Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

Wonder if they'd - (my family) - think any less of me if I took my life in 2 years? :question: Since, y'know, they haven't exactly treated me like family - except when I was going through my orthopedic surgery early this year.

But even that wus short-lived, since it aw back tae square yin now. Back to being ignored and unappreciated as usual. :sad:

And they don't really deserve to burden with an idiot like me, to be honest. They're much happier when I'm not around, anyway. What with me being a shy, quiet, person most of the time. Mainly because everytime I speak I say something wrong or too honest. So I just stay silent.

Also, they've never fully understood how much of struggle it's been for me. Telling me how I should feel about my disability, as if it some great blessing to be this different from everyone else. :kickingmyself:

Sure they attempt to empathasise with me, but it's usually when they're bemoaning having a sore foot, or the like. Which hardly compares with the pain my cerebral palsy enficts upon me everyday. At least they can walk without the fear their knees suddenly giving out and buckling under them at any given moment.

Sorry, just venting. Not doing so great, lately. No friends. Nae life. Nae purpose.
Don't know whether I should be sensible and save ma money? Or blow £20 on booze and buy a 12 pack of minatures? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Right, here's the final bit of that story which related back to my last couple of posts. I'll probably split in into 2 more posts as well.

Friday August 6th 2016

So, sitting outside the aforementioned Gilded Balloon venue, me and my sister are chatting away. Ah think we were tryin' tae figure oot if we should chance our luck and try to rebook the show we hud just missed upon getting to Edinburgh for a later date during the festival, or wait and see if they end up doing a tour of Scotland and stop-off for a show in Dumfries.

As ah said, ah think that's we were discussing? Cause ah seriously cannae remember. And it might've huv been about half past four in the afternoon. When, suddenly as I'm still talking to my sister, this posh voiced English lady says "Hello...".

I turn my head, look up, and this gorgeous redhead is standing before me...

^ This is Diane Spencer. And, yes, that really is her actual name.
Same as the late Diana, Princess of Wales.

Anyway, after responding in kind with "Oh, hullo..." as we were stop mid-conversation, Diane hands us a flyer, croutches down and tell my sister and I about her new show. And how she's eventually going filming her new Edinburgh Fringe show at a later date in London, and uploads it to YouTube.

Now, here's where it all goes a bit doolally, because ah huv an out of body experience of sorts. Sure, I'm smiling, nodding and responsive, going: "Uh-huh"

. Aw seem well externally. So far, so normal...

But, sadly for half ma brain, it wus a different story going on:

. And ma internal dialogue's gan it dinger:

"Whit da fu...?! Wait, is that - naw! Cannae be her, surely no? F**kin' hell, is it her!"​

It's like time's standing still. And I tryin' to keep ma nerve, physically. As, unbeknownst to my sister sitting beside for this duration of this encounter, and the woman herself - who wouldnae be aware of this for a few hours yet - I've actually recognised Diane here, still croutching to maintain eye contact with me.

Because 4 years ago, in a 2012, I randomly discovered her via YouTube, as she'd uploaded a few of previous stand-up comedy to the website in full. While I was actually just looking to see if there were any full length hour-long stand-up comedy specials uploaded, and one of the 2 shows she'd uploaded a few years previously was getting a lotta views.

So, liking her story-telling style and dark humour, I checked for her website to see if she had any shows available. And she had 2 DVDs on sale. But that wus'nae aw, I'd get personalised signed photo sent out along with the DVDs once they were paid for and purchased.

And I actually have it framed on my bedroom wall, next to my bookcase.
It's a 6x8" photo of this image, shown below:

With the following written across it:

Dear Graeme,
Thank you for laughing at me.
All the best. Diane x

Remember this story from early into my visit to the Edinburgh Fringe this year? Aye. Well, eh...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gpgd4o6eyfo

this is just short wee tour outside the Gilded Balloon venue in Edinburgh.​

^ I actually showed this video to my oldest sister the other day. And she's almost certain that Diane filmed this short 2 minute clip on the same day she'd spoke to us, and she could be right.

