Off my chest rants- or how not to live your life

[grapevine]

Going to write out *stuff* in here.. I need to vent so seriously that I feel like I am going to explode seriously!!

Im going to write my heart out in here- it seems a little bit better than writing in my journal in Pages. It feels more cement and reflective. I like the auto-writing and reading it back.

I just feel really paranoid about writing these things online though, thinking that this crush would see them (which is completely unlikely).
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I just cant shake off this crush at work and its eating me alive - I feel I am hanging by a thread to going completely into the dark. I feel soo upset and depressed constantly. And yet I was completely normal in May and June- and now its November and my bday is coming up in a few weeks and I will be 33 and I am just so sad and lonely and at the same time crave my independence away from my family.

I have dealt with severe social phobia since I was 16 after being raped by my boyfriend at 14 - I mean we were kind of inlove at the time anyway- but I then did not even know where babies came from- I thought they came out ur bum! -
That relationship lasted for 5-6 months and then he got his friend to dump me and went out with an older senoir year girl - in front of me. And that was when I had to find new friends because I hung out with his friends- and I then became really paranoid around guys and suffered really bad low self esteem and body image problems that got worse and worse. I remember feeling disgusting and delving into crash dieting and binge eating for ages and feeling so ashamed of myself and like I just couldnt be on par with everyone else anymore. I managed to hang out with some good friends then, but when it came to going out and talking about boys - I just wouldnt go. I mean, I was at that point barely making grades and even going to school- in the prime of my life.. I was the one hiding in the trees near the school all day because I couldnt make the steps to actually go into class- Id wait for the bus.
And at that point in my life I had started wetting the bed every single night( had to go to get tests done and everything)- still it always happened - right up until I was 22 or 23 (8 years) when I had my first session with a psychologist. And it was there that I actually realised what had happened to me and I actually let it out and told someone. After that I never wet the bed.

But my 20s have been really hard. Basically, did small courses here and there with bouts of serious years of agoraphobia and a hermit lifestyle where animals and gardening and doing things for my folks have been my life. A very internalised lonley life of solitude and fear but compassion.

There was a time though, when I was 24, and met someone on a forum- who contacted me. It was a guy who made me feel so flattered and in a sense filled that loneliness gap and gave me feelings of worthiness and attractiveness- I remember him saying at one point he wanted to marry me even ( which I just laughed off). Then, I remember being so scared to talk on the phone to him- because I had phone phobia - but I did it - and we talked for ages- and then it became a regular thing- and my phone would run out of battery power and that is when we would end talking. Then he asked me to come to his state city (interstate) to see him- and me who had never been on a plane before- who had trouble even going to the supermarket at times.. I got so much anxiety- I just went and booked a plane and went on my own to see him.
And that was one of the biggest dramas of my life. Because you see, from the time I first started talking to him online and on the phone, I had feelings of worthlessness and wanted to like my body, and feel clean.. so I crash dieted- I had so much anxiety when I knew I was actually going to go see him - that I thought I had to be perfect for him to accept me. So I lost so much weight with in 2.5 months - I mean I had grown up in a culture where thin was in- like in the 90s. So I just stopped eating much, and got to the point where I ate tiny amounts of food and walked for hours each day to go to my course I was doing at the time- I also at night would constantly be on my xtrainer where I would look in the mirror and actually get excited and liked what I saw- that I was looking so slim and fit and imagined meeting him at the airport and his reaction. Because kept wanting to know things- things that I was so naive about - like my measurements ( I assumed it was for a tshirt or something) .. and showing pictures of types of girls he liked.
So I remember the big day where my parents dropped me off at the airport thinking I was going to see a girl I had met online. They had no idea.
My first plane ride- I will never forget that- it was in the nighttime and hardly anyone on- me feeling nervous but so excillerated like I had accomplished so many fears just to be there. And seeing the big city lights just before landing- it was a thrill.

So I get to the airport luggage terminal- and he texts me. My legs are so like jelly and I cant hardly breathe or even see- the anxiety is so bad- but in the back of my mind and from his text was a guy that I felt at the time I could rely on that understood what I must of been feeling and that would accept me regardless of what I looked like.

So when I met him. He looked at me like a shock. I thought at the time - okay is this a god thing?...

