Phoenixx
Well-known member
Part 2
Which brings me to my somewhat monotonous voice. I've never been able to change the pitch in my voice very frequently. Like how some girls get so excited and get really high pitched and yell and whatever? Yeah not me. Never me. I can mimic these things and make fun of these things and joke around, but I actually have to really try. My voice has never really varied in pitch and it's always been soft. Speaking can be hard for me, especially with people I don’t know, because I’m always so focused on what to say rather than how to say it. Then as I’m saying it I constantly have to repeat things to people when talking with them because I’m either talking too softly and/or I’m not pronouncing my words properly and/or it just comes out all wrong. That's also part of the reason why I'm so self-conscious about my voice and don't always talk much. I cannot listen to myself on video or audio and I refuse to page anyone at work because of this too. More than once growing up, especially in my teens when everyone else's voices were changing and mine didn't much, I was teased relentlessly for "sounding like an old man" or sounding like a nerd talking about things and I once even got compared to Ben Stein. Yeah makes you feel really good about yourself doesn't it?
Talking to other people has always been difficult for me, but of course being bullied certainly didn't help matters any. As a little kid I actually didn't have a problem trying to play with others in school or in my neighborhood, but making friends was different because you actually had to get to know them and I couldn't really do that. I was also petrified of adults and those in authority. I could never talk to adults or look at them. Hell I was once punished by a teacher back in elementary school because I wouldn't talk to him. Each week he'd want me to tell him something that happened or what I did that week. All the other kids talked to him, but not me, and that made him feel bad. Or so he said. I remember towards the end of the school year he had a reward system where if each kid did something exceptional that was difficult for them, they'd be rewarded with extra activity time or something stupid like that. Of course mine was talking. I hated doing this little "exercise" every week and even though I got rewarded once, guess what? It didn't make me want to even talk to people more, it just made me resent talking to anyone. I still think of this punishment every now and then and wonder, “Are people really that offended by silence?”
Getting to know people and being comfortable with them is something that has continued to be difficult for me, especially as an adult. It takes me a good year to be comfortable around people I work with enough to try to joke around with them or even talk to them about anything in my life. And I have realized that the "comfort" I'm speaking of has more to do with understanding people through observation. It takes me a good year to observe people enough to understand their reactions and personalities and what they like and don't like to know what to say around them and try to be myself. It's a weird explanation. I'm not trying to say I have different personalities, but I have come to realize that I actually do mimic a lot, moreso now and not always being aware of it. My true self is very snarky, loves to joke around, and talk about all the nerdy things I enjoy, but I know a lot of people don't like this. So it takes time for me to assess what people do like and I tailor my own reactions to being more socially acceptable I guess you can say. I really don't know how to explain it without it sounding so fake, but I'm not a fake person. I just tend to mimic sometimes. It's not unusual for me to memorize quotes and one-liners from tv shows and movies I've watched and liked and use them in-person. Very few people have actually picked up on this and I enjoy it honestly lol. It sometimes makes talking and joking around easier with people.
I am still not very good at conversation though and never have been. If people partake in small talk with me, that's fine but I cannot carry a simple conversation very well to save my life which is probably why some people don't bother. Initiating a conversation? Forget it. I feel like people are weirdly against silence between two individuals too and I really don't know why. It's just quiet. It's not always awkward to me. Talking about my interests though, I try not to start those discussions because I know I'll never shut up about it. A coworker got to talking to me about cooking the other day. I could tell she enjoyed the conversation, but I know it wouldn't be something she'd want to talk about forever. I had to force myself to keep my mouth shut otherwise I would be going on and on about different materials for pots and pans and how those materials all conduct heat differently and how that works with different fuel types depending on the stove or cooking range you're using. Don't even get me started on recipes and cooking techniques. Oh my gosh.
Speaking with people one-on-one is obviously so much easier for me than speaking to multiple people. Even just speaking to two people at once will make me stumble over my words and make me feel incredibly self-conscious most of the time. I also have never been able to look people in the eyes. It's always something I've had to force. I can't even look my own family in the eye most of the time when I'm talking to them either. I also had an intense fear of getting my picture taken growing up and for a long time as a young adult. I was so self-conscious about my looks and being "ugly", but it also just freaked me out, I don't know why. There are very, very few photos of me as a little kid actually looking at the camera. I am always looking away or looking down. If I did look at the camera, I was squinting. I don’t know why (this was prior to my eyesight being shit like it is now). School picture days were absolute hell as you can imagine. Now I can take selfies and have pictures taken with not too much of a problem, thankfully. But it took a lot of my own work towards myself and my confidence to be comfortable with it. I still can't capture or watch videos of myself though. That still petrifies me to this day.
