Geno
New member
Hi everyone, I'm new to the site. In fact, I just signed up yesterday. I signed up because over the last year or two I've become terrified of interacting with people my own age. I'm constantly paranoid about people thinking that I'm a loser or a weirdo, or that I'm unattractive looking, and because of my paranoia I'm in a persistent state of fear. I want to be myself around other people but it's like my body just won't let me. I stutter, blush, sweat and act a general fool whenever anybody asks me a question or tries to interact with me in any way. I can't connect with anyone and I feel like everyone else is speaking an entirely different language than I do. I feel like such an outcast.
Back to my social problems. I can be funny sometimes, really. But no one else thinks that. It's like, I don't know, whenever I strike up a conversation with someone I feel like an actor who's just been thrown out on stage in front of a sold-out crowd and I don't have a single damn line to spit out. I'd love to join a club or something and meet people my age who like the same kinds of things but I'm paralyzed by anxiety. I'm such an awkward mess and I feel totally worthless and alone. Every single day. Alone. All I can do is just read a book or listen to music to try to find something I can hold onto in my pathetic little existence.
Since I started University I've lost contact with, like, 85% of my high school friends, and I haven't had a girlfriend since my senior year. In fact, I haven't even been on a single date since we broke up. I'm pretty sure everyone just thinks I'm a loser and that I have no friends, and I guess they wouldn't be far off the mark. My own sister doesn't give a damn about me and my mother and father don't understand how I feel at all. For instance, when my grades started to slip last winter and I told them that I thought about dropping out they called me down to the dirt. I've, in the past, talked to parents about my depression and suicidal thoughts, and when my father started yelling me into the ground he actually told me that "I wasn't scaring anyone" and that I should hurry up and kill myself if I thought that much about it. I immediately broke down mentally and was inches from the door when my sister and mother came to me, crying, and begged me not to leave. So that's been somewhat of a burden on me since then. That happened in March. I'm starting to consider his advice.
Also, my mom isn't much help either. She's a really devout Christian and we don't see eye to eye at all. Every conversation I have with her boils down to faith and that doesn't do anything for me. I guess I've become sort of nihilistic since high school. It's not like I enjoy not having a belief system, I just can't figure one out. There's just so much suffering everywhere I look that I can't justify believing that a god, or that the universe in general, has any interest whatsoever in any form of life. I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
If this were an ordinary day I'd have tried to make this post a little more cohesive, but I just can't do it right now. I tried to split it into paragraphs to make it a little easier to read. If anyone gets to the end of this I deeply thank you.
Back to my social problems. I can be funny sometimes, really. But no one else thinks that. It's like, I don't know, whenever I strike up a conversation with someone I feel like an actor who's just been thrown out on stage in front of a sold-out crowd and I don't have a single damn line to spit out. I'd love to join a club or something and meet people my age who like the same kinds of things but I'm paralyzed by anxiety. I'm such an awkward mess and I feel totally worthless and alone. Every single day. Alone. All I can do is just read a book or listen to music to try to find something I can hold onto in my pathetic little existence.
Since I started University I've lost contact with, like, 85% of my high school friends, and I haven't had a girlfriend since my senior year. In fact, I haven't even been on a single date since we broke up. I'm pretty sure everyone just thinks I'm a loser and that I have no friends, and I guess they wouldn't be far off the mark. My own sister doesn't give a damn about me and my mother and father don't understand how I feel at all. For instance, when my grades started to slip last winter and I told them that I thought about dropping out they called me down to the dirt. I've, in the past, talked to parents about my depression and suicidal thoughts, and when my father started yelling me into the ground he actually told me that "I wasn't scaring anyone" and that I should hurry up and kill myself if I thought that much about it. I immediately broke down mentally and was inches from the door when my sister and mother came to me, crying, and begged me not to leave. So that's been somewhat of a burden on me since then. That happened in March. I'm starting to consider his advice.
Also, my mom isn't much help either. She's a really devout Christian and we don't see eye to eye at all. Every conversation I have with her boils down to faith and that doesn't do anything for me. I guess I've become sort of nihilistic since high school. It's not like I enjoy not having a belief system, I just can't figure one out. There's just so much suffering everywhere I look that I can't justify believing that a god, or that the universe in general, has any interest whatsoever in any form of life. I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.
If this were an ordinary day I'd have tried to make this post a little more cohesive, but I just can't do it right now. I tried to split it into paragraphs to make it a little easier to read. If anyone gets to the end of this I deeply thank you.
:, but my point is that your thoughts and your opinions are the most important when it comes to you. If there's something you find wrong or lacking in your life, then work to change it. Maybe getting out there in the world is too much for you right now. If your university has a counseling center, you should go visit it. If not, try making friends with one of your teachers and coming to them for advice. That's usually what I do.