 

[grapevine]

..Okay so dont get me wrong- I had a really good teenage year when I was 13. I had so many friends and boys going after me- I had creativity and absoloutely loved going to school and being with my friends and dressing up. Its just that by 14 I experienced a trauma and was not aware of it and it changed me in many ways.

...........................................

So to get back to the airport. Yeah well, he seems kind of off- like backing away at me. Not at all what I had envisioned. I thought at least a hug and and a joke to break the ice. Then I remember him giving me an un-enthusiastic quick night drive around the city before embarking to his place.

Long story short with this life drama of my early 20s- ------------ well he basically raped me that night- and for me - in that very morning, I thought well he must like me then- because he could not help himself (naive).. but on that very morning as I came down for breakfast he said to my face that I looked terrible and proceeded that I was sickly skinny looking with a terrible expression I will never forget. And telling me if I was bigger in weight than maybe I would be okay.. something like that anyway. But me being me at the time, chose not to take in his negative views because I felt amazing in my body at the time and was not going to let anything that had just happened to me ruin all the work I had to mentally adapt to just to even be there.

I managed to catch trains in a place I had never been and walk around a city you could easily get lost in all on my own- it was amazing, but I had to put up with him to do so, and I had put my passive aggressive hurt away- but for some reason I ended up staying there for a while- like almost a month or something like that- he had asked me- and in that time I guess I was conflicted in whether he liked me or not .. the things sometimes would get me on a high - things he would say that would hint a future.. and then majority was emotional abuse- he really didnt care for me- thought he knew everything about me- and just used me like a rag doll for sex- for which I had no feeling- I felt absolutely dead at the time -

To be emotionally abused and go down hill fast is not fun. I remember at one time sitting in his parked car whilst he went and bought perfume christmas presents for his friends in Russia and other places (women) and by that time I was so hurt by everything that I was so depressed that I actually got out the car and went to the nearest building thinking of ways I could then and there end my life because this guy made me feel worthless ( and by made me - I mean actively ). But I know I had like Stockholm syndrome or something - I was too scared to go home because I had changed myself so much that my old home environment would turn me back into the very un-exciting even more depressed person- I had no faith in myself there and I was tied to any little feeling of affection from this guy that would make all the bad stuff go away for a time- make me feel like see I am okay because he.. etc..

In the end and it lasted 6 months - he kicked me out because I wasnt a nice person - he made e pay for a quilt that I got a tiny blotch of pen ink on ( even tho it was old anyway and could not see it under the cover - I had to pay him $200 for that)- and he wasnt even going to take me to the airport and help me with my luggage- he expected me to take the train in- but because of the quilt and the plane fair - I was running out at the time- so he had to drive me- which ended in me having to quickly get all my luggage out his boot and him driving off with no wave.

There I was at the airport completely feeling like nothing - seeing everybody with somebody that cared about them- and I was feeling like anybody who took notice of me thought the same horrid things as he did.

I mean the things he had said about me from day one- about the way I talk and walk and dress and how I dont do this and that - even strange things like how he saw the supermodel version of me and is going to ask her out, or how when we went out sometimes together on a weekend- he would walk away from me not with me- like I was a stranger- ashamed to be near me or even in a cafe or restaurant- he would eat and finish before I even got my meal- and would be left to eat alone- looking around seeing couples eating together.. and feeling ashamed of myself - and I remember he would always look angry at me- like I was a burden - but it was always him who would ask me to stay and stuff.

When I left and came back home I was a totally wreck I had PTSD and remember hearing white noise constantly and being spun out. He was off to his holiday in Russia where he would ring me up from his hotel and talk to me- and make me feel like I mattered and then when he came back home - tell me he slept with people but then ring me up all the time. This was a guy that would tell me off for one sentence of talking about myself and actually hang up if I did ( and to this day I feel like I cannot say anything about myself to any guy), but at the same time ring me up just to masterbate on the phone to me- ewe!

It ended horrifically with me going on the forum I had met him on and him stalking me on it- but he wrote me a horrible letter entitled 'Just so you know..' and it was about how he liked me until he met me and that I was a roller coaster and really horrible things that if you read it and t was about you it would make you really upset. But it was him that kept initiating to me esp when I initiated I go (which was hard) but he always never let me.

Anyway- it took like 6 years to get over that because I didnt really have people in my life to lean on and it was a struggle to get a proffessional too.

So anyway, I ended up bulimic afterwards and slept all day- awake all night- it took a while to get over all that but I did.

