Relationships

[rcnm]

I think it's gonna be pretty long, but... I need an advice and I'm totally unexperienced.

Well, I think I am a pretty difficult person. I want to have everything under control and do the things extremely right. I'm that kind of person who wants to "save the world". So, I try to be the best daughter for my family, the best student, etc etc.

However, when it comes to relationships (not only dating, but also friendships), things are really hard for me: my conversational skills seem to be nonexistent. I have different views, different perspectives, and I think that people don't really appreciate talking to me.

I have a few friends, but we rarely see each other and I think that's the reason our friendship "lasts". I believe they also see me as a "weird" girl, and sometimes I think that they don't have patience with my "weirdness". That's especially complicated when it comes to a group of girl friends, because one of the subjects that they always bring up are "boys" and "dating"... And that's a huge hurdle for me.

Some boys have tried to contact me and they told me that they liked me, but I was very obsessed about going to the best college, getting good grades and making my family proud of me. Besides, I am so shy that I used to "run away" when I saw a guy that liked me.

As a result, I'm a 22-year-old girl, who never went on a date with a guy before. Now I see everybody in a relationship and I see how immature I've become. My friends need advices and I cannot help, since I have zero experience in this "love stuff." Besides, when I really like some boy (and if he likes me back), I constantly "repel" him. They probably think I'm a freak, since I don't speak much so as to avoid saying stupid things. Hence, nothing happens and I let them go.

Now I have a crush in a guy that was my teaching assistant in one of my courses. I thought that he liked me back, but I wasn't sure (the uni policies are clear about not being romantically involved with TAs). My friends insisted that I must add him on facebook, but I couldn't. So, after the quarter ended, I had the guts to add him (after thinking a thousand times before doing that). After a few minutes, he confirmed me as a friend. A whole week has passed and he sent me an inbox asking "how are you? what courses are you taking this term?". I've answered and asked about him. He replied telling me about his courses and asking about the professor for one of the courses I was taking. Then, I've replied and the conversation stopped there.

The strangest thing is that he's sent me the first message after being tagged with another girl in a photo. I thought that nothing would happen after that (I thought the photo was a signal of him saying "not you"), but the message came in my inbox after that... :idontknow: A whole month has gone and we haven't talked since that. Like me, he never posts on facebook (NEVER) and he never likes any photos he is tagged in or comment on then (yes, I'm a stalker for people that I like :bigsmile. However, he has posted something recently and also liked and commented in a photo his brother posted. I think that he might me shy, but I don't know (maybe he just doesn't like me)... I really think he is a good guy and I want to approach him, but I'm running out of time (we are going to finish our studies and probably go back to our cities).

I need to stop letting people go, but how? Specially when I think I'm so "weird"?

OBS.: Some of my guy friends also tell me I have low self-esteem. They tell me that I'm pretty (I really don't think so) and smart, but I just cannot talk to other boys

 

[innersmile]

Hah, I'm kind of in the same situation, altough I was the one who took courage this time and started pursuing a man who seems to be just like you.

Your guy might be shy, but maybe he's waiting for a signal (just like me). If he's equally shy, he made the first move and now expects you do the same. It all depends how you replied to him. If he's insecure as well, maybe he needs you to write to him or make contact, as I wrote before. People like us need the confirmation that everything we do is OK. Maybe he thinks you're not interested, even if you replied to his letters. And in return, you think the same. But deep down you both yearn to talk to each other. You'll never know.

The best and most harmless way is just to write and ask what he's been up to or what are his plans and so on. Simple questions (people do this all the time) and won't require much emotions. If he seems reluctant to answer, then ... maybe you should leave it. He may be shy, but then again - you've also opened a door and if he misses his opportunity ... Is it worth it? I mean if you also show a little interest and he only writes back 'OK' or 'Fine. You?' and nothing else, I wouldn't bother.
___

It's an old saying, but you really should listen to your heart. Even people with OCD, SA or any other kind of 'thing' can, deep down inside, make a decision if they like someone enough or not. If you really like him, just take a deep breath, write something and wait for a reply.

You sound a lot like me, though I'm older, but I can relate pretty much. Sometimes we just have to overcome our fears, wheter it's relationships or something else. Believe me, taking initiative into your own hands for even once builds up the confidence to do the same in the future. You may get burned or vow to never again behave like this, but at least you'll know.

As for this 'love stuff' in general - I'm almost 30 and still alone, with my cat. My views are different from the so-called central opinion. So believe me, you may think you are the weird kid, but there are plenty of people who think it's rather normal. Don't ever think you're not enough of worthy or you're weird, because you don't think like majority.

