Hi everybody. I am a new user. First post actually. I am a 28 y/o female with self diagnosed avoidant personality disorder and bipolar-II. I'm doing fairly well right now and wanted to share my story with you guys. It's fairly long, kinda depressing, but ends on an upbeat note.
So, I guess the best place to start is the begining. I was always different from everybody else. Looking back on photos of myself when I was very young, too young to remember even, I would never be smiling, never look directly at the camera and always be clutching my hands together in what I have come to call my anguish grip lol. One of my earliest memories is of being at the beach, playing in the sand, wanting to make a sand castle. But i couldn't. Because I just KNEW everybody was staring at me and judging me and would laugh when I screwed up my sand castle. Yeah. Pretty messed up already. And I was maybe 3 or 4 years old at the time.
When I started school things got even worse. Until then I didn't actually know I was different. But once I started school, my classmates made sure I knew. Not just was I different due to my own intrinsic problems, but I was poor too. Too poor for decent clothes. Too poor for soap or toothpaste even. My nickname from day one until the very last day was "stinky". I truly don't think many of my classmates ever actually knew my real name!
To top everything off, my mother made my life a living hell at home as well. Not really her fault, she did the best she could, but she has her own issues. She never hit me or abused me in any type of physical form. But the emotional abuse and neglect was almost too much to bear. It was a regular occurence to hear her tell me how rotten I am, how I am never going to succeed, how nobody will ever love me, how she should have listened to my father and aborted me, and even worse things.
I made a suicide attempt at 9 years old. I have never told anyone that before. I took a whole bunch of pills, but they wouldn't stay down. Nothing seriouse came of it, so no one, not even my mother knew.
At 16 I dropped out of school. I couldn't deal with the torture I was enduring there. That choice, while it has set me back in some regards, may have saved my life. I got a job, saved up my money and moved out when I turned 18. I got my GED, continued working and started a community college.
The next several years were hard, but not as hard as the first 18. I delt with many ups and downs. Some really serious downs. I didn't know how to connect or interact with people. I felt very alone. Always felt alone. But was way too scared to do anything to change that. I don't think I even knew how to do anything to change it.
I had always wanted to be a doctor. Even after dropping out of school, that was still what I wanted to do. And, somehow, I still don't know how, I got accepted into medical school a little over 3 years ago. Not an US school, didn't even bother applying to any US schools cause I knew they wouldn't even look at me. But a carribean school. Second rate yes, third world country for 2 years yes, but accepted as a legit school by all US hospitals.
It was about a year into classes when I first heard of avoidant personality disorder. I was shocked. It fit me perfectly. Up until then I had always thought that my avoidance was a good thing. That it was a coping mechanism. That it was what let me be able to survive. It wasn't until that moment that I figured out it was at the very core of my problems. It wasn't until that moment I held any chance of being able to get better.
The last two years I have struggled to battle my avpd. It has been really hard. I'm not seeing a therapist, kinda doing my own internal CBT if you will lol. But, I have had an amazing amount of improvement. I have even managed to make a few friends. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. To feel as deserving as the next person.
My greatest improvement came very recently. And, interestingly enough, it came as a result of my bipolar. Up until recently I had not had any manic/hypomanic episodes. Only depressed episodes. Which it turns out is common in type II to not have the first manic episode until mid/late 20's.
Well a few months ago I had my first hypomanic episode. I felt on top of the world. And I felt completly comfortable with just being me. For the first time ever, completely comfortable. It was amazing. But, what was even more amazing, people liked me when I was me. All this time I had been hiding me, terrified people would hate me or at least not care at all about me. And all of a sudden people actually like me. It was an eye opener.
The episode only lasted a few days. But the realization has stayed. And has changed me. Well, no, it hasn't changed me, it has freed me. It hasn't been easy to remove that censor between my mind and my actual words and actions. But it is getting easier each day. And each day the positive reinforcement I am getting makes the next day a little bit easier.
Well, umm, I guess that pretty much sums up my story! I told you it would be long! But, I hope it can help somebody. I hope that whoever is reading this understands that it isn't YOU that is holding you back, that is different from others, that has a hard time in social interactions, etc. It is the LACK of you. It is that freakin censor upstairs that stops us from being who we really are. And I know how hard it is to turn that censor off. Trust me I now. And I still have to actually work at it. It doesn't come natural yet. But I know it will one day. And thats enough to get me through for now.