But years later I jsut went back into my shell. Where I became normal- depressed but happy with my passions but lonely, fat and thinking that I will never be attractive or have a boyfriend.

 

[grapevine]

Which leads to now. I am very soon to turn 33 and I feel I am in complete turmoil with similar feelings from that last encounter I just wrote about and it scares me, beacause I am older and wiser by almost 10 years.

I want to make things right. I just dont know what to think anymore. I am clueless and completely scared or mortified of things that may be about me.

I am writing automatically here- I need to get everything out without my judgement on it.

So this guy- I just cant stop these emotions I get. I mean there are traits there that I have been looking for in a guy for ages- and the fact that he is similar in the mental health route - when most our age has gotten married with kids and a mortgage. I like his sense of humor - which is unique and crude a bit like mine- and he comes up with the funniest things. I think the biggest trait I admire/like is the allure he has- its just - it gets me espe when I am anywhere near him- I mean his voice and esp when he is nice and friendly to everyone. I guess that friendliness is something that I am jealous of- everyone who walks in the shop just about -knows him and details of his life - he even invites them over and there are that many people he is good friends with that come to shop. But I hate how Im not though. I feel so excluded.

 

[grapevine]

Feeling so much better today- and I think because I wrote out all this crap above haha. Much better.

 

[Odo]

I read your whole story.

I'm sorry you went through what you did... reading it really did make me sad.

I came away from it thinking that you really need to stop making other people the center of your life, and start focusing on yourself. This is easier said than done, of course... especially since you're so used to focusing so much of your internal life on others.

But if you keep obsessing over what others think, then you're just going to end up in more relationships where you're exploited and then thrown away by people who care about you only insofar as you serve their own ends. And the worst part of it is that the more you try to make them like you, the less respect they will have for you.

The bit about the guy you were seeing in your 20s was painful to read. It was so obvious that he was a total douchebag and you still stayed with him because you refuse to accept that you have value as an individual. You put so much into it, and he just took and took and then when he had taken as much as he could, he left you.

My advice would be to plan something for your future-- a project, a trip, something you want to learn about or something you think you would enjoy... and make sure you don't think of anyone but yourself when you choose it. Don't have any goals or motives other than 'I want to do this for myself so that I can be happier'.

After that, you should try to get to the point where you're asking yourself 'is he good enough for ME?' instead of 'am I good enough for him?'. Instead of asking yourself 'does he like me?', ask yourself 'do I like him?'. You give other people an awful lot of power when you train all of your mental energy into how they feel about you... and at the same time, you're burying your own feelings beneath it all. How could you possibly figure out how you feel about someone if your head is full of worries and questions about what they might be feeling/thinking/doing?

PS: I think the facebook comment was probably just a general complaint about facebook friends... it's something I know I've heard before.

But look at it this way: if it was about you, do you really think that a person who would say something like that deserves your affection?

 

[fate12321]

Everyone has a story. I read yours. It's usually good to express your concerns and troubles just like you did in your writing. I believe that the facebook comment wasn't aimed at you. Perhaps it was aimed for someone else?

 

[Xervello]

Like Odo said, I'm sorry that you had to go through all you did. It takes a lot of strength to endure what you did, and a great deal of courage to continue to take risks and brave your fears. That's something I've never been able to do, at 38 years old, and I've had nowhere near the tragedies you've encountered. That said, I too have lived a very solitary life dependent on family. But it's allowed me a lot of time for reflection and personal examination of myself. Perhaps that's something you should pursue more. To me, going by what I read, it sounds like you're psychologically drawn and attracted to very dangerous, crafty, arrogant men. Do you think maybe you had issues prior even to your first boyfriend who assaulted you? I wonder how far back your lack of self-worth and self-esteem stems. It's almost as if you seek out these "bad" guys thinking/hoping that if they accept you then you can finally accept yourself. Until you examine that further and actively try to change those longstanding habits then you may find yourself repeating a pattern of abusive attractions/boyfriends. You don't deserve that. And they don't deserve you. Believe it or not, there are a lot of decent guys out there. But our messed-up psychologies find other types attractive while being dismissive of all the others. If you truly want a change, try switching it up. Give different people a chance you wouldn't ordinarily. Just make sure that you're putting yourself first. Don't accept anything less than respect. There are millions of guys out there. Why spend all your time trying to change the mind of some loser when someone better could be just around the corner. It may take time to find them. But it's worth it when you do.

