My horrible first experience with being friends with someone who has SA

[Zhuurst]

Hey guys,

I really need to vent about this, it's been nothing but non-stop drama for two months, it feels like forever. It's really not like me to talk openly about this sort of stuff but I'm just so upset.

Basically, I got in touch with a girl who has social anxiety on another website, it turned out we live very close to each other and she went to the same college I go to until she had to drop out due to SA. We got on perfectly and I helped her overcome her fear of talking on the phone very quickly!

She wanted to talk all the time, on Facebook, on the phone, I said sure because I wanted to be there for her. I get attached to people really easily and unfortunately this happened here.

She didn't tell me she was ''emotionally invested'' with another guy who has depression that lives in New Zealand (we are in London) till we got close. She couldn't make up her mind whether I was her boyfriend or just a friend, whether he was or if he was just her friend. She lead both of us on until she said she wants to be with me. I said fine, I support you whatever you're decision is. Keep in mind I had no idea that she was ''taken'' before we got close. I wasn't even looking for a relationship, I messaged anyone I could find and she was the only one who responded.

Few days later, I get a wall of text on Facebook saying she can't do it to the other guy and that she just wants to be friends. I was angry naturally, but I forgave her and said we can be friends, that's fine.

Then he starts making her stop talking with me and stop meeting with me (I met her once, it was a great experience which makes this all the more hurtful). Now it's finally came to the point where she says we can't be friends any more because her boyfriend doesn't want me anywhere near her, then she blocks me on Facebook.

Today has been one of the worst days I've probably experienced in a long time, all I wanted was to make some friends to relate to who also had social anxiety. I don't know how long it'll take for me to get over her but it hurts a lot.

Thanks for even bothering to read this if you did.

 

[EasySkanking]

lol... I'ts not a good idea to get involve with other people with issues. I tried making friends with people with social anxiety, and boy are they an unfriendly bunch and get offended easily. I have social anxiety too, so I can relate... though I've become more aware over the years and don't do alot of the silly things I used to do. Still, people with issues are hard to get along with (myself included.)

 

[Zhuurst]

I'ts not a good idea to get involve with other people with issues.

Hmm it seems that way doesn't it? I just thought it would be a good idea to have someone who knows what it's like, who can understand and relate. Maybe this was just a one off, don't know really. The icing on the cake is that apparently I'm ''needy'' when she was the one who wanted to talk 24/7...

 

[OceanMist]

This story is a very common one for a lot of guys. Something you may need to understand is that there are two types of people in the dating world, people who believe in "open dating" and people who believe in "closed dating."

Your friend there is an "open dater" as in she doesn't see anything wrong with keeping her options open and investing time in multiple guys (even if it's just 2 guys). It's nothing against you, it's just a way to date and many people, both men and women do it.

I could go on about this for a while but long story short rejection is a huge part of dating, especially for guys like me with SA. Women can be very flaky, and many of them will leave a guy without so much as a valid reason.

You have to realize, most women are pursued by men throughout their everyday lives. When they have this many options it can be tough to stick to one guy. It's nothing against you, heck, maybe she even made a bad decision by choosing that other guy.

All i can tell you is it wasn't meant to be imo. A lot of the guys that are best at getting dates are the ones that can pick themselves up after rejection and find that next girl.

As Paul Janka put it, not putting much emotion into it can help, as messed up as that sounds.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

This could have happened just as easily with someone who doesn't have SA.

Having SA doesn't mean we're all comrades. It just means we have one particular thing in common. Sort of like hating liquorice.

I have yet to meet anyone who wasn't substantially screwed up in the head in some way or other.

Most attempts at relationships end badly. It's just how it goes.

 

[Bronson99]

lol... I'ts not a good idea to get involve with other people with issues. I tried making friends with people with social anxiety, and boy are they an unfriendly bunch and get offended easily. I have social anxiety too, so I can relate... though I've become more aware over the years and don't do alot of the silly things I used to do. Still, people with issues are hard to get along with (myself included.)

Kind of a contradictory statement...?

 

[Hellhound]

The icing on the cake is that apparently I'm ''needy'' when she was the one who wanted to talk 24/7...

That is called projecting.

I have yet to meet anyone who wasn't substantially screwed up in the head in some way or other.

Haha, that's never going to happen. Everyone is screwed up in the head to an extent :bigsmile:

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Don't you think she made the whole thing so complicated that it would have been difficult to keep it as a simple friendship while she's dating that other guy anyway?

