One-Year Plan

[vj288]

Ah okay been a long time since I have last checked in, a lot has happened since then, let's see if I can cover it all!

First therapy. I did end up calling and making an appointment, I didn't do it until after break but I managed to do it. I sent him an email as well, addressing what I felt was the root of my issues, which was major. And I wasn't too over-dramatic, I did put it off and fear I missed parts, but for the most part it was well said. I'm glad I did, it made therapy 100X better than last time with him knowing what is really wrong instead of me trying to hide it.

At therapy, after all the catching up, the first thing he said was after reading the narrative sent and from what he remembered from our last meeting, was that longer term therapy is something he would suggest, seeing someone on a regular basis to help address the issue. Yay I'm crazy! :: It is a really big, deep rooted problem that he recognized, and if I want to have any sort of normal or fulfilling or happy life I know I have to address it. I have a huge incentive to work at this now though, and for that reason I think therapy will be even more helpful, I really do want to change and figure all this out. It's hard, but I'm working.

And I've been trying to do new things, try to get new experiences and even make mistakes, just be more open minded in hope of finding something that works. One big thing I did recently was try drinking. I went to my friends house over break and wow, drinking has an amazingly positive effect on me. I drank a lot, but no where near ****faced, and was not sober at all in the morning. I talked, easily. I may not have been a constant stream of chatter, but I said lots, and more than anything what I said and how I felt saying it. I had no wall telling me "don't say that." I felt there was no hump preventing me from saying something potentially stupid or wrong, or misrepresentative of myself. I had no idea a substance could effect me in that way, and have set up an appointment with a psychiatrist to see about getting some meds for that very reason. That's on Tuesday which I also have another therapy session, I'm nervous about that, I hope I explain my situation okay, my therapist is going to email him as well so that will be good. Not sure if I will get a diagnosis, maybe? I'm not sure, my issues aren't really a specific disorder, I'm just generally insane.

I do hope for meds though, I self medicated with alcohol before going to my last therapy session, I won't this time as I have an exam right before and would like to present myself sober to the psychiatrist I see later in the day. Just to cap off discussion about drinking, I have done it twice since and have managed to talk easily in those situations too (even if it wasn't in person). I do plan on doing it a more as well, not to use it as a crutch but to at least be able to get experience doing things, which I want. I want to talk, and I want to talk about things I never have before!

I'm caring less about things as well, which is not bad. I talked on the phone multiple times with my roommate in the room, and while it was a little constrained usually I don't at all. Oh, and also I picked up the phone period where I would usually just let it ring. Also though, I don't have to shower when I go out anymore, I'm not as concerned with being well shaven, or what my teachers think of my work. I'm starting to care less about what my parents think, or maybe more about meeting their expectations which is good. I have been losing that perfectionist mentality, which is by no means a bad thing. I have been getting lazy though, not being productive in exchange for time wasting activities. I am making a lot of progress, but I am letting it effect my other parts of life. I need to take some time to sit and plan out what I want, and how I should be spending my time. Part of it is that I don't know exactly what I should be doing at any given moment. Sooner than later I should do this, I am anxious for the semester to get over but I can't just waste it away, I do have things I can and should be doing now.

Some other quick things about what has been going on over the last month and about the future. I'll be transferring to a new school in the fall, it's all squared away and I'm just waiting for confirmation on acceptance, which I am not worried about getting. I have a place where I can stay about a mile and a half away, rent free and by myself, which is a sweet deal. Huge step for me, I'll need to take care of myself fully. Handle my finances, keep myself fed, go shopping and what not. I'll need a job as well, while I do think I have enough money to last the year at least I definitely need a job. I plan on spending a fair share of the money on a trip this summer, which is something that is terrifying but that I really want to do. I'm not sure how it will go, but I'm hoping it all goes well.

Um um what else. Oh yeah, so I started this about 6 months ago, so this is the half point about, and I honestly would not have believed you if you told me I would have made the changes I did. I am so dramatically different in many ways, I feel like my whole life philosophy has even changed. I feel it's better now, not that is bad before per se, but for me it's I feel for the better. I've attacked all these thoughts, I've become so much more open minded about things. I always thought I was open minded before, I was not. I had ideas in my head I wouldn't, I refused to change. I was so afraid of outside influences that I was even willing to consider the fact that I was wrong about anything that was what seemed to me to be infallibly correct (they weren't). I'm not sure if I'm going down the right road now, but I am but I'm at least trying out different roads instead of trying to go down one leading me no where good. I do have a lot, a lot to work on, I hate how messed up I am, but at least I am starting to understand the issue better and hopefully will be able to do something about it.

 

[Phoenixx]

It's great to see you trying new things and challenging yourself, vj. Keep it up! Good luck with your therapy too. Let us know how it goes!

 

[MikeyC]

Vj, you're making a hell of a lot of progress, even though you say there's still a lot to go. Therapy sounds like it'll do you a lot of good so definitely try to continue that.

Living on your own and rent-free is a dream not many of us can fulfill, so you got a good stroke of luck there. That's definitely a good time to start looking after yourself if you can and hopefully you land a job while you're there, too.

I will say that you shouldn't rely on alcohol to relax you and make you talk. However, knowing it's something you can use in some situations is probably relieving.

Good on you for all the progress you've made, my friend.

 

[vj288]

Okay i guess I should post this while it's still on my mind. I was frustrated about it earlier, and now I'm tired but I always forget things when I post later ::

So things are still going okay. I'm really looking forward to summer, sort of want this semester to end. I'm still working though, getting ready for that final push.

I've been to therapy twice now, today was good. For most of it we were talking about something I really didn't want to, but at the end he shined some light on something that may be productive. Told me I could email him about it before next session, I'm glad about that as it's easier for me.

I also had my psychiatrist appointment today. It started okay, and I got meds like I wanted (for "severe depression and social anxiety"), but the session itself was miserable for me. You see, before I went my therapist contacted him, they had some conversations I guess, and he gave him his notes as well as an email I sent him (I said it was okay). But the psychiatrist did not understand my current issues at all. It's not totally his fault, I guess I can understand, based on what he knew (which i think he more skimmed then really looked at) I can understand where he was coming from. But he sort of came into the session with certain assumptions and went off those, and asked his questions based off those false assumptions. I didn't really have the easiest time talking to him either, while he was helpful in his nature he was not what I would call warm or friendly. I sort of felt like if I corrected him he would get mad or annoyed with me. I knew he wouldn't have probably but it felt like that. It was so frustrating. I hated the entire session, I just wanted to leave. I hate that I was open, and was misrepresented and misunderstood. I'd rather there be no understanding than a false one. What was frustrating the most is that I couldn't correct him, and I by the end I felt like I was just saying what he wanted to hear. You see in the email I talked about the past and how it shaped how I feel in the present, but he seemed to not pick up on that. He was treating me like I was in my 15 year old mind set. I'm NOT! So it was all useless. I don't feel that way anymore, not really. I am not that religious anymore, I told him that even but he ignored it it seemed. He was hellbent on telling me I had a strain of religious ocd. I just felt like I gave up.

And I was upset about it for the whole three mile walk to the pharmacy to pick up the meds, and the whole 3 mile walk back. Then it just triggered a chain reaction of negative thoughts I couldn't stop. What if other people have gotten the wrong idea too? That worried (ies) me greatly. He was asking me questions that don't even apply to me and yet I answered them anyway. The perception he has of me and my issues are completely wrong and I hate it. And he said he'd contact doctor back home, I have no reason to oppose unless I thought there was something wrong with his thinking, which there was! Why did I not just correct him. Maybe I was afraid of not getting meds. And I have to meet him again! arg, I don't want that. Also insurance, I have no idea how that works. I may have to tell dad as to get reimbursement from insurance company. I don't want to do that either. But the whole session though I am so frustrated about. It just did not go well at all. I feel like it's all going to come back to bite me somehow. When you avoid a mistake it just gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. That's why you don't avoid. But I did, he may not have been the easiest person to talk to but I should have corrected him even if I was scared. It's just so silly. I hate it.

