Loyal's Thoughts

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
slipping into the big sad again

The dingo sanctuary has been great, and theres been a couple days where I've caught up with some friends and been able to get out of my head. But outside of those days I've been feeling rather low again 😮💨
idk wtf happened to the emoji there.. It was meant to be the normal exhale one 😅
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
In a lot of pain today. I finally had that follow up with the dentist, I thought theyd just fix the filling or worst case take out the tooth. It turned out to be a disaster, They did indeed take out the tooth but it was apparently fused to the bone and the tooth next to it, so when they took it out they also took out a perfectly good tooth. They sent me to some dental surgeon in a big hurry but he said because they'd broken the bone it'd be too hard to put back in and stabilize and no guarantee it would work so he wouldnt do it and instead just stitched it all up.

I'm pretty gutted to have lost a perfectly good tooth, its bad enough that I had to lose a tooth at all, but I was ready to accept losing one that was damaged. But to lose a good one and to now have a huge gap at the back of my mouth has me upset and humiliated.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Been a while since I swung by here, havent really felt up to it. Not that its been all bad, I've been having some pretty good days lately, just havent had the spoons for posting anything.

My mouth healed up after the dentist debacle, still bothers me to have lost a perfectly good tooth but I guess I've accepted it now, little bro is almost 8 weeks old and starting to actually look around and become a little more interactive. I'm loving my days at the dingo sanctuary. the retail job that I have is up and down with shifts, last two weeks I only got one shift a week, but then this week I've got 3 so who knows whats happening there, it'll do for now and the lesser shift weeks give me recovery time anyway so I dont mind it.

I dyed my hair again, Im back to green now, I got sick of people commenting that the blue matched the work uniform 😂. I also got my eyebrow pierced again, I used to have it about 10 years back but had to take it out coz of the toxic ex bullshit, along with my nose and lip piercings, I missed the eyebrow ones the most and so I decided fuck it I want it back. Then I impulsively got a nipple pierced too lol. Probably indicative that I slipped into a more manic end of the mood spirals but eh I like the piercings so I dont mind.

Still doing the whole weight loss schtick. I've lost 60kgs (132lbs) so far, I still have 26kgs (57lbs) to get to my goal, but Im getting there... even if its slowly lol.

I had an awesome weekend hanging out with friends, went to a club for the first time in 11 years, and a few days prior we also went out to the Opera House and saw a play (Six) which was great, so I've had quite a few good days these last few weeks.

Im quite a few ways I feel like I've been doing some heavy healing these last few weeks in finding myself again after all the damage from that bullshit of a relationship 😅 its nice to be feeling like I'm me again and less like I've been running on autopilot and survival mode.

I also downloaded some dating apps to try and put myself back out there, considering I've been single for so many years I was finally starting to feel ready again. I'm talking to someone at the moment and it feels like it has potential to lead somewhere, whether a long term or a short term I dont know, we havent met in person yet and I dont want to ask what she wants so soon lol. But its nice to feel something again.

Oh I've also been walking the dogs again, not as much as I'd like to with all the rain and flooding weather we've been having. But on the nicer days I've been walking them and thats been great for them and me.

So in all I think its been more good days than bad these last few weeks
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Boy have things been real up and down... Had a great holiday with my friends over the long weekend, then I come home and tested positive for covid I assume from having gone to the Easter Show a few days before the holiday... This covid positive crap also meant I didnt get to see the Dingoes today which is my weekly mental reset.. Im stuck in isolation until Monday even though Im already feeling loads better,it was a very mild case. But being trapped in this damp garage is not great for my headspace...

I'm still talking to that girl and we've set a date to meet, idk if its a date date or like a meeting up for the first time kind of hanging out thing.. I really like her but now my insecurities have me wildly uncertain about the whole thing... I was really looking forward to it until my mother made me super self conscious about my body tonight by actively gagging at it and now I'm on a spiral of self hate and shame and just feeling like absolute shit.

I've lost like 66kgs now (145lbs), still got 20kgs (44lbs) to go to reach my goal weight of 70kgs (154lbs) but a side effect of this weight loss has been the looser skin shit. I was venting to my mother about it and showed her and she was disgusted and gagged at me like she was going to vomit and just made me feel like absolute shit about myself... She literally gagged at me... like not even just one little gag but like she was actually gonna hurl. I hate how much her opinion can still fucking get to me.. like Im almost 32 it shouldnt be able to hurt so much and now I dont know what to do... like Im never gonna be able to afford the thousands of dollars it would cost for plastic surgery, its like up to 10k just for the stomach and how am I meant to try and date the girl I like, what if it goes further and then she sees me and is disgusted... ugh its just set off a spiral of self hate and insecurities like nothing else

I was single for so long being self conscious about the weight gain after the breakdown from the bullshit with the ex, on top of trying to heal the emotional bullshit she caused, and now Im feeling even more self conscious than I was before
 