As for your crush, I'd be wary of him, given your history. Perhaps you're trying to distract yourself by focusing so much on him. I don't doubt your feelings, but it sounds like it uses up a lot of negative energy which isn't very healthy. You need some kind of positive outlet to take pride in or use to express yourself. These posts are a good start. I'm glad you told your story here. I hope it helped. There a lot of supportive people at this site. Rely on them, myself included, if things get bad. I wish you the best.

 

[grapevine]

Thanks everybody - I did write a detailed response but I accent ku deleted the post

But I do understand the gravity I've been putting into caring what that person thinks.

So right now things have gotten quite emotional and in turmoil.
I thinks it's been a whole range of emotions that have been bottling up kind of exploded right now (not to mention hormones err too).

 

[grapevine]

Yeah, it was really good to delete some of numerous rants Ive wrote out- to read them and then let them go.


So its the self esteem thing BIG-TIME today. And I have been so grumpy and pushing away everything, everyone in my way of me trying to get my head together. So all my animals (who all constantly want my attention and my parents- Ive just gotten so annoyed with). Its not nice being a woman sometimes . Having said that, today I just - at least for the whole half of the day I slept and slept- and pain-killers can make you do that too.

But this dreaded underling horrible feeling that makes you want to cry on the spot and then melt into the ground and not been seen - to feel so lacking in many ways and not special - to go into your mind and bring all the things that confirm that-including recent things- it is just very very depressing.:crying: and I cant help but be apathetic.

Some people have just had more support in their lives. i wish I had more independence and more room! I have a tiny bedroom. I am comparing myself to this other person. Who lives a bit better than me - at least away from parents.


So Im going to go into this- because today it has been really overwhelming- and not go away like I thought it could. It been really, really bad.

So my thinking has been really depressing. And Ive not been able to really overcome it this time.

So here goes........... so all that mental energy that I had for months about this crush I had a work- and to feel the negative effects of that- of course anyone would feel that- its just I had a very long conversation with that person last week and felt a hint of pity towards myself from him ( it wasnt about me havign a crush or anything- it was a fun conversation that went a bit deep)- but I dont know if that was just in my head or not, and I also dont know when a guy likes you or not too. But my understanding is that if a guy did like me- then he would want me in his world. But I dont understand flirting and jokes- friends but not friends - just colleagues. Im just so confused with all that.

So when a person asks you questions about your life and you realise that your lacking in so many things- that gets to you too.

And when all of a sudden you look in the mirror and think you look terrible and relate that to why no-one ever pays you compliments- why theres only a few photos of you on your parents cupboard (but more of your sister), why that guy isnt going to ask you out, why you get ignored, why you get told 'gee youve lost weight- and not you look beautiful.'

Its like your mind searches for all that. And it really feels like concrete. Right now I just cant stop feeling insecure around blondes because I know that crush had a thing for them and it makes me feel inadequate because im a brunette. And not to mention I just had a hair cut and its kind of blunt and a it short now- its not flowing and girly that much.

Having said all that. Last night I feel asleep with feeling love for myself. I went on youtube and watched as many videos about how not to care what others think of you, and how to love yourself, even how to be charasmatic and have good social skills.. so there is some logic over my emotions. I just feel so lacking in alot of things. I feel embarrassed. I feel like I cannot compete.

I can get in moods where I can feel compassion for myself and not be so harsh- but its just a matter of trying to make them stick. Because I guess - in my past I had all those things taken away from me- my self identity was ruined by someone who tore down those good things I thought I was- and even though it was a long time ago now, I still get fragile.

 

[grapevine]

Went to work today, took some caffeine type tea to push my confidence. then he was there and not my boss. Which was okay. But by the end of the day - those same feelings I have been dealing with festered up again and i couldnt shake them off.

Its like a huge wave of emotions of insecurity and rejection and from what I think I am starting to understand is that they are really just deep emotions I have kept for 8 or so years- of what happened to me when I was abused. From that situation at the time, I ended up completely alone - I didnt even talk to people - anyone for like 6 months- I guess I was just about a mute.
I remember being very ill though. And so that was me being rejected- being completely alone and having a million bad criticisms from him circulating in my mind. I felt like nothing. And I had to push my own self out of that darkness. What I think I did though, was push it down with food later on. I didnt want to meet anyone anymore, because I was so ashamed of myself. I thought all the things of what one person had said about me- from the way I walked, talked, looked etc.. I thought other people would think the same. So i just was always ashamed to get into friendships or relationships. Shame can really I think dictate you life without you really knowing.

