Och aye the noo

[Graeme1988]

4 days.... I wonder if that’s The longest period my older sister has gone without causing a f*ckin’ rammy? :thinking: Angry, pointless arguments seem to be her skill. :idontknow:

Anyway, on Tuesday just past there, my older sister lost over the oldest sibling making change to Skype app on my 3 year old niece’s Samsung tablet. Dinnae ask... cuz ah don’t why, either! Apparently that the app couple’s use if they want to see their kids, but cannae be there with them in person.

So, after threatening to take oot a mafia hit on the eldest sibling, “Am gonnae f*ckin’ kill her, so ah um! What tha f*ck’s she went n’ done tae the Skype oan this tablet?!”. Aw hell breaks loose. With the older sister regress back to her teenager. Tell her 3 year daughter (my niece) to...

”Shut tha f*ck up!! Am trying tae fix this!! Go away, am bloody sick o’ you!”
Which, needless to say, pissed me off.​

Oh, but then, the moment really made me lose it. In middle of this technological catastrophe, our mother asks about dinner. Wrong move...

”D’ye want yer dinner?”
“No!”, my older sister snaps
”Awrite! Ah wus only asking! Nae need tae be like that”, my mother says angrily.
“Aw, ah dinnae want ma f*ckin’ dinner anyway!! Sticking up yer f*ckin’ arse!”
There’s a slight pause, and am thinking: Aww f*ck... somebuddy gone storm off in tears in a moment.
But, no, my mother gives a totally apt, sarcastic response.
”Stick it up ma arse? Ah’ll try, but it’ll probably no fit” :lol:
​

^ And that’s why dysfunctional family are great... hysterically funny, surreal moments like that.

 

[Graeme1988]

And from laughter we going right back to tragedy... :kickingmyself: Why does the happiness never last? :crying:

I genuinely don’t think I’ll be alive come this time next year. That’s no me making a cry for help r being overly dramatic. I seriously don’t think I’ll be around much longer. I’m just... a broken man. Growing up with toxic, dysfunctional people will make ye that way. It’s just how it is.

But I’ve just had enough... Nuthin’ matters. Naebuddy seems to care. Ah mean none of them give a f*ck that I even exist, so why not make it permanent? Cuz that only time folk ever seem to genuinely care... when it’s too late.

But hey, who gives a flying f*ck if one of my earliest memories is my family arguing. That’s not in any way significant. That doesnae play into my personality of being the shy, quiet, bookish loner. Or my avoidant, anti-social tendencies on later in life. Nothing to do with the fact an argument can ensue based on something stupidly trival.

Aw wait, ah forgot! It’s totally normal for families tae huv massive arguments where yer just roaring n’ shouting n’ swearing at each other over dumb, mundane shite on a daily basis.

And my oldest sister says she doesnae think the middle child is aware of hurt she causes. Well... f*ck me, I’m a virgin! How many years did it take for ye cop onto that yin, sis? Did ya just notice last week or summit? Ah could’ve telt ya that back when ah wus 14...!

:veryangry:

 

[Graeme1988]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nuSnE6GNdo

 

[Graeme1988]

I’ve been finding it quite difficult to be happy or enjoy things lately. :idontknow:

Guess I haven’t full come to terms with what happened last year. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

I’ve been finding it quite difficult to be happy or enjoy things lately. :idontknow:

Guess I haven’t full come to terms with what happened last year. :sad:

Borrowing your quote...

I’ve been finding it quite difficult to be happy or enjoy things in the last decade especially, but also for my whole life.

Guess I haven’t full come to terms with what's happened during my life? :question:

'Oooooooooh it makes me wonder'

 

[Graeme1988]

Borrowing your quote...

I’ve been finding it quite difficult to be happy or enjoy things in the last decade especially, but also for my whole life.

Guess I haven’t full come to terms with what's happened during my life? :question:

'Oooooooooh it makes me wonder'

Yeah, I can relate. And certain experiences do impact and stay with us.

