NEED HELP - Barely Left Home In Over 8 Years, Want To Start Therapy & Make Changes
my situation is pretty extreme - begininning in december of 2004 i began leaving my house less and less for an unknown reason (i did not plan on it). basically i would leave my house (to go for walks, that's all i did) about once a month throughout 2005. in 2006 i left the house about 5 times (once to see a nutritionist to see if changing my diet would help which it didn't). in 2007 i went out a grand total of 2 times. in 2008 ZERO times. in early november 2009 i began seeing a therapist for about 3 months but stopped going after i realized i couldn't open up with him. the rest of 2010 i went out maybe 7 or 8 times.
from february 2011-january 2012 i saw a therapist at a local mental health clinic basically because it was free. my dad had lost his job in mid-2010 so that eliminated his insurance which meant that any private therapist (i looked all of them up on psychologytoday) would be around $100+ per visit. so at this clinic my therapist was chosen for me unlike the previous time in 2009. while i liked her i again could not open up during visits and the main reason i went for 11 months was it gave me a motivation/incentive to get out of the house and often i would combine therapy with going to my parents for dinner or lunch. i also was receiving klonopin from this clinic which enabled me to leave the house in the first place because besides depression i have severe anxiety and a very short temper. it also helped me around the house where i also have anxiety but nowhere near as bad.
in january the psychiatrist wanted me to go on antidepressants (i had taken about 10 different medications from ages 14-18, none helped and only gave me bad side effects including INCREASED ANXIETY and other horrible things, the only ones that worked w/o bad side effects were benzos) which i made clear i didn't want to do and so i ceased going. so between january and now i have tried to go out every other week (i had leftover klonopin that i could use when i needed to leave the house) but all i do basically is walk to my parents house and return home within a few hours. now that this is going on for SO LONG even though i still have very low energy, anxiety issues, anger issues, etc. i want to try to change so i don't spend my entire 20's basically indoors (i'm 28 now and this issue started when i was 20).
what i'm worried about (another thing i do alot is worry and overthink things) is finding the right therapist since i don't think i could ever get better on my own (i'm too weak and have too many emotional issues and also way too much anger to exist in this current society as is). my question is is it okay when i call these therapists to ask them a few personal questions about themselves (once of course i explain to them why i'm asking them questions)? this is crucial because i want to see someone who i can trust, open up to, and has a similar personality/outlook on the world. like i mentioned earlier a big issue i have besides anxiety is anger and i would also identify as somewhat of a misanthrope. so when i make the phone calls i want to ask just a little about the therapist themselves (i understand i'm the one with the issues seeking help, but i need to see a certain type of person that can understand me and also agrees with me politically which is very important to me i.e. they can't be a conservative or libertarian since alot of my issues are very politically based).
what would be some advice on doing this, and is it something that other people seeking therapy sometimes do? just a little background on myself in case your wondering how i got into this hole (and i'm summarizing here because i realize how long this message has already gotten). i was bullied pretty severely from 11-15. many of the people who bullied me in middle school were actually former friends of mine (from about the ages of 6-11) who for some unknown reason turned on me and so i think that really damaged me in some way. i dropped out of HS and got my G.E.D the following year. i never made any friends in HS (it's a little complicated exactly why but let's just say alot of bad luck and bad circumstances in the HS i attended). i had 3 friends that i met in 6th grade and stayed friendly with until they started college. this is when i think my life started to decline because i didn't have ANY confidence whatsoever (and still basically don't although i am more assertive now) and didn't know how to make new friends.
after summer 2004 (when my friends started to focus more on their studies and new friends) is when i really lost contact with my 2 remaining friends (the other pretty much stopped hanging out with me when he started college) and then 4 months later is when i stopped going out. i never have had a girlfriend and only went on a few dates. i love animals and would consider myself to be more of an extrovert believe it or not. a big issue that i have is that i am a VERY sensitive person, and i think this could be the reason (according to my parents) why i was bullied so much in school because i pretty much dressed normal, looked normal, was not effeminate or anything, and i also liked to laugh and joke around, i was sort of a "class clown" type of person. i also have some quirks/minor OCD like i can't stand bright lights and loud noises (which is very bad since i live right next door to a family who never walks their rottweiler and he barks numerous times throughout the day which i think has only made me even more anxious and worsened my situation). i live in 1 of the 5 boros of NYC so i share a fence with my neighbor so the dog is RIGHT THERE when he's outside barking.
i live alone in the house i grew up in since early june 2008 when my parents couldn't take living with me any more and also my 97 yr old grandfathers health was declining in the previous months so they left to take care of him. he passed away in sept 2008 and they have lived there ever since, which is about 30 blocks away from me. they provide me with food, shelter, cable tv, and internet. all i do all day is watch tv and go online (i consider myself an "information addict" so i spend alot of time on wikipedia and other sites reading about numerous different topics). my younger sister moved out to go to college in 2006 and has lived on her own ever since. i rarely talk to her and the only people actually that i talk to on a regular basis are my parents.
i have no friends, no life, absolutely nothing. the ONLY reason that i haven't committed suicide already is that i'm too afraid (i'm not an atheist but agnostic). so what would you recommend to me to at least change my life somewhat? i just want to be able to go out of the house more at this point and have some kind of normalcy in my life, visit family for the holidays, go for walks daily, etc. things like a job and a girlfriend are very much down the line for me but i really don't want to continue living like this and i worry about what could happen in the future if i don't get better. any suggestions on how i should handle this predicament would be greatly appreciated since i have no clue as to what the right thing to do is.