I mean for years I have emotionally eaten. From the aftermath of my abuse - I got over anorexia/bulimia and then started to binge eat for years and years- I used food to stuff my shame- that is until now.

So I can see without that food- I guess I am now dealing with a lot of past emotions and it can be really hard. Because now, I go to work and there is a guy that I am attracted to and I have to deal with rejection ( but in my mind I feel it so much more because of the past), and boy does it make me so upset- tears and all - like a one way street to major depression at times and also the feeling like I cannot sit still- an anxiety thing.

The other issue that came up today was frustration with my own self interactions with people at work. I just hate being ignored/talked over. I dont understand it- and I know its probably some cue thing that I havent registered. But it can make you feel un-important. Its just something I guess I need to work on.

But see, this is where I get really overwhelmed with myself- where I feel like cringing and running for the hills..

So this is me at work....

Got my ipod on, blaring music- straight into my tasks. But every now and then I go into the front of the shop for things. And its there where interactions fall. This is where I completely fall short and I would forgive anyone in thinking that I dont like them- because its what I kind of put out there- to the males that is.

So I struggle with fear- of actually going up to the person and starting a conversation- not to say I dont do that, but I wont actually be friendly - I will try to have a laugh and maybe say something crude- or be serious and say something about work- but I will be there and gone quickly.

And I know most people can probably see through this. And I suppose they can see someone who struggles socially. The worst thing that I hate though, is not being authentic. So I, in the heat of a quick conversation will at times make up little lies to make my life seem more interesting - and its just stupid because everytime I do that I am denying my own life anyway.

My wish for myself is to make some good friendships, because I really need some. Sure I have friends from the past on Facebook- but in the midst of my shameful years I had made an effort to loose them. I feel so empty because of that.

I want to start with work. Because this is, I guess in a way- like a testing ground for me- socially that is.
(And I know, its a big ask of me, since my social life for about 15 years has basically been really just my parents and the occasional family or friend over 60..)
( and I guess this is a reason why I fear being authentic to people - like I make it seem better than it is.. because of shame).


So Ive been reading and watching things about social cues and making conversations- because those are the things that I generally lack in. God forbid if there was a camera of myself interacting at work- I know I would be shocked at how I act to others- not so much females though.

 

[PugofCrydee]

"I want to start with work. Because this is, I guess in a way- like a testing ground for me"

Yes! Great idea. I've used my workplace as a sort of testing ground too. It can be a great place to put things into practice.

 

[grapevine]

So my birthday wish is for me to be completely myself at work-

around guys, around everyone. Meaning, not lying about little things to make myself seem better, or saying I like something or have done stuff I know nothing about!!

And I know being myself takes guts- because I have alot of empties that dont sound interesting- and sounds completely insecure- and negative- but Im sick of trying to uphold an image of myself that isnt exactly me. Even though that image sounds great. I am better than that. I have acheivements - they have just been personal ones more than most.


And to also- make a dramatic turn socially- and actually be active in getting to know people and try to be friendly - asserting that.

I just want to be low key, be myself, have fun and form friendships.
..................................................................................................

 

[Xervello]

So my birthday wish is for me to be completely myself at work-

around guys, around everyone. Meaning, not lying about little things to make myself seem better, or saying I like something or have done stuff I know nothing about!!

And I know being myself takes guts- because I have alot of empties that dont sound interesting- and sounds completely insecure- and negative- but Im sick of trying to uphold an image of myself that isnt exactly me. Even though that image sounds great. I am better than that. I have acheivements - they have just been personal ones more than most.


And to also- make a dramatic turn socially- and actually be active in getting to know people and try to be friendly - asserting that.

I just want to be low key, be myself, have fun and form friendships.
..................................................................................................

I hope you make it come true!

 

[grapevine]

wow - thanks!

Ive been learning on Youtube - conversation skills and even how to be charasmatic (?) - watching all these videos and even copying them to mp3 for my ipod at work. I really want to practice this- its just it can be really hard to do!