 

[Graeme1988]

I can't seem to do anything right. :kickingmyself: Urrgh! Why couldn't I huv just died at birth and gotten it over with already? :sad:

 

[SpaceTime]

Don't know if I should even attempt to mastering this whole recording studio setup? :idontknow: Ah feel really outta my depths for even trying, like.
Also, there's no really end goal as such. :thinking: I can't see myself put anything I record out there.
Since I am quite wary of that, just mere thought of it. Never really had a great deal of confidence in myself as a person, really.
Never felt good enough in many ways.

Hold off spending too much if you have doubts and use the trials and freebies. I dont think you will be out of your depth, but there is a learning curve, no denying it. All part of the fun though dude. :bigsmile:

There are loads of training vids online, some free, some paid for. I used the Groove3 ones, theyre affordable and def gave me a head start. Their subscription is 12 quid a month and you can cancel any time, so you could just sign up watch as much as you can absorb and cancel before the next payment at your month end. They have a lot of Studio One and Reaper courses and they're more interesting than mainstream tv.

Why not install S1 prime or Reaper Trial and just see how it goes? Maybe start with recording your geetar so you're working with an instrument you know, then add another guitar on a second track and take it from there. If you hate it then at least you know you've had a go, but chances are you'll get hooked - most musos do!

 

[Graeme1988]

Hold off spending too much if you have doubts and use the trials and freebies. I dont think you will be out of your depth, but there is a learning curve, no denying it. All part of the fun though dude. :bigsmile:

There are loads of training vids online, some free, some paid for. I used the Groove3 ones, theyre affordable and def gave me a head start. Their subscription is 12 quid a month and you can cancel any time, so you could just sign up watch as much as you can absorb and cancel before the next payment at your month end. They have a lot of Studio One and Reaper courses and they're more interesting than mainstream tv.

Don't know if it's just feeling out of my depth, due to not being familiar with that side of the process? Since I never fully comprehended it during secondary school.

I've seen a few snippets of those Groove3 videos on YouTube. They look pretty good. And if the subscription is cancel anytime. Might sign up and watch some of the AmpliTube tutorials, and the audio/MIDI setup tutorials?

Why not install S1 prime or Reaper Trial and just see how it goes? Maybe start with recording your geetar so you're working with an instrument you know, then add another guitar on a second track and take it from there. If you hate it then at least you know you've had a go, but chances are you'll get hooked - most musos do!

Well, my sister has actually set me a fun wee challenge, based off what I told her about this song by Shinedown:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9itwt_opsvQ

Basically, ah telt her that the song wus shite. But could've been better if some wee bits were added and rearranged. She's suggested I learn the song, which sound pretty easy, and record an instrumental cover. But do the arrangement how I think it should sound.

 

[Graeme1988]

Don't really know what to do with my life? :idontknow:

People seem to think better of me when I don't speak. As my learning disabilty becomes more obvious, the more I speak. Or do I become more outgoing and loud like the rest of my family? Since I always come across as the one who doesnae quite belong, yet I standout all the same.

Or is it just too late for me? Since I don't really fit in anywhere or with anyone, really.
And my family seem to focus more upon what I can't do as opposed to what I can, which is still not much when compared to other folk my age. And they always tell me there are people worse off than me, which ah guess, is supposed to make me feel glad my disability isn't as bad as it could be.

Still sucks, nonetheless. Would've been better if I'd been born normal. At least then, life would be less of a struggle from a physical standpoint.

Doesnae exactly say much about me when music seems to be the only thing I'm good at in life. As for the rest, ah don't huv a clue. Quite amazing that my family put up with my useless, uneducated arse, really. At least they care about me still being here, not so much my daily struggles.