my situation is pretty extreme - begininning in december of 2004 i began leaving my house less and less for an unknown reason (i did not plan on it). basically i would leave my house (to go for walks, that's all i did) about once a month throughout 2005. in 2006 i left the house about 5 times (once to see a nutritionist to see if changing my diet would help which it didn't). in 2007 i went out a grand total of 2 times. in 2008 ZERO times. in early november 2009 i began seeing a therapist for about 3 months but stopped going after i realized i couldn't open up with him. the rest of 2010 i went out maybe 7 or 8 times.
from february 2011-january 2012 i saw a therapist at a local mental health clinic basically because it was free. my dad had lost his job in mid-2010 so that eliminated his insurance which meant that any private therapist (i looked all of them up on psychologytoday) would be around $100+ per visit. so at this clinic my therapist was chosen for me unlike the previous time in 2009. while i liked her i again could not open up during visits and the main reason i went for 11 months was it gave me a motivation/incentive to get out of the house and often i would combine therapy with going to my parents for dinner or lunch. i also was receiving klonopin from this clinic which enabled me to leave the house in the first place because besides depression i have severe anxiety and a very short temper. it also helped me around the house where i also have anxiety but nowhere near as bad.
in january the psychiatrist wanted me to go on antidepressants (i had taken about 10 different medications from ages 14-18, none helped and only gave me bad side effects including INCREASED ANXIETY and other horrible things, the only ones that worked w/o bad side effects were benzos) which i made clear i didn't want to do and so i ceased going. so between january and now i have tried to go out every other week (i had leftover klonopin that i could use when i needed to leave the house) but all i do basically is walk to my parents house and return home within a few hours. now that this is going on for SO LONG even though i still have very low energy, anxiety issues, anger issues, etc. i want to try to change so i don't spend my entire 20's basically indoors (i'm 28 now and this issue started when i was 20).
what i'm worried about (another thing i do alot is worry and overthink things) is finding the right therapist since i don't think i could ever get better on my own (i'm too weak and have too many emotional issues and also way too much anger to exist in this current society as is). my question is is it okay when i call these therapists to ask them a few personal questions about themselves (once of course i explain to them why i'm asking them questions)? this is crucial because i want to see someone who i can trust, open up to, and has a similar personality/outlook on the world. like i mentioned earlier a big issue i have besides anxiety is anger and i would also identify as somewhat of a misanthrope. so when i make the phone calls i want to ask just a little about the therapist themselves (i understand i'm the one with the issues seeking help, but i need to see a certain type of person that can understand me and also agrees with me politically which is very important to me i.e. they can't be a conservative or libertarian since alot of my issues are very politically based).
what would be some advice on doing this, and is it something that other people seeking therapy sometimes do? just a little background on myself in case your wondering how i got into this hole (and i'm summarizing here because i realize how long this message has already gotten). i was bullied pretty severely from 11-15. many of the people who bullied me in middle school were actually former friends of mine (from about the ages of 6-11) who for some unknown reason turned on me and so i think that really damaged me in some way. i dropped out of HS and got my G.E.D the following year. i never made any friends in HS (it's a little complicated exactly why but let's just say alot of bad luck and bad circumstances in the HS i attended). i had 3 friends that i met in 6th grade and stayed friendly with until they started college. this is when i think my life started to decline because i didn't have ANY confidence whatsoever (and still basically don't although i am more assertive now) and didn't know how to make new friends.
after summer 2004 (when my friends started to focus more on their studies and new friends) is when i really lost contact with my 2 remaining friends (the other pretty much stopped hanging out with me when he started college) and then 4 months later is when i stopped going out. i never have had a girlfriend and only went on a few dates. i love animals and would consider myself to be more of an extrovert believe it or not. a big issue that i have is that i am a VERY sensitive person, and i think this could be the reason (according to my parents) why i was bullied so much in school because i pretty much dressed normal, looked normal, was not effeminate or anything, and i also liked to laugh and joke around, i was sort of a "class clown" type of person. i also have some quirks/minor OCD like i can't stand bright lights and loud noises (which is very bad since i live right next door to a family who never walks their rottweiler and he barks numerous times throughout the day which i think has only made me even more anxious and worsened my situation). i live in 1 of the 5 boros of NYC so i share a fence with my neighbor so the dog is RIGHT THERE when he's outside barking.
i live alone in the house i grew up in since early june 2008 when my parents couldn't take living with me any more and also my 97 yr old grandfathers health was declining in the previous months so they left to take care of him. he passed away in sept 2008 and they have lived there ever since, which is about 30 blocks away from me. they provide me with food, shelter, cable tv, and internet. all i do all day is watch tv and go online (i consider myself an "information addict" so i spend alot of time on wikipedia and other sites reading about numerous different topics). my younger sister moved out to go to college in 2006 and has lived on her own ever since. i rarely talk to her and the only people actually that i talk to on a regular basis are my parents.
i have no friends, no life, absolutely nothing. the ONLY reason that i haven't committed suicide already is that i'm too afraid (i'm not an atheist but agnostic). so what would you recommend to me to at least change my life somewhat? i just want to be able to go out of the house more at this point and have some kind of normalcy in my life, visit family for the holidays, go for walks daily, etc. things like a job and a girlfriend are very much down the line for me but i really don't want to continue living like this and i worry about what could happen in the future if i don't get better. any suggestions on how i should handle this predicament would be greatly appreciated since i have no clue as to what the right thing to do is.
I relate to a lot of what you wrote, except the politics bit. But I am about the same age as you and I have suffered about the same length of time as you, I'm recovering, I go out nearly everyday now.