Oh well, did get meds though, even if I feel like I made a big mess. And therapy is still going okay. Just a speed bump, I won't go crazy over it. Well, any more crazy. I feel so much like I'm missing an important piece of this, but I haven't slept since sunday night so I am probably too tired to remember it. Hope it's not that important that'll make me cringe tomorrow.

 

[Acegame]

First of all, you got what you came for so thats good. And secondly you set another step in the right direction. You could have avoided going to the psychiartist or not even making an appointment, but you did. You shouldn't be to hard on yourself because you set a few steps that are difficult for you.

It's a shame that your session with the psychiatrist was very dissapointing and you felt you couldn't say to him what you wanted to say. Though sometimes certain sessions can make you feel even worse than before you came in, whereas other sessions are completely different. Also sometimes it takes a while to get comfortable with someone. That's what i know from my own experiences.

But eventhough he didn't seem to understand your issues you got the meds you came for. So it didn't change much on the outcome. It's not like he gave you meds for OCD (don't even know if they exist). I wouldn't worry to much about it. There's no damage done. Maybe you should be glad that you have another appointment with him so you can try and set things straight. You could even ask your therapist to talk with your psychiatrist again, or send him an email yourself. There is no shame in that.

And maybe you should consider talking with your parents about your anxiety and depression. I don't know them so i can't judge if you should or should not, but my parents were very understanding when i told them. I think they appreciated it because now they understand why i sometimes behave in a certain way. In your case it could help you with the insurance. Anyway, it's something to think about.

By the way, i really hope the meds will work for you.

 

[MikeyC]

Maybe if you meet the psychiatrist again you could tell him you were nervous on your first meeting and there's a few things about you you'd like to correct. Maybe he is cold and unfriendly but he is giving you meds and you've got to make sure he understands what you need.

I hope they work for you, though, whatever you got. You've taken the initiative to even get them in the first place so that's a very good step.

 

[vj288]

Okay, I'll check in again.

I feel like at this point I am still reaping the benefits from the "plan," but lately I haven't been actively or consciously been trying to accomplish a lot of the things I set out to do. While yes, I didn't clearly outline exactly what my goals were, as I knew things would change as I got deeper (and have they!) I haven't taken the chance to sit down and re-evaluate. I few things I have to comment on.

First, I'm just not doing things again. I am having this tug of war battle with the internet it seems, I give it a few inches every once and a while and before I know it's taken over all my time again. I need to start recognizing this before it gets to the point where it is now, which is doing too much unproductive things on it, to the point that now I feel like I have to cut myself off for a few days until I can remember how to not be on the internet again. I do have a lot of school work this week, plus a presentation at the end of a week eek that I need to focus on, so there are many different functions of the few days off. I shouldn't need to do it days at a time though, I should be able to take an hour or two a day whenever I want. I get sucked in to easily and before I know it I'm playing Tetris for three hours. Controlling stuff like this is something I need to work on, consistency is how I work best, not sudden bursts (I recall making that comment in my original post).

I have been going through the motions lately also though because I am really looking forward to this semester ending. My head is just not into my studies at all right now, and I feel like I'm getting senior-iteous, as a sophomore, as at the end of the year everything is going to change. I'm transferring, getting a job, living on my own for real, meeting people from here, just trying new things and pushing my boundaries. Now, the problem with this is that while the summer looks like a good time to start and work on things, there's nothing that is really preventing me from doing things here. If anything trying things here now is the best time, as everything will be erased in a few weeks. Talk to people, go out to places, just anything. I'm busy with school and other things, but I don't have a good excuse for not doing anything about it. I'll try to at least come up with some things to work on.

Therapy is ending too, and I'm starting (or not) that back home, as well as getting set-up with someone to provide me meds. I'll talk about therapy and the psych and meds for a second. I've been going to therapy weekly, I feel I am regressing and I'm working on issues that shouldn't be a problem for me at this time. I guess my mental health is sort of has a "water weight" of sorts, where depending on the mental state I am, how tired I am and how prepared for therapy I am influences how it goes. Last time I had to spend 20 minutes trying to verbal admit to him I do something, that he already knew I did. Saying it shouldn't have been a big deal I just struggled, I feel like I shouldn't have been. I don't know though.

The Meds, Prozac, have definitely been effecting me. I've been tired waaay more lately, and my appetite has disappeared a lot as well. I think a little today I saw the positive effects of it, I talked a little bit during my lab today when I usually wouldn't. I didn't say much, but it wasn't as impossible as usual. Weird really, I notice the result even if not a real difference in feeling. Good I guess.

Reminds me I need to set up a follow-up appointment with the psych though, something I should have done a few weeks ago. Now, I've reflected a bit on the visit, and well, looking back it didn't go as badly as I thought. Yes, some things he said just flat out upset me because I felt misunderstood in my present state, but he wasn't off the mark about a lot of things. He also said things I really didn't want to hear, that went against what I thought to be true, and made me feel stupid, but in the end were helpful to think about. He had a very no-nonsense approach, stating things plainly and did not baby me at all, as my therapist does. And well, I'm a big baby so I got all sensitive about things.

What he told me he thought I may have is Scrupulosity. Now, I can say with certainty that at one point I suffered from the obsessions and intrusive thoughts of this. With a much stronger emphasis on morals than religion, but I was a pretty devoted church-goer though, so it was a combination. While my theological views changed though I think so did the nature of this though. Fundamentally I think it's still the same. I've been obsessed with morals and "doing the right thing" for as long as I can remember. I mean, I'm a philosophy major, and my favorite fields are ethics and epistemology (philosophy of knowledge, which helps to define whether we can "know" what is right and wrong, and if so how). Morals and the "right" thing can be very independent of religious things, and for me they are. I could be an atheist and still obsess I think. My greatest fear, which I have had trouble defining in the past, is probably being viewed as a bad person. I want people to like me, I want to be a good person, and I care way too much about it. I act differently around different types of people even. I looked at "OCDP" as well, and meet many of those criteria as well. This symptom is the one I was looking at specifically though, which is fitting

excessive conscientiousness, scrupulousness, and undue preoccupation with productivity to the exclusion of pleasure and interpersonal relationships;

Now it looks like I'm trying to explain it to you guys, which isn't really important, I will just worry about being misrepresenting myself again :: If anyone is interested though you can ask me about it I guess, I love blabbering about myself ::

Also, I know I don't reply to a lot of the people who post in here, but I read all your posts and thank you for them, they are helpful to read. And to anyone else who reads my thoughts thank you, it's been 7 months if you can believe it!



PS. I forgot to add this to the part about, er well somewhere at the beginning. I would just add it in but I like how it is now. I also think I've been annoying and/or boring lately, which I think means I am annoying myself lately. Usually when I (and other people too maybe) think people are perceiving me a certain way. Maybe I have been annoying lately who knows Just another indicator I need some time.

 

[Phoenixx]

I hear you about the internet. It's a constant war for me too. Lately my studies have been so overwhelming that I've greatly reduced my time on the fun side of the internet completely. Between online courses, online quizzes, tutorials and images for digital art, I'm on those type of sites for hours. When I'm not on them, I get so sick of looking at a computer screen that I shut off my computer and don't even want to go back on it. However, on the weekends, I'm dying to jump back on here, and when I do I'm on for hours, neglecting all other work I have. I remember once last year at university, I shut off my laptop and shoved it in a desk drawer so I could focus on work rather than jumping on every second to waste time on Tumblr or something.

I'm relieved it's the end of the semester, but every single one of my teachers decided that they needed to cram us with work at the last couple weeks. Seems like the last two weeks already I've done homework 24/7. This week is basically the same too. Hope you have a lighter load than I do! I already sacrificed a math quiz in order to get a project done. (I also had my cousin finish typing my resume. : Hopefully I won't have to sacrifice anything else in order to get everything done. We can do this, vj! Only a couple more weeks left!

Nice to hear therapy and meds are making a difference already. Good luck with everything!

 

[vj288]

Ah, long time no post. I'll check in again.