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah think my learning disability is the hardest part of living my cerebral palsy, only because I have to hide it. Not because I'm ashamed of it, but just so people don't have more reason to take pity upon me.

Though, it's even worse when I'm clearly out of my depth and no-one steps in to help me out. And I'm just left feelin' a bit retarded. But that's me 99% of the time, really.

Because my memory and brain functionality are slowing going to shit, which is even more depressing considering my age. But hardly surprising, when you consider ah got the usual: "Ah don't know" :idontknow: in response to nearly every question I asked my mum or my sisters growing up. Or they'd lie to me for their own amusement, knowing ah wus glakit enough to take their answer at face value. :sad: :kickingmyself:

 

[Graeme1988]

Eh, I'm probably going to see how the next few months go for me. If there's nae drastic change then I'll probably off myself. Since there's no point prolonging my misery just for sake of everyone else's happiness.

It's become clearly to me recently that I'm a pretty screw-up person for whom ah'd need a f**kin' miracle to get my life going in a positive direction.

Most people take an instant dislike to me, anyway. And my family's perceptions of me as unfriendly and anti-social are too hardwired to ever change, even when I tried to make an effort to change my ways. So... what else is there? :idontknow:

Being a hermit might be the best option for me? At least then I'd be out the way, and not feel like I'm bothering anyone or wasting their time.

 

[Graeme1988]

Sorry, I've just been feeling really effin' depressed about my life as o' late. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Guess I should just make peace with the fact that ah will'nae be the person ah hud the potential of being in ma younger years. Seems a bit late to try and break the cycle of failure and utter stupidity that's held me back of so long.

Smart to some degree, but incredibly dumb, overall. I don't know how I made it this far in life, considering my lack of knowledge about the world and people around me? Ah'd put that down to luck more than intelligence. Or possibly me not feeling at ease around others. :sad:

Mibbe I'm just doomed to repeat the mistakes of my parents? Since like my mum, I'm not all there mentally if I'm honest. And like my dad, I'm quite stern and uptight, more so as I age.

Man, I miss how I was before my life went to shit. Alone, but at least, I was happy. The isolation didnae really bother as much as it did my family - and still does. To be honest, ah've kinda accept that my place always be on the outsider lookin' in. Observering but not part taking. Which only getting depressing when I sit think about how much I wish ah wus'nae born like I was.

I also fear I'm going end up with Alzheimer's Disease, at some point. Since I'm becoming more and more forgetful, and noticing it. But my family keep dismissing my concern as me worrying over nowt. Though, being brain-damaged at birth, would probably make ya more susceptible to demntia? :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

So much to look forward to, and yet, I don't feel aw that excited about it. :sad: :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Finally got some speaker bracket mounts for my KRK Rokit monitors. Just need to get a tape-measure and work out the best placement for 'em.
Due how my room is, I won't be able to get this exact placement:

So I'll just have do the best with it. Kinda lookin' forward to get my wee studio setup in place.
Whether it sparks any creativity after a long 10 year hiatus of not playing music is another story... :idontknow:

 

[Graeme1988]

Not in the best or happiest place at the moment mentally. Kinda feel like my family would be better off without me, since ah feel like a defective burden whom they're forced to tolerate. Despite being much happier when I opt not to be around 'em.

I worry about my future, and how my sheltered existence has impacted how I cope with the world. Being constantly discouraged from certain things by my mum hus'nae exactly helped. Kinda made ma life mair stressful really.