So, to your original question. In order to not letting this one go, ask him how he is or what he's been doing or what are his plans for the summer. Just strike a casual conversation (I know it's hard), but in the end it really pays off.

I hope you understood my rambling.

 

[rcnm]

Thanks, innersmile!
I hope I can deal with this situation, and I wish you can deal with yours too.

Thanks a bunch again! XD

 

[paperie]

Unless he is extremely shy, I think if he was interested he would keep trying to purse a conversation with you and wouldn't just let it drop. I'm not trying to be a debbie downer, just my take on it. Butttt he also might be slow with responding or busy so maybe he will get back to you eventually. I don't think he would've accepted your friend request or sent you a message if he thought you were weird though. It wouldn't hurt to try to start a friendship with him, get to know each other better and see what happens.

 

[rcnm]

Thanks for your reply, paperie!

Unless he is extremely shy, I think if he was interested he would keep trying to purse a conversation with you and wouldn't just let it drop.

That's what I think too. The problem is that we hadn't talked too much before and we are not too close. So, I don't have much to say. Neither does him. I think he tried to ask what he could, and I didn't ask any other things, so the conversation dropped.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Hey! You're more normal than you think. Approaching the opposite sex can be daunting even for the most socially adept. Keep in mind, those that rush into relationships recklessly, aren't any happier.
It sounds like you're slowly coming out of your shell. I think you'll end up meeting a great guy. Just keep yourself open to the possibility of "love" and it will happen before you know it.

 

[JohnnAY]

Louis CK: Dating - Oh My God - YouTube

We go through the same thing, don't worry :]

 

[OceanMist]

Not being experienced doesn't make you immature. Nor does it make you any worse or less than anyone else.

 

[jc972]

I think you have a lot going for you. Maybe more than you think: going to school and whatnot. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you!

 

[rcnm]

Hey guys, thanks a bunch for all the replies. It's really comforting to know that I'm not alone.

I feel a little down for never being able to date, and my friends also think I'm a little immature because of that. They tell me it's not a big deal, that I should have some experience, even though I don't really feel that I like someone... The thing is that I don't think it's right. And, sometimes, I feel awkward because I cannot discuss anything about that with them, and I feel that they are sick and tired of me talking about career and university issues.

However, I will focus on my studies and interests, they are my instruments to make some difference in the world... and I wish that I will find some nice guy someday, a person that respects and likes me the way I am.

 

[Flanscho]

My circle of friends is based on people I have something in common with. That results in us seeing each other, no matter if we try to or not, and getting to know each other better and better.

 

[OnlyAlice]

I am shy, but I've overcome a lot of it by being comfortable with myself. Even when I'm not comfortable around other people. I have confidence it my opinions, my likes and dislikes and very open-minded which helps in social situations. If you listen and respect the people speaking to you even if you disagree, they should reciprocate with the same. And that is socializing. In regards to the shy guy, he may be saying "Should I get involved with a student?", "Will it cost me my job?". Have you considered hitting him up on Facebook after the semester ends? Men care a lot about their careers, especially shy guys so if he knows it's against policy, then wait til it's not an issue for him.

 

[rcnm]

I am shy, but I've overcome a lot of it by being comfortable with myself. Even when I'm not comfortable around other people. I have confidence it my opinions, my likes and dislikes and very open-minded which helps in social situations. If you listen and respect the people speaking to you even if you disagree, they should reciprocate with the same. And that is socializing.

Yes, you're right. That's what I'm trying to do. I guess I have some weird attitudes many times and that's what makes me isolate myself... but I'm working on it. Meditation is also helping me calm down and have more self-control. There's still lots to improve on though.

In regards to the shy guy, he may be saying "Should I get involved with a student?", "Will it cost me my job?". Have you considered hitting him up on Facebook after the semester ends? Men care a lot about their careers, especially shy guys so if he knows it's against policy, then wait til it's not an issue for him.

Yes, my friend insisted on that I should add him, that it wouldn't be a problem.. He talked to me once and the conversation died fast.. He's moved away, I believe that's it...

 

[mikebird]

A good friend studied psychology, like most of the people at our university. What this involves is an understanding of English. Mine is good.

He's got into IT for a long time, like me, which surprised me. He's had patchy relationships. We've made good quartets where 4 of us go to good places together - different towns and countries. We all split with girlfriends. Recent splits are regular and the news is the same for a while. Good to share; that I'm not the only one alone.

This one mate has been with a job for a long time. I bought him a book about IT Contracting, which he's not tried. I'm envious of his position. He whines about the people in the team who he doesn't like because they're boring, annoying, which is really similar to the situations I've been in. He can be based from home and across the mid south west of England, so he doesn't have to deal with those staff much at all. We have a background of music and festivals.