So it's been 9 months since I started this, 75% of a year! The goal was to make big changes, and use my time productively to get those changes. At this point I can say I have gone through what I feel are very radical changes, both internally and externally (mostly internally though). I'm concerned a little I am changing too much lately. First let me say I feel I've really gotten better with my deepest issue, I won't say I'm over it completely but I am far from where I was 9 months ago with it. And I can say I'm feeling a lot better about it and am at the point I feel that I could be okay with where it is now, where I am now with it without improving more or working on it more. This is good, I feel I could be content, but still will continue to work on it.

Now that being said, I'm not trying to dwell on the past but I have to recognize it exists. I can't undo it, I have to work forward from where I am now. Yes, I have to identify where I went wrong in my thinking, I had a really wrong idea in my head, one that I don't want anymore, and that I want to change, and can change. I can't change the abnormal and unorthodox childhood I had though. I can't change that I was thinking and acting on an idea that I got in my head. It's...just a huge thing I have to consider. It does effect who I am now, and who I'll always will be. It's always going to be with me, it was a huge part of my life, and a part in which I was developing. I'll be different for that reason my whole life, it's something I'm never going to shake. I've worked a lot on it, and gotten to a lot better of a place with it, I'm just never going to be able to be at the place I would if I had progressed "normally," like I was "supposed" to. Not saying where I will end up will be worse or better, it's just not going to be the well traveled path. I don't know, it's just something I have on my mind.

And I think, lately, I am trying to run to far and hard away from this part of me. I am embracing every change that comes across me, I am trying to change so much, that I'm forgetting that some things are not in need of change. Or that different is not better always. I have to be more conscious about it, I've been in auto-pilot with the plan lately (not good) and am continuing to challenge myself and think about things and try to want things and do certain things, I need to control it a little better though, stay down to earth, realize what I am in fact doing. I'm more willing to "try anything once" than I ever was, I'm just seeing I'm starting to be careless a bit. A lot of it has been good, a lot of it. But just because I'm ready for things I've never been ready for before, and feel like now I have all these new doors opening for me, doesn't mean I should just run through which ever ones I can find without looking in a little first.

Bleh I feel like I explained all that poorly.

I have been doing a lot better in many ways lately, and feel I have the greatest potential now to be...somewhere I want to be. Content, okay with my life. I still have a long way to go, my hope seems more realistic now. It's not so distant in the future anymore, it's closer. I'm feeling good a lot of the time. Not sure if it's the change in my thinking or the prozac or the therapy I had, but something's going on, and right now it's good.

One thing I need to do is be more focused/controlled. I am wasting a lot of my time, acting irresponsible, just letting things happen. I need a little stricter schedule, at least to help me get done what I need and try to put my time to good use, which sometimes requires consciously thinking about how to use it.

 

[vj288]

Okay, time to re-evaluate.

I'll start by looking at my progress since I started, back in October I said I wasn't exactly sure what changes I want to accomplish or how I wanted to get them done, in many facets of my life and my person I think I have at least reached a point where I could be satisfied with. I really have come a long way! I did a lot of things, I was a lot more open minded to things, I made a point to focus on trying to really change and figure things out, and it's really paid off. It's safe to say most of these are positive changes as well, some things I can say with certainty I am glad have changed and wouldn't want to trade for the world. Of course like everything nothing is perfect and with change comes good and bad things, but I feel confident the changes I've made have good very much outweighing the good, the path I was trying to take before was hopeless and was leading nowhere that I could be truly happy or satisfied at.

Now to get a little negative. Noting all these changes and progress I've feel I've made, I am suffering from what I will call "the vain sportsman complex" (totally just made that up). Now by this I mean is I am doing what every single coach in the world will tell you not to do, that after making a perfect pass or an unmissable shot I am standing and staring at the amazingness that is my skill.

You are not supposed to stand and stare. You are supposed to move and get ready for the next play, get open, get on your man, prepare for a possible rebound, restart. The game doesn't stop after one good play or a few, it keeps going. So does life. You can't survive on one move, at the very least you have to maintain what you just did, but the goal is to make more plays, to keep doing good things.

(That long metaphor is basically just calling me lazy)

A little more complicated than just being lazy, but being lazy. I still have a lot of work to do in many parts of my life. Even someone who is completely satisfied with their life and wouldn't change anything needs to be mindful and aware of things, if they just stop paying attention to things they'll slip. I'm far from completely satisfied, and can see and feel myself slipping everyday I just sort of "live to survive." When I don't do things, don't think about things, don't organize, and am not intentional in my actions and thoughts. I'm still definitely not at a place where I am conditioned enough to just go with my natural response of thinking and feeling and be fine.

Because that is still say nothing, feel miserable, and want to get back to my mindless distractions.

I went to my brothers friends house with my family the other day, the friends family was there and as was another of their friends. I went in with the attitude "ugh my brother and his friends, they're all so loud, and I don't even know this family and I don't want to go." About part way through, after being completely mute for 99% of the time (weird mute where I don't respond to things) I realize that attitude and mindset was crap and I could have looked at things differently. An opportunity to push myself maybe! Interact with people, maybe try to get some practice with the whole being around people thing. And as I was not talking it dawned on me I was doing this a lot, sort of just sliding into my old style of thinking that held me back a lot, based on an idea I'm a terrible person and didn't want to do anything or put myself out there at all until I was "presentable" or I "fixed" myself. I'm not waiting anymore, I know if I wait until things are perfect I'll never get there, no perfection in life.

So back to the re-evaluating. I've overcome things, gotten places I've only dreamed I could get to, but I'm not done yet. One thing I've emphasized many times throughout this thread is consistency, because that's the key to everything, so I need to get back to doing the things that worked for me.

One of those is how I used my free time. When I first started I made a very strict schedule for myself (and adhered to it) and it worked well for completing tasks and forcing myself to do (and not do) things. After I got into good habits I moved to a list of daily tasks I needed to complete rather than planning every part of my day out, which worked well. Then I sort of stopped, and am falling back into bad habits again. I'm going to try to plan out part of my days again strictly to get myself into habits again, it should be easier this time as I've already taught myself once. I can't trust myself to just do what I should do without thinking or planning. Part of it is because if I don't think about it plainly I don't know what to do/forget/lose track of time and responsibilities. I have a lot of waking hours that I can spend doing things to improve upon parts of my life or other stuff or whatever. Whatever. I've made posts about how to fill my time before I'll look back at those and also look at what else I want to work on.

Something else that seemed to help me a lot was asking why and challenging my thoughts and making sure I was thinking them for the right reasons. I sort of stopped doing that, sort of part of the stare at my pretty pass complex, and the result is, lately, me just feeling ****ing utterly depressed out of the blue for what seems to be no reason. Now I'm aware of what I'm thinking and what triggers this spiral downward into feeling unbearably ****ty, but I really shouldn't, or I don't think I should. I don't know maybe I should but not for the reasons it appears I do and my body and brain justifies me feeling this way. Some things just keep really really bothering me. What I should be doing is attacking them and trying to understand the root and reasoning behind the thoughts and feelings, instead I'm just really just feeling the feelings and thinking the thoughts. I've tried thinking a little about it I guess. Not enough. I'm going to have to start asking myself hard questions and addressing tough issues about life really. I don't think the real problem is really what is this surface issue, or maybe an issue to hide the real thing I need to address as a defense mechanism. Whatever it is it is leaving me feel like crap and horrible whenever I let myself think about it, and I really shouldn't, there's nothing there for me to be torn up about. I'm sort of lost I guess that's why I have to look into it. I haven't taken my prozac in a while maybe that has something to do with. I hope it doesn't I would like it if it didn't have such a profound effect on my mood. If I want to keep getting it I'll need to go to a therapist and I just have no clue what I would talk about. Right now I have nothing to talk about with someone.

****. So much for ending on a happy note, pretend that word is tuna if you like.

 

[Phoenixx]

I missed your last post from June, so I had some catching up to do. I have to say, I am very impressed with how you've kept with this plan. Good on you! I don't mean to sound like I had doubts in you, because I didn't! It's just that I don't think I have the mindset for a detailed plan like you made. But then again, I think it truly all boils down to desire, and how bad you want to change. You have a strong drive, and you've done well.