MollyBeGood

Well-known member
On no that’s horrible LoyalXenite! Your mom should be ashamed of herself for making you feel ugly after you tried to loose weight and feel/look better. It’s parents behavior like that that really scars their children. I really am sorry she didn’t do the right thing and support you and make you feel good about achieving some weight loss. You’re clearly trying to be healthier and that is really hard to do in an unsupportive environment. Plus the added stress of meeting new people and putting yourself out there-What a drag to have that happen.
I remember once my mom made fun of the way I walked, like it wasn’t super feminine or something, IDK but it was highly in appropriate of her to do that to me and childish. I never forgot it. I am sure if I brought it up she would deny ever doing it too. Parents can be absolutely horrible and there’s zero excuse for it. Again I am sorry she did that. Screw her! They say “looking good is the best revenge”, just use that as fuel to keep pushing on. I am sure a lot of mothers being that way to their daughters is straight up envy/jealousy anyways.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
On no that’s horrible LoyalXenite! Your mom should be ashamed of herself for making you feel ugly after you tried to loose weight and feel/look better. It’s parents behavior like that that really scars their children. I really am sorry she didn’t do the right thing and support you and make you feel good about achieving some weight loss. You’re clearly trying to be healthier and that is really hard to do in an unsupportive environment. Plus the added stress of meeting new people and putting yourself out there-What a drag to have that happen.
I remember once my mom made fun of the way I walked, like it wasn’t super feminine or something, IDK but it was highly in appropriate of her to do that to me and childish. I never forgot it. I am sure if I brought it up she would deny ever doing it too. Parents can be absolutely horrible and there’s zero excuse for it. Again I am sorry she did that. Screw her! They say “looking good is the best revenge”, just use that as fuel to keep pushing on. I am sure a lot of mothers being that way to their daughters is straight up envy/jealousy anyways.

I feel you on the walk, my ex mocked how I run and I've thought about it every time I've ever had to run since, and as a kid I was told I dont walk like a girl should and it often pops into my mind. Sometimes people just shouldnt comment on others coz it just sticks in the brain for years
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I'm so sorry your mom had to make an inappropriate comment like that Loyal. :( You put in so much work towards losing weight, yet that's what she focused on most. I can understand your insecurity, but believe me when I say (as cliche as it always sounds), when you're dating someone and that person really loves you and cares for you, they're not going to care about all your loose skin. They're going to know about your weight loss journey and say, "Wow! That's an amazing achievement! I'm so proud of you!" And they're going to see what a determined and hardworking person you truly are.

I am sure a lot of mothers being that way to their daughters is straight up envy/jealousy anyways.
This. It's always this. It's a sense of insecurity with themselves so they feel the urge to push others down to make themselves feel better, while also being a reflection of their own character and what they aren't able to do. My mother was pretty bad about this growing up. She ALWAYS had a comment towards how I looked and it seriously affected my confidence (or rather lack thereof) as a teen and even now. I wasn't thin growing up either. I was pretty chunky for a long time especially for my height, weighed more then than I do now. Not just "baby fat", but I also wasn't as active as I am now either, nor did I eat as healthily. I remember a couple times in particular when shopping for clothing (which was always a living hell most of the time) she would make remarks like, "I can't believe you're bigger than I was at this age." and "You know, you could go on a diet." That shit is SO damaging towards children, but especially towards girls because it's thrown in our faces at such a young age through the media alone on how we are expected to look. Not to mention remarks towards my hair, how I did not know how to take care of the curly mass on top of my head, my crooked teeth which needed a lot of money invested into because I did not win the genetic lottery on that front, the fact I didn't wear makeup either, and that I wasn't "girly enough" since I hated more feminine clothing anyways and was almost always wearing guys t-shirts. But what's funny is that despite all the judgment I got from my own mother, not once did she even help me in any of these departments (except the teeth; boy did my parents have to dish out the change on that, but that was a whole medical issue, not really cosmetics) and later in life it dawned on me that she never helped me and just bullied me all the time because I was a reflection of what she couldn't actually do herself. She couldn't bother to teach me how to do makeup or care properly for my curly hair or even find clothes that fitted properly because she didn't know how to do it herself. I ended up having to teach myself ALL of those things, plus how to eat better, and I have a lot more confidence now than I ever did as a kid/teen. Gaining confidence and being happy with yourself and reflecting that with your hair, makeup, clothing, etc. is the biggest middle-finger flex you can have towards anyone that has judged you wrongly otherwise.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I'm so sorry your mom had to make an inappropriate comment like that Loyal. :( You put in so much work towards losing weight, yet that's what she focused on most. I can understand your insecurity, but believe me when I say (as cliche as it always sounds), when you're dating someone and that person really loves you and cares for you, they're not going to care about all your loose skin. They're going to know about your weight loss journey and say, "Wow! That's an amazing achievement! I'm so proud of you!" And they're going to see what a determined and hardworking person you truly are.