I have also always been a highly sensitive person. I remember when I was little, while I loved going to the movies, my mother would always have to pack cotton balls to take with her to put in my ears because the volume was just too much. I remember nearly crying and covering my ears the first time I experienced the movies and my mother -- always thinking ahead, smart lady -- tearing up cotton she brought and plugged in my ears. She knew I'd be sensitive to the noise even though little me didn't know anything about that. Certain textures have ALWAYS bothered me too. I am the only person that I know of that hate cucumbers and gags because of their texture. Water chestnuts and other similarly textured foods also make me gag. It just feels like styrofoam in my mouth and I cannot stand it. I also hate the feel of styrofoam, but not so much it makes me cringe. Not like velour or velvet or courdoroy. I refused to wear those materials when I was younger too. Velour especially. Oh my god it makes the hair stand up on my arms and makes me cringe and I cannot take it. Especially when you rub it the wrong way, ugh. *shudders* Today at the hair salon, a woman was wearing velour pants and I could not help but keep looking at them. Not because they were kind of ugly, but because I could not get the sensation out of my head of what they must feel like and I got so tense thinking about it. I feel like a crazy person typing that, but between that and hair dryers going and people talking, it was a lot of noises and sensations that left me feeling quite tense. I was so relieved when most of everyone that was in there finished with their appointments before I was finished with mine. I got some peace and quiet in the salon prior to leaving.
I have more characteristics that I share according to various female autism checklists, but I think this post has gotten long enough for now. I’m not currently looking to pursue a diagnosis, especially given how hard it would be to do so in my area anyways. But this is definitely something I want to look into and investigate more about myself and maybe post more about in the future. If you read this whole thing, thank you for hearing me out and seeing what I have to say.
Which brings me to my somewhat monotonous voice. I've never been able to change the pitch in my voice very frequently. Like how some girls get so excited and get really high pitched and yell and whatever? Yeah not me. Never me. I can mimic these things and make fun of these things and joke around, but I actually have to really try. My voice has never really varied in pitch and it's always been soft. Speaking can be hard for me, especially with people I don’t know, because I’m always so focused on what to say rather than how to say it. Then as I’m saying it I constantly have to repeat things to people when talking with them because I’m either talking too softly and/or I’m not pronouncing my words properly and/or it just comes out all wrong. That's also part of the reason why I'm so self-conscious about my voice and don't always talk much. I cannot listen to myself on video or audio and I refuse to page anyone at work because of this too. More than once growing up, especially in my teens when everyone else's voices were changing and mine didn't much, I was teased relentlessly for "sounding like an old man" or sounding like a nerd talking about things and I once even got compared to Ben Stein. Yeah makes you feel really good about yourself doesn't it?
Talking to other people has always been difficult for me, but of course being bullied certainly didn't help matters any. As a little kid I actually didn't have a problem trying to play with others in school or in my neighborhood, but making friends was different because you actually had to get to know them and I couldn't really do that. I was also petrified of adults and those in authority. I could never talk to adults or look at them. Hell I was once punished by a teacher back in elementary school because I wouldn't talk to him. Each week he'd want me to tell him something that happened or what I did that week. All the other kids talked to him, but not me, and that made him feel bad. Or so he said. I remember towards the end of the school year he had a reward system where if each kid did something exceptional that was difficult for them, they'd be rewarded with extra activity time or something stupid like that. Of course mine was talking. I hated doing this little "exercise" every week and even though I got rewarded once, guess what? It didn't make me want to even talk to people more, it just made me resent talking to anyone. I still think of this punishment every now and then and wonder, “Are people really that offended by silence?”
Getting to know people and being comfortable with them is something that has continued to be difficult for me, especially as an adult. It takes me a good year to be comfortable around people I work with enough to try to joke around with them or even talk to them about anything in my life. And I have realized that the "comfort" I'm speaking of has more to do with understanding people through observation. It takes me a good year to observe people enough to understand their reactions and personalities and what they like and don't like to know what to say around them and try to be myself. It's a weird explanation. I'm not trying to say I have different personalities, but I have come to realize that I actually do mimic a lot, moreso now and not always being aware of it. My true self is very snarky, loves to joke around, and talk about all the nerdy things I enjoy, but I know a lot of people don't like this. So it takes time for me to assess what people do like and I tailor my own reactions to being more socially acceptable I guess you can say. I really don't know how to explain it without it sounding so fake, but I'm not a fake person. I just tend to mimic sometimes. It's not unusual for me to memorize quotes and one-liners from tv shows and movies I've watched and liked and use them in-person. Very few people have actually picked up on this and I enjoy it honestly lol. It sometimes makes talking and joking around easier with people.
I am still not very good at conversation though and never have been. If people partake in small talk with me, that's fine but I cannot carry a simple conversation very well to save my life which is probably why some people don't bother. Initiating a conversation? Forget it. I feel like people are weirdly against silence between two individuals too and I really don't know why. It's just quiet. It's not always awkward to me. Talking about my interests though, I try not to start those discussions because I know I'll never shut up about it. A coworker got to talking to me about cooking the other day. I could tell she enjoyed the conversation, but I know it wouldn't be something she'd want to talk about forever. I had to force myself to keep my mouth shut otherwise I would be going on and on about different materials for pots and pans and how those materials all conduct heat differently and how that works with different fuel types depending on the stove or cooking range you're using. Don't even get me started on recipes and cooking techniques. Oh my gosh.
Speaking with people one-on-one is obviously so much easier for me than speaking to multiple people. Even just speaking to two people at once will make me stumble over my words and make me feel incredibly self-conscious most of the time. I also have never been able to look people in the eyes. It's always something I've had to force. I can't even look my own family in the eye most of the time when I'm talking to them either. I also had an intense fear of getting my picture taken growing up and for a long time as a young adult. I was so self-conscious about my looks and being "ugly", but it also just freaked me out, I don't know why. There are very, very few photos of me as a little kid actually looking at the camera. I am always looking away or looking down. If I did look at the camera, I was squinting. I don’t know why (this was prior to my eyesight being shit like it is now). School picture days were absolute hell as you can imagine. Now I can take selfies and have pictures taken with not too much of a problem, thankfully. But it took a lot of my own work towards myself and my confidence to be comfortable with it. I still can't capture or watch videos of myself though. That still petrifies me to this day.
I have also always been a highly sensitive person. I remember when I was little, while I loved going to the movies, my mother would always have to pack cotton balls to take with her to put in my ears because the volume was just too much. I remember nearly crying and covering my ears the first time I experienced the movies and my mother -- always thinking ahead, smart lady -- tearing up cotton she brought and plugged in my ears. She knew I'd be sensitive to the noise even though little me didn't know anything about that. Certain textures have ALWAYS bothered me too. I am the only person that I know of that hate cucumbers and gags because of their texture. Water chestnuts and other similarly textured foods also make me gag. It just feels like styrofoam in my mouth and I cannot stand it. I also hate the feel of styrofoam, but not so much it makes me cringe. Not like velour or velvet or courdoroy. I refused to wear those materials when I was younger too. Velour especially. Oh my god it makes the hair stand up on my arms and makes me cringe and I cannot take it. Especially when you rub it the wrong way, ugh. *shudders* Today at the hair salon, a woman was wearing velour pants and I could not help but keep looking at them. Not because they were kind of ugly, but because I could not get the sensation out of my head of what they must feel like and I got so tense thinking about it. I feel like a crazy person typing that, but between that and hair dryers going and people talking, it was a lot of noises and sensations that left me feeling quite tense. I was so relieved when most of everyone that was in there finished with their appointments before I was finished with mine. I got some peace and quiet in the salon prior to leaving.
I have more characteristics that I share according to various female autism checklists, but I think this post has gotten long enough for now. I’m not currently looking to pursue a diagnosis, especially given how hard it would be to do so in my area anyways. But this is definitely something I want to look into and investigate more about myself and maybe post more about in the future. If you read this whole thing, thank you for hearing me out and seeing what I have to say.
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Mr. Phoenixx and I are already discussing what to do for our time off in January and we're actually talking about going to San Diego. Definitely not decided yet, but it's exciting to think about.
)