For one, I know that the main thing I need to is calm myself down and not be so self conscious - because when I am so self conscious I dont allow myself time to actively acknowledge what the person said and how to respond. I have ended up with un-meaningful responses and I have always hated that.

But there is soo much 'stuff' to recognise and its a bit overwhelming and its almost like being back at high school doing tests again! I just really want this - because I see it nearly everytime I go to work-

Charisma and able to talk with people instantly like they have known them for ages- I get that this person comes from a family that have these skills - and where he probably learnt them- but its not only that- its the fact that he is completely comfortable in his own skin and doesn't seem one bit afraid to mention his limiting situations and mental health - in a positive light too.

That is a huge reason why I am attracted to him (yeah still). Its because of charisma- he can make people around him feel special and make everything seem comfortable and bring people together. God, he doesnt even say anything bad about other people ( but I think that is more a woman thing).

Anyway, these qualities are what I would like to have in my life. Its just when a person warts and all accepts themselves and acts very nice to people - its like a warm blanket of calm that can soothe your insecurities ( and yeah - that is what girls like me have to be careful of - because they can change I know that from personal experience)- but those qualities are what I have always liked in people and have always wanted myself. And its nice to read that I can perhaps try to do things myself to be more like that.

I think though, the hardest thing is my deep insecurities. So it makes it worse when I compare myself to this charasmatic person. Because although he is not living on his own, he lives with his sister and in a garage/basement type thing- and they live independently and you see photos of his extra large room- with tv and lounge and everything carefully placed - posters and trinkets etc.. like he takes pride in his space and his independence. I know I am comparing - but I live with my parents - sure we have acres of land - but my room is this pokey little narrow room - right next door to the lounge- where I struggle with my independence away from my parents- there in the next room. And half my room is my dog's area too.

So I feel like I just dont have that space I would love to expand my independence- not to mention I dont get much time for myself because of all the animals I have accumulated over the years. I wish that I had parents/family that were able to support me like he gets supported. So I get jealous of that.

I guess I make such a big deal about him because for years I thought that most people my age have families and careers - completely somewhere else to me- and then there is someone I find round the same age that has mental health issues too- although very different- I just dont feel as black and white anymore about it.

But having said all this- I still have a crush on this person that doesnt have one for me- and I have to constantly remind myself of that- that I have a crush and that is why I am feeling sad. Even though, if I was in a relationship with him- I would probably run a mile- its just that darn charisma that for someone like me who has avoided men for a very long time- to have someone like that come up to you and talk and joke - in such a way -it is like cheese to a mouse and I need to respect myself there.

But the pain I feel when I know he isnt in a certain day, or if he says things like 'Well if you need to go, you can go-' ( which is really, really silly because in my mind- 'he doesnt want me to stay- doesnt care' ( which is the case anyway)'. But even though I know that I would be deeply insecure in a relationship with him and it would end up hurting me- I still want to try to be friends because after all I see him all the time and avoiding him just makes it worse.
I have had a really god talk a week ago about all sorts of things and after that it felt much more easier to be around each other. Its just that I get really annoyed with myself and feel lesser than because I struggle so badly with walking up to him and initiating conversation- and I come out with sounding up myself and not myself and also even putting him down (which is fine, but its not exactly in my values).

So I guess he is the biggest hurdle in my goal at work. Because I put him on that pedastool- because Ive had a crush on him and havent stopped thinking about him- and because I hate that- and because I just want to diffuse it and make myself seem equal to myself and just be authentic without feeling like he judging everything too. And I know very well that despite how kind he can be to people and be very nice - that it can be a very different story in his own mindset- and I know this from those horrid fb texts and also from the way he has spoken about himself ( extreme grandiose about himself).

Its actually really funny one thing- because months back I started wearing some tighter fitting clothes and I thought- at one time that he was looking at me and then quickly looking away through the window - but I forgot to realise that on his side of the window its just a mirror and he couldnt even see me!lol Its so sad.

But even so, I still admire certain qualities he has- and maybe they can wear off on me? Who knows?

 

[grapevine]

Okay, just before I go to bed- things pop up and I want to get them out.

So what pops up is if I think about this week gone by and my exhausting ups and downs I have had. And its basically been just me.

Majority of my downs are nearly always to do with insecurity and a really sinking feeling that I am not good enough in so many ways. And the other downs have been the feeling of loneliness and rejection.

