Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Nuthin' seems tae be gan right for me, lately. :kickingmyself: Like yesterday, ah got the same dizzy trainee nurse, ah got a few weeks ago. The wummin from Cumbria, which is a town just on the border with Scotland. More concerned aboot tha possibility o' hurting me. Ah mean, ah've got an ingrown toenail, just put the baggage on!

Beside, ah went through worse pain last year, believe you me. Until last year I'd always assumed huvin' yer knee-caps broke wus yer typical gangster/mafia mentaility. Anyway, that's a long story...

Also, hud to defend masel' against the accusation that I'm lazy. Me, who spend most o' ma time putting other folk first. Rather than spending ma time laying on the couch watching the TV and sleeping for much of the day. :idontknow:

I'm equally tired of trying to do nice things and be a good person, only to be telt I'm selfish and ungrateful. But ma family seem happy to project their issues onto me. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

F**kin' loathe politics. :kickingmyself: Got the local council elections here in Scotland this week, followed by a f**kin' General Election in a few months time. Bloody sick of it. The worst things is ma family tend to be nosy c*nts and starts ask ye who ya voted for, then give ye guff for voting. :thumbdown:

To which I've always said: "My vote, my business". But just because the rest of south-west Scotland votes conservative, my family says I have to as well. Och well, better keep in with this crowd, huh? F**k change, to hell with being different. In fact, f**k thinking for yersel' all together. Cuz that just cause problems, doesn't it? :kickingmyself:

Urrgh!! I hate the town where I live. Why is it, the small towns always huv this stand-offish, keep to their own mentality? Just sayin', it's hard to fit in when ye look like me. Cannae even claim to transginger, on account o' ma freckles, y'know?

Not that I've really ever fit in anywhere to begin with, like

Anyway, that's ma rant over.

In more deprressing news, I overheard my mum yapping to the neighbours next door, Just them, the neighbours, asking my mum how old I'd be next year. 30 by Christ. Yet I don't feel that age mentally. Hardly surprising, though. Considering for most of my life, I've had other people do everything for me. Things yer supposed to be taught and know by the time ye get to my age. Even having my family talk for me, doesnae exactly help things, does it? And they wonder why I'm so shy and introverted.

 

[theslowesthand]

Not feelin' too great at the moment. My life feels so boring, directionless and pointless.

Aye can sadly relate with yer there. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

Cannae even claim to transginger, on account o' ma freckles, y'know?[/I]

What's transginger? Never heard of it.

 

[Graeme1988]

What's transginger? Never heard of it.

Just a wee word-play joke; a spin on the term "transgender" *. Since most folk in Scotland tend to huv ginger hair n' freckles. Whereas I've just got the freckles.


Plus, there's this white woman in America who, a couple years ago, claimed she was a black women. Even went as far to grow her hair into an afro. And it came to light that she's a white, middle class women, who recently made the claim of being trans-racial. Purely based on the fact that her parent adopted a couple mixed-race kids.

* Ah know, most o' ma jokes are way too subtle.

 

[Graeme1988]

Woke up in a right crabbit mood the day. Snapped at my mum. :veryangry:
Didnae get much sleep cuz this ingrown toenail giving me jip all night.

Oh, and it's turn's oot, it's not an ingrown nail ataw. Well, according my sister, anyway. Who thinks it's just been an infection with her prodding away at the hard skin near the top o' ma left toenail. h: She's the "expert" so ah tend not to question her judgement. Since she seems to take umbrage with me for expressing my sensible opinion. :idontknow:

Ah also wouldnae be dealing with this problem, had an appointment for the doctor been made when I'd asked.
But no, naebuddy takes ma concerns seriously. :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

More dysfunction within my family. I'm starting to run out of ways to actually cope. Since being distance usually leds them starting on me.

You're selfish, ye dinnae care aboot us. :crying:

Well, I'm not the one slamming doors, shouting and acting like a spoiled child throwing a tantrum cuz things aren't going my way. Naw, I'm gritting my teeth, wondering if ah should knife masel' tae death? Just stab masel' and get it over with. Because taking my internal rage out on my bedroom door, while cathertic, would land in both with my local council.

Still, on the positive side of things, a stress-induced heart-attack is likely to be the very thing that kills me.

