Reasons why I think exclusion is wrong

KiaKaha

Banned
I have been doing some thinking about exclusion, and I wanted to make a thread to express why I find it so distasteful, and why its something I feel is detrimental to the well being of society as a whole.
I guess the reason I feel this way is because I often feel left out and unimportant myself - and when I see it happening from an objective outside perspective.... I feel a twinge of sadness .... and annoyance, and I wonder why no one else seems to be able to sense just how much hurt exclusion can cause other people....

- Why is it people dont like feeling excluded themselves but are quite prepared to do so when they are in a position that allows them to do so?
Lets face it... Nobody likes to feel left out, its not a good feeling.... and if one is subjected to exclusion enough, their mental and physical health will suffer. So why is it that if we all have an innate sense of needing to belong, we are prepared to form cliques and groups that include only some people and not others? Isnt that just a little hypocritical? I wonder... how would it feel if people in those groups were on the outside instead? Would they still agree with exclusivity?

Elitism

What makes people think they have the right to exclude....? My personal value is that ALL people have something to contribute - and should be allowed the same basic rights as everyone else. Now before anyone starts, let me say this - I am not talking about groups of people, or organizations that have a common interest - I realize everyone is different and have individual values and pursuits that we all find important, not everyone is going to see things the same way. What I am talking about instead is common ground that we all may share, and all have something to contribute toward. Let say for instance I join a club of somekind - lets say a shooting club. I attend, I participate, I get involved with the activities and hone my skills - but from THAT group, stems another group - more or less the same thing - but only open to invitation. Why is it that that group has more weight? But more importantly... why is it only open to invitation...when its the same thing?

Equal Opportunity

One thing that I have always felt deep inside of myself and that I am very sensitive too is indirect discrimination. Unfortunately I cant prove this... its a feeling I have, not something that I have any real evidence for....and even if I could, I doubt very few of us would be willing to admit it.
Exclusion is part of this. All of us want to be part of the best. How many people want to associate themselves with people who are homeless? Or with people who have severe psychological problems, those who live in poverty, or who are diseased? Hell...lets make it more superficial... how about those who are obviously physically unattractive, who have no money, poor social skills... or even those who simply unemployed...?

I have noticed the more undesirable one is, the less people want anything to do with them. Its a cycle... sure there are agencies and charities to help those who live this way, but thats not enough. Its the exclusion, the blind eye that society has toward these kinds of people. No one wants anything to do with them, and as a result end up in situations most of us wouldnt think of, but I also think, that people dont realize that they are doing this. But even on a smaller scale - its the same thing. People want to associate with those who they feel can make them appear better off than they are.

Crime/Poverty

There is scientific sociological research suggesting links between crime and other social issues with those who feel they are not valued by society.
I read it in a book. Seriously... do I really need to explain why?

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly people forget when their appetite for their own desire is satiated.... When people get what they want, they forget about other people who dont have the same thing.... and before anyone says it, I do it too.. I am no exception. I think an awareness and a general consideration and compassion for other people is severely lacking in the world. I think selfishness is a self perpetuating cycle. I believe in affirmative action, I also find myself becoming more and more anti elitist. I sometimes wish that I was more likeable and that people would warm up to me a lot more... but deep down... I dont think I would really be comfortable with that (well perhaps popularity - it would be nice to have more weight and social standing so I could do something about it all. - but I also believe my inability to make people like me and desire my company keeps me grounded) I would rather hang out with the forgotten and unpopular, because they have just as much worth as anyone else.

I do my best to include everybody - I may not be the most positive person out there, but if there is one thing that I can say - I try to make everyone feel like they are wanted, because I know how it feels to not feel wanted.

/rant
 
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MikeyC

Well-known member
I think I know where this thread originated from, and I do agree. Unfortunately the world will never include everyone, and that's a sad fact.

I also find myself becoming more and more anti elitist.
Same here. It's like somehow a guy working in an office and who earns more money is somehow a better human being than I am. Not true. We're both humans.
 

KiaKaha

Banned
I think I know where this thread originated from, and I do agree. Unfortunately the world will never include everyone, and that's a sad fact.


