stress.. It actually makes people biologically LESS adaptable to stress and less able to handle stress.

"Adrenal fatigue is produced when your adrenal glands cannot adequately meet the demands of stress.* The adrenal glands mobilize your body's responses to every kind of stress (whether it's physical, emotional, or psychological) through hormones that regulate energy production and storage, immune function, heart rate, muscle tone, and other processes that enable you to cope with the stress"


Second after that it has to do with habits. If a person is used to picking them selves up it comes naturally. If a person has learned that going on a run in the morning is more beneficial than staying in bed on the computer, and they take action on it, it will help them move on.. Helpful habits are formed out of the practice of self-care and self-love

Great answer.

 

[gustavofring]

I always wonder how much is psychological (a negative mindset, beliefs the fear, the anxiety, the compulsive thoughts) and how much is physical (actual brain chemicals) and what comes first. The chicken or the egg?

I believe a positive mindset can change a lot, but if there's just something in your head that makes you feel tired and anxious and easily stressed, how much is that mindset gonna help you? Especially if you tried again and again , but you fall back in the same negative destructive habits..

This is why it's so hard for people with no SA or depression to understand it. Everyone has their downs, but some feel their downs are the same as ours and we just need to "Snap out of it". If it was so simple...

 

[mikebird]

The main difference is about which needs to be overcome - now, or in 10 minutes, or 30 minutes, next hour, midday, and so on, midnight..?
Next day
Next week, month, quarter...

One thing to accomplish? Beat someone at squash? Run away from a fearsome growling dog? Pass all exams with top grade? Then the next day is perfect?

There is scope. I guess it's about age.

If you were born crippled, in a wheelchair, deaf and blind, you wouldn't be able to accomplish the above. If your parents and siblings were all dead when you were 10, there might be a lot of things you can't fix, with just an awesome amount off effort.

I like the suggestion not to dwell in the past, and concentrate on now.

But anything from the past, because you made a mistake, someone else caused you a problem, such as a corporate entity, or a legal requirement to stop you, there is no way out. Things are compounded over time. It's hard to make anything better as time goes by, like a ratchet. Clonk

I do love being able to repair / heal any machine, or replace it, and the body fixes itself after cuts, scratches & bruises.
Elemental disasters are different. When things are beyond your control, you'll get some respect, if you also get lucky. There could be regret from digging you own hole, if you can't climb out.

Autism or that word when you can read properly - dyslexia?, or you start with asthma? That was not your fault! Would anyone want to employ you? No. Marriage?

LUCK is everything. Effort does not suffice.

I was resilient enough to put up with I/V treatment at age 7, from people who made my blood problems worse, originally caused by a menopausal mother

 

[coyote]

regardless of whether the things that hold you back are learned or inherited, it is possible to be trained to overcome your natural and/or your conditioned instincts

i know this to be true, because i have experienced it for myself.

i came across this video, and i post it as an example:

Toward the Sounds of Chaos: Operation Moshtarak - Marjah Combat - YouTube

regardless of your politics, i think you can appreciate that a warrior's training enables him/her to overcome the natural fear to run from danger, and instead run towards it

instead of gunfire, imagine they were talking about approaching a potential mate, or giving a speech in front of a classroom, or posting a video of themselves on Facebook

all it takes is the desire and the training to overcome those fears - to get to that tipping point where the need to get it done outweighs the fear to do it

it can be done

 

[gustavofring]

Inspiring. Thanks Coyote.

 

[Ashiene]

I was never a bouncy baby...

 

[KiaKaha]

I would of thought this thread would have incurred more discussion.

I am in the mindset that it can be done to an extent - but also that adaptability has its limits - there has to be more of a reason than a mere decision to overcome fear.... there has to be reason why people behave the way that they do and why they put themselves through so much anguish.

I know that the mind has some amazing properties and that peoples capacity for survival knows no bounds - but I also feel that not everyone has the capability of being as strong as everyone else, and I feel that that fact needs to be acknowledged... some people DON'T have a lot of resiliency, their cognitive functioning and the way that they perceive the world and interpret information is very different from our own reality - so much so that we find it difficult to comprehend and understand others behaviour and beliefs because its so drastically different from our own.

I think all of us have limitations with our capacity to overcome adversity. Some people do it well, others not so much - and I think that there are factors beyond our control that determines this. What those are exactly - I am not 100% sure of...although, I do have a few ideas and am currently reading a book on this very subject.

 

[EscapeArtist]

What is the title of the book? I have been thinking about this VERY often and also believe it comes down to factors out of our control (unless rather knowledgeable, that can be influenced with time and effort, but none the less, it's a biological reaction that we can NOT immediately choose to avoid). Gosh, I am confused about what to put in brackets and what not to.... And thanks Lea!

 

[gustavofring]

I think it's easier for people who are well-established. Active social life, a steady job, getting acknowledged and approved in their life. When there's a setback these people have lots to fall back onto. If someone doesn't like them or they're somehow let down in life, they can let it go easier and bounce back from the adversity. Their "resilience" is better wired because they have lived this way for years. Their cognitive systems have been built up and they have strong psychological foundations.

Social phobics, some of us are unemployed or in a job and life where we feel miserable, our relationships with family members are often quite bad. When we fall into a hole, we don't have much to cling back onto.