Wish ah could move somewhere that took longer than an hours journey to get to. At least then, family wouldnae bother their arses to visit me. And I'd be left on ma own.

 

[Graeme1988]

Kinda feels like things are going to fast for me, lately. But then I've not really been doing much. So I guess that's why all the gigs I've been attending lately seem to bleed into each other, despite being months apart.

Me being too knackered mentally and physically to do anything, and I really need to get back to the shape I was in last year. Especially if I'm gonnae be wandering aboot this summer when ah gan back to Scotland's capital city.

Speaking of that, what d'ye think o' this t-shirt?

I'm kinda unsure, since it'd be a massive risk. :thinking: Since I know it could taken the wrong way and end up I getting into an argument with some liberal student or at worst I'm punched in the stomach for it. Mind you, at ma size ah doubt folk will be messin' with me.
Though, ah know I'll get narrow-eyed looks anyway, cuz ah did 2 years.

 

[Graeme1988]

This is another shirt I considering.

Or I'll probably wear tha same ones I wore last year. :idontknow:

 

[theslowesthand]

This is another shirt I considering.

I like this one with the blow-up doll! (i could probably do with one of those)
Hmmm, i wonder if you put air in thru a nipple?

 

[Graeme1988]

Why tha f**k did I bother getting outta bed today? :sad:
It's just the same ol' thing. Day in, day oot - same miserable, boring routine. :kickingmyself:

But that fear has been hardwired intae me. Fear of other people, fear of what folk will think o' me. Fear of standing out too much. Ah know that last bit a ironic as f**k. Me being a big, tall, brown, beardy, specky bawbag with tattoos.

And despite my best efforts to motivate her, my mum would rather lie on her fat arse watching the telly most o' the day or sleeping. But as soon I walking into the living the complaints start: "Oh, ma knee! Life's no fair"

It's always negativity and excuses. "It's too much hassle travelling". Well, there's my offer to take her to a show at Scotland's oldest working theatre buggered. And ah even said I'd pay for the tickets. Even offered to her the chance to pick a couple of her favourite comedians to see in Edinburgh this year, and we'd make a day. Go for a meal between shows. F**k, I even made her a deal that ah wouldnae wear a joke t-shirt on that day. Still, no. She doesnae want to go.

 

[Graeme1988]

She'll whine aboot me going with my sister on the day of going to a gig. In that guilt-tripping, "Why aren't ye taking me as well?", petty tone of voice. Because she doesnae like being in the house by herself when I'm away. Ye would think she'd take the offer to tag along. She did it last month when I said I was going to see a comedian that she also liked. But despite me asking multiple times afore booking tickets, she insisted that only me and my sister went.

Then occassionally, she'll refuse my offer to go with, only to book 3 tickets for me, my oldest sister - who's the chauffeur - and herself when I ask if she want me to book tickets online or is she doing it via the phone. Once the booking done, only then does she tell she's changed her mind about not going. h: :idontknow:

Somehow I'm still made out to be this ungrateful, selfish, manipulative, egotistical @rsehole. :thumbdown:
Also, ah hate when folk never commit when they say they're going to do something.

 

[Graeme1988]

I like this one with the blow-up doll! (i could probably do with one of those)
Hmmm, i wonder if you put air in thru a nipple?

:bigsmile: :lol:

 

[Graeme1988]

Feeling extremely low at the moment. Suicidal thoughts, fatique and generally sick of being bossy around, taken advantage of and treat like shit. Like I'm retarded. :sad: My mum the f**kin' worst when it comes to that, repeatedly nagging me to do this, do that. Then when I get pissed at her for doing it, I'm the bad guy.

Like, ye don't have to tell me what to do all the time. :kickingmyself:

Things were looking so promising last year, but now back to the same ol' routine. Isolated, numb, detached. But hey, I'm the one who frequently gets lied to. So, I guess I deserve to kept in line, told what to do and when to do it. Since I clearly lack common sense.

Starting wonder if it's me who's problem, not my family? :question: I mean, they constantly tell I'm difficult, manipulative and generally a bore to be around. :idontknow: Though, I am having to live up to their unspoken expectations. So, cannae really win.