I know that loneliness is a feeling - I mean you can feel lonely around people. Its to do with your needs and values I think?

And rejection- I dont actually think I am rejected by anyone right now- I just perceive even the tiniest actions from people to mean that because I am thinking it? Well I guess there is probably not something with my crush- but I am learning to get over it over time-

But its that reflection of myself from him that brings up so many insecurities I guess. And maybe part of that is because I havent been calm and authentic. If I can be those 2 things around this person regardless of their actions towards me- then I think I can feel alot less insecure about myself. Almost like in my mind, standing up to this person and pushing that pedestool down.

I guess he is the centre of all thes swirling emotions I have been having for about 5 months now! And I think in a way I am greatful because it is helping me recognise them that maybe I would never of known were there.

 

[grapevine]

oooh ... okay I just got out a thought/feeling that is the main one I get when I go home from work ( and this was a thought/feeling almost unconscious in me!!)..

So what happens is I get really excited to go to work because there are my only social interactions there (apart from family)- I get excited because I feel independent and useful and also that at the start of every work day I make it a big deal to decide the night before what I am going to wear and I usually also take long showers the night before and the morning before- grooming myself more than usual because I want to make those days feel special- I want to feel special and doing those things I feel confident.

Anyway, So I make this big deal beforehand and I get excited. And esp (and unhealthly ) excited if my crush is there (and I hate that).

So obviously, what happens then is that there I am looking my best - and working - and then slowly I start to get disapointed as the day goes on esp if there are no social interactions much that day. Now there are things I should point out- like Im not initiating these social interactions- /// so of course naturally I think- im not good enough to talk to blah blah,..
But the thing is that the crush is at the front serving and cant exactly leave the register - and yet there I am desperately want to have some fun and have a good conversation with that person but I wont go up to him- (well I kind of will- but only to put something away and smile or laugh at something he says) - its really silly because I know that if I can just get myself to talk with him then I will naturally start to see his flaws more and stuff - so I know I need to push myself there.

But the thing is I am so setting myself up for sadness every work time- every time its time to go home from work- because I am left with this horrible sadness- I mean I am thinking about future social interactions with people at work on all the days I am not working and get all my hopes up to have a deep connection with people there only to be stuck in a small room working on my own and having someone I have a crush on not miss me at all.

So that feeling of driving home can be dreadful because I feel so lonely and un-important I guess and coming home to my tiny bit of independence my tiny bedroom that is half taken up by my dog and having to get past my parents so I can feel some independence and privacy and quietness.

The over all feeling is - Im coming home to this?? I dont want to go home- its so depressing.

So that is what happens.

 

[grapevine]

Okay- um bad day : ( ..

I got really upset this afternoon. and still am.

I tried going for a long drive - to make me feel a little better- and I guess it did to some degree- but I just feel very low, very low.

 

[grapevine]

I just want to crawl away and not come out- the way I used to live.

I guess I have put far too much pressure on myself. Going into work today- and I know its going to ed this way, but it really really hurts. It makes me feel like nothing and stupid for caring like this - about nothing that is there. Id love to have a friendship with people I work with- its my bday on Monday and I was going to go to the zoo, but I dont think I have the heart to go. I feel so alone , depressed and like I just dont know who I am anymore.

I hate it so much. When it this crush going to go! It makes me so so upset like Niagra Falls upset. I cant eat, cant sleep properly, cant do much without thinking about it all the time. And I hate it but I dont want to rid of it or dont know how to.

Went into work today without caffiene, went in with my goal - and it didnt go like I wanted. I mean that person is so hard to try to talk to - I guess it just upsets me that he can seem so uninterested when I make the effort to talk to him. Even when its about him. And I know that Im not special in his eyes- and then its like, I just feel stupid and all those rejection and lonliness flags over me. I mean I have no other social life - and right now I dont even know what I want - I just get so upset.

I mean the amount of things I keep trying to be able to talk this person, and try to be myself- try to engage and try to be friendly - it just keeps faulting - its so hard to do.

Im thinking I just dont want to care- and I know that is the answer. But care about what? Well before this crush I weighed 20 kg heavier and used food for comfort. For so many years I have lived without anyone my age in my life- and it was hard and upsetting - but now when I feel glimpses of people I would like to have a little of in my life- its really hard to be rejected like that I guess. So now I just feel like not caring about anything. And I know that is not the best thing to do - because its apathy and to make friends you need empathy.