Dwelling on the past is extremely difficult to stop. At least in my experience it is. This is a struggle I've dealt with for a very long time, that I still deal with every single day. Even if it's just dwelling on happy memories, I find that that hurts me too. I get extremely nostalgic, and then I feel pretty depressed as I compare those pieces of my childhood to where I am now. I really need to work on this more, focus more on what's in front of me, what's going on around me presently and where I am rather than dwelling on the past or even thinking of the future.

Not saying where I will end up will be worse or better, it's just not going to be the well traveled path.

^ Now I'm curious as to why you say this. How do you figure it won't be the most "well traveled path?" Who knows? It might be the best path you could ever take. I believe time will tell.

As for your changes, glad to hear so much positivity! It's great you've put yourself out there more and are more open to things. I know in your last post from June you said you were on "auto-pilot" a lot and kept embracing every change you could. It looks like it has paid off though. I think I understand where you're coming from when you say you need to be more down to earth though. I just want to say, you've done this well so far don't be afraid to embrace any more changes. Just try to be realistic with your choices. It's easy to get carried away when you're in such a positive mood.

With these changes though, don't feel bad for being "vain" about them. Go ahead and take the time to appreciate your victories. But basically like you said, don't stop for too long once you succeed a few times. Keep it going. I wonder why you don't feel satisfied though? Look how far you've come already, in less than a year. I know you have a lot you want to work on, but you should at least feel some satisfaction for all that you've done. That's a lot of hard work and determination. Pat yourself on the back!... Or give yourself a hug... Whatever works for you.

I understand how you feel with challenging your thoughts. However, I've actually gotten quite good at getting to the roots of why I feel the way I do sometimes. My biggest problem though is even after I figure out the why, I'm stuck in still feeling every negative emotion and sometimes I can't really shake it and I'll be stuck for hours. It's something I need to work on more. I hope you're able to get your thoughts and feelings sorted out soon too.

And I thought you were seeing a therapist? What happened?

 

[vj288]

^ Now I'm curious as to why you say this. How do you figure it won't be the most "well traveled path?" Who knows? It might be the best path you could ever take. I believe time will tell.

By that I just meant really that I can change where I'm going, but not where I've been. I know very well that my childhood or more specifically my teenage years were "normal." I know I know "there's no normal everyone's different" bla bla but I can't think of a better word, just my mindset, my focuses on life, what I was worried about and what I cared about in a lot of respects were not what they "should" have been, weren't "normal." Obviously not being "normal" is not a bad thing but in this situation it was, a very bad thing. There's probably a better word than normal, I just can't think of it. My whole thinking with that post I think is that who we are is an accumulation of all the places we've been, things we've experiences, thoughts we've thoughts ect ect.., and I'll always have the past I wish I didn't, a phase of my life I'd love to re-do. Can't though, I just have to make due with what I have.

And I thought you were seeing a therapist? What happened?

I was, at school. I went to school four hours North of here though, and I don't have the gas money to go visit him every other week :: Things are going okay in my life right now, at the moment I don't feel like their are major obstacle I need help overcoming. I say that as myself, as another person looking in may think "uhh, yeah you can barely squeak out a sentence most of the time and are shy to a point the conflicts with healthy functioning" I guess that probably is true, at it's worst it is not good. Now that I think of it that probably is the next thing I should maybe focus on, on a personal level at least. Either change or adapt to it. Right now I don't think a therapist would be very helpful though.

-----------------------------------------------------

One thing I have noticed, that I was trying to avoid, is falling into a black or white approach to things. For the longest time it was that I would do nothing, whether or not the opportunity presented itself or not I was usually able to convince myself to do it or think it or whatever unless I was sure it wouldn't result badly or make things worse in any way. aka Never taking risks. Now that I am being more open to things I'm afraid I'm starting to fall to the other extreme, even if right now it's more in thought than it is in action, I'd be willing to do almost anything.

When I say I used to do "nothing" and now I feel like I'd do "anything" in the situation and opportunity presented itself, I'm obviously exaggerating of course. I didn't just sit in room staring at the wall all day before, there were some things I did. (I guess in certain parts of my life you could say there was nothing I did/avoided at all costs literally). And by anything I mean if you handed me a gun and said "shoot somebody, I'm bored and want to watch someone die" I would of course not do that. But that "I don't care" attitude I've talked about before, I'm sort of starting to see it more. Especially when it comes to things that wouldn't hurt anyone but possibly myself, even though in the situation I may do nothing it feels like I'd be willing to do a lot a lot of things, maybe some I shouldn't be willing to do. Or maybe there's nothing wrong with being willing to do somethings? I'm not sure.

I think it may be because of a few different things, or a combination of them. Obvious one would be a lack of self-esteem or self-confidence. It makes me more submissive to things, and when you don't feel great about yourself or doubt yourself or feel you have little to lose you get that "meh, whatever, what do I have to lose" attitude. That's a simple obvious answer that I don't think is really completely on the mark though. Part of probably though.

A lack of identity has always been a bit of an issue for me, and I think it comes back into play here. Before, when I'd do nothing it was often because I wasn't ready to define myself (among many other things), I didn't want to be identified or grouped in or defined with a type or as a person I would later regret. It has to do with my view of how people become who they are though, I don't claim to know anything but it seems to me a mix of tabula rasa and things we can't control. With the tabula rasa it's we're born as "blank slates" and then as we grow we are made into who we are. I'm not a full hearted beharioralist in that sense though ("Give me a dozen healthy infants, well-formed, and my own specified world to bring them up in and I'll guarantee to take any one at random and train him to become any type of specialist I might select – doctor, lawyer, artist, merchant-chief and, yes, even beggar-man and thief, regardless of his talents, penchants, tendencies, abilities, vocations, and race of his ancestors. I am going beyond my facts and I admit it, but so have the advocates of the contrary and they have been doing it for many thousands of years."), I do think there are things we can't know about that have their hands in things, we do have inherent qualities. Or I think, I'm not certain that is just the idea that I usually live my life by.

So that being said, I've always felt like I could have been any type of person I wanted, but like a "vj" version if that makes sense. If you want to go to cliques in high school for example, I think there are things that make me who I am but none of which make me a nerd or a jock or a geek or a popular, those are things we choose, we develop, are chosen for us by our environment. Now back my point though, the two ways to not be defined is to do nothing, or be willing to do anything. Even if it's just on a personal level, where I may actually never do a lot of things, but think to myself "maybe in the right situation I would do that." Maybe if I could try that drug I would, maybe if I was invited to that party I would go, maybe this maybe that. I am thinking mostly social and interpersonal type things here, which alcohol has made now even a possibility to me as it hadn't in the past. Okay my stream of consciouness has seemed to reach a dead end here, I'm not completely sure what I mean anymore. I should stop trying to be someone else, or trying to be no one though, and just be myself. Not completely uncontrolled, and can choose how I spend my time, what I think about, what I want. The rest should just be though, I think. I'm confusing myself now, I am complicating my thoughts or didn't think this through enough, not good for posts


Oh well about my free time though, I said I'd try to get back on track about that. I have a job interview on Wednesday, which if I get I can think about moving into my apartment after. I'm not going to wait until then though, just because it's a "restart." Diet and exercise I will wait until then for though, as it will be very different than where I am now. Shaving and other grooming as well, that can wait. Internet time and activity I need to change though. I'm spending almost all day on or near my laptop or another screen. I do need some away from the computer time definitely. Something I need to control specifically is playing games online, I waste a massive amount of time doing this and it's not beneficial to my life at all. It's like empty calories, they take away from your 2000 calories a day without contributing anything to the vitamins and other things we need from food. It may taste good, and the games are fun once and a while, but it's not something I should be doing so often. Take a step back, and think does it really matter if I don't play? I almost feel like I need to play daily or I'm wasting a chance to improve at them. Bleh, really not something I want. And stuff like bingo, where I have gained "accomplishments" playing them...IT'S BINGO. I am literally clicking numbers, that is the game. I can find much better ways to spend my time.

