Loyal's Thoughts

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I feel like I'm trapped by where I should be in life, by finances, by deadlines, by where I am in life... everything just feels like its boxing me into a coffin of failure.

I have 2 weeks, and 4 assignments left of this semester of uni, then its just one more subject next semester and I'm done with uni. Once uni finishes I've obviously gotta try to get a job but with my lack of experience for my age shit, as well as the mental health issues, I'm not confident in my ability to get a job let alone a decent one and be able to hold it down long enough. I don't see myself ever being financially stable enough to get my own place. Even if I could no where will rent to someone with 3 big dogs so Im feeling stuck in this shitty garage (which dad isnt ever going to improve/build the granny flat. Its been 4 years and he keeps changing his mind and going back on his plans).

Best case scenario I live here for several more years and save up to put a deposit down on my own place.. but I really dont feel like that's even plausible with my general luck in life/poor future prospects. I just am feeling really behind in life... not to mention the whole having kids thing... if I want kids I'd want to have had them by the age of 35 coz that feels like the oldest I'd want to be pregnant and I dont want to be the really old parent of a young child.. that leaves me with 5 years... I cant have kids while I live in half a garage, I dont see me getting out of this garage any time soon... I just feel trapped and everything feels so inevitably futile.

I see no real future. My whole life things around me might change slightly, usually after some really rough shitty patch of hell. But Im always poor, Im always fucked up mentally, I'm always just behind in life. Frankly if I didnt have my dogs I'd have just opted out of life by now. Im not going to do anything because my dogs need me, but I just feel miserable.

At this point its focus on getting through uni coz every day I want to quit, and every day is a fucking struggle. Hence my countdown, 2 weeks, 4 assignments, then one more subject next semester. Then I deal with trying to get a job/get my mental/physical health together/not live in a fucking half a garage.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I feel like I'm trapped by where I should be in life, by finances, by deadlines, by where I am in life... everything just feels like its boxing me into a coffin of failure.

I have 2 weeks, and 4 assignments left of this semester of uni, then its just one more subject next semester and I'm done with uni. Once uni finishes I've obviously gotta try to get a job but with my lack of experience for my age shit, as well as the mental health issues, I'm not confident in my ability to get a job let alone a decent one and be able to hold it down long enough. I don't see myself ever being financially stable enough to get my own place. Even if I could no where will rent to someone with 3 big dogs so Im feeling stuck in this shitty garage (which dad isnt ever going to improve/build the granny flat. Its been 4 years and he keeps changing his mind and going back on his plans).
I completely understand. I'm currently feeling that way too, and I've been out of college for over a year now. It took me 5 years to finish my bachelors. For those 5 years I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and I couldn't wait to get out. Now I'm left with no job after the one I chased didn't end up being what I thought it was, and the person I knew that placed me in said job wasn't who I thought they were. It ended up being a really shitty situation and I'm still feeling guilty and angry by it. It wasn't my fault, and I still don't regret any decisions I've made thus far. I just have to somehow work with what I have. Job hunting is hard, I wish you luck. I've recently come with a new lead on a job this week. It's a temporary summer position, back in food production, but food production and working with machines is seemingly where I tend to do pretty damn good work, funny enough. Maybe search for temporary positions near you, even if it has nothing to do with your education or field of study, just to fill in the gaps of your prior work experience. Despite what was shoved down our throats in college and school here, your education or where you went to school, your GPA, none of that matters unless you're trying to get into some top notch job in a STEM field. Work experience and who you know is key and will get you farther than your piece of paper ever will, imo. Your degree is just proof that you put in the work to earn it. It's that WORK - both physical and the work put in with networking - that'll determine whether people want you or not. Sucks I kinda learned that the hard way, spending the first couple years chasing A's, but I didn't learn it too late, and it's never too late to learn either.