This. It's always this. It's a sense of insecurity with themselves so they feel the urge to push others down to make themselves feel better, while also being a reflection of their own character and what they aren't able to do. My mother was pretty bad about this growing up. She ALWAYS had a comment towards how I looked and it seriously affected my confidence (or rather lack thereof) as a teen and even now. I wasn't thin growing up either. I was pretty chunky for a long time especially for my height, weighed more then than I do now. Not just "baby fat", but I also wasn't as active as I am now either, nor did I eat as healthily. I remember a couple times in particular when shopping for clothing (which was always a living hell most of the time) she would make remarks like, "I can't believe you're bigger than I was at this age." and "You know, you could go on a diet." That shit is SO damaging towards children, but especially towards girls because it's thrown in our faces at such a young age through the media alone on how we are expected to look. Not to mention remarks towards my hair, how I did not know how to take care of the curly mass on top of my head, my crooked teeth which needed a lot of money invested into because I did not win the genetic lottery on that front, the fact I didn't wear makeup either, and that I wasn't "girly enough" since I hated more feminine clothing anyways and was almost always wearing guys t-shirts. But what's funny is that despite all the judgment I got from my own mother, not once did she even help me in any of these departments (except the teeth; boy did my parents have to dish out the change on that, but that was a whole medical issue, not really cosmetics) and later in life it dawned on me that she never helped me and just bullied me all the time because I was a reflection of what she couldn't actually do herself. She couldn't bother to teach me how to do makeup or care properly for my curly hair or even find clothes that fitted properly because she didn't know how to do it herself. I ended up having to teach myself ALL of those things, plus how to eat better, and I have a lot more confidence now than I ever did as a kid/teen. Gaining confidence and being happy with yourself and reflecting that with your hair, makeup, clothing, etc. is the biggest middle-finger flex you can have towards anyone that has judged you wrongly otherwise.

My relationship with her has never been great really, she was quite emotionally and physically abusive as I was growing up so really it was a stupid choice on my part to go seeking comfort there. All its done is damage my emotional and mental wellbeing. Mine always made those kinds of comments too, really so many people just arent suited to being parents, they need to work on their own issues first

but tonight Im drinking my pain away 😅 getting drunk and just enjoying some music and relaxing and lowkey called her out on facebook in front of all her friends which im sure I'll regret when sober but makes me feel better right now lol
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
My relationship with her has never been great really, she was quite emotionally and physically abusive as I was growing up so really it was a stupid choice on my part to go seeking comfort there. All its done is damage my emotional and mental wellbeing. Mine always made those kinds of comments too, really so many people just arent suited to being parents, they need to work on their own issues first

but tonight Im drinking my pain away 😅 getting drunk and just enjoying some music and relaxing and lowkey called her out on facebook in front of all her friends which im sure I'll regret when sober but makes me feel better right now lol
I'm sorry Loyal. Please don't kick yourself for seeking out comfort though. It's normal to seek it out from your parents, especially your mom because we expect our mothers to be, well, motherly. It's hard having a torn relationship with any parent. They're supposed to be the ones you look to and rely on emotionally and sometimes they're just not there. You wind up with a gap that doesn't seem like it can ever be filled and so you figure out ways to cope to help fill that gap. Some good, some not so good. Both of my parents were pretty emotionally absent growing up too. My parents were never the touchy-feely type and forget ever talking about your feelings too. Snide comments, yelling, talking about each other, and just being pissy were common occurrences in our house -- all fueled by my own mother. My dad wasn't innocent either, but he really just kept to himself and ignored everything, whereas my mother always expressed herself.

The relationship with my mother has improved a lot now that I'm an adult, but it's also mostly because I don't live with her and I keep her at arms length. I talk to her once or twice a week and see her in person a couple times a month, if that. It helped a lot too for her to be on the combination of meds she's on, and there's a huge difference in her character when she doesn't take them. I can tell now exactly when she hasn't taken her meds, thankfully that doesn't happen too often at all and she's really good about it now. I also don't rely on either of my parents for comfort when feeling down.
 
Google says "the time it takes for the skin to tighten after weight loss normally ranges from several months to two years, depending on how much weight you have lost" so hopefully it's just a matter of time... you're young so that should help. Congrats on the weight loss! Few of us have perfect bodies and we have to keep on living our lives anyway, can't let it stop you from trying to date, leave it up to her whether she wants you instead of making her decision for her.

A shame your mom has to be like that. My mom would comment on how terribly skinny I looked as a kid whenever I showed some skin, and it led to me not going swimming or wearing shorts for decades... perhaps most moms do that sort of thing to one degree or another.
 

SoScared

Well-known member
I was out playing at the time, but when when I was 13 totally unexpectedly a girl called round for me. On my return my mum (adopted) ridiculed this, on reflection milestone event and called it 'soppy'. Getting older does allow you to see the inadequacies of your parents. Man they were seriously fck up despite outwardly being pillars of the community
 
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