It's sort of my go-to thing when I have nothing else to do, or when I'm waiting for something or doing something that doesn't require my full attention or am too tired to do other things. I just need to cut it out, and not even have them as an option. Next of course on my list would be chatting in a chatroom. Something else I should also limit, and sometimes burns through time and distracts me from other things. Rather than making designated times to do other things, I may make designated times to NOT do these things, or to do them if it's that small. Like one games from now to then. No chat from now until then. And by that I mean even looking at for the most part, usually just something being said distracts me.

This will leave me with more time to do other things, and anything really is better I think, not that either is bad but to the extent I've been using them and the way it hinders doing other things.

Okay way to long of a post now, time to stop

 

[Phoenixx]

My whole thinking with that post I think is that who we are is an accumulation of all the places we've been, things we've experiences, thoughts we've thoughts ect ect.., and I'll always have the past I wish I didn't, a phase of my life I'd love to re-do. Can't though, I just have to make due with what I have.

^ That is exactly it. I know I regret some things in my past, actually more than I should, and I wish I could re-do some parts over completely. But of course that is not possible, and we just have to accept what's happened and move on. There's no point in mulling it over and over again, no need to kick ourselves for what happened or what we should've/could've made happen.

I was, at school. I went to school four hours North of here though, and I don't have the gas money to go visit him every other week :: Things are going okay in my life right now, at the moment I don't feel like their are major obstacle I need help overcoming. I say that as myself, as another person looking in may think "uhh, yeah you can barely squeak out a sentence most of the time and are shy to a point the conflicts with healthy functioning" I guess that probably is true, at it's worst it is not good. Now that I think of it that probably is the next thing I should maybe focus on, on a personal level at least. Either change or adapt to it. Right now I don't think a therapist would be very helpful though.

^ Oh I had thought you were seeing someone back home. My apologies. I'm glad things are okay though. I hope they get even better for you.


Good luck on your job interview! Did you get an apartment at all? I'm still somewhat looking, but not hard enough. I need to get back into that. I, too, have been spending WAY too much time on the computer.

 

[vj288]

Wants and needs. That's what I've been thinking about and what I need to focus on in the coming months I think, and now. Needs and wants are directly related, technically we don't need anything in life, there are just things we need to do to get what we want. "What about food and water and sleep?" Those are things we need to survive (or to not be hungry), which we want. It's always "I need to do this or else this will happen." That's my understanding of how it works.

So what it really comes down to is wants. I need to figure out what these things are, be conscious of them on a daily basis, and live my life in accordance to the things I need to do to accomplish them. Otherwise I just skate through life with an unchanging empty head and forget why I'm doing what I'm doing.

There are some things I want but I know I can't have right now. It's like looking forward to dessert at breakfast. It's a nice thing to have in the back of your mind throughout the day, but you do have three meals and a bunch of free time until dessert! And while I know the dessert will be delicious, focusing on it as much as I am is not what I want. When you have something to look forward to, and you can't get your mind off it, or think about it in a tunnel vision sort of way, only a few things can come of it.

1) You eat the three meals you need to eat in order to get there. You're not doing it because you like cheese burgers or whatever is served, you just want to get there. You probably rush or take the easiest route. You just want to do it. The rest of the day you just bide time, waste it away, obsess over the dessert, do nothing productive because you're too distracted. You finally get dessert, and while it is what you were looking forward to, you can't help but look back at how you could have spent your time better. Maybe you could have gone to the store for some milk, that would have gone nice with it. Who knows.

2) You can't distract yourself enough, you go crazy thinking about it, foaming at the mouth, you can't wait. You start to try to think of ways to get to it faster. Then you realize your mom put it too high on the counter and your tattle-tale brother would tell your mom well before you had enough time to climb up with a chair. So you start considering other desserts to mull you over until it comes. You could sneak into the pantry where there are some stale hostess cupcakes, or walk to your friends house and ask his mom for some treats, maybe you'll get lucky. Then the time for dessert comes, and maybe you did get a lesser dessert somewhere, and you just can't keep it to yourself and tell your mom. Then you don't get any of the dessert and regret eat that crap hostess. Or maybe she forgives you, or doesn't care. Maybe this is okay? Probably not. Or maybe you couldn't get any dessert but you tried, or if someone offered you some you would have taken it. And you're eating the dessert thinking "how could I have ever thought about jeopardizing this?" By this time you see how little a wait it really was, you could have made it easy. Or maybe you did get some and just don't tell your mom, you just feel bad for keeping something from her. You're an honest person, you don't like lying. Even if she'd rather not know, you still feel guilty.

So yeah, I don't want either of those. Waiting for things is a part of life, and impatience can make you want to do stupid things. I know how to be patient, I have been, I just have to choose to, and I want to. So there are things I need to do that will allow me to. I know how to change my mindset, it's easy for me, I just need to.

One thing to help this is to focus on other things I want. It's okay to prioritize wants, but that tunnel vision can be a killer. And of course we have to prioritize, a lot of us do it everyday. I want another slice of cake but I want to watch my weight. I want buy that thing but I want to save my money. In or to get the things we want we need to sacrifice others wants we can go without. "You can't have your cake and eat it too."

So, what do I want?

I do want to be fit, speaking of it. Shed some pounds, eat more deliberately, a little muscle, a little endurance, a little flexibility. Little things I can do, maybe some exercise. Forcing myself to exercise isn't so bad either.

I want my mind to get/stay sharp. I feel mindless and forgetful sometimes, just not "on" I need to read more, think more outside the box, just be more conscious of my thoughts and other ways they can be interrupted. I like having mindfulness.

I want to be considerate, I want to be conscientious, I want to be nice. I would like to maintain positive character traits. Again, it's about my thinking. Have to think about others, simple.

And finally I want to look at things as opportunities. I said that needs are just fulfillment of wants, but they within themselves can be good things. I may have to go to school, or have to get a job, or have to cook for myself, or have to whatever, but these can be chances. A chance to interact with people, a chance to get some experience, to learn new things, to try something different. I am not at a "I have nothing to lose" point at my life anymore though, I don't think I ever was but I'm farther from there than I was before, so I do still need to think before I say okay. It's easier for me to just be all or nothing about things, but the reality is it's better to be in the grey area. I won't take any opportunity, like I said above priorities, but at least should consider everything, and decide what's more important. And that will NOT be avoiding talking, avoiding interacting, confrontation, looking stupid. In that sense I don't have anything to lose, it's irrationality and laziness.

So yeah, that was long

 

[vj288]

Okay, it's almost September now, school starts in a week and a half. I always put things off to the last minute I guess, but now I really have to start getting everything in order.

This always seems to happen, procrastinator in me I suppose, outside the random spurts of highly motivated attitudes I have. I always try to capitalize, but not do too much at times like this, because I know I have to do things, and while in the mode of being productive will get into other rhythms as well that my lazy, misguided other times make it more difficult to get started. An object in motion stays in motion sort of applies with me I think, as far as doing things, one thing easily leads to another.

School starts back up next monday, or that's orientation (ugh : and then that Wednesday is when classes start back up. I am back at home, or my parents house I can call it now, for the next few days. So I'll officially start my new routine, or "get started" on Thursday once I am back home, giving me 4 days to do things I need to do before school gets started up again. It's good to pick a specific day to do things, rather than vague plans I should do some time eventually. It's annoying to read my last few posts, and have all these "plans", none of which for the most part I executed at all. I have to plan things or I won't know what to do, but also need to plan things I will do, obviously.

Okay, so lately I have been wasting my days as I said, and need to first find a way to change that so I don't do the bare minimum to get through it. I think how I start my day is very important to this, usually how my day starts influences how the rest of my day goes. So if I wake up, lay in bed for another hour and then roll over to my laptop for the next few hours after that, it's going to be a lazy I-don't-feel-like-putting-effort-out type of days.