Though I’ve not found it as difficult as you in terms of enjoying things, I guess I feel more guilty for doing so. :idontknow: Since, to most folk, my life is pretty ”easy”. :sad:

 

[theslowesthand]

Though I’ve not found it as difficult as you in terms of enjoying things, I guess I feel more guilty for doing so. :idontknow:

Yeah, i barely enjoy anything at all these days. And i find it impossible to deeply relax. The two may be related.

Since, to most folk, my life is pretty ”easy”. :sad:

Annoyingly, most folk judge on outer/shallow appearances, but they have NO IDEA what the HELL you're going thru with mental health.

 

[theslowesthand]

I hope you're okay Graeme, as we haven't heard much from you lately. :question:

 

[Graeme1988]

I hope you're okay Graeme, as we haven't heard much from you lately.

Kinda awrite but mostly... well f*ck knows. :idontknow: A year on from everything going to shit, and it’s still the same. :sad:

Only now, my mother’s spouting the exact same “Am fed-up, hud enuff... cannae take much mair o’ this” line I’ve been saying since last summer. :thumbdown: She went off on my oldest sister over the phone a couple of days ago. Crying, swearing; and what got me wus...

My mother sayin’ aw this as though she’s only yin living in the house! But, naw, me feeling like ah don’t belong, feeling invisible... ah did that to myself, apparently! How ma family treats me has nuthin’ to do with it. :crying:​

Guess it’s different when my mother says it, as opposed to me expressing those exact same feeling? So, am just wondering what to do with ma life? Since there’s no chance that things will ever go back to how they were. Just feeling lost n’ miserable at the moment, really.

Though I’m starting to get why I tend to keep quiet and rarely speak up. It’s because, every time without fail, I get smeared as a bully, the effing b@$%@rd who care only about himself. And, apparently, I do: “f*ck all, anyway”, according to my older sister.

Which is pretty ironic, given how often in the last 15 years I’ve gone outta my way to actually help or do something for my family. Fixing laptops, printing or copying stuff... Nah! Still useless as always, huh?

 

[Graeme1988]

mg: :kickingmyself: :veryangry:

 

[Graeme1988]

mg: :kickingmyself: :veryangry:

Well... agreeing to teach my oldest sister the bass guitar wus summit ah should’ve said “Naw, dae it yerself” h:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well... agreeing to teach my oldest sister the bass guitar wus summit ah should’ve said “Naw, dae it yerself” h:

“D’ye think ah’ll be able tae... ? Ah cannae dae this right... Ow, ya - that hurt!” :kickingmyself: Why is it that everybuddy that ah’ve attempt to help learn the guitar, ends up basically gieing me hints that they dinnae intent to pit the work in? :thumbdown: What?! So every guitarist or bassist you can name just pick up the instrument yin day and could play it perfectly fae the off? Pfft! Aye, right...

It f*cking annoys me how folk who huv’nae played an instrument a day in their life huv this utter bawlicks perception that an instrument like the guitar is somehow easy to play. Aw, is it noo? Aye, easy for the person made an effort to practice for 3 hours a day, everyday. And can actually play tha fecking thing might ah add...

^ Sorry just needed to rant... Mind you, it’s a good thing I don’t play music solely for the fame and attention. Cuz that last paragraph is prime example of how to be a c*nt to yer audience. Something Lars Ulrich has been doing for the past 18 years.

 

[Graeme1988]

Yeah, i barely enjoy anything at all these days. And i find it impossible to deeply relax. The two may be related.

:thinking: Possibly... I mean it hard to have fun if you're constantly feeling self-conscious or tense. Speaking for myself there, though.

Annoyingly, most folk judge on outer/shallow appearances, but they have NO IDEA what the HELL you're going thru with mental health.

Story of my life there, pretty much. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, that's now I'm selling that bass guitar that ah got my oldest sister cuz it's too big. Yet, that wus the first thing ah point out to her when she attempted to play it, but she insisted to me that it wus and she just need to get used to playing it. :kickingmyself:

If she'd just said to begin with then ah could've returned it for a refund and got her a bass more suited for her. mg:

 

[Graeme1988]

Well, my life is continuing to go to shit. Yay! :sad:

My auntie's had a stroke. My oldest sister continues to talk me into doing things and going places, then letting me down. We were supposed to get my room cleaned out before she went on holiday, but we didn't. And our mother is continuing to promise that she'll change her ways, but never bothers turning her words into action. And I'm f*ckin' sick of it ! :kickingmyself: Cannae cope with it anymair! :crying:

 

[LoyalXenite]

And our mother is continuing to promise that she'll change her ways, but never bothers turning her words into action. And I'm f*ckin' sick of it ! :kickingmyself: Cannae cope with it anymair! :crying:

its frustrating as all hell but some people just never change no matter how much they promise they will :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

F*ckin' knew ah wus right dreading how this week wus gonnae go. Cuz it kicked off exactly as I thought and expected...

