murderous thoughts

[VioletTears]

Thoughts, I don't really know where your desire is coming from... I do think it's important to figure out in order to heal though... and I think the fact that you're reaching out says that part of you really doesn't want to do this. I think it's really brave to admit you're struggling with this given the high possibility for judgement and criticism. And I'm assuming you're here at least in part because there probably aren't really forums out there for people with this specific problem.

When my sister was a teenager she had a close friend whose little brother (I think he was only 14 or so) ax murdered his family... My sister's friend wasn't around, but he had killed his parents and his little sister. My sister was 10 yrs older than me so I was really little at the time, but I remember her telling me that he had written her letters/poetry from prisson about how sad he was... I think it was a huge moment of realization for me and I don't think I'll ever forget that conversation... I think that people can do the most horrible acts and still, somewhere inside, they have good in them... I mean, we all start out as babies, we all start out totally innocent, and somehow, somewhere, some of our lives take the wrong turn... The brain is a powerful thing, and sometimes it fills us with thoughts that we wish we could just force away, but they are so much bigger than us... I think most of us can relate to that much.

I think maybe you need to go back to the beggining, the first time you ever felt the urge, and try to remember anything stressful that was going on in your life at the time, how you were feeling, anything that might have precipitated it... And possibly you might need to go back even further. You mentioned that your parents didn't believe you when you were halucinating. That might have created feelings of powerlessness at the time or a sense of desperation of needing to be heard and understood.

BTW, some people here create multiple accounts as a way of getting around the posting limmit... So thoughts1, thoughts2, etc.

 

[Marie_knowsbest]

i would say its important not to go back over stuff in your head on ya own. because if you are inclined to this train of throught, i think u will actualy contribute more bad thoughts to the ones u currently have if you go back over them, rather than 'work them out'.

i would see a psychoanalyst who can work through these thoughts with you, because i dont believe ur problem is cognitive i believe its a sub-conscience force.

also not being religous myself, i can see why religion would help you, if you can find something in it that is. some of the darkest people are healed with faith because it gives them morals and guidlines to work within that maybe they themselves could not find without religion.

if you were psychotic as such, you wouldnt see a problem in these murderess thoughts, therefore u would not be posting for help, you would think it was normal if you were psychotic. which is why i say is a subconceince force that brings about these thoughts.

hope that helped u see a way foward some how.

 

[thoughts2]

iv seen 5 people die in front of me when i was little one his wife put rat poison in his drink and he just died right in front of me when i was in his house second time a son got mad at his dad a took a pump shot gun to his head and blow his brains out while i watched third time was a bike crash on the highway 4th time was my preacher he died of old age r i p and the fith time was the worse time a girl got hit by a car and was slamed in to a poll and the inpack was so hard her head poped open like a grape and it was so close to me blood splattered on the car but the thing was i showed no emotion to the last one becouse i was so use to seeing death blood or death just dosent bother me anymore i know i dont want to do it tho but the 5th one hurt me the worse not b/c the girl died but b/c my mom saw how emotinalis i was towrds it and the way she looked at me was so heart crushing i couldent stand it. all these deaths happend befor i even turned 14

 

[VioletTears]

Well, my first thought as I started reading your last post was that you might have started "identifying with the aggressor." I don't know if that's something that's familiar to your whether it makes sense to you... I work in a therapeutic preschool and we have many kids who, well, easy example... Dad beats mom. 3-yr-old comes to school and starts going into rages and behaving violently towards children and teachers. He acts just like dad. Why? Well, again, it's a lot about power... If you're a little kid and feeling scared would you rather identify yourself with the scared, vulnerable person huddled in the corner, or with the strong one, the one who has the control... I'm wondering if maybe death became so traumatic for you that you disociated yourself from the people who were dying, who you didn't want to be like, and began associating yourself with the strong one... the one who had power over death. Does that make sense? Have you talked about this in therapy?

 

[Marie_knowsbestt]

yeh violet tears that is an excallant reply!! sorta goes with what i was saying, because all that functions on a subconsceince level, i would really advice you to see a psychoanylist, i think they could really help you get some insight into this. and maybe do some free association with you. even hypnotheropy.
good luck to you thoughts, im really hurt by your post that you had to see all that at such a young age, no one should have to go through that. but there can be some light for you, if you go in the right direction. because ur a good person at heart, who just grew up to fast.
all the best to ya xx

 

[thoughts2]

that makes alot of seens realy i can easly see that happening but i need to find a new theropyst who deals with violent stuff like this for ocd people but finding an ocd guy like that is going to be very hard seens my kind is so rare

 

[sabbath92002]

Have you tried Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)?

www.thehappinesstrap.com

 

[VioletTears]

Thoughts, while I think it would be ideal to have someone who specializes in such things, it might not be realistic. You could certainly try asking your current therapist for a referral, or you could try making some phone calls. Perhaps a criminal treatment center or something along that lines would be able to reffer you to someone who works within their facility but maybe does outside work as well... I'm not entirely sure that would be an appropriate fit, either, but someone like that might have something to offer. Anyways, I'm sort of reaching for straws...

It doesn't sound as if your current therapist has been helpful. I think what you need, even if you can't find a specialist, is someone who 1) You connect with... It's really hard to heal if you aren't able to do so within the context of a trusting relationship... and 2) you need someone who is inteligent and hard working, so even if they don't have the answers initially, they will be able to find them.

Please don't give up. I think that this is really a very normal response to all the trauma that you went through... The trauma its self was NOT normal, but that's something you had no control over. I'm just saying, this doesn't make you a freak or anything, any of us could have easily ended up the same way if we had to go through so many horrible experiences when we were children.