So the first part is simple, set my alarm clock. I'm going to have to start doing it three times a week anyway, and it's not bad to get into that sort of patterns. Patterns correlate with good habit forming, when they are controlled. I also find I am a morning person, and am most productive and consistent in the morning, so that is a good time to do things for me. As the day go on the level of potential I see in it goes down and down, and my drive to do things dwindles. I like to be able to relax at the end of my days and do all the stuff I should be doing at the start.

After the alarm clock goes up, I should head to the kitchen, not my laptop. If I'm going to eat, doing it right off is best. Then I can shower, shave, brush my teeth, dress be clean and ready for my day. If I'm not showered by a certain time, before going out to do anything, in the back of my mind it "first I have to shower" which makes me less likely to do things. I do want to try to incorporate some exercise in here too, which is something I like doing in the morning to, but I have a problem about fitting it in, because I have to do things a certain way. First I can't shave without taking a shower after, I just feel to uncomfortable. I could just wash my face but I still don't like it. Also I can't shave after exercising, because I am sweaty and that makes for a miserable shaving experience as well. So I need to shower after doing each, but can not do both before showering in between. And I know at night I am definitely not going to exercise, and shaving at night seems to defeat the purpose as I will grow over night. I think I can do it mid-day or evening-ish maybe, and shower again real quick. Maybe after a meal, as otherwise I will put it off until too late.

Anyway though, after I have showered it will be still morning and I will be refreshed and ready to start my day off. That I want to make concrete. I have a full day ahead of me after that. I should have specific things to do everyday, that I should usually plan the day before, or further ahead.

Somethings I have to do before school though, and other things I want to fill my day up with I will list, as a reminded and to think it out. First and fairly importantly is to get my books, either online or through the bookstore. If I want them online I can get them tomorrow actually, that may be a good task for tomorrow. I also need to walk down to the campus, and figure out where all my classes are. I am not familiar with the campus and with 5 classes my first day, I do not need that added stress of not knowing where I am going, and possibly getting lost or showing up late to class. Also timing the walk to class is good as well, I need to know how long about it will take.

As far as school goes that is what I really need to do. I will have presentations I think I will have to give, and there will be a lot of new faces and people...as well as people from high school I knew. I need to get in the right mindset, I had made a lot of improvement with it in the recent past but have since isolated myself and lazied my mind a bit. I've been having a lot of thoughts but then just distracting myself, so instead of doing that I want to start attacking those thoughts again and understanding them better so I can do something about them. As I'll be around people again soon, I will have the perfect opportunity to attack a lot of them as they come up. I want to record myself talking as it helps me get my thoughts out as and learn what is on my mind as well as using my voice period. Also, write them out (or type), for my personal reference. If I don't sort my thoughts out, they're really disorganized and I sink into a way of thinking that doesn't make much sense, really. I have a lot of thoughts and the wrong ones will come up, or ones that don't apply to whatever. And definitely need to be thinking right with school coming up, I want to take advantage of having stuff to do for exposure as well as to better myself in any way I can.

Speaking of that there are a few living things I have to do as well. As a person living on my own in the city, there are things I need to do and to get used to. I really need a job, or rather I really want one as it will allow me to more with my life and not lose what I have and end up in my parents basement. Calling about jobs in the help wanted section of the paper is a good route to finding one and something I should do whenever one appears. Also going place to place to apply. Both these things I often psyche myself out of doing and then feel like a loser for the day, but they are well within things I am capable of doing. Taking a walk to the local stores to get a feel for how long they are, what route I can take, and how much I can carry are also things I need to master.

One thing I do not have to do, but really really should and make myself do, is learn to take the bus. Everything almost is more than a mile from where I am, and walking in certain weather conditions is not ideal for this. Also if I want to go farther than a couple of miles walking is really not a realistic option, while I would do it is being extremely avoidant of the bus. I can spare the dollar. The idea of taking the bus is making me extremely nervous though, as I have never taken a city bus before. Actually being on the bus is not the problem, but getting on it. I am nervous about finding the bus stop, getting on, and paying for it. All things I know I would easily get used to, it's just doing them for the first time and not knowing exactly what to do that makes me very nervous. I know once I do it I will be very relieved, I just am putting it off. It's stupid but is scaring me an stupidly large amount, I don;t know why ::

I guess that is about it, I will start at this all on Thursday, maybe a little in the next two days that I can.

 

[vj288]

I was ready to come on here and talk about how it has been a year since I started, but looking at the date on the first post I started the end of October not the beginning, so not quite there yet ::

I guess that makes it a month early to look at the year in retrospect, but I can share some thoughts about where I am and where I've come from.

It seems like I can't help but be negative when looking at my progress and I can feel myself sinking a little into a depression probably partly due to that at least. At this current moment as I am typing I feel "ok" not really really smiley or elated, nor do I feel depressed, which lately has been manifesting itself in a sort of "**** it" type of mentality. It's not like I get extremely sad and don't want to live anymore like I have before, but that my optimistic and idealist type attitude has been breaking down lately and I've just been ruminating about "the way things are." I use the word ruminating on purpose because it's not like I'm thinking "there's so much pain in the world and there's nothing I can do" or something major like that, it's little things that are really a non-problem that just become a problem when I think about them too much. It doesn't really have a lasting effect either, it's only when my mind is in a certain place. I want to fix it so that whenever I let my mind wander it doesn't ruminate like this, it just feeds and creates doubts and insecurities that shouldn't be there. I don't know what else to really say about this, if I were to write about it during one of the little episodes I could explain it a lot differently. It's as if things are supposed to be a certain way in my little world, but in the moment those things don't matter at all. I hate thinking and being left to my own devices sometimes. I feel like I need someone to rant at and then debate and argue with when I get like that. Someone who will play hypotheticals with me and stayed grounded the whole time. I'm like Doctor House, I need a team to give me new ideas and break the thinking cycle.

School and the city I live in are contributing a lot I think too. I feel it's so depressing here, I may be projecting my own feelings but maybe not. It seems like everyone is frowning, and hates where they have ended up. "I"m stuck living here" "I'm working as a college professor...at this 3rd rate school" "I am going to school at this glorified high school." I mean part of it is the school, it's a huge step down. The teachers I can tell right away are not the cream of the crop, the kids don't care making the teachers care less, the students on the maturity level are much closer to high school students. I already feel negative about school since I don't know what I am doing after and feel like going has been a waste of money, but removing the challenge and interestingness and quality of the school makes me not want to go at all. I have no interest in dropping out but everyday I just want to be over. Going here just makes me feel like a loser, I try not to but I even feel like that is the vibe I get from everyone else there, everyone else I see, we're losers.

I have been feeling like a worse person too though, generally or morally I guess. I have this idea of what a good person is supposed to be like, and usually try my best to be that type of person, in thought and in practice. This usually includes knowing I would feel bad if I did something I deem as bad, or that I shouldn't do, I just feel like I'm not getting that feeling, that my morals are disappearing in front of me. I know enough not to do things, but it's really disturbing me the guilt isn't there anyway. Just that my character is/has changed and I'm not really happy about where it has gone. Maybe I am getting lazy, it seems like something I have stopped caring about and it's one thing about myself I have always liked and don't want to lose. I've never questioned my "goodness" before, I am not a saint but whenever I did something out of line I would feel bad, usually the feeling was overwhelming and too extreme, but not having the feeling at all should not be there either. Before it would be if I missed a class I would beat myself up about it because my reasoning was bad, now I feel like maybe I would know I should have gone but not really care. Sometimes I don't think I am even aware of what I'm doing even, on a more abstract level. Inconsiderate or careless. Now I sort of feel like I could just make a long list of personality traits that I should be exhibiting that I am not. Maybe I do need to remind myself of these things, and even more than that which situations they apply to, otherwise they are just vague ideas.

 

[vj288]

Year two

About a year ago I tried to imagine where I could be in October of 2012, it's amazing to think that a year has already gone by so fast. How much has changed since then is incredible, and how things have deviated from the original "plan", as vague as it was, also surprising.

When looking back at the year in review, I tend to see how far I've come in terms of tangible changes to my life, things that I would be able to easily write down on a piece of paper. I tried drinking for the first time, and was open to other new experiences and risks.

