Messing up my life..again

[spectacular_views]

This is my first post on this forum. I found it a couple weeks ago, registered last week and haven't posted until today because I was thinking of how personal I wanted to get. I'm still not completely sure about it...but here goes.

I've dealt with all the depression/generalized anxiety/social anxiety since I was about 15/16. I'm 22 now. I've been on loads of different medications and finally started to be alright on Effexor XR and Zyprexa. Unfortunately, this was after completely ruining going to high school like a normal person and graduating. After a couple years of just working I got it in my head that I needed to go to college, got my G.E.D., and started at a somewhat small art school. I wasn't having too bad of anxiety there but the school itself was a complete joke. And expensive as hell. So I did everything I could to get into a much bigger, much better art school.

That brings us to now. Almost immediately my SA came back. I found myself going to class...but not being able to walk further than the door. I emailed all my Profs. and filled them in on my situation. Almost all of them were really understanding...but one didn't even have the decency to email me back. That was last week. This week I haven't even been able to go on campus. Also this whole ordeal has got my depression back acting up. I feel like I'm that helpless 16 year old again, as well as messing up college.

I have only talked about this with my mother and one friend so I guess that's why I wanted to post on here.

 

[Whychosis]

I commend you for getting into school. I dropped out and after a few years I finally forced myself to get my G.E.D. I'm actually turning 22 next month. I want to do something with my art as well. Though I haven't taken it anywhere outside my bedroom. I was recommended to take up graphic design at the local college here, but never tried. I was smoking a lot of pot at the time, which didn't help me any. Now I've got a 1 bedroom apartment here and I'm living on SSI, contemplating my next move. Anyway towards getting better in your head would probably be the best place to start. Just avoid the weed

Took me a day or two to post something here as well. This post being the most I've opened up.

 

[Ignace]

I'm sorry you have it that severe. Try to go, it won't get any better when you keep delaying it.
Welcome here btw.
You can always talk on here, we're all one.

 

[Topofthemountain]

Sorry to hear how things have gone backwards for you. That is always so discouraging. What do you think has caused the SA to come back so strongly? Is the new school a lot larger? Or just a whole new environment?

I remember going to college the first time when I was 18. I went from a small boarding school in the mountains in Europe with 250 students total, to Texas A&M, a HUGE school (40,000+ students), and so, so different. It wasn't like going just to a different country (and it was, literally), it was like moving to a different planet. I freaked. Couldn't go to classes, eventually dropped out. Years later I went to a different college, in New England. It was much more comfortable, and although I still had to deal with my SA, it was manageable.

Maybe it's a matter of finding a school that's a better fit for you?

 

[coyote]

Hi! Welcome to the forum!

i went to a "bigger, better art school", too

I found that social interaction wasn't as big a deal there

what really mattered was the work you did in studios

I hope you find a similar experience

good luck!

 

[Silvox Black]

I commend you on your courage my good sir. You have an admirable spirit and your tenacity goes beyond description. Hold strong and you will thrive. I certainly hope that this forum can be of some benefit to you.

 

[EasySkanking]

Hey man, pardon for saying this this way, but I like to be blunt (gets straight to the point without playing):

But it seems like you got balls... changing schools just because you didn't like one... I would've (in my old days) just frozen at the thought of doing something new like that.

Balls is a big advantage when battling Social Anxiety, because it'll allow you to dive in more easily into exposure therapy (which is a really damn good way to battle it btw - I was able to completely beat SA at one point thanks to this). Look into Cognative behaviour therapy - I recommend the book Overcoming Anxiety for Dummies (you can find it in any Barnes&noble/etc.) And use the balls that you got to get through it

Good luck mate - I know how bad it can be to deal with SA :/

 

[R3K]

i dropped out of college. i'd wake up early as hell, drive 25 minutes to campus from my parents' house, spend 5-30 minutes searching for a parking spot, walk 10-15 minutes across the expansive college through mobs of people, get to the building and ascend the stairs (elevators are too scary for social phobics), get to the hallway and walk down toward the classroom. then suddenly the doorway transformed into the sarlac pit in starwars and i'd just whirl around on my heel and get the hell out of there. after spending all that time, energy and money getting to the class, i could not make myself go through the door. it was a murderous experience for me, and i made many poor decisions (SAD notwithstanding) that led to my dropping out.

if you feel like you're repeating a bad pattern from high school then you should slow down and try to address the core issues. don't jump into college when you're not ready for it (like i did). you're only 22, that's young homey. if you think you are ready for college, then you gotta work on developing some skills and tools for dealing with anxiety-inducing encounters otherwise you'll just choke every time you get to the classroom door.