 

[Stig23]

I wouldn't say she was flakey because she has SA, it sounds like she was keeping her options open and was confused as to what she wanted. Or when she started talking to you she was in a good place, feeling great and excited that she had found someone to talk to and who understood her, but then things in her head started closing down and she started feeling a little panicky, maybe she questioned herself about what she could bring to the relationship or something, and that was her way of backing out of talking to you.
Or maybe I'm thinking a little too deeply and it was none of that. I'm sorry she left you feeling hurt and confused about her behaviour, but just know that it is not just people with SA that act like that.

 

[Argentum]

Sorry there's been so much drama. I was able to put a stop to a lot of it by putting my foot down immediately. No benefit of the doubt, no yielding to demands, and no second chances unless I know someone well enough to say that it's just not like them to be that way.

You do need to be particularly careful around people with mental health struggles, but there are many who know how to mange themselves enough to not take it out on those around them. I agree that it sounds like more than just SA, though.

 

[BlueDays]

This could have happened just as easily with someone who doesn't have SA.

^Exactly.:thumbup:

Everyone is screwed up in the head to an extent :bigsmile:

^Yep. It's just a different kind of messed-up-edness for different people.

Don't you think she made the whole thing so complicated that it would have been difficult to keep it as a simple friendship while she's dating that other guy anyway?

^I agree with this too.

You could take this as learning experience and think twice about the situation next time? If you ever should get into a close bond with a girl again who has told you that she is holding you and another guy in competition in her mind. Not worth being in that situation usually, imo.

 

[skins]

While I feel your pain of what happened...dont you think it was a bit premature for you both to be speculating if you were a couple or not after only one visit in real life? What im saying is nothing much lost as nothing much was gained in the first place...maybe she just liked the online you but meeting people in real life can be a different story.

 

[Alienated]

I was just in a 5 month relationship with a SA too, she lived with me. WOW.. hard to get along with not really, but very frustrating.. I believe in communication being the most important thing, but she couldn't tell me anything. I have no regrets, but I feel totally empty and wiped out. I will not have another relationship, I'm too old now... It was my last hope, and left shreaded and very hurt..

People are so cold anymore, the meaning of love has been lost.. The disillusionment hurts the worst....

 

[skins]

I was just in a 5 month relationship with a SA too, she lived with me. WOW.. hard to get along with not really, but very frustrating.. I believe in communication being the most important thing, but she couldn't tell me anything. I have no regrets, but I feel totally empty and wiped out. I will not have another relationship, I'm too old now... It was my last hope, and left shreaded and very hurt..

People are so cold anymore, the meaning of love has been lost.. The disillusionment hurts the worst....

can i ask how old you are? and do you think her anxiety was extreme or mild? i imagine it would be difficult for two people with SA to date, let alone live together.

 

[Alienated]

can i ask how old you are? and do you think her anxiety was extreme or mild? i imagine it would be difficult for two people with SA to date, let alone live together.

Well long story, and not only was she severe SA, but many other things. I have recoved from social anxiety and was trying to help her.. I am quite a bit older than her.. like father age, but she liked that. The only problem was the relative thinking crap people have learned.. That there is not Absolute truth.. But there is... And taking personal responsibility is a major part of that to recover from anything, including our own fears.

The living situation she was in was life threatening, and I offered her a escape. We didn't expect it to get intimate, but it did. And that's what hurts, that was my last go around. I hope I taught her enough new coping methods to make a change, but she missed her family.... I understand her reason for going back, but her skills are way under delevoped and I fear for her. She is college age, with 4th grade emotional coping skills.

So prognosis is not good, but only time will tell. She lead me on for awhile, but the real her started coming out.. She painted herself as so desperate in the beginning, but a cold, uncaring, dictator, that cut herself up when she didn't get her way... She scared the HELL out of me. I am too old for this crap !! 21 years without a relationship, now that I have had one... I am not doing that again. PEOPLE ARE CRAZY anymore.

 

[Zhuurst]

Thanks for the replies, I miss her

I hope she gets in touch again sometime. For now it's back to social isolation, I guess.

 

[Predacon]

That's a tough break it sounds like a complicated situation. Maybe the two of you were getting too close and she freaked out unable to cope with the potential intimacy of the situation and going with the more non threatening option of a boyfriend she is unlikely to meet in person anytime soon.

 

[Zhuurst]

I called her something I shouldn't have on one of the social media sites she didn't block me on. I just snapped when I saw she didn't even seem to care about what happened. Both of them act as if I don't even exist any more!

I should have remembered that even though what she did was cold, she had a tough time herself with anxiety and depression. If she sees this, I'm sorry.