I challenged my thoughts, my beliefs deeply ingrained until I uprooted and changed them. I opened up to people close to me about struggles I had kept inside for a long time. I opened up a therapist, to a psychiatrist, and can say after 8 years that something that had been holding me back for so many years is finally in my past.

I let myself get close to people, and people get close to me. I met new people, from the internet. I put myself in a situation with no escape plan, no way to avoid anything.

I found a girlfriend, one who is understanding, and is able to sympathize. A person I can be myself with, and love every minute of it.

I changed things that weren't working. I transferred schools when it donned on me I have no career aspirations, and am throwing money away to go to one so expensive. I have my own apartment (kind of), I have a job and source of income. I feel more in control of my life, and capable of directing it where I want it to go.

In re-reading my first post though, I can see none of those things were in the plan. They are things I accept with open arms, byproducts I would hope to result from the changes in me I wished would happen.

This was designed not to be practical changes I would be able to make a list of, but the intangibles in my character and personality that I wished to create a person I was happy with, proud of, not ashamed of and who "the best me I could be."

On this front, I feel I broke out even, rather than making consistent change and maintaining progression when it was gained. The first few months were very rocky, I was still getting my legs, but then the change started to happen. Everything I planned out - the scheduling, the use of my time, what I put my attention to, how I lived my day to day in both action and conscious thought - all started to pay off. I started to feel better, think better, really have a feeling of progress. Then the tangible rewards, the things I listed above, all started to follow from them.

That was the goal, the whole plan, and it all working as perfectly as I could have hoped for.

Then I started to get lazy, obsessive, anxious, started focusing away from me and toward the future. Not living each day as it's own, but as filler until days where progress could be had, "big events." It wasn't slow and steady any more, it was wait until you get to the pool and jump in. And my character, personality, thoughts, all reflected it.

I started to sink back into habits, attitudes, qualities of the past I was trying to distance myself from. I was too focused on the gains I had made, and potential gains of the future, and not how they would be detrimental to the progress I had made and was making.

I liked where I was, I was at a "good enough" stage, I had made enough changes to be content as long as things do not go backwards. But I used an analogy in the first post I made, about running. By not running everyday, you lose the endurance, the progress made. That is what happened, partially.

Looking back, that is just part of it. At this point, for the next year, I do need to get back on track. I've slipped back into a less-than-perfect me. Attention span has dwindled, I've stopped caring about things I should, and started caring about things I shouldn't. I let myself change to much. I am not going to go into the specifics here, but I have room to improve again, and get back to a person that I would like to be.

The other part is, that by going backwards I do not lose everything I gained. I don't lose experiences, I don't lose drop everything I have when going back. I have things now from those changes I made that I'll never lose, and some I hope I never do lose.

The question now of course is, how?

I need something I will actually do, a plan I can actually put into action. Unlike last year, I now actually have things going on in my life. This is good, also can make things more challenging. It is especially good in the respect that now at this point, for the next year I basically know what is going to be going on. What I am tied down to, is known to me. I know when I work, I know when I have school, I know what I have to do on a daily basis, a weekly basis, a monthly basis.

And with so much stuff going on, need to get back to scheduling. Not only so I don't forget to do anything, but also so I am motivated to do things. It's crazy that when everything I need to do is spelled out in front of me, I feel more motivated to attack it systematically and get everything done.

This post is getting long, but I fear if I don't go into more detail about that it will just fall between the cracks. I can do everything at once, I'll start small with a few things here and there, to get me in a more productive state. And how do I get there?

Sleep.

More sleep, and less sleep. I cannot sleep my days away, or nothing will get done. I need to set times to wake up, and actually get up at those times. Also I need to go to bed at reasonable hours to make sure I am not to tired. Working as a dish washer does tire me out, a lot, but is no excuse for sleeping 12 hours. By getting up, I am pushing myself to stay on task, and exercising self-control by not going back to bed, or not skipping school, or whatever.

Same thing with food, no eating when I'm bored. I need to plan on three meals a day, and make them. I am hungry all the time, because I eat all the time. Once I stop associating boredom with food, they will not trigger one another. Instead when bored finding things to do rather than things to eat would be best.

One of these things, should be thinking. I have not been thinking a lot lately. Well, I have been thinking, but with no focus or purpose. Just obsessive or hedonistic thoughts. Or about the past, the future. Productive thought patterns are made, not born. Productive thoughts will breed productive ways to spend my time.

One specific thought pattern that has been bad is counting down. I'll count down the weeks until January, the number of hours of work until then, the days of school until my Birthday, the months until May. Whatever, I am not focused on the present, or even planning for the future, just biding my time until it comes. And once it does, another countdown starts.

It all started during my first job, because I A) wanted to get home and B) had a time based job, and certain things needed to be done around a certain time. So counting down hours helped plan out my shift. There is nothing wrong with looking forward to the future, don't get me wrong I would be crazy not to be. A lot of things are going to happen between then and now though, I should take advantage. If I don't, when the time comes it won't be as worthwhile as if I hadn't.

Like at work, had I just bided time instead of working to finish, once the time I was waiting for came, I would have to keep working rather than go home, catch up on everything I wasn't doing. If I do that here though, I won't have a chance to catch up. I'll just be stuck.

So in closing, I made a lot of gains, and fell back into a lot of bad habits. I hadn't improved enough so that the changes could be maintained without a conscious effort, and being a good or quality human being may always require that effort. Either way, in a year I hope to see as many changes as I did in the last.

 

[vj288]

It's okay to be sad. Recently I have been trying to fight the feeling, but sometimes you should just let yourself be sad. Having made progress, nor having good things in my life should feel me obligated to never feel down. No, I don't have to show it in an attention grabbing fashion, to let everyone know, but it's okay to feel it and not resist it because I "shouldn't."

It is sort of step backwards but it has been a long time coming, I posted a while ago saying I was waiting for it to happen. Just because "attacking and challenging thoughts" worked in the past doesn't mean it is a cure all for every thought that brings me distress. On the contrary, sometimes I see the err in the thinking and just am in a funk, and need to distract myself. I may not be happy but without the thoughts the mood fades eventually anyway.

Life isn't perfect either, I know it isn't. Actually that's not a good way of saying it. If you decide life should be a certain way, and think too much about it, then you are only in for trouble though. Thinking about the way things should be, could be, is stupid. It's all about perspective, and there really is no right answer though. So if I'm in a depressed mood, with a depressed perspective, obviously my view on things are going to be depressed.

So I have sunk into a bit of a depression. Most of the time I don't want to do anything. My appetite either disappears or it is on the point of binging. I'm irritable and tired, and just plain mopey. Motivation and ambition are just not there.

This is partially because my computer is like a black hole. I may be in the other room, thinking of something I should do, get to my computer and forget. I don't have anything to do on my computer though, so I will just click aimlessly, not reading or looking at anything. I will constantly check my email even though I am not expecting any. I'll look at comics I know are not updated, tv shows that have not shown a new episode yet. Open spw with no interest in posting, or reading much. Look at chats without any desire to say anything. Then I get off the computer, and the cycle restarts. It's not like a 24/7 feeling but it has been a lot more often lately. Like I just hate everything.

Music helps a bit, the right kind. I've noticed certain songs effect the way I feel and think sort of. It works inversely too, that when I am feeling or thinking a certain way specific songs will get in my head. Sort of obvious when you look at the songs where the connection is. So I try to switch songs when certain ones come up.

And I guess I need to do things, especially when the motivation hits me. Inaction is probably not helping at all, the mindless hours of doing almost literally nothing on my laptop. Some sort of structure in my life rather than just waste time until tomorrow comes.

I don't even want to talk to people because I feel so bleh all the time, and all I would do is be bitchy. I'm more unstable than usual and stress is getting to me easier, and smaller things than usual are driving me up the walls. It'll pass eventually, I won't worry unless it gets much worse. I just have to do things and I'll feel better. A bit hard when you don't feel like doing things most of the time though. Oh well.