Same here. It's like somehow a guy working in an office and who earns more money is somehow a better human being than I am. Not true. We're both humans.

No doubt, I realize that things wont be perfect and that some people will fall through the cracks - but it doesnt need to be that way, especially...when its so easy to change a situation. It just needs to take the right amount of desire and awareness to do so.
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
No doubt, I realize that things wont be perfect and that some people will fall through the cracks - but it doesnt need to be that way, especially...when its so easy to change a situation. It just needs to take the right amount of desire and awareness to do so.
I see exactly what you mean, mate. You'd be a really good Prime Minister. :)
 

MikeyC

Well-known member
LOL - That was unexpected - I wouldnt get elected, I am far too liberal.
But I digress away from the point...
I'm just saying because your against exclusivity and you'd make decisions based on the greater good rather than pleasing the rich or something biased like that. You'd be good at it. :)
 

Srijita52

Well-known member
I agree with all of it Kia but I've noticed sometimes when I try to include people they turn against me like I'm trying to be a jerk or something. Not everyone does that but some people do. I don't understand it, maybe its something that's wrong with me or maybe they just don't want to be included, well atleast not with me. Sorry if I made no sense lol.
 

KiaKaha

Banned
Its more about taking into consideration other people - that is all it is.

The thing that baffles me the most though is how quickly people forget. How would YOU feel if YOU were on the outside? Or is that something not to think about because you are included already so the point is moot...?

People only care when its happening to them.
 
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KiaKaha

Banned
I agree with all of it Kia but I've noticed sometimes when I try to include people they turn against me like I'm trying to be a jerk or something. Not everyone does that but some people do. I don't understand it, maybe its something that's wrong with me or maybe they just don't want to be included, well atleast not with me. Sorry if I made no sense lol.

Its OK Srijita - the fact that you try speaks volumes about your kindness to others. Not everyone seems to appreciate the efforts of those who try to make things better for everyone - although, nothing is ever set in stone - there are too many variables and other things going on that does not make any sense, because we cant see things from other peoples perspectives....at least not completely.... there is always a reason for the behaviour of others... but understanding that reason doesnt mean that I am going to necessarily approve.

This is something else I have noticed too - People dont care much for sympathizers. We are a dying breed.
 

MsBuzzkillington

Well-known member
I agree that when people exclude others on purpose it is a terrible thing. When you are friends with people or you chat with people and you find out that they have a secret group that you weren't invited to, it makes you feel horrible. It definitely does not feel good to be left out. Everyone wants to be included.

However I think sometimes excluding people is unintentional. Or that people aren't really excluding anyone, but it just happens to form that way. As far as any groups that have been created or chats that have been created, anyone is welcome to join. Everyone is accepting and welcoming and loves having more people join. It is just sometimes a problem of advertising it. I guess making a thread or something offering up the extra support could be done, but sometimes some people are afraid of posting on SPW so they find comfort other places. Sometimes I think other groups are made because the big forums can be too overwhelming and they like having a closer group of friends. It isn't that they want to exclude people, it's just that they need a smaller space to feel comfortable.

Also, in life you are going to run into situations where you get along better with some people than others. People naturally form groups of like minded individuals. I keep saying this a lot, but I don't think excluding people from these groups is really on purpose... it just happens. It would be great if everyone could join in and be included in everything, but that just isn't plausible. Especially because so many people have different likes, dislikes, interests, comfort levels and so on. It is kind of like I have a group of friends here that I am not that close with but they have known each other for years. They get along much better together and I am still kind of the quiet one who just doesn't fit in that well. They hang out a lot without inviting me and sometimes it sucks not being included, but I realize that they have just known each other longer so it is natural that they will just casually hang out with each other more often.

I always try and include people the best that I can. It breaks my heart if I see something that is "secret" or whatever and not everyone knows about it. If I find out about it after it has been going on, it makes me feel horrible for not being included. So I remember what it is like to be in that position, I know what it's like to feel alone. I am always aware of these things and I would never intentionally try and exclude someone. Sometimes I am a bit "too sensitive" about it too. I have a couple friends in Colorado and we played Mario Wii together. We played the entire game up until level 8 or something together then one day I went over to my friend's house and one of the people who played with us wasn't there but my other friend wanted to beat the game. I was really worried and felt really really really guilty because I didn't want to leave that person out of the game.