Its just I feel so upset and it just keeps happening and happeneing. Everytime I see this guy, and react to the things that didnt happen that I wanted to happen because of this stupid crush - because I want a friend- etc.. no happy bday either - which was okay I guess. Its just why am I so wrapped in this guy

And I know hes got problems. I just want myself back and I cant find it.

And I feel like Ive got so much wrong with me! I feel like Im not friendly, not good enough - unkind- I do avoid theses thoughts or take the time to change them but sometimes they are just too easy to help these feeling come out.

I think that there is just always going to be an element there where I find my insecurities and desperateness - the need to want to belong but not- Im becoming at least more and more aware that this happens everytime I see this person anyway. Its just getting so tiresome.

 

[grapevine]

The day before my bday today and I was going to go into the city, 2 hours drive with my parents to go to the zoo but I didnt feel like it. All I did today was cry in bed for the first half of the day and the second half I slept.

What is wrong with me??!! I always make something special of a day. This morning I had to go into work because I forgot my jumper and I knew he would be there. Is just so stupid when Im reading things into glancers and stuff like that and I wish it would go straight away!

Im just playing comparing things. The worst thing is that I feel completely insecure until he is in a room- like if he is going to talk with me- then I feel more grounded because I see him with his faults and not as I do in my head.

I dont understand all this and I am sick of it. I feel just the same as I did when I was abused and I dont know why. My head has completely spun out with thoughts. All I want is to be back in my shell again but now I feel like I cant. Because I feel like I am not good enough there I guess.

See because he reminds me a lot about this abuse guy from years back (and not the abusive stuff - the attractive stuff) - Im assuming so many things that that guy said about me and thought about me- and projecting them onto this guy at work.

So I think that I need to do something grande in a hobby to be accepted or to show off. Like I cannot sit still, I have anxiety over this. I just remember every turn I made in the past - for every emotion I had - every word and action I had- there was always a put down- always a rejection and always never good enough- all those things I feel right now-

I really need help but I cringe seeing my psychologist (in a few weeks) because when ever I have really terrible times - she isnt really a comfort and it makes it worse.

I am just so sick of this tiny bedroom and my own little space of independence where my room is shared by an old co-dependent dog who likes to stare at me all the time which I cant stand- and he gets me up all night as I have to take him outside and reacts to little movements I make. Then there is all the other animals outside I have about 50 chickens that overbred- and they all scream for me to feed them - and then they all still get hungry and I run out of food- and then there are my other animals too-

and then there are my parents who are very loud a talking and watching loud tv - right next to my room. The co-dependence with my mum because she is partly deaf- all these years I have lived my life through her and my dad- I am like a walking 60 year old in a 33 years old body. But since I have started work- I have pulled those ties and now it is very hard for me to sit and watch tv and things like that with my parents because it makes me feel very uncomfortable like I am screaming inside and like I am denying any of my youth or something.

I guess I think about this guy at work and see him in my mind n his spacious room playing guitar with his friends and drinking and having fun - and compare that to myself.
My heart is just not in anything anymore at the moment.

I feel so depressed- my mind has racing thoughts all the time, and it can be really hard to go through them because they can really touch nerves.

I was completely fine 5 months ago. I was enjoying work, enjoying having a little attention from guys ( and that was it, I was happy with that), I was working on my weightloss goal and I was busy with my eBay shop and buying bargains to sell. I was into watching movies and I remember being really excited when I got my maniquins for ebay at the post office.

Then, I dont know - it all went wrong.

And I dont know how to get back into my life because I dont see it as exciting as I once did- I see this other persons life exciting - and want a life like that. I want to have a big spacious room to decorate and to live with someone supportive (other than my parents) and to be able to play the guitar or something creative like that and have friends that come over and start a band and be proud of myself and take care of my space.

I feel in stark contrast. I am trying to find a positive light in amongst my life - but I just cant get to that. There are so many distractions.

And I just hate that I am this age and my own independence at home is tiny room.

 

[grapevine]

Also, I just thought about this..

So when you actually get to a conversation with someone your own age and stuff - and then find that when they ask you about your life- it feels uncomfortable. Like you dont stack up- like youve treated yourself , your life poorly, like your not worthy of that question.
Your not exciting blah, blah..

I think that is the feelings I get.