Sorry to post but I'm feeling rather down following a visit from a cousin who is everything I'm not.
I am currently twenty years old and attended a small academic private all girls school where my story begins really.At the end of year eight a group of girls in my class started spreading rumours about me being a lesbian and having a crush on another girl in my class.I was already the overweight and shy child and found out after noticing the way people looked at me in the changing rooms and laughed. I had been at that school since I was seven and finally left in year 11.At the start I was so happy and that makes me sad thinking back to all those times.
The last three years were horrible.I felt isolated and very down and started self harming until I "gave up" two and a half years ago. I just couldn't trust anyone in my class anymore,everyone knew what the other girls were saying and they were supposed to be my friends, it felt like they had chosen the other girls rather then me because everything about me was wrong.
Two girls I see frequently at social gathers and who sort of want to be friends I guess, later told me that they didn't take part when other talked about me, but is that supposed to help? They didn't acknowledge anything then, it was like I didn't even matter. One of these girls had called and sent me an email to which I replyed in october but they still haven't gotten back to me.
I did confide in one teacher at my school who tried to help me and would take time out to talk to me; I thought she was someone I could trust.I undertsand she was a teacher but I did open up to her but I'm angry that someone who pretened to care about me could just forget me so easily.She has my email address and phone number but still hasn't contacted me since I last called her in 2009. I sort of found her to be unrealiable at times she didn't reply back to emails until after a month later or wouldn't text me back when she said she would.When she said she was busy I'd see her posting on facebook and I decided to try and forget about her because I didn't want to be dependent if that makes sense.
Yes time has passed but I feel this incident has coloured my life.My final grades suffered.Instead of gaining A*'s and A's that I was predicetd all I got was 4 A's and 7 B grades and 1 c. My self esteem was non existant. I couldn't even talk to people.Because I felt like s*** I hurt myself.I thought I was too dumb to get into a good college, so only applied to two.I was rejected by the most popular and ended up going to the worst college in the area, which I thought didn't matter after all it was the effort you put in that counted.The teachers didn't give a damn and couldn't do what they were paid to do. So I screwed up my life even more.I didn't have the overall grades to study medicine like I have wanted to since I was nine and am now in my first year of studying biomedical science which I don't even want to do.The only hope of getting to medicine, is if I get a first or seventy percent overall for my degree which takes three years to complete.That and beating of thousands of other applicants.
I was brilliant but I killed what I could have been. My parents have apparently wasted £60,000+ on my education and what for? I am angry at the pointless abyss my life has flourished in. Angry at the security and saftey I had at school being taken away from me. All I wanted when I was younger was just to have friends and feel like I belong, currently now I still have neither.
I was brought up to not be rude, to always be polite and helpful. I'm angry that I just sat back there and did nothing like I always do.
I am currently twenty years old and attended a small academic private all girls school where my story begins really.At the end of year eight a group of girls in my class started spreading rumours about me being a lesbian and having a crush on another girl in my class.I was already the overweight and shy child and found out after noticing the way people looked at me in the changing rooms and laughed. I had been at that school since I was seven and finally left in year 11.At the start I was so happy and that makes me sad thinking back to all those times.
The last three years were horrible.I felt isolated and very down and started self harming until I "gave up" two and a half years ago. I just couldn't trust anyone in my class anymore,everyone knew what the other girls were saying and they were supposed to be my friends, it felt like they had chosen the other girls rather then me because everything about me was wrong.
Two girls I see frequently at social gathers and who sort of want to be friends I guess, later told me that they didn't take part when other talked about me, but is that supposed to help? They didn't acknowledge anything then, it was like I didn't even matter. One of these girls had called and sent me an email to which I replyed in october but they still haven't gotten back to me.
I did confide in one teacher at my school who tried to help me and would take time out to talk to me; I thought she was someone I could trust.I undertsand she was a teacher but I did open up to her but I'm angry that someone who pretened to care about me could just forget me so easily.She has my email address and phone number but still hasn't contacted me since I last called her in 2009. I sort of found her to be unrealiable at times she didn't reply back to emails until after a month later or wouldn't text me back when she said she would.When she said she was busy I'd see her posting on facebook and I decided to try and forget about her because I didn't want to be dependent if that makes sense.
Yes time has passed but I feel this incident has coloured my life.My final grades suffered.Instead of gaining A*'s and A's that I was predicetd all I got was 4 A's and 7 B grades and 1 c. My self esteem was non existant. I couldn't even talk to people.Because I felt like s*** I hurt myself.I thought I was too dumb to get into a good college, so only applied to two.I was rejected by the most popular and ended up going to the worst college in the area, which I thought didn't matter after all it was the effort you put in that counted.The teachers didn't give a damn and couldn't do what they were paid to do. So I screwed up my life even more.I didn't have the overall grades to study medicine like I have wanted to since I was nine and am now in my first year of studying biomedical science which I don't even want to do.The only hope of getting to medicine, is if I get a first or seventy percent overall for my degree which takes three years to complete.That and beating of thousands of other applicants.
I was brilliant but I killed what I could have been. My parents have apparently wasted £60,000+ on my education and what for? I am angry at the pointless abyss my life has flourished in. Angry at the security and saftey I had at school being taken away from me. All I wanted when I was younger was just to have friends and feel like I belong, currently now I still have neither.
I was brought up to not be rude, to always be polite and helpful. I'm angry that I just sat back there and did nothing like I always do.
. The human animal can be so cruel to others.