I feel like I am rambling and going back and forth and not making much sense. I feel like I am trying to make a point but not really getting there that well. :p Lots of different thoughts in my head I guess.

So I guess mainly I definitely agree that exclusion is wrong and we should attempt to try and include people whenever possible. However sometimes it is unintentional or it doesn't mean anything, so we should try and be aware of that as well and not take the exclusion so much to heart. It is definitely wrong when people are intentionally excluded and that is really shameful and unfortunate when it happens.
 

KiaKaha

Banned
^^^ Yes - after reading your post I did neglect to mention that sometimes exclusion is unintentional and that it is merely percieved. It is only natural that people with common interests will band together, simply because they identify with each other - thats the way people operate. Just taking a look at things as a whole its pretty easy to see - and its easy to understand why people dont like feeling left out because of this fact. We all want to belong and associate with people who make us feel like we are not alone in the world.

Unintentional exclusion is actually rather sad - because those who have nowhere to go wont even be noticed because no one even knows that someone is being left out.

Sometimes I think other groups are made because the big forums can be too overwhelming and they like having a closer group of friends. It isn't that they want to exclude people, it's just that they need a smaller space to feel comfortable.

I have noticed that smaller groups tend to branch of bigger ones whose members are far more confident, bold and prolific as opposed to those who are more reserved, hesitant and weaker - you would think that if this was the case - it would be those kinds of people who form smaller groups to feel more comfortable, and as for advertising - probably taking away invitation only, would be a good start.

Before anyone thinks it, I am not criticizing in an indirect way any individual or aspect of character. I am criticizing certain concepts in regards to exclusion in all kinds of situations - from school grounds to workplaces to people who have no one speak to because no one can be bothered - everywhere.

Anyway my opinion - apologies if this gets on anyones nerves - I think the way I feel is quite clear. Welcome to debate if need be. Thanks for putting up with my BS once again.
 

powerfulthoughts

Well-known member
Great post KiaKaha, very well put.

I would rather hang out with the forgotten and unpopular, because they have just as much worth as anyone else.

Same here. I hang out with a guy from my workplace that kind of gets a bad rap because he's a bit, let's say, "obnoxious," but not in a bad way imo. If more people would realize that we are all truly equally valuable, our world would be immensely better. And I don't mean the lame slogan kind of "we are all equal," I mean a true heart-felt belief and sincerity that it's true, because it is.
 

twiggle

Well-known member
I agree with pretty much all that's been said here. There are many different kinds of exclusion and yes, it's very important to acknowledge that a lot of time, such exclusion is unintentional.
I hate seeing people being excluded on purpose and for no reason. It makes me really sad, and if I'm part of a group or whatnot, I always find myself wishing I could trade places with somebody who is being excluded. It doesn't happen nowadays really, but perhaps back in school when it was all about which friendship 'group' you belonged to it was more prevalent and obvious to see.
I do my best to try and include people because I know how much it hurts to feel left out, but given the fact my social skills aren't always the best, I sometimes end up making a mess out of everything haha.
If I may say so, I find that sadly, there are too many occasions in which people can be quite selfish. They don't want to be left out, but they'll gladly take the glory of feeling a part of something 'elite', and they'll think it's okay to feel that way because they've been excluded from other things in the past. It does yet doesn't make sense.

All this said, I'm remembering when an old flatmate of mine said the rest of us were excluding her, because we were no longer inviting her on nights out with us. But the reason we weren't doing so was because we were getting sick of her saying abusive things to us and spoiling our evenings whenever she'd had too much to drink, and never apologising for it.

So yeah, rambling on again, I agree with you, though there are many grey areas. But yes, exclusion, when it's done on purpose for no reason other than pride, is pathetic and very sad.
 

dyingtolive

Well-known member
Sometimes there are very kind and sensitive people who dont forget to focus on people who are left out. This is a nice topic, thanks for posting, Kia, and thanks for acknowledging it.