And I near ask for help when I need it. Because of the fear of feeling stupid, or not knowing what reaction I'll get if I ask for help. Past experience with my mum has taught me that she should be kept in the dark and outta the loop regarding me. Since she's shown who she's got more compassion for - and it ain't me. Because there's this constant f**kin' vibe of negativity and hatred when I'm around.

My oldest sister thinks I get my self-esteem issues and generally pessimistic attitude for our mother, which might be true. Since you don't tend to mimic and reflect the views of those around ye. And my mum's forever finding something to complain about.

When she's not around, however - f**k me, it's like a weight has be lifted off ma shoulders. I don't have to ask before I do anything. Yeah, that's how controlling she is towards me. Since she hates it when I go against her wishes. And the vibe is zen as f**k. Can do what I want, don't have answer or justify myself. That's my main reason for wanting a place of my own. That, and people can't just walk into yer room and raid yer DVD collection for movies ya never get back.

Sorry that was a bit of random. Ma mind feels awfy clutterly lately to the point of not really enjoying much, because my mind is always focused on summit else. Got a lot to do before the summer, and my family seem content with promising me help but not doing anything as far as this big clear out goes. Whereas I want it over and done with.

 

[Graeme1988]

Huvin a hellish time at the moment. Feeling quite depressed and tired. :sad:
Also, ah think it might a fungal nail infection on my big left toe, instead of the suspected ingrown toenail.

And too much has happened to me the last few months that ah huv'nae hud time to process everything. Anybuddy else get like that, or is it just me? Like things are happening that quickly that ye don't huv time to take it all in. :idontknow:

 

[Hot_Tamale]

Becoming emotionally dead inside with an occasional amount of pent up anger has become my coping mechanism for when things happen too fast or when things are out of control or too uncomfortable in my life. One of my co-workers compared to me to an "android" this week (some kind of robot I think?).

I wish I could help with your toe but I'm not that kind of doctor I only study exercise.

 

[Graeme1988]

Becoming emotionally dead inside with an occasional amount of pent up anger has become my coping mechanism for when things happen too fast or when things are out of control or too uncomfortable in my life. One of my co-workers compared to me to an "android" this week (some kind of robot I think?).

I've been that way for years, man. The being emotionally deid inside - sorry, dead. Sliping intae tha auld vernacular, there.

Ye kinda become that way when yer family's dysfunctional. And ye witness and overhear the grown adult wimmin of the family throwing violent, childish temper tantrums.

An android is a type of robot which can immate humans.
In sci-fi terms, yer talking the first two movies in Terminator franchise. Or 2015's Ex Machina. Sorry, didnae mean to get all nerdy. h:

I wish I could help with your toe but I'm not that kind of doctor I only study exercise.

Och, it's gradually getting better. Certainly not in the same level of pain that I was in, around mid-March, where walking became almost too painful. Due my big left toe being swollen, from all the puse that had built-up in the corner of my toe. But the nurses I've been seeing since the last week of March have seen to that. Just been trying to kill the hard skin that formed where the infection was for the past few weeks.

But I've got a referral for a podiatry appointment. So, I'll see what they say about. My sister had a look at it for me the other day, and said there's nothing sticking out at the side of the nail, where the infection was, that hints at my toenail being ingrown. Another being that it's not sore to touch now, in terms of there being any sharp pain.

 

[Hot_Tamale]

An android is a type of robot which can immate humans. In sci-fi terms, yer talking the first two movies in Terminator franchise. Or 2015's Ex Machina.

Ohhh, I thought androids were kinds of robots from Star Wars movies. Thanks

 

[Graeme1988]

Ohhh, I thought androids were kinds of robots from Star Wars movies. Thanks

Oh, yeah, those as well. :bigsmile: It's just the use of the term by yer co-workers made me think more along the lines of a sci-fi movie where a robot looks and acts like a human to a certain degree - ie the Terminator movies.

 

[Graeme1988]

Starting to wondering if I'm just a f**kin' jinx. Nuthin' goes right for me, ever. Or, as is the case most o' tha time, ah'll f**k-up and just make things worse. Supposed the constant doubting ma own abilities doesnae exactly help.

And as if a toenail infection wus'nae bad enough, ah hud a bit of a coughing fit, mainly just spitting up phelgm. This has now developed into a really sore throat. So, ah cannae talk. Not that that's anythin' new - me not talking...