Missed opputunities!!

[Depression4life]

Missed opportunities!!

Hi this is probably the wrong forum to post this as it's not really SA related but I didnt know where to post it. Anyway it's about have problems in meeting women.

Earlier today I was at the post office when I spotted a pretty brunette she had tanned skin she looked of Italian descent I looked at her than took my eyes off her when she spotted me looking at her lol anyway afterwards I spotted her looking at me & she smiled briefly. I could tell she liked/fancied me due to all the signs i.e she was playing with her hair once she saw me glancing at her & she had her elbow pointed towards me & when she smiled briefly

There was 2 queues I was standing at the 1st one & she was waiting in the other. Anyhow fast forward a few minutes & she eventually left.
So obviously I was disapointed & really frustrated that neither of us made the first move to talk to eachother:kickingmyself: Or to start a conversation!!
It just feels like a wasted oppurtunity cause she obviously showed interest in me due to her making eye contact & I fancied her & I felt she was one of the few girls who was likely to date me/sleep with me lol

It's just in this type of situation what can you say to her?? I'd usually say hello or hi but in this situation I can't just walk up & say hello cause she doesn't know me & she's waiting in queue at the post office & so am I??
People might think I'm gay or not confident cause I didnt talk to her but what could I have said to her?? Its not like we were in a bar (which is made for meeting women) we were in the friggin post office!!

This type of thing has happened several times but I never end up with that specific girl cause either me or her never make the first move to talk to eachother its so frustrating. Like at the supermarket you see a girl you find attractive & she catches you glancing at her & you both exchange eye contact but she's 2 cashiers away form you in another queue so what do you say to her in this situation?? Do you leave you queue & go & introduce yourself to her even if they are people infront & behind of her??

The thing is its not everyday I meet a girl who fancies me like the one in the Post office so when the situations happen & I dont end up with the girl cause neither of us took the first step to talk to eachother it feels like I've wasted so many of those oppurtunities with girls who I felt were the only ones who'd date me or sleep with me. There are the only ones who'd I see as potential girlfriends.


I used online dating but girls never reply they dont seem interested in me & when I go out to speed dating events/single events/nightclubs looking for women or a girlfriend theres never any girl who's interested in me but when I got to random places like the supermarket or the post office without even looking for a girlfriend I always seem to bump into girls who are interested in me & wanna date me/sleep with me. It's funny as they say when you got out looking for a girl you won't find any girl but when you stop looking then you bump into girls who are interested in dating you!!

It's a real problem I was gonna talk to my therapist/counsellor about this cause I need a solution so that next time I bump into a girl who likes me what do I say?? What do I do?? I'm really clueless has any of these situations happened to you?? How I see it is when other boys & girls make eye contact they always end up together cause they had the courage to make the first move to speak to eachother. So is it just me or has anything like the situation at the post office happened to you??

 

[DanielLewis]

Similar situations have happened to me several times. Like, one time, I was sitting inside a fast-food restaurant, eating my meal when, unexpectedly, a van door opens from outside the window in front of me. There's a girl in the van who opened it and looks at me, giving me a big smile. It took me by such surprise, and I found it to be sort of strange that a girl would do that, so I looked away and then looked back, smiling awkwardly. What was I supposed to do, walk outside and start talking to her? She was obviously showing a high-level of interest, and I should've just smiled back and motioned with my finger for her to come over.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened. I've had girls show interest in me numerous times throughout my life, but shyness and a lack of confidence held me back from ever even having a girlfriend. If I knew what I know now 8 years ago, I would've had several girlfriend's by now because my paradigm about woman and life has changed. Now, I'm 23-years-old, trying to play catch-up and get experience with women because I never got any throughout school which is when most guys get theirs.

I would offer you a few pieces of advice. First off, you can meet and approach a woman virtually anywhere. It doesn't matter if it's a post office, a bar, the grocery store, the street, etc. Limiting beliefs will try to get you to make excuses, but there's always a way. You could've walked up to her and said "Hi, what's your name?" It's simple and it may not be the most clever or witty opener, but it's better than nothing. Also, if she smiled at you, showing some interest, then you probably don't need a witty or funny opener. You just need to get the conversation rolling. The thing is, if you don't say something to her and try to get her number, then you have no chance with her. At least try and you have a chance. The biggest failure I made throughout school, and why I never got a girlfriend, was because I didn't try.

My second and more important piece of advice is to simply be prepared for these chance encounters. To succeed, you need to prepare to succeed. You said you have trouble not knowing what to do or say. This means you have trouble socializing either with women or people in general. Otherwise, if you had good social skills, it wouldn't be so difficult. Therefore, prepare for this situation next time it comes around by improving your social skills.

My third piece of advice relates to what you said here: "they say when you got out looking for a girl you won't find any girl but when you stop looking then you bump into girls who are interested in dating you!!" You know why this is so? It's probably because when you go out with a mission to meet a girl, like it's your goal, you come off as needy or desperate. Then again, that's not necessarily true for speed dating or singles events because everyone is openly there to meet a partner. Anyway, what I'm getting at is the hungry vs. non-hungry, needy vs. non-needy mindsets. To have an abundance mindset - to truly believe and feel that you will be just as happy without any woman in your life, and that you can do without them - is an attractive mindset to a woman. So, maybe when you're not looking for a woman you're in this better frame of mind which attracts women better because it affects how you behave. You behave in a more confident manner that says "I want you", but "I don't need you" and "I'm a catch. You'd be lucky to have a guy like me." Without confidence, you stand no chance with any woman, unless she's just as unconfident as you are. Women, in general, won't date any guy who's less confident than they are.

My last piece of advice is to not bang your head against the wall over missed opportunities. You need to quickly learn from them, then forget them and move on. Don't be attached to it or think of what could've been. Simply use it as a learning experience. That's the only value it has once it's done and over with. You want to develop a powerful mindset that's going to help you succeed with not just women, but in life in general. Everything comes from the mind, so make sure you use it to help you succeed.

These are the things I'm starting to implement in my own life. It's tough sometimes, but I have a burning desire now to succeed. It must be done. Patience is important. The change you want to see will not come tomorrow, and maybe not even in a year. Keep making progress and strides though, and you'll get there. It's only a matter of time.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I don't really have any advice to give about what to say to random chicks at the post office, but may I just say that I think you should chill...

Making eye contact and playing with your hair when someone look at you does not mean "I want to date you/sleep with you".

I don't think there's anything interesting that you can say to a random girl that you see once in a queue at the post office that will be likely to lead to you dating her.

It's easier in the context of an activity (sport, outdoor), in bars, parties, through friends or in a context where you bump into each other regularly...

Maybe you'll see her again at the post office and can say something like "I've seen you twice here lately but never saw you before, did you just move in?" or something.

Note: I am NOT a good reference, dating-wise

 

[slimjim119]

Re: Missed opportunities!!

Hi this is probably the wrong forum to post this as it's not really SA related but I didnt know where to post it. Anyway it's about have problems in meeting women.

Earlier today I was at the post office when I spotted a pretty brunette she had tanned skin she looked of Italian descent I looked at her than took my eyes off her when she spotted me looking at her lol anyway afterwards I spotted her looking at me & she smiled briefly. I could tell she liked/fancied me due to all the signs i.e she was playing with her hair once she saw me glancing at her & she had her elbow pointed towards me & when she smiled briefly

There was 2 queues I was standing at the 1st one & she was waiting in the other. Anyhow fast forward a few minutes & she eventually left.
So obviously I was disapointed & really frustrated that neither of us made the first move to talk to eachother:kickingmyself: Or to start a conversation!!
It just feels like a wasted oppurtunity cause she obviously showed interest in me due to her making eye contact & I fancied her & I felt she was one of the few girls who was likely to date me/sleep with me lol

It's just in this type of situation what can you say to her?? I'd usually say hello or hi but in this situation I can't just walk up & say hello cause she doesn't know me & she's waiting in queue at the post office & so am I??
People might think I'm gay or not confident cause I didnt talk to her but what could I have said to her?? Its not like we were in a bar (which is made for meeting women) we were in the friggin post office!!

This type of thing has happened several times but I never end up with that specific girl cause either me or her never make the first move to talk to eachother its so frustrating. Like at the supermarket you see a girl you find attractive & she catches you glancing at her & you both exchange eye contact but she's 2 cashiers away form you in another queue so what do you say to her in this situation?? Do you leave you queue & go & introduce yourself to her even if they are people infront & behind of her??

The thing is its not everyday I meet a girl who fancies me like the one in the Post office so when the situations happen & I dont end up with the girl cause neither of us took the first step to talk to eachother it feels like I've wasted so many of those oppurtunities with girls who I felt were the only ones who'd date me or sleep with me. There are the only ones who'd I see as potential girlfriends.


I used online dating but girls never reply they dont seem interested in me & when I go out to speed dating events/single events/nightclubs looking for women or a girlfriend theres never any girl who's interested in me but when I got to random places like the supermarket or the post office without even looking for a girlfriend I always seem to bump into girls who are interested in me & wanna date me/sleep with me. It's funny as they say when you got out looking for a girl you won't find any girl but when you stop looking then you bump into girls who are interested in dating you!!

It's a real problem I was gonna talk to my therapist/counsellor about this cause I need a solution so that next time I bump into a girl who likes me what do I say?? What do I do?? I'm really clueless has any of these situations happened to you?? How I see it is when other boys & girls make eye contact they always end up together cause they had the courage to make the first move to speak to eachother. So is it just me or has anything like the situation at the post office happened to you??

I feel your pain. I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. It's tough to act in a situation like that. Almost impossible sometimes. Missed opportunities is the story of my life. I still remember a time at the movies when I saw a girl smiling and looking my way often. I didn't act. It's really depressing. It's hard for guys without SA to act in some of these situations.

Take it as a learning experience. Next time will be different. That's what I try to do.

 

[Bronson99]

Making eye contact and playing with your hair when someone look at you does not mean "I want to date you/sleep with you".

It doesn't necessarily mean that.. correct. But there is at least a chance that it does, which is not surprising in this liberal day and age.

Beyond this, if he's not in his element at bars and clubs--who with SA feels good and confident in such places, anyway!?--he needs to embrace the possibilities offered by random chance in other places. I think we should be encouraging him, IMHO.

 

[Xervello]

My advice: stop obsessing about your loneliness/horniness and start treating women as the actual people they are. Listen to what they have to say without trying to sniff out their intentions. And treat them no better or no worse than anyone else you would. Sincerity and respect without a motive behind them is as much a turn-on as self-confidence or good looks. When you stop trying so hard and start being real, it might yield better results.

 

[Xion]

This kind of thing happened to me only once. But on a much bigger scale.

 

[Bronson99]

My advice: stop obsessing about your loneliness/horniness and start treating women as the actual people they are. Listen to what they have to say without trying to sniff out their intentions. And treat them no better or no worse than anyone else you would. Sincerity and respect without a motive behind them is as much a turn-on as self-confidence or good looks. When you stop trying so hard and start being real, it might yield better results.

The problem of SA is that it often causes loneliness, which naturally leads to "seeking" type of behavior, creating a vicious cycle. If you have SA, for example, but have good people skills--you like to talk to people, have strong empathy, and such--then you do not know this side of it, and your advice should be different. You cannot tell someone to "turn off desire," it is not that simple.

 

[nodejesque]

My advice: stop obsessing about your loneliness/horniness and start treating women as the actual people they are. Listen to what they have to say without trying to sniff out their intentions. And treat them no better or no worse than anyone else you would. Sincerity and respect without a motive behind them is as much a turn-on as self-confidence or good looks. When you stop trying so hard and start being real, it might yield better results.

This.

It's extremely uncomfortable when politeness gets misinterpreted as flirtatious behavior. I always smile at people as a way of silent hello.... But many times men have taken that as invitation for something that ends up freaking me out.

Yes, take advantage of possibilities.... But do it as an opportunity to be kind polite. I agree with Xervello, this will definitely go a long way.

 

[Kiwong]

Awkwardness is such a big component of anxiety, it'd very hard to relax enough to come across as real I'd imagine. The best way to start improving at communicating is to get beyond seeing a conversation with anyone remotely attractive as a romantic or sexual opportunity. Go in with the aim of trying to have a pleasant conversation that went well for both of you, without stuffing up.

 

[Bronson99]

This.

It's extremely uncomfortable when politeness gets misinterpreted as flirtatious behavior. I always smile at people as a way of silent hello.... But many times men have taken that as invitation for something that ends up freaking me out.

Yes, take advantage of possibilities.... But do it as an opportunity to be kind polite. I agree with Xervello, this will definitely go a long way.

I understand your point, but would you say that 99.9% of the time the behavior the OP mentions is purely and simply politeness? How is he supposed to be able to understand whether what he sees is a sign of attraction, or just politeness? I agree that it shouldn't be taken as a "clear invitation" to anything, but I also wish you would try and see it from his point of view, as well.

A lot of this stuff is very contradictory and makes no sense, anyway.