 

[moni10]

Somehow I relate to your situation. This is my last year of highschool and for some unpleasant reasons I had to apply for moving to another highschool.So, Monday is my first day there; I know nobody in this new school but a girl from another class.I still can't believe that I'll have to deal with 30 unknown people for a year now.I really had no choice.I had missed so many classes and only 2 teachers understood my problem.The majority of them just couldn't understand that I was too scared to go to school and could'n concentrate on anything..I've hardly picked up my courage, went in my classroom, confront all my 'mates' and had all the necessary exams and tests in 2 weeks. Looking back I still can't believe I had the guts to do it.Now I have the chance of a new start.But I can't help being anxious.I wish I could know how this year will be like for me.All I can tell you is to confront your fear.Just think of how proud you'll be of yourself and relieved after you'll have done it.

 

[Solitude]

I'm not familiar with art schools at all, but are online classes an option? It might not help your SA right now, but you could continue school while you get some help.

 

[Fighter86]

Yep, I think if you can find a reputable online school, it would be great, because you can study and work part time as well since you would have more free time. The biggest bonus would of course be you can concentrate fully without all those nerve racking SA things going on.

 

[spectacular_views]

THANK YOU everyone for the replies! I haven't even been on here to check replies since the day after I posted. I've been still dealing with all this and trying to work out a plan of action. UPDATE at the end. I want to respond to everyone individually. Here goes...

@Whychosis (does @___ even work on here? I feel like it's everywhere now though. I'll do it just in case. Just hoping you all look back at my thread!)

We're twins! ha I had my time with pot. It was during and after highschool. I didn't smoke that often. Just when drunk...although I WAS drunk a lot. As one person trying to do something with art to another, do it! The funny thing about going to school for photography for the past year is that taking pictures actually began being a chore. I would shoot my assignment, just making the criteria, and put my camera down. I've actually picked it up this past week and it's like an old friend.

@Ignace Thanks for the warm greeting! I have an update after all the replies.

@Topofthemountain Thank you for your concern! The new school IS a lot bigger. Not THAT big as it is in the downtown of a city instead of a college town campus. But still big...and a lot bigger than the previous school.

@phocas Thanks for the welcome! I didn't take the email thing too seriously...but that teacher also LOVES sending us email. So I knew he saw it. And I guess just expected a least a little compassion. ha.

@coyote Thank you so much for the welcome! I'm sure that's the case at this school too...but it's still scary. ha. I'd love to see your art! Is some on here somewhere? I've yet to completely dive into this forum, unfortunately. But I plan to!

@Silvox Black Wow. Thanks! I need to write that out and tape it on my mirror! And I look forward to getting involved in the forum.

@EasySkankin2 I've got balls, eh? I've never thought of myself like that. More..careful. ha. I'll look into that book.

@R3K You described what I do when going to class perfectly! ha. One day I was actually trying to figure out how I had used so much gas in the week...and realized it was from constant driving to classes and leaving. Doing that for two classes a day = a lot of driving.

@moni10 At least 2 of your highschool teachers were understanding. None of mine were. "Everyone else is here...you can be too!" I wish you luck on the fresh start. Sometimes for me that's the best medicine. If I had a nickel for every clean slate...

@Solitude @Fighter86 I had looked into online versions of my classes but they weren't offered. Well one was..but I couldn't switch.

OKAY. That's everybody. Again, thank you all for the welcomes and support!

Here's what happened. The week after my post not being able to go through the door turned into not being able to go on campus. This was an immediate red flag to me. I spent most the next week (last week) at my mother's house like an hour away from the city in the country. Being a recluse except for getting cigarettes and renting movies. Sizing up the situation and planning. I had also visited the doctor and talked to him. He just doubled for Zyprexa and said to see if that helped. It didn't really...but then again I was in a bubble. Last friday I went to a party I was invited to without even telling them I'd think about it. I thought this would be a nice tester. Test =ed failed until I had a couple beers and got out of there. It didn't make anything worse..but I definitely noticed nothing was better. BUT it WAS a party. So monday morning I headed off to class. Got on campus. And it was the same old song and dance. Forced myself to at least go to the class. And I started singing and dancing again. Turned around while my foot was still on the safe side of the social lava.

So today. Woke up, went to class. Guess what? And then I made a decision that both scared me and liberated me at the same time. I had been thinking about taking a leave till the spring semester (hopefully only that long) and making a fresh start. Get a job, (I haven't had one since summer) do whatever it takes with the Doctor, and get back on track. The school was really understanding and let me stay enrolled just not taking any classes. And here I am. Giving myself the rest of the week to wind down and (hopefully) taking charge (slowly) on Monday. I might fail. I know it will be tough. But I'm going to at least try. I'll refrain from editing this post when my mood completely changes to freaking out in the next minutes to hours. ha.

On a side note, I have been getting back into taking pictures. I mentioned this in a reply to someone but wanted to include it here as well. Since going to school last year for something I love to do I have found myself not loving it that much. I'd take pictures for an assignment and maybe my facebook default. But that was it. But the past several days I've been using my old nikon friend and I'm so happy about it. Just got into TtV photography today. If anyone knows what that is...talk to me about it! I think I'm in love.

If you read all this...I want to marry you! If you're a guy....high-five? Or...I'll take your picture? ha