 

[vj288]

After rereading my the beginning of this, I don't know what happened. I was full of hope, and motivated to make a change in my life. And now that I have, I can't find that desire to make a difference in my life again. I feel like overall, I have become a worse person at the core. But that just may be how I'm feeling right now.

Back when I made that first post, it was me trying to rise from the ashes. I sort of have a phoenix-rising-from-the-ashes complex, where I always try to make things better after letting things get completely terrible first. Just let myself and everything in life go until I have just enough to hold onto to try to restart and pull myself back up. The thing is now, I have things I don't want to lose, so I can't do that. Not that it was healthy to begin with, but it makes life harder. I can't just give up when things get hard anymore, or when I feel at a dead end and want to back out and restart.

This is what happens when I get lazy, or I let things build up. Usually, I have had nothing to hold on to, so I really have no reason to work for the long term. If things get hard and I want to take a break from life, I can and just start back from square one again when I feel like it in an attempt to get to that place where I do have a reason.

Usually these "ashes to phoenixes" plans never work, and I just restart again. The thing is, with this one year plan it worked, and it worked better than I could have hoped for.

My progress plateau'd around April or May or last year and kept going for a month or two afterward. With this thread my goal was to be "the best me I could be," and during that span I can say I was the best me I had ever been. I was open and honest, with others and more importantly with myself. I was willing to take risks, as I was confident with my convictions. I wasn't worried about seeming stupid, or weak, or judged. If I asked a question, it was because I didn't know the answer. If something bothered me, I must have some good reason for it bothering me. I was, dare I say, rational.

These were the ends though, and what is more important is the means I used to get to them. The plan, the mindfulness, the scheduling, the perspective and the effort. Marching forward into uncharted territory and risking finding something I wouldn't like. It was the good habits I formed that pushed me forward to accomplish what was a big deal to me.

But shortly after that spring, I let those habits slip. I gave myself a break after meeting a big goal.. And then I kept slipping more and more. I stopped being totally open, in fear that I would lose what I had. Stopped therapy and talking to any therapist type figures, all that effort. I was happy with where I was, but didn't realize how I got there was all the things I had been doing, and as I slipped as did my results. And now I've slipped to the point I'm back to where I started in many respects, possibly farther back.

And I have to make all that progress again.

I know I have a plan that works, and need to review this thread more in-depth. Restart those go habits, good thinking patterns, good risks. But I don't have the same opportunities I did last time, or the same problems to overcome. Actually, that thinking is the problem all together, that the goal is to solve a problem. I just have to work on making myself a better person, in as many ways as I can. Everything else should fall into place if I do that. I'm a heaping ball of negativity all the time lately, the way I'm seeing things is not the way that I want to be.

And I'm not sure what I wanted to get out of this post. I didn't put forth any sort of strategy to working on myself, and frankly I will not have time in the immediate future to do so. When I started this, I had literally nothing else to do but focus on this. So I did. I don't have that sort of time anymore.

I do need to have a plan though, some sort of goal or focus. I've just closed myself off so much lately I can't just let it work itself out. I will work on it soon, I'll have another year all alone to myself soon enough to work toward that goal or focus. For now I wanted to just get it off my chest. Wanted to write this months ago, but without focus or motivation it just kept falling between the cracks.

I can't let my whole life end up like that.

 

[vj288]

Hello, I haven't posted here in a while, particularly in this thread. I've been keeping a personal journal for the last 4 months though, writing every day this year so far. Most of it I like to keep to myself, but what I wrote the other day felt worth sharing, and this seemed like the most fitting place to share it, even if no one reads it. Either way, here it is. (1st draft, mind you. Not that a 10th draft would end up much better :

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

Day 114 (4/24)​

"What are you chasing?" she said to me. I just gave her a quizzing look. "I've known you long enough to see you always chasing something - and always with hope that by bettering yourself in this way or that way it will help you catch it. If you sleep better, if you eat better, if you exercise more, if you have more alone time, if you push yourself to be alone less, if you read, if you write, all these things. Where is it you are trying to get yourself exactly?"

I paused for a second, then replied. "I've always felt like things were better in the past, and if I work hard I can make them good again in the future, possibly better. There are always ways to make myself better. And I know there is bias there, I am fully aware that every moment before point X or point Y wasn't perfect, but I know I have had moments, spans of time when I had things really together. When I feel I could accomplish anything, and felt like I was doing them all the right way. I try to change all these things because I know when I do them they make me better, both mentally and physically. I feel unprepared without them, and feel unable to tackle much of life, and lose my composure when I am forced to go through with it anyways.

"I don't know how strong the hope in me is anymore though. There are qualities within myself I have been trying to get back now for a long time, years I would say, and they just aren't returning to me. Maybe I have inflated these feelings in my memory, or perhaps I am living too much in the past to fully appreciate them in the present, I don't know. It's always been that hope that has made me who I am, I think. Even when the practical part of me had given up, there was always a part of me somewhere hoping the Hail Mary pass was gonna work. But I truly gave up a while ago, and I worry it's something I will never come back from.

"It's like, um, it's like I had a really solid foundation. At times the house I had built on it was just horrible. That was okay though, I could tear it down and build a new one. As long as I had that solid foundation, I could do anything, be anything. But once the foundation started to crack, every house was doomed to fail. There have been times when I was very happy with what was built, but I could feel the cracked foundation under my feet. It just doesn't feel right, you know?

"So you ask what I am chasing, why it is I am constantly trying to better myself. The simple answer is because I feel broken, and not with a downed wall or shattered window. I feel broken at a fundamental level. It's unignorable, and it touches everything I do and taints it. It's hard to care about rug patterns when you feel the earth you're standing on could rip the whole floor in half at any moment.

"I wish I could just tear the whole house down, and focus on nothing but the foundation. As a 25 year old life doesn't offer such opportunities though. Responsibilities, bills, relationships, they can't just be put aside while you fix the base and put back up once you're solidified it. So instead I will keep trying to make little fixes over time, and hope that eventually I regain the feeling at my core, at my foundation, and not only in a couple of the walls. That deep down, things are right, the way they are supposed to be."

We were quiet for a long time after that. I've been disconnected with myself for so long, I feared I hadn't given a sincere answer but rather just rambled off some intellectualized mumbo jumbo metaphor that sounded thoughtful on the surface, but truly lacked depth which she immediately saw through. How ****ed is it to not be sure if you're being sincere and genuine or not?

"You didn't answer my question, vj" She said, catching me off guard. "I didn't ask what you are trying to fix, I asked what are you chasing.You're not a house that stays in one place, we move forward, towards things, after things. I can gather from what you say that what you do isn't as important as how it is done, that the journey is more important than the destinations, intention over consequence and all that. But that doesn't mean there aren't destinations. Where are you going?"

A little frustrated now, I go "Picking a destination seems meaningless without a running car. If-"

She cut me off "ENOUGH with the god damned analogies!" That answered my questions about the mumbo jumbo-ness. "I'll tell you what you are chasing. You're chasing a mentality. Which is pointless, because it's not like it is out there hiding and you'll find it on one of your little runs or at the bottom of your 'most important meal of the day' cereal bowl. Like I just said, and I know you believe, what you do doesn't matter, it is how you do it. So you can start all these good habits, and they can make you healthier, but it will be for nothing if you do not do them with the right attitude, the right drive. If you do not value them with the same level of importance that you did before you threw in the towel, they are just going to be more things you forced yourself to do. When you did them before, it was because you already had that drive, hope, whatever you want to call it, in you. If you went for a run, it was because being healthy, in shape, and fit were important to you, and you valued that as well as yourself.

"You're doing it all backwards. Your feelings are not going to come from your actions, but rather your actions are going to reflect your feelings. Yeah, you're gonna have to look at yourself and do the right things when no one is watching, but you know from your past experiences it is worth it. So stop trying to romanticize your plight and just go out and be who you want to be! It's -"

"Don't you say it"

"-all in your head. It is vj and you know it. If you want to attribute it all to things not completely within your control, be my guest. You can't catch what you already have though."