YET ANOTHER F_CKIN' ARGUMENT! :kickingmyself:

its frustrating as all hell but some people just never change no matter how much they promise they will :sad:

Well, my mum's spouted tha same bull$%!T line of "Ah'll change, Graeme. Ah promise" for the past 2 years. Cuz that's what she told me when I was in hospital getting my orthopaedic surgery at the start of 2016. Batting her f*ckin' eyelashes n' smiles as she utters those words everytime, like she aw sweet n innocent and does no wrong. But, naw, she didnae bother her arse to even make an effort to even do that. :thumbdown: And that what pisses me off more than anything.

Besides, she seems to give my older sister and her grandchildren more consideration than she every does me. I don't even feel as though the family home is even mine anymore. Then again, that's how it's always been, even afore the grandchildren were around. I've just gave up and accept things as they are. Since it's obviously asking way too much of her, expecting my mother to change. :crying: And it'd be a waste of my time trying to forcing that to happen... Cuz my advice is rarely heeded anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-3OpqDsiK8

 

[Graeme1988]

Death cannae come quick enough for me... Though, ah cun only hope it'll be quick n' painless.
Since I've endure enough slow, prolonged pain in my life. Mental n' emotional, but still pain nonetheless. :sad:

 

[Graeme1988]

:kickingmyself: Why me? Why me?

Just got told by my mother that her and the oldest sister had a massive row this morning over our Mum's habitual, and compulsive habit of buying way too much when our grocery shopping. And how she ends up wasting money, cuz she buys stuff stores it away and forgets about it.

My oldest sister ended sitting in the bathroom crying. As my mother and more volatile sister did last year when they were arguing. But they to fail to realise that it should be me f*ckin' greeting n' blubbering about how "Ah cannae dae this anymair! Ah cannae f*ckin' take it, ah've hud enuff! F*ck tha f*ckin' lotta yous! F*ck off!!" :crying:

Well, you'd think, anyway. Since I'm perpetually miserable man-c*nt who's forced to put up with these emotional immature outbursts, every 2 to 3 days. And it says a lot about the state of parenting when your youngest wee 'un has more common sense and maturity than those who should be setting an example. I mean that in a bad way. I'm saying that as praise by any means.

Though, ah think that argument I had with my sister last year will be forever tattooed in my memory. Well, that and get served while under age at the bar during my cousin's wedding reception, aged 14. Why? Cuz of the one question I never got an answer to, which was...

"Are you just, like, total incapable o' resolving yer arguments like a mature adult? Cun naebuddy in this f*ckin' family dae that, bar me?" :veryangry:​

So, anyway... sorry to digress there. I've gave my mum an ultimatum - cuz this over-spending on shopping was one of the issue ah told he needed to change 2 years ago. Basically, if she continues on the way she's going, I've said I'll taking the first house offer to me and moving out. Even if I get an offer by the of this year.

And I won't be changing my mind on that. Cuz I'm paying a larger percent of the overall bills while currently still living with my mum... something she doesnae seem that bother about. :thumbdown: So, perhaps, me moving away will finally make her realise and appreciate that fact?

 

[Graeme1988]

Ah shouldnae huv got up early this morning...

Still tired, and it's only ten to nine. But then, huv'nae got my older sister or her kids paying a visit today. Thank f*ck!
Mind you, it's good to finally get back into something of a routine again. It's been awhile since I actually got up early enough to actually have breakfast. :bigsmile:

Though, I'm kinda nervous about finally uploading some of my music to this site (see pic below)

Mainly because I've been getting pestered about doing it by my oldest sister for over year now. :bigsmile: