people who seem too good to be true

[Harleyq]

Ever met someone who you felt was the epitome of wise, collected, and put together? Someone who always has the right thing to say, who is open-minded, understanding, intelligent, and easy to get along with?

What do you think of them? I'd like to know because I'm having some conflicting feelings about a couple of people and I feel a bit bad about it. On one hand, I have a huge amount of admiration for these people and I want to be more like them. But on the other hand, I feel...jealous? Almost angry. I think things like "There's no way you practice what you preach. Be realistic about yourself, already!" and I find myself thinking that these people know the best thing to say and they're gifted logically, but that they can't emotionally live up to their own words as a whole, because I feel that nobody can. Everyone has some characteristic flaw, but these people seem to have none.

And of course this makes me feel like dirt. Who am I to judge these people without really knowing them? And it's not right to feel this way about them just because of insecurities I have about myself. And I'M the one who's making them out to be too good to be true. Of course they have their own flaws, but it's not their fault that they know how to control themselves to appear otherwise, at least to me...

I guess I'm wondering if other people get these feelings, too.

 

[Scrabbl]

Statistically speaking there are definitely people who are emotionally / socially perfect. But I really don't want to believe that, selfish as that is. So now I'm just in denial.

Similarly, I'm in denial about the existence of genius with high IQs and photographic memories. They obviously exist but.. if there are people in my class who can learn the same material effortlessly and in a fraction of the time it takes me to learn it - that'll utterly destroy whatever confidence I have left lol

 

[THE LIVING QUESTION]

Aw man, you can't be serious can you? seems kind more philosophical to me. i mean what standard are you using to judge any of this? and is that standard universally applicable? whats the context? "emotionally perfect", "socially perfect". i'd really like to be introduced to who ever's point of view you are using, and see for myself how "perfect" he or she or they actually are. Sometimes we have to make our own standards instead of settling for others.

 

[THE LIVING QUESTION]

and yes! your avatar is MOST awesome. (how's that for a statistic)

 

[Harleyq]

Aw man, you can't be serious can you? seems kind more philosophical to me. i mean what standard are you using to judge any of this? and is that standard universally applicable? whats the context? "emotionally perfect", "socially perfect". i'd really like to be introduced to who ever's point of view you are using, and see for myself how "perfect" he or she or they actually are. Sometimes we have to make our own standards instead of settling for others.

..it's all relative...just anyone that you would consider to seem (which is not to be confused with genuinely believing or knowing) to be too good to be true, from what little you know of him/her. Whatever, that means for you. I'm not talking about a universally acceptable standard, just whatever kind of person would make this question relevant to you....I guess I'm asking about any person you may have met, who fits YOUR ideal of the best kind of personality/appearance, rather than people who seem to have it all by way of social norms, if that makes sense.

There are a couple of people whom I see no flaws in (from my perceptions), and they drive me insane because I know it isn't true. I know everyone has flaws and for 2 people I've had the pleasure to encounter in my life, I can't seem to find any. It's quite amazing, and infuriating to me, and mysterious, as it raises an enormous number of questions to me, which I'm too lazy to get into at the moment, lol.

 

[THE LIVING QUESTION]

oh ok. I'm straight on this now. And yes you make sense and well put considering how easy it is to branch off tangents. First thing your thinking strikes me as Librian. Are you a libra? Second is, to learn your nature. whether you are libra or not, once one knows their nature, they know what is natural for their particular nature. in any event, what you describe sounds natural, and the fact you are dissatisfied with these sensations is even more relieving. What a good conscience you have! You want to be fair, but in order to be fair you must experience inequality. so congratulations! so now, how do we allow you to not obsess. well first name the emotion...sounds like envy. what makes up envy?...1 a little remorse=due what you percieve as a misfortunate turn of events leading you to not have as they do...a little 2 dissapproval=for them having what you want, you feel you should have it (entiltlement/control issue)... you actually are in 3 awe= awe is a combination of admiration and fear (admiring them yet fearing you will never measure up to deserving the same)...and a little 4submission=what really makes envy bear fruit, when you give in, because submission is brought about only by love or intimidation, and this ain't love ...so now we isolated what makes up envy. you can tackle each component and maybe help you succeed in breaking them down. or at least understand better what beliefs or events are contributing to this thinking. you're doing great just by questioning!

 

[THE LIVING QUESTION]

yea the envy is causing you to "fault find". You are giving them way too much importance. you are better off finding people who value as you do, and are willing to play by your rules.
and willing to give you that thing (whatever it is), that would make you feel as awesome as you are.

 

[Scrabbl]

it's totally possible to have standards and definitions for this stuff. I'm gonna give u three ways you can define emotional perfection:

One way would be EQ - the emotional intelligence quotient. It's like the analogue of IQ. I'm sure you've heard of it. A person with high EQ would be very socially and emotionally competent.

my own definition for emotional / social perfection would be that if some guy is perfect in those aspects then he's personality would give him the greatest possible potential (potential as opposed to actual accomplishment) for success (in the pursuit of happiness, let's say) - as opposed to holding him back.

Another definition could come from Evolutionary Psychology. In other words you could rate different peoples personalities in terms of how well it is able to adapt to the environment that they're in. Obviously having SA would be a very maladaptive trait in today's society. having no shyness at all would also be maladaptive. So being "perfect" would involve having just the right mix of different personality traits to secure hte maximum chance of passing on ur genes

 

[limetree]

I put my closest friend's strengths on a pedastal and I felt so guilty for the jealousy. She was witty, funny, charismatic, intelligent...I wanted to BE her sometimes, yet I felt like she sometimes fit the mould of a people pleaser, which I disagreed with, so for awhile I started resenting her "fakeness." We never acted like close friends in group situations bc she was the social butterfly and I'd slip into mute withdrawal and felt the need to avoid her. I got frustrated every time she divulged her insecurities bc I assumed I would rather have her "flaws" than mine since the perks seem better. It makes me feel angry that I would trade in my own strengths for others', and it makes me feel guilty for pitying myself bc it seems I think my own "strengths" are underappreciated.

Ofc this perspective was not rational and I was pretty emotionally immature at the time. Just because I perceived someone to be the social ideal doesn't mean they are. You can't please everyone so you might as well please yourself. I respect people who don't necessarily play the social game, but reinvent their own standards anyway. I couldn't care less about judging people based on EQ, IQ, evolutionary desirability or whatever. Ofc I'm affected by the fact that other people do, but perhaps I'm just too much of an idealist, maybe we have the potential to be open minded enough to act more in accordance with equality principles regardless of these "success rankings." It's all about subjective well being.

 

[Scrabbl]

I put my closest friend's strengths on a pedastal and I felt so guilty for the jealousy. She was witty, funny, charismatic, intelligent...I wanted to BE her sometimes, yet I felt like she sometimes fit the mould of a people pleaser, which I disagreed with, so for awhile I started resenting her "fakeness." We never acted like close friends in group situations bc she was the social butterfly and I'd slip into mute withdrawal and felt the need to avoid her. I got frustrated every time she divulged her insecurities bc I assumed I would rather have her "flaws" than mine since the perks seem better. It makes me feel angry that I would trade in my own strengths for others', and it makes me feel guilty for pitying myself bc it seems I think my own "strengths" are underappreciated.

I know what u mean. I have a friend who is exactly like that 2

 

[evil feline space cadet]

Harley... Everywhere i go i meet people like that. It bothers me too 'cause you watch these people bonding with others while leaving quiet people like me out in the cold. Its damaging to the ego. So i do understand you.. I get jealous- but dont hate people for it. I attemot to learn from em..

 

[Lorraine Manca]

Ever met someone who you felt was the epitome of wise, collected, and put together? Someone who always has the right thing to say, who is open-minded, understanding, intelligent, and easy to get along with?

What do you think of them? I'd like to know because I'm having some conflicting feelings about a couple of people and I feel a bit bad about it. On one hand, I have a huge amount of admiration for these people and I want to be more like them. But on the other hand, I feel...jealous? Almost angry. I think things like "There's no way you practice what you preach. Be realistic about yourself, already!" and I find myself thinking that these people know the best thing to say and they're gifted logically, but that they can't emotionally live up to their own words as a whole, because I feel that nobody can. Everyone has some characteristic flaw, but these people seem to have none.

And of course this makes me feel like dirt. Who am I to judge these people without really knowing them? And it's not right to feel this way about them just because of insecurities I have about myself. And I'M the one who's making them out to be too good to be true. Of course they have their own flaws, but it's not their fault that they know how to control themselves to appear otherwise, at least to me...

I guess I'm wondering if other people get these feelings, too.

whoa, i get a weird feeling like that too. my room mate is perfect, and its freaky. she plays the violin and sings professionally, and makes perfect grades and the list goes on forever. i feel like such a loser compared to her! i still admire her a hell of a lot. but i get freaked that a person like that can exist. whatever happened to "no one's perfect"? that saying is so comforting! and then they come along and disprove it.

 

[iamthenra]

I'm jealous of you... You write so well, and are honestly gifted and intelligent when you write...

I do know how you feel about admiring others who know just what to say all the time... The person who I am thinking of, can get dates at the drop of a dime. He is so outgoing and gets along with everyone, and always seems to be the center of attention everywhere I go with him.... People see me sitting by myself with nobody to talk with, so they come over to talk to me, and a conversation only lasts about 5 minutes with me, then they leave... Yet, my friend is still talking to the same person and a whole group of ladies come over to talk to him... It just isn't fair. I'm nicer than he is.... I just don't understand it. It really is frustrating.

 

[worrywort]

yea I've met a few people like that. There was one guy I knew who was so funny and charming and charismatic, and the more I got to know him the more I realised that he really did practice what he preached too. He was incredibly kind and selfless and had tons of compassion, and I loved him. I thought he was a great bloke. But sometimes I'd find myself watching him almost wanting him to screw up, or to just show some kind of flaw or weakness. I think it's because I feel more comfortable around people that have flaws cause I know they're human just like me. Also, I think, if I'm honest, I probably feel a little intimidated being around people who I perceive as better than me. I've always felt way more comfortable hanging around with minorities or the "unwanted" people of society. I don't know whether that's because I can feel superior to them, or whether it's cause I feel on the same level as them.

I think when we come across people who are higher up the mountain than us we have three options. We could either try to drag them back down to our level. We could despair at how far ahead of us along the path they are and feel overwhelmed or guilty or bad that we'll never be as good as them. Or we can look at the path from us to them and use it as inspiration and just focus on the next step and then concentrate on taking that step and don't worry about all the other steps for now.

at least that's what works for me!

 

[Scrabbl]

I think when we come across people who are higher up the mountain than us we have three options. We could either try to drag them back down to our level. We could despair at how far ahead of us along the path they are and feel overwhelmed or guilty or bad that we'll never be as good as them. Or we can look at the path from us to them and use it as inspiration and just focus on the next step and then concentrate on taking that step and don't worry about all the other steps for now.

at least that's what works for me!

Or we can avoid them; cover our eyes and pretend they don't exist; convince ourselves that they're only perfect on the outside... And focus on our own paths instead. Because after all, your own path is the only one that matters.

The way I see it, a passion for life is the single most important thing a person can have. Because if you got passion, you would be able to accomplish great things; you wouldn't waste your time worrying about the past and the future; you'd be happy. And passion comes from believing in yourself. Knowing that you're the best and you can accomplish anything that you set your mind to.

It's real discouraging if you think that other people are simply better than you at everything & you have to play catch up. This is the kind of thought that holds people back from finding their passion in life. So it's the kind of thought pattern we have to avoid if we want to get ahead.

 

[Richey]

I tend to believe that the people you are describing have a combination of things in their favour. its like a lucky roll of the dice that has partly been shaped by their own self will but its probably goes a lot deeper. they possibly had a great family upbringing and their parents have great qualities so alot of the charm and wit is inhereted and influenced by them.

it could also be a friend they had that influenced them or the school they want to was a positive experience. if they also have great looks then you can tell they know how great they are. i had a friend like that, he was funny, witty, charming, had the looks, the swagger, played in a band, made friends instantly with anyone he talked to, yet i found out later that even at 26 he'd never had a real girlfriend.

what is interesting is that he walked the walk and talked the talk and could flirt with girls but never had the courage to actually take on a relationship, perhaps he felt more content with living that sort of lifestyle of flirting with any girl he wanted to rather then having one girlfriend, perhaps that was enough to please him. He was like the indian version of Vince from the mighty boosh. he had great taste in music which is partly why i was friends with him.

some people have that cool factor going for them because of the way they look and the personality they have going for them, perhaps in an alternative reality there is a different version of these people and its all apart of keeping the planets aligned.

funny thing is that virtually anyone can reach that level with enough practice but certainly having all the right traits inhereted helps.