Never been able to connect to women

lifesnotfair

Well-known member
#1
Ever since a child, i have never been able to connect with people, or make eye contact with others. Its been a very difficult obsticle to deal with. In high school, I was always considered a geek or a nerd or someone who was made fun of by everyone, especially women. Whenever i tried to make an effort and step out of my boundaries to talk to a girl, she would shoot me down, and humiliate me. On top of it all, i have huge anxiety and depression issues on top of that. I have an understanding on why I was never successful with women. But why me though? I want affection just like everyone else, but why is it so difficult for me to make contact or date. Being as now i am 36 and never had a girlfriend, or even know how to interact with women like that because of the past. How does one get over it? Am i a writeoff? I am so socially awkward now that part of me wants to be with someone, but the other half doesn't want anything to do with society especially a relationship. I know its a contradiction, but in all my experiences its been disasters. But i don't want to lose hope either. Any thoughts or suggestions?
 
#2
I highly recommend learning to meditate. It solved my social anxiety. It might be hard to see the relationship, but you become able to relax by yourself. And in social interactions this is key. Just do it consistently. You can take a class online (hackself.org) or in person (tm.org). I do it for 10 mins a day, and cannot recognize my old shy self haha.
 
#4
Ever since a child, i have never been able to connect with people, or make eye contact with others. Its been a very difficult obsticle to deal with. In high school, I was always considered a geek or a nerd or someone who was made fun of by everyone, especially women. Whenever i tried to make an effort and step out of my boundaries to talk to a girl, she would shoot me down, and humiliate me. On top of it all, i have huge anxiety and depression issues on top of that. I have an understanding on why I was never successful with women. But why me though? I want affection just like everyone else, but why is it so difficult for me to make contact or date. Being as now i am 36 and never had a girlfriend, or even know how to interact with women like that because of the past. How does one get over it? Am i a writeoff? I am so socially awkward now that part of me wants to be with someone, but the other half doesn't want anything to do with society especially a relationship. I know its a contradiction, but in all my experiences its been disasters. But i don't want to lose hope either. Any thoughts or suggestions?
That's pretty much been exactly my life what you said. The only difference is i'm 10 years older than you.

Sounds like you have Aspergers, which i think i have. Or it could be just social anxiety.

Flirting & reading signs from women seem to be getting easier for me, although i'm too slow & insecure to take things further.
 
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#5
I can't talk to strangers, period, so by default that just includes women.

Years ago when I was seeing a therapist, I dated and even moved in with a girl, though.

Maybe if you get help with one it'll also fix the other.
 

lily

Well-known member
#6
You're not alone. (I don't like that 'You are not alone' slogan taken away from the title of socialphobiaworld.com) I have trouble w/ eye contact but I prayed to God that he'll lead me the right direction for my social anxiety/phobia to go away. good luck!
 
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Ransfordrowe

Well-known member
#8
Hi.I guess you could try dating some one who has anxiety issues too.I think there are websites that allows people with issues like depression,anxiety to meet up for dates etc.

Some people put women on a pedestal and making out to be almost mythical creatures.Women are just people with strengths and weaknesses like men.Worries,fears etc

I'm able to speak to women by seeing them as a person who maybe interesting to speak to.I don't wrap up my self worth in what women think of me.Im anxious by nature and have only had a couple of relationships and only with a lot of hard work so I'm no dating expert.But in my experience most women will not try to humiliate you if you treat them with respect.If they are not interested in dating then they will tell you without trying to hurt you.

It's important to not just see women as potential partners but also as people who you can be friends with.
 
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Bronson99

Well-known member
#9
For the OP, it sounds like you have mild autism, maybe?

What you write describes the problem of many autistic guys, very well... the desire is there, but the ability to acquire what you seek is delayed and terribly broken.

IMO, the problem you have is not the same faced by socially anxious men without autism; in which case the ability is there, it's just an extra hurdle to go through, to get over "painful shyness."

A difficulty with functionality, characterized by serious difficulty with work, independence, and/or social fluency, points to a developmental disorder rather than SA alone. It's when you have all these things together, the complexity of the situation becomes quite profound. (Understood this way, you can see why relationships/romance are so lacking with autistic men; they're screwed every which way.)

You have 2 ways to look at this. It seems MOST autistic men end up with self-loathing and painful insecurity about themselves. This is of course a "logical" result from comparing yourself to others, as well as societal standards for what a "man should be." The problem if you remain this way--always feeling inferior, hating yourself--you will repel everyone including women.