Throughout the years, yeah, i know what its like to be excluded. On the other hand, there were times when I expected to be included but wasn't. I guess it was an exercise in distinguishing the line between my self-esteem and ego.. And expecting too much from people..

Another thing that's nice is affirmation. But sometimes too much spoonfeeding and hand-holding isn't always the way to go either.

There have been times when I felt really the warmth of being accepted, even if they didn't understand me, but just let me be who i was, and it is a very powerful and motivating feeling. But in every group or situation, i think there is the possibility to find that warmth of being accepted, even if you least expect it. And you don't have to wait for someone to give it to you.
 

Lea

Banned
I don´t quite know what happened to you or why does this disturb you so much? I can only speak for myself, I find it quite natural if I am in a group of people who are more extraverted that they kind of leave me out, but it´s logical and understandable, that´s why I don´t feel offended. I wouldn´t even feel comfortable if they tried to artificially include me and invite me everywhere when I am not the type for it.

What pisses me off a bit though are the adverts where they look for "happy smiley" people as I feel they discriminate me just because I am not. As if I was a worse person because of that, but maybe I shouldn´t take it personally. In fact I understand why they want them, it´s obvious and it´s their right to choose. Just need to go on searching until someone doesn´t mind.
 

KiaKaha

Banned
though there are many grey areas

Yes there are.

If I may say so, I find that sadly, there are too many occasions in which people can be quite selfish. They don't want to be left out, but they'll gladly take the glory of feeling a part of something 'elite', and they'll think it's okay to feel that way because they've been excluded from other things in the past. It does yet doesn't make sense.

Yeah - I mean that is what I was pretty much saying before, but you would think that perhaps one would empathize rather than perpetuate the problem (or perhaps they dont see it as a problem at all) - I dont understand how one can suffer (not just in regards to exclusion - but all kinds of areas) and then turn around and ignore, or even actively go against what it was that they were suffering from before...? Seeing as we are all products of our experience...

Another thing that's nice is affirmation. But sometimes too much spoonfeeding and hand-holding isn't always the way to go either.

Yes you are right, and thats something I would like to explore in the future... I do think affirmative action is a good thing.... to a certain degree, but there is a limit. I think it depends on the individual and the circumstances - I dont for a minute believe in constant spoonfeeding and handouts - not only does it make a person weak and dependent, but it is also insulting - but I do think people sometimes need more of a lift up than they often receive.

I find it quite natural if I am in a group of people who are more extraverted that they kind of leave me out, but it´s logical and understandable, that´s why I don´t feel offended. I wouldn´t even feel comfortable if they tried to artificially include me and invite me everywhere when I am not the type for it.

Yeah - it depends on the person. I interpret your post as you being more inclined to introversion... a choice or a natural disposition. Forgive me if I have that wrong. Its not really about that, its more about the exclusivity.... about why only for SOME and not for EVERYONE...whether by choice or not.

Sometimes I dont want to do certain things either.... but if I wanted to, the freedom should be there to do it if I chose too.
 

Kat

Well-known member
Some people may do it because you’re shy or a shy person may do it because they’re too scared and don’t really believe someone would want their attention or they themselves don’t really like attention all the time. It can be hurtful but it’s one of those things I think you have to be assertive about.
 

Lea

Banned
I think the world and people are unpredictable, things are often not the way they "should" be, life isn´t out of a textbook. Maybe we should count with this unpredictability.. we shouldn´t expect too much and what should be our textbook right, when it happens we should take it as a good luck.. as for me I always tend to count with the worst, so that then I am not dissapointed. Then on the other hand I am pleasantly surprised if the situation or the people aren´t that bad..

Sorry if it seems I am always talking about myself and how I experience it, it isn´t out of selcenterdness but I am a type who needs some particular examples rather than pure general abstract reasoning (which I´m not saying that´s bad).

This thread also reminded me of this:

http://www.dianaleafechristian.org/Documents/assumptions_and_expectations.pdf
 
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