murderous thoughts

[thoughts]

ill start this off by saying this is my first time to do this online. i have a rare OCD disorder that's a little dangerous to myself and those around me. iv seen five doctors so far to see if they could help me and so far they have all made it worse or did nothing to it. i have been thro thousands of dollors in meds and appointments all for nothing i have almost been forced to live in a sycotic ward even but was dismissed at the last second thanks to my parents. due to what i have it has all so made me in to an insomniac because it scares me in to not sleeping at nights. this is what i have. at any given moment at any given time during the day i will have a sudden urge to kill anyone and everyone around me it doesn't matter if i know them or not family friend or stranger who ever is closest to me at the time of the thoughts but not just kill them but to do it in a way that it would make them suffer and after they die i want to eat them. i have these thoughts 2 to 6 times a day. sadly the thought have been getting stronger and happening more times a day and they last longer now. and i find my self to start playing with the thing i want to kill the person with. i cant sleep at nights because i have nightmares every night about killing people hunting them down and then eating them when there alive. i scream allot during my sleep the rare times that i do sleep i sleep every other night for 2 hrs I'm to scared to sleep anymore. i don't know what to do anymore i cant seem to cure these on my own can someone please help me or is someone out there like me? I'm 19 years old and I'm in collage. ps sorry for spelling and grammer there not my strong points im begging for help plz someone any lil tip would help somthing nothing is to small at this point i need help badly

 

[Psychedelicious]

H m

 

[thoughts]

im not making this up this isnt somthing to be made fun of this si somthign that has been hounting me seens i was 7. i was first put on a stimulate med for my adhd and then thats when all hell broke lose. i started to see and hear things that arnt there. it never started out with the thoughts it started out with bodys randomly falling from the sky. my mom nor dad never belived me and started crushing my pills in drinks so i wouldent notice it till finaly a few years ago they belived me but the dmg has been done for over 10 years i had to whetness horrrible things that wernt there iv basicly grew up scared for my life

 

[thoughts]

if anyone can help me out and tell me were i can go for this help that would be great

 

[Psychedelicious]

I didn't think you were making it up, just saying it is something that is hard to believe. I do havever think you're telling the truth though, sorry if I didn't make that clear.I'm sorry If what I said was wrong or something, was only trying to help. It actually took me a very long time to make that post. Do you have any other disorders? Because it could be a chemical imbalance.

 

[thoughts]

no no i thank u for the long post. but i havent had a brain scane or anything yet my current doc says he knows of only one other person like me but hes to scared to let us meet. all he has told me is that i have a slight chimical imballance

 

[VioletTears]

So are you actually wanting to do these things or are you affraid of doing them even though you don't want to?

I have had somewhat similar experiences although not to the same degree. When my son was younger I read an article about a mom killing her baby... I looked down at my tiny son sleeping in my arms, trying to comprehend how a mom could take her child's life... and then I imagined doing the same... and once the thought came into my head it kept coming back. It's like I KNEW I didn't want to do it and the thought terrified me but I couldn't understand why I would THINK such things and worried that maybe the fact that the thought kept coming into my head meant that part of me did want to do it. Well, I ended up reading about pure OCD, and somehow just reading about it helped me a lot... One thing I read was that normal people will have bad thoughts, too... Like they might envission themselves killing their baby after reading such an article, but because they know they wouldn't do it, they let the thought go... People with pure OCD think, I had this thought, this proves that I must be a horrible person, why would I think this if part of me didn't want to do it... So it's sort of linked with low self esteem, which made a lot of sense to me... Also, the other thing I read is that we obsess over these thoughts BECAUSE it upsets us... Like if I told you, "DON'T think about pink elephants" you would automatically think about pink elephants... Because we tell ourselves NOT to think those thoughts we obsess over them. I used to also obsess that I would step on the gas as someone was crossing the street, or steer my car over a cliff or things like that... Like my body would act in horrible ways even though mentally I didn't want to do those things.

Anyways, if this all sounds familiar to you, from what I read people with pure OCD really AREN'T at risk for really doing these things, we really just think these thoughts BECAUSE we keep trying not to think about them... The harder we try not to think a thought the more we will think about it. I would be more concerned if you get pleasure out of the thoughts, I guess.

 

[thoughts]

i understande what u mean by pure OCD and i wish i could just lye and say that the thoughts mean nothing to me but when i have them i want to do it badly very badly but a small part of me hold it back its like a diffrent person takes over

 

[youareimportant]

The real and only true remedy for your situation lies in reading the Bible and ultimately asking Jesus Christ to free you.

Evil actions know no bounds, so I believe a human does and will have such thoughts - so if what you are saying is true, know this: there have been millions who have been freed from such demonic thoughts like that.

The Bible says that Satan is like a lion looking for people who he can devour! Satan will not be satisfied with you just having thoughts like that, he wants you to go through with every single one of them.

If you are truly looking for freedom from such an evil mindset, then why not look to God? Why not allow yourself to reach your hand out to Christ before you go off the deep end? There is no reason to not turn to Jesus, because otherwise you will only perish.

Without God, what will your goal be? To simply get through life without actually hurting someone? No, you need and deserve more than that. There is nothing too great for Christ to free you from. He has overcome the world and died in place of our sins. Jesus Christ is the bondage breaker.

If you are truly looking for peace, then read the Bible, get on your knees and cry out to Jesus Christ for help. If you do, then there is nothing except freedom and hope that will be in your path.