So, I guess the best place to start is the begining. I was always different from everybody else. Looking back on photos of myself when I was very young, too young to remember even, I would never be smiling, never look directly at the camera and always be clutching my hands together in what I have come to call my anguish grip lol. One of my earliest memories is of being at the beach, playing in the sand, wanting to make a sand castle. But i couldn't. Because I just KNEW everybody was staring at me and judging me and would laugh when I screwed up my sand castle. Yeah. Pretty messed up already. And I was maybe 3 or 4 years old at the time.
When I started school things got even worse. Until then I didn't actually know I was different. But once I started school, my classmates made sure I knew. Not just was I different due to my own intrinsic problems, but I was poor too. Too poor for decent clothes. Too poor for soap or toothpaste even. My nickname from day one until the very last day was "stinky". I truly don't think many of my classmates ever actually knew my real name!
To top everything off, my mother made my life a living hell at home as well. Not really her fault, she did the best she could, but she has her own issues. She never hit me or abused me in any type of physical form. But the emotional abuse and neglect was almost too much to bear. It was a regular occurence to hear her tell me how rotten I am, how I am never going to succeed, how nobody will ever love me, how she should have listened to my father and aborted me, and even worse things.
I made a suicide attempt at 9 years old. I have never told anyone that before. I took a whole bunch of pills, but they wouldn't stay down. Nothing seriouse came of it, so no one, not even my mother knew.
At 16 I dropped out of school. I couldn't deal with the torture I was enduring there. That choice, while it has set me back in some regards, may have saved my life. I got a job, saved up my money and moved out when I turned 18. I got my GED, continued working and started a community college.
The next several years were hard, but not as hard as the first 18. I delt with many ups and downs. Some really serious downs. I didn't know how to connect or interact with people. I felt very alone. Always felt alone. But was way too scared to do anything to change that. I don't think I even knew how to do anything to change it.
I had always wanted to be a doctor. Even after dropping out of school, that was still what I wanted to do. And, somehow, I still don't know how, I got accepted into medical school a little over 3 years ago. Not an US school, didn't even bother applying to any US schools cause I knew they wouldn't even look at me. But a carribean school. Second rate yes, third world country for 2 years yes, but accepted as a legit school by all US hospitals.
It was about a year into classes when I first heard of avoidant personality disorder. I was shocked. It fit me perfectly. Up until then I had always thought that my avoidance was a good thing. That it was a coping mechanism. That it was what let me be able to survive. It wasn't until that moment that I figured out it was at the very core of my problems. It wasn't until that moment I held any chance of being able to get better.
The last two years I have struggled to battle my avpd. It has been really hard. I'm not seeing a therapist, kinda doing my own internal CBT if you will lol. But, I have had an amazing amount of improvement. I have even managed to make a few friends. I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. To feel as deserving as the next person.
My greatest improvement came very recently. And, interestingly enough, it came as a result of my bipolar. Up until recently I had not had any manic/hypomanic episodes. Only depressed episodes. Which it turns out is common in type II to not have the first manic episode until mid/late 20's.
Well a few months ago I had my first hypomanic episode. I felt on top of the world. And I felt completly comfortable with just being me. For the first time ever, completely comfortable. It was amazing. But, what was even more amazing, people liked me when I was me. All this time I had been hiding me, terrified people would hate me or at least not care at all about me. And all of a sudden people actually like me. It was an eye opener.
The episode only lasted a few days. But the realization has stayed. And has changed me. Well, no, it hasn't changed me, it has freed me. It hasn't been easy to remove that censor between my mind and my actual words and actions. But it is getting easier each day. And each day the positive reinforcement I am getting makes the next day a little bit easier.
Well, umm, I guess that pretty much sums up my story! I told you it would be long! But, I hope it can help somebody. I hope that whoever is reading this understands that it isn't YOU that is holding you back, that is different from others, that has a hard time in social interactions, etc. It is the LACK of you. It is that freakin censor upstairs that stops us from being who we really are. And I know how hard it is to turn that censor off. Trust me I now. And I still have to actually work at it. It doesn't come natural yet. But I know it will one day. And thats enough to get me through for now.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It is so nice to hear that after going through all you went through you are doing better and moving on with your life. 
