Rant

[EscapeArtist]

I always feel so guilty about posting my depressing rants on this wonderful site. But I feel that I am losing all hope. I have, in 3 weeks, gone from inspired, ready, brave, content to depressed, careless, a void. The things I care so deeply about I can't connect to anymore, the wonderful future I used to tell myself WAS going to happen seems fictional and way above me. Instead of having nightmares I have wonderful dreams that I have fulfilled my deepest desires, I have found a home and people who accept me, I am living happily on the edge, and then I wake up to my life. These are worse than nightmares... I sit all day in front of this damn screen just thinking "What can I do to numb myself", I use the food i'm allergic to as my drug (gluten as opiates) and the only thing I look forward to is this, pot and alcohol. Even watching TV is painful, to see other humans happy and together is painful. I feel like all I want is a home and a family but instead I am rejected by my mother and my sisters... my mom really does hate me, she thinks I should live somewhere else, and my sisters...they only listen to me if I am speaking about them. A word about myself and I these people roll their eyes, sigh, get angry and walk away. I tell them i'm in pain or I tell them how lonely I feel and they tell me i'm being depressing, I'm affecting their mood, go away! But part of me needs comfort SO badly because I've never in my life received it in person because when I cry, my mom insults me for it and walks away. "Oh now, you're going to go and ****ing break down now?" This part of me has reverted into a desperate child who has for 10 years sat in the bathroom hugging themselves trying to be their own parent, putting on an imposter motherly voice and cooing to themselves. But why try? That voice will always be my own. I'm too old now to have that kind of attention, I missed my chance. Nobody gives love without wanting something from me, and why should they? My body has shut down, I no longer use this site very often because I have given up on connecting to people and I have given up on finding people who understand all that I need to say. I can no longer express my emotion or tolerate others because i'm tired of trying. This isn't me, this isn't how I am, I never give up but I don't know what to do, I can't find myself anymore. I want to sleep and cry and forget who I am and fade out. Rant over. Pointless.. I shouldn't have to always add this but i'm sorry for being depressing.

 

[Sial Axetder]

You're right. You don't need to apologize. I never tell anyone feelings in Socialworld.

You've got it rough. I don't think I can say anything that would help. With depression it is really hard but you have to find something you like to do. Just you. Something positive would be nice. Stick to it. That may help get you through these times.

I find doing something physically exhaustive clears the head. Running, walking, weights, something. Keep going forward.

 

[EasySkanking]

How about you give me the addresses & pictures of your mom/sisters and I just go kill 'em? Bam Bam Bam! No? LOL, sorry it's what my first thought when reading this... but I don't know... you seem like a very intelligent, persistant person. I think you're bound to find your way back up. It's good hitting "rock bottom" because you cannot go down any longer and you find that you "spring" your way back up and end up higher than you were before

 

[EscapeArtist]

Thanks you guys..
Sial- you're right. physical exercise is a must, and I haven't done much other than biking like once a week.. this is an obviously important factor that is missing in my life.

John.. good advice. I'll try to remember my older wiser self and keep it as a parental figure.. it's really good advice.

ES- good ol' fashion murder. Sounds good... lol. Yeah.. hopefully the lower I go the higher i'll come up.... I really appreciate that you always seem to be there to tell me my better qualities

 

[lunarla]

I can see myself in so much of what you just wrote at points in my life. Some more distant, some very, very recent. I also have some kind of maternal feelings upon reading it! Although I'm pretty sure we're not very apart at all in age, ha.

I think I've read in other posts that you do see a counselor/therapist. Hopefully you're still doing so! And hopefully he/she is one of the good ones that can actually offer some good guidance and stability in your life. I know how it is having to look outsideeeee your family and the ones who are supposed to be closest to you for help. It's not easy. I haven't even begun to reaaaally open up to my counselor and I've been seeing her for a year now. But at least it's something. I also want to ask you not to get toooooo deep into external, self-damaging outlets for relief. I understand experimenting, but try not to let it be solely how you choose to cope. Build yourself up and not break yourself down, right?

And I know I've said this in another post, but if you need to further rant to anyone, feel free to message me.

 

[Waybuloo]

I can see why you feel so despondent, given that you probably never had enough attention and affection from your family, especially your mum. We are supposed to go off into adulthood with self assurance and confidence gained from familial bond and love. I know it is hard but really you cannot rely on these people to provide you love and protection ( I mean of the spiritual and emotional kind). You have to find it in yourself. Create a mind's voice that is like a virtual mother. Maybe believe in a higher being, something to guide you. The ones close to you have failed you, but you can heal yourself. Whatever you do cannot be worse than what you are now because you have nothing to lose.

People do fail us, because most people don't want to listen to others' problems, at least not without getting something in return. That's just the way they are. You'll find the good friends will be there to listen but their patience and compassion is not boundless. People can help but up to a point. I have an understanding mum but she can get fed up sometimes and things she says make me feel crap and worthless.

Try to find some determination to do the best for yourself, do what you want to do, it might even be to help those less fortunate. Finding a purpose and even just occupying yourself with random activities can take your mind off your depression. I'm reading a book by Dale Carnegie called 'how to stop worrying and start living' and he cites countless examples of real life people who, at the depth of despair, stopped ruminating and busied themselves out of depression. I know you need a rant too though, we all do sometimes, allow yourself a big cry session because it can be cathartic.

You'll be surprised at the power of the mind over your body and general wellbeing. Freeing up your negative thoughts and feelings can create more energy for other things. You could be the poorest, most unfortunate soul on earth but if you change the focus onto something more productive and rewarding to your soul, the past doesn't matter.