Keep fighting, you will get through this, it's just going to take a lot of work, but look how much you have gone through already... and you survived. Now it's time to start healing. (((HUGS)))

 

[thoughts2]

VioletTears thx so much for the post u have no idea how happy it made me. even if i cant compare to anyone on the same level as me i can still have support from people thx so much=)

 

[terrified]

Melatonin Sublingual helps with Sleep

Hi thoughts2,

I agree with other posts that you need someone to help you get through this. It must be very scary and lonely for you at such a young age. I'm very sorry about all the awful things that you had to see and go through when you were only a child.

One thing I want to add is that not able to sleep really messes up your brain. Part of the problem sounds like you not able to sleep well.

I use Melatonin Sublingual from health food store, whole food, or GNC. I take 2-6 ml. However, some people need a lot more like 20 ml or more. I like this because it doesn't have side effect like sleeping pills.

 

[thoughts]

somthing happend tonight. i got in a fight with my parents and i took off in my car im just driving around trying to blow off steam i was at a red light and then i hit me like it has never done it befor my thoughts hit me so strong much much stronger than it has ever befor i whent insain was beating my wheel had to pull over was covering myface with my hands and squeezing m face as hard as i could trying to snap my self out of it. was scratching my arms till they terned red was shaking and i wanted to kill so badly so damn badly like i have never befor all i wanted to do was tast blood in my mouth and kill someone. and its neer lasted that long befor. thankfuly i was alone in my car and FAR away from anyone but this time was diffrant than all the other times this time im pritty sure if someone was in the car with my i would have hurt them badly or if anyone was around me. im scared as hell right now im realy scared i might snap now out of no where. what if i hurt someone that i love=( what will happend to me? im to scared to be around anyone right now i finaly snaped out of it when one of my friends called me she was having a realy bad night and could tell somthing was wrong with me b/c i was breathing hard and the way my voice sounded i didnt tell her what was wrong i just made up somthing we talked for a while till i was calmed down all the way and till she was felling better to

 

[sabbath92002]

i wanted to kill so badly so damn badly like i have never befor all i wanted to do was tast blood in my mouth and kill someone. and its neer lasted that long befor. thankfuly i was alone in my car and FAR away from anyone

A car is a perfect killing machine, if you really wanted to kill someone then just a flick of the wrist on the steering wheel and it would be done. Stop listening to the crap going on in your head. Connect with your values and start moving in that direction. Life is too short to spend it inside your brain, playing with your thoughts. Who cares what your thoughts are, what are your values?

Apparently your values aren't killing people, but helping people. Your friend called and needed your help, you didn't kill her, you helped her. When you follow your values and not your thoughts and feelings, you will lead a richer, fuller life.

 

[Elad]

what happened to this guy? :/

I hope he didnt actually eat anyone

 

[frogger]

damn, that sucks. I doubt he ate someone if the thoughts caused him that much pain. I actually suffered from similar violent intrusive thoughts in the past but overcame them, and have a new obsession.

 

[Dronee]

I think you need help from real specialists because your condition seems like a very serious one from what you've described.

 

[mrb]

hmmmmmm i think ill walk thanks anyway

 

[Luke1993]

hmm it was two years ago he posted that. I wonder how he is now...?

 

[garry29]

Ye, I hope he's not in jail.

 

[mrb]

i just hope hes sorted his problems out to be honest ......

 

[LadyWench]

The real and only true remedy for your situation lies in reading the Bible and ultimately asking Jesus Christ to free you.

Evil actions know no bounds, so I believe a human does and will have such thoughts - so if what you are saying is true, know this: there have been millions who have been freed from such demonic thoughts like that.

The Bible says that Satan is like a lion looking for people who he can devour! Satan will not be satisfied with you just having thoughts like that, he wants you to go through with every single one of them.

If you are truly looking for freedom from such an evil mindset, then why not look to God? Why not allow yourself to reach your hand out to Christ before you go off the deep end? There is no reason to not turn to Jesus, because otherwise you will only perish.

Without God, what will your goal be? To simply get through life without actually hurting someone? No, you need and deserve more than that. There is nothing too great for Christ to free you from. He has overcome the world and died in place of our sins. Jesus Christ is the bondage breaker.

If you are truly looking for peace, then read the Bible, get on your knees and cry out to Jesus Christ for help. If you do, then there is nothing except freedom and hope that will be in your path.

It's all possible only in Christ.

Wow, that's f*cked up. Normally I would be rational and mature about this, but I just can't this time. This guy has a serious issue and needs REAL help. Not your fairy tale bull. Seriously, keep this to yourself. Don't try and "save" the vulnerable. That's pathetic and weak of you.

You're telling him to look to the Bible for peace? Here, this might help:

Ezekiel 9:6
Slaughter old men, young men and maidens, women and children, but do not touch anyone who has the mark. Begin at my sanctuary." So they began with the elders who were in front of the temple.

Isaiah 13:16
Their infants will be dashed to pieces before their eyes; their houses will be looted and their wives ravished.

Leviticus 20:13
If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.

Deuteronomy 13:15
You must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock.

Exodus 32:27
Then he said to them, "This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: 'Each man strap a sword to his side. Go back and forth through the camp from one end to the other, each killing his brother and friend and neighbor.' "

Deuteronomy 21:10-12
When you go to war against your enemies and the LORD your God delivers them into your hands and you take captives, if you notice among the captives a beautiful woman and are attracted to her, you may take her as your wife. Bring her into your home and have her shave her head, pare her nails.

Exodus 31:15
For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day is a Sabbath of rest, holy to the LORD. Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death.

Numbers 31:17
Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.

Should I go on? I'm not even going to bother looking up others. You think this guy should refer to the Bible to NOT want to kill someone? Please. Looks like you need to pick up your religious text and give it a re-read.