The other way is to stop thinking about "society's standards", stop comparing yourself, and most importantly learn to like yourself. Do NOT apologize for who you are. I've had some autistic men--even guys in their 30s who barely work, have a huge range of difficulties--tell me that THIS change in mindset was the most important thing. They were able to have relations with women just by improving their confidence and developing emotional intelligence. It's much easier said than done, of course.

Concluding, I'm basically "low functioning Asperger's" and have a choice to hate myself because I have "nothing that society says I should have, and no reliable ability to get it" for the rest of my life. Or I could try to improve my emotional outlook, which may be more important than "measuring up." If you can learn to socialize adequately and make women laugh, they're not going to screen you for job/money/social network first. You have a chance if you can do just those things.
 

PeterO

Well-known member
#10
I find it much easier to establish relationships online. (Even with the person I ended up marrying -- we met in person but then interacted entirely via email for like six months because we lived in different places, so that's how we got to know each other.) You seem thoughtful and fairly erudite, so perhaps you can "meet" women through online communities? Not dating sites per se, but forums similar to this, and see if anything grows?
 

lily

Well-known member
#11
For the OP, it sounds like you have mild autism, maybe?

What you write describes the problem of many autistic guys, very well... the desire is there, but the ability to acquire what you seek is delayed and terribly broken.

IMO, the problem you have is not the same faced by socially anxious men without autism; in which case the ability is there, it's just an extra hurdle to go through, to get over "painful shyness."

A difficulty with functionality, characterized by serious difficulty with work, independence, and/or social fluency, points to a developmental disorder rather than SA alone. It's when you have all these things together, the complexity of the situation becomes quite profound. (Understood this way, you can see why relationships/romance are so lacking with autistic men; they're screwed every which way.)

You have 2 ways to look at this. It seems MOST autistic men end up with self-loathing and painful insecurity about themselves. This is of course a "logical" result from comparing yourself to others, as well as societal standards for what a "man should be." The problem if you remain this way--always feeling inferior, hating yourself--you will repel everyone including women.

The other way is to stop thinking about "society's standards", stop comparing yourself, and most importantly learn to like yourself. Do NOT apologize for who you are. I've had some autistic men--even guys in their 30s who barely work, have a huge range of difficulties--tell me that THIS change in mindset was the most important thing. They were able to have relations with women just by improving their confidence and developing emotional intelligence. It's much easier said than done, of course.

Concluding, I'm basically "low functioning Asperger's" and have a choice to hate myself because I have "nothing that society says I should have, and no reliable ability to get it" for the rest of my life. Or I could try to improve my emotional outlook, which may be more important than "measuring up." If you can learn to socialize adequately and make women laugh, they're not going to screen you for job/money/social network first. You have a chance if you can do just those things.
It's not always true that in a relationship you cannot tell a woman that you're inconfident if they like you. If they're nice, you're able to share your insecurities together.
 
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Kiwong

Well-known member
#13
Perhaps you are trying to connect with the wrong women for the wrong reasons. I think most women are kind. The trouble is with women may find anxious behaviour unsettling and without good body language it is easý to push people away..
 

lily

Well-known member
#15
like lifesnotfair, I too want to be able to look people in the eyes and not have trouble or anxiety b/c of it. I find it wierd that bullying like arrogent/snobby people at a school and me not expressing myself fully then and was devastated can cause such a condition as not being able to do eye contact. If that wasn't there, I can work and get things I want and have friends.
 

lily

Well-known member
#16
How could all girls shoot you down and humiliate you, it's just the ones who you've spoken to like you've said so you're not a writeoff.
 

Bronson99

Well-known member
#17
It's not always true that in a relationship you cannot tell a woman that you're inconfident if they like you. If they're nice, you're able to share your insecurities together.
I agree this could be true sometimes. Sometimes a man can be insecure or lack confidence and still have relationships.

The problem however is compounded when you have trouble with functionality, if you "lag behind" in life and/or have some kind of disability. I assume the OP is in that position--I am, also. So, in such a case, you need to learn ways to deflect the "low status" problem. One of the best ways to do that is learn to accept oneself, learn to be more confident. Some women can look past "low-status" or disability if the guy seems balanced and fun to be around.

Anyway, I could go on with this a bit more, but I'm afraid that would get into more cynical territory. Trying to keep it "more positive" tonight.
 

lily

Well-known member
#18
I like nice guys. Ok so you're saying you're boring. it's about having similar interests! it's also about being mentally/emotionally connected. Ok I'd like to admit there'a more to it than that. I like mature guys. Ok there I said it but that's just my preference.
 
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