Since she's constantly discourage me from doing stuff, but I have just accept her hoarding habit of buying food that'll never eaten, and juice that won't be drank. :kickingmyself:

And I've came to the realisation that I'm just an uneducated, irritating wee shitebag, who shouldnae really be here ataw, really. :sad:

Just want this to end, because things huv'nae exactly gotten any easier for me, despite being optimistic that they might. Not hugely, but a wee bit less struggle would've been nice. It's gettin' kinda shitty waking up evey morning and wondering why ah even bothered. :crying:

 

[Graeme1988]

My mind is slowly failing me. :sad: :crying: :kickingmyself:

Don't know if ah should start buying booze again? :question:

 

[theslowesthand]

Don't know if ah should start buying booze again? :question:

I drink regularly, and it's safe to say i use booze as a "crutch". But i try not to drink when i'm "okay", to have a break from it, you know, moderation an' all. It's just one of many "drugs" that modern people consume (eg sugar, caffeine, tv, sex, ...). It gives yer mind a break from the stressing, misery & so on, so that be good ain't it?

ps: if ye can, stick more with beers, and less of spirits, as its more healthy overall imho

 

[Graeme1988]

So much for thinking, or even hoping, things would be different than what they were before. But nuthin' ever changes... Just the same auld shite. :sad: At least for me, anyway. Mibbe it's not supposed to change, y'know? Like me living on ma own, being independent, moving away from and relying less on ma family, etc.

Isn't weird how my family cannae go days withoot seein' or hearin' from me, yet the feelin' isnae reciprocal fae my end? Cuz a week to myself is f**kin' blissful - much like how Homer felt in that episode of The Simpsons where he decides to stop going to church.

Probably because there's no this dour-faced, miserable, big-arsed wummin complaining to her only son every few seconds.
Whether it's about how shite life is, or how sore her knee is, and implying that's why it's raining. mg: :kickingmyself:

 

[theslowesthand]

So much for thinking, or even hoping, things would be different than what they were before. But nuthin' ever changes... Just the same auld shite. :sad: At least for me, anyway. Mibbe it's not supposed to change, y'know? Like me living on ma own, being independent, moving away from and relying less on ma family, etc

Feel the same about my life. Like i'm permanently stuck in this giant rut, going round & round, but getting nowhere.

 

[Graeme1988]

I drink regularly, and it's safe to say i use booze as a "crutch". But i try not to drink when i'm "okay", to have a break from it, you know, moderation an' all. It's just one of many "drugs" that modern people consume (eg sugar, caffeine, tv, sex, ...). It gives yer mind a break from the stressing, misery & so on, so that be good ain't it?

ps: if ye can, stick more with beers, and less of spirits, as its more healthy overall imho

So, ease up this stuff, then? :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

Feel the same about my life. Like i'm permanently stuck in this giant rut, going round & round, but getting nowhere.

Aye, that's pretty ma life, anaw.

But then ah've got the stress and pressure o' living with a family who constantly like tae tell I'm wrong aw the time. And expect me to put them first, stroke their f**kin' ego.

Oh, aye - yer no wrang! Despite the fact you've got a compulsive hoarding, which extended to how I'm no allow to get rid ma things. Cuz that's normal, eh?

How is it I'm supposed smart and sensible, yet every bit o' advice I give goes on deaf ears, Or I'm laughed at... as always. It's depressin' huvin tae shut up and keep the peace when yer mentally being pushed tae yer tolerance limit. :kickingmyself:

Though, my family are probably the reason I'm no much of a people person.
Ah mean, when you've gotta put up with folk lying to ya aw the time, why bother make an effort with people. Also, being taught not to trust naebuddy really helped, like. :sad:

It's hard huvin put on the happy, fake front fully aware everything's gan tae shite. Yet, I'm just to pretend it's aw f**kin' grand. :veryangry: Because ma family cannae handle the slightest criticism. Well, except me, obviously - cuz they always find summit about me to be critical of.

Ah cannae even help out aroon the hoose, unless asked. Because everytime I try to, they'll end up fightin' with me. mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Just when ah think everything's going great... Wallop! Life boots me right in the bawz. :kickingmyself:
One of my laptops is knackered again. :sad:

Though, on a more positive post-surgery note, ah nearly walk out the front door yesterday without my crutches. What!

Never actually thought I'd get use to walking unaided after the surgery, so that quite an achievement.