Best case scenario I live here for several more years and save up to put a deposit down on my own place.. but I really dont feel like that's even plausible with my general luck in life/poor future prospects. I just am feeling really behind in life... not to mention the whole having kids thing... if I want kids I'd want to have had them by the age of 35 coz that feels like the oldest I'd want to be pregnant and I dont want to be the really old parent of a young child.. that leaves me with 5 years... I cant have kids while I live in half a garage, I dont see me getting out of this garage any time soon... I just feel trapped and everything feels so inevitably futile.
I still feel behind in life too, trust me. I'm 27, spent a total of 7 years in college with only a BS and AS to show, currently unemployed and no job, no career, and about $16k in debt (I'm lucky I was able to pay off some loans. That's nothing compared to what most people spend here). People who typically spend that long in education already have their MS, or PhD if they're lucky, and have pretty damn good jobs. I haven't started my career, I don't know what my career will be now, if I even wind up getting one. I feel pressured to have children too, and I think my husband does a little as well. We're both fine if it happens, and fine if it doesn't, but it doesn't take away that pressure. It's just another goal in life we feel the need to chase, but also feel like we want to experience. I don't want children after 35 either. So hey, if it happens, great. If it doesn't, whatever. If I wind up not having kids, I'll probably just foster animals instead.

I see no real future. My whole life things around me might change slightly, usually after some really rough shitty patch of hell. But Im always poor, Im always fucked up mentally, I'm always just behind in life. Frankly if I didnt have my dogs I'd have just opted out of life by now. Im not going to do anything because my dogs need me, but I just feel miserable.

At this point its focus on getting through uni coz every day I want to quit, and every day is a fucking struggle. Hence my countdown, 2 weeks, 4 assignments, then one more subject next semester. Then I deal with trying to get a job/get my mental/physical health together/not live in a fucking half a garage.
Countdowns are what got me through. Every semester I would mark the last day of the semester and any finals and I'd keep track. Every week I would have a note saying "X weeks to go til the end of the semester!" It helped a lot. Doing other things in my life besides just school helped a lot too. I can't stand focusing solely on school all the time, I hated the work so much honestly. Projects weren't bad, I enjoyed them the most actually because working with my hands and doing my own research is where I got my best grades and it didn't feel like menial bullshit. Textbooks and reading and testing on memorization can go to hell. It's a bullshit way of teaching honestly and the system needs to change. I always made sure, between work and school, that I made time to play video games or watch TV or did some cooking and baking. I always made time for things I enjoyed doing, and more than just an hour a day. It's what kept me sane and kept me from wallowing too much.

When school is over for you, I hope you take an entire week or two and just enjoy yourself. Seriously. Enjoy the freedom, play video games or watch TV or whatever else you like doing. Set a day two weeks ahead or whatever and that day is the day you have to start job hunting or organizing finances or something to start the ball rolling on all the important adult-life things, and keep doing it until you land something. When I graduated I think I took about 3 days off and hung out with friends, we went to a museum and went out to eat, then when I was home I'd watch TV and did some baking. Then the following Monday was my day to go back to work full-time and start earning money. Setting goals is important, even if they're small. Because when you don't you wind up wallowing and not knowing what to do with yourself. I've been struggling with this again for the last month. It's been hard, but I'm getting there. I know you'll get there too.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
I completely understand. I'm currently feeling that way too, and I've been out of college for over a year now. It took me 5 years to finish my bachelors. For those 5 years I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do and I couldn't wait to get out. Now I'm left with no job after the one I chased didn't end up being what I thought it was, and the person I knew that placed me in said job wasn't who I thought they were. It ended up being a really shitty situation and I'm still feeling guilty and angry by it. It wasn't my fault, and I still don't regret any decisions I've made thus far. I just have to somehow work with what I have. Job hunting is hard, I wish you luck. I've recently come with a new lead on a job this week. It's a temporary summer position, back in food production, but food production and working with machines is seemingly where I tend to do pretty damn good work, funny enough. Maybe search for temporary positions near you, even if it has nothing to do with your education or field of study, just to fill in the gaps of your prior work experience. Despite what was shoved down our throats in college and school here, your education or where you went to school, your GPA, none of that matters unless you're trying to get into some top notch job in a STEM field. Work experience and who you know is key and will get you farther than your piece of paper ever will, imo. Your degree is just proof that you put in the work to earn it. It's that WORK - both physical and the work put in with networking - that'll determine whether people want you or not. Sucks I kinda learned that the hard way, spending the first couple years chasing A's, but I didn't learn it too late, and it's never too late to learn either.


I still feel behind in life too, trust me. I'm 27, spent a total of 7 years in college with only a BS and AS to show, currently unemployed and no job, no career, and about $16k in debt (I'm lucky I was able to pay off some loans. That's nothing compared to what most people spend here). People who typically spend that long in education already have their MS, or PhD if they're lucky, and have pretty damn good jobs. I haven't started my career, I don't know what my career will be now, if I even wind up getting one. I feel pressured to have children too, and I think my husband does a little as well. We're both fine if it happens, and fine if it doesn't, but it doesn't take away that pressure. It's just another goal in life we feel the need to chase, but also feel like we want to experience. I don't want children after 35 either. So hey, if it happens, great. If it doesn't, whatever. If I wind up not having kids, I'll probably just foster animals instead.


Countdowns are what got me through. Every semester I would mark the last day of the semester and any finals and I'd keep track. Every week I would have a note saying "X weeks to go til the end of the semester!" It helped a lot. Doing other things in my life besides just school helped a lot too. I can't stand focusing solely on school all the time, I hated the work so much honestly. Projects weren't bad, I enjoyed them the most actually because working with my hands and doing my own research is where I got my best grades and it didn't feel like menial bullshit. Textbooks and reading and testing on memorization can go to hell. It's a bullshit way of teaching honestly and the system needs to change. I always made sure, between work and school, that I made time to play video games or watch TV or did some cooking and baking. I always made time for things I enjoyed doing, and more than just an hour a day. It's what kept me sane and kept me from wallowing too much.

When school is over for you, I hope you take an entire week or two and just enjoy yourself. Seriously. Enjoy the freedom, play video games or watch TV or whatever else you like doing. Set a day two weeks ahead or whatever and that day is the day you have to start job hunting or organizing finances or something to start the ball rolling on all the important adult-life things, and keep doing it until you land something. When I graduated I think I took about 3 days off and hung out with friends, we went to a museum and went out to eat, then when I was home I'd watch TV and did some baking. Then the following Monday was my day to go back to work full-time and start earning money. Setting goals is important, even if they're small. Because when you don't you wind up wallowing and not knowing what to do with yourself. I've been struggling with this again for the last month. It's been hard, but I'm getting there. I know you'll get there too.

Im not too worried about the field I'd be searching coz I'd be searching generally anything that can fit with my mental health issues, its the lack of jobs and my minimal experiences and references (2 of my former references died!) that im concerned about. Im ok enough financially coz Im already on jobseeker payments after the usual system shit took me off the student payments. Its also the lack of getting a good enough job to get my own place that concerns me. The kid front cant even be considered until I have better living conditions so its a deadline that weighs on me but its also one I cant deal with until I've dealt with the others first.

Countdowns and lists are the only thing getting me through uni. Right now I have a list of everything left in the semester, then its about a month of uni holidays before next semester which will only be one subject so will be much easier to deal with really. I try to take time to relax and refresh but I usually end up feeling too guilty to enjoy it (or other mental health shit gets in the way of me enjoying it)

Yeah I'll definitely be taking a little break after uni ends, as much as I can with jobseeker obligations that is. I cant wait til its over but im also anxious about the next step and its stresses xD. At least I've adapted to the uni stresses by now.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Day 4 of immense back pain. Its so bad I'd have taken myself to the doctors but I cant actually drive with the pain. Im not even sure why it hurts, I woke up with intense pain over the top left quarter of my back, I've been taking the painkillers I have and they arent doing much more than maybe taking the edge off. I tried cool pack sand heat packs and both made it much worse.. I've also tried this heat cream which isnt making it worse but idk if its helping. The pain has stayed at the same level of pain but the area is getting smaller - though slowly.

Aside from the horrible pain its also meant I cant do the uni work, I have 3 essays left to write but typing hurts like hell, this post alone is taking much longer than it usually would coz I keep having to stop (but I wanted to vent). The essays are due on the 14th, 15th and 18th so I still have a little bit of time, but they are big essays and I havent started any of them and with this pain I cant even begin them. I just wanted to get the stupid semester over with and now its being slowed down by horrible bloody back pain.
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
Top left quarter of your back, perhaps it's a pinched nerve? I get those in my neck thanks to my lovely poor posture, they're so painful. I find heat is what works best, and massaging the area. Maybe the alternating cold and hot kind of irritated things, so maybe just stick with warm compresses? Have you tried soaking in a bath with some epsom salts or bath salts? Absorption of those minerals from soaking in the bath might help too. Just throwing ideas out there because back pain is no fun! :( Hope you feel better!
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Top left quarter of your back, perhaps it's a pinched nerve? I get those in my neck thanks to my lovely poor posture, they're so painful. I find heat is what works best, and massaging the area. Maybe the alternating cold and hot kind of irritated things, so maybe just stick with warm compresses? Have you tried soaking in a bath with some epsom salts or bath salts? Absorption of those minerals from soaking in the bath might help too. Just throwing ideas out there because back pain is no fun! :( Hope you feel better!

Thanks, Im pretty sure its from either sleeping in a bad position (coz the damn dogs hog the bed extra bad in the cold weather) or its from holding one of the dogs for hours (to stop her squashing my head in my sleep xD). I get a pinched nerve every now and then coz I have terrible posture as well, and I dont exercise enough (at all really lol) but this is pain longer and more intense then theyve ever been.

I didnt alternate the hot and cold, I tried a heat pack first and it put me in so much pain I considered an ambulance, I tried cold a little later in desperation and it just made it throb painfully. Unfortunately I am too tall for our bath and tbh I worry that I wouldnt be able to climb out with the back pain so I havent tried a bath (and dont have bath salts). At this point Im pretty much just taking painkillers and trying to fin dthe least painful position and hoping it goes away. Though Im still trying the muscle cream stuff so maybe it'll heal up soon.
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member



Its been a rough week but this post was a bit of a balm after a stressful day...

My back is finally better and I really need to get started on those essays tonight... Its almost 9pm on the 12th and the essays are due on the 14th/15th and 18th so I HAVE to make myself work on them
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
2 essays done... 1 more essay to go. The essay is a very simple concept but the word count is gonna make it frustrating af. Its 2000 words on a question that I'd struggle to write 1000 words on. But since I just finished writing a 1500 word essay tonight im giving myself a break for the rest of the night and tomorrow. This last essay isnt due til the 18th so I'll start it on the 16th :LOL:

One last essay and then I'm on mid year break for a few weeks. Next semester is just one subject, the photography capstone. Then I'll actually be done with uni and that fact is the only reason I didnt drop out this semester :LOL:
 

LoyalXenite

Well-known member
Just submitted my last assignment for the semester 🙌 I now have a wonderful month and a half-ish of uni break before my LAST damn semester of uni!! Bonus points to only having one subject left to do next semester too, photography capstoneeee 🙌
 

Phoenixx

Well-known member
I'd say she's about 80-90cms tall, she is currently on the bed curled up so I cant measure her but if I remeber when she is upright I'll get an accurate measurement
Tall girl. I thought my German Shepherd girl was lanky, but she's about 50 - 60cm currently. She still has a little bit more growing to do, as she's only 9 1/2 months, but I don't think she'll get too much taller.
 
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