It's all possible only in Christ.

 

[VioletTears]

So why do you think you want to do it? Does it maybe give you a feeling of power? Do you tend to feel powerless a lot? Or do you feel a lot of anger at the world? Or resentment that people don't understand your pain?

 

[thoughts]

i wish i knew y i have them they just happen at random i could be happy having fun or crying or anything in between i just have them and the urge is unbelivable it dosent make me feel powerful or anything just the pure joy of doing it

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

It's good that you are aware of your condition.
The best advice that i can give you is to
keep seeking for professional help. It's an obsession
and you really need a psychiatrist. And just keep on
consulting while you're still in control with
yourself. And if you'll ask my honest opinion, you should
be in rehabilitation so that you'll get a "focused" treatment,
and you'll be in a controlled environment.
I know you're in college but this is for your own good, coz'
like what you've said, you dont wanna hurt anyone. And reality
speaking, we can't always take good control of ourselves, especially
when it comes from our mind. I am saying this because I care for you,
and I wanna prevent you from doing any violation that you might regret.

 

[Psychedelicious]

680t;gouoo

 

[VioletTears]

Well, preoccupation with religion is actually VERY common in schizophrenia so people can get up on their high horse all they want but the fact is, Christians aren't immune to mental illness, either. That's just plain narrow minded. Faith, whether Christianity or Wicca or Islam or Buddhism or anything else does bring comfort to some people, and for those people, great, but it's an individual choice.

Thoughts, how do you feel when you see others hurt?

 

[youareimportant]

psyche, when we are going through life without the safeguard of Jesus Christ, then we are vulnerable to the attacks of the devil. I had a bad upbringing with dark undertones, which in turn made my mind think involuntary bad thoughts. Self-injury, sick sexual things, etc. But what changed that thought train completely for me? Well it was reading the Bible and crying out to Jesus Christ. Just like that, my direction was shifted from going down to going up. My thought-train had a new track.

The world has evil - and it was here because from the beginning we humans decided to obey the devil rather than God. But God gave us a remedy in Jesus Christ. So that is the reality that needs to be matched with the situation. Only in Jesus Christ do we have victory over darkness.

 

[youareimportant]

Well, preoccupation with religion is actually VERY common in schizophrenia so people can get up on their high horse all they want but the fact is, Christians aren't immune to mental illness, either. That's just plain narrow minded. Faith, whether Christianity or Wicca or Islam or Buddhism or anything else does bring comfort to some people, and for those people, great, but it's an individual choice.

Thoughts, how do you feel when you see others hurt?

Yeah, of course schizophreniacs are pre-occupied with religion. That's because, imo, the devil plays with and twists people into religious thoughts and ideologies. So it would make sense that schizophreniacs and others would be the most twisted and twined into such things. The devil loves to lie about religion the most! Yes, Christians can suffer mentally, but they are not prone to serious murderous thoughts, self-injurious thoughts, etc. And if they are, then they need to re-evaluate where there faith is, and whether or not they were truly turning their life fully over to God.

 

[VioletTears]

Yeah, of course schizophreniacs are pre-occupied with religion. That's because, imo, the devil plays with and twists people into religious thoughts and ideologies. So it would make sense that schizophreniacs and others would be the most twisted and twined into such things. The devil loves to lie about religion the most! Yes, Christians can suffer mentally, but they are not prone to serious murderous thoughts, self-injurious thoughts, etc. And if they are, then they need to re-evaluate where there faith is, and whether or not they were truly turning their life fully over to God.

You know, I had to read the whole Bible in college. I don't think that God is so pure himself. I would rather cut myself, die and go to hell than bow down to someone who says it's okay for people to beat their slaves.

 

[youareimportant]

Yeah, of course schizophreniacs are pre-occupied with religion. That's because, imo, the devil plays with and twists people into religious thoughts and ideologies. So it would make sense that schizophreniacs and others would be the most twisted and twined into such things. The devil loves to lie about religion the most! Yes, Christians can suffer mentally, but they are not prone to serious murderous thoughts, self-injurious thoughts, etc. And if they are, then they need to re-evaluate where there faith is, and whether or not they were truly turning their life fully over to God.

You know, I had to read the whole Bible in college. I don't think that God is so pure himself. I would rather cut myself, die and go to hell than bow down to someone who says it's okay for people to beat their slaves.

What standard of purity do you go by? Purity and other standards of holiness are only valid if they come from a source that has the authority to define it. But besides, reading the Bible doesn't make you spiritually connected to it per se. It must be read with a heart that is not hardened.

About your slaves comment Violet, the Bible was written in the cultural context of its time. Laws were made to treat slaves well, and even in the NT, which is where the New Covenant (and thus the most relevant) overrides much of the laws that were for the Jews.

There is so much spiritual fruit and freedom in the Bible, that to quibble over a perceived "injustice" by YOUR STANDARD makes little sense. Anyhow, the testimonies of believers in Christ have such strength in them, that trying to punch holes in the holy text doesn't seem all that fruitful.

 

[lonely_down_under]

I posted similar topic some days ago. I also feel urge to be violent to defend myself, or to control situations. But I've never hurt anyone, trust me.

 

[Doomed2Die]

thoughts ~

Can I ask why are you posting this on a SA forum? No accusation intended, I just think it's not the best of places for something this serious.

Um, something small but do you have any religious background? Any previous links to these images when younger, like an event or person? An item even?