lack of privacy

[LazyHermitCrab]

I've come to find that close relationships means less privacy. I have an amazing boyfriend/fiancé and I think we will be together for many years. I just have this issue with having someone looking at what I do online. I do look up stuff online that I wouldn't want everyone to see. I'd never cheat and I'm not talking to other guys, etc. It's just that today for instance he suddenly takes my phone and says he wants to add updates to it. When he's doing this, things pop up like history even though I delete this he finds a way to get it back. Not everything I look up is weird, but I'm afraid when we will live together I won't be able to research whatever I want. An example is that I've watched a couple gay drama movies and I'm not gay and don't want him to think so because of that. Sometimes a best friend will grab my phone suddenly and it pisses me off too, but I have a lock on my phone. My bf does know it though, and just must know if I change it. He lets me look at his phone, but I don't want to look through it because it makes me feel like he will look through my stuff more and I don't want to read his conversations and get potentially mad. The only thing I can think of is going to a library to do my research. I just don't think anyone needs to know absolutely everything. Maybe I'm overreacting??

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Hmmmm......We all look up strange stuff on the internet. I can see how that could be really embarrassing! But, if you're going to get married to him.......does it really matter if he knows? If he would judge or criticize you, then he probably isn't the right guy to marry. Maybe I'm being naive or (since it's been a while) I forgot how important privacy is in a relationship...I don't know. Maybe I'm being a hopeless romantic where two people know everything about each other. :idontknow:

......Anyway, You're entitled to your privacy though.

 

[SpaceGhost]

I don't think you are overreacting. I hate it when someone wants to look through my phone or the history on my computer. Like you I have nothing to hide, but I don't want every little thing I do to be exposed for people to see. You should let him know that you don't want him looking at your phone or though your computer without your permission; he should be able to respect that. If there is trust in the relationship I don't think he would worry about you trying to hide something.

 

[paperie]

I'm the same way, even if I'm not doing anything freaky.....I just really like my privacy. I think part of it is the fact I used to have someone in my life who would try to snoop at everything I did, so it made me sensitive about it. I'd be super embarrassed if someone saw the weird things that I google too. Like they said above, you should just tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable to have him go through your phone/history, even if you don't have anything to hide. He should be understanding.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

After reading other comments, I agree. If it makes you uncomfortable, just tell him. Communication is key for a successful relationship.

 

[jaim38]

First, he'll be looking at your phone, and when you guys get married one day, he'll have access to your bank account username and password. Where do you draw the line? I think you and your boyfriend need to determine how much privacy (and transparency) you guys are willing to accept. Everyone needs privacy, even loving couples. I agree that communication is key.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

All the comments are very helpful. I just don't wanna hurt his feelings and say not to look at certain things. It could lead to him wanting to look more or maybe that's just how I'd take it. I'm not sure how to communicate this lol. How's, "so privacy, a lil is okay, even loving couples do this (thank you jaim38 ) lets plan this." Please write down what stuff you like private?

 

[Hellhound]

I don't agree with him looking through your stuff, but I also don't agree that a close relationship means a lack of privacy. If you guys can't give each other your personal spaces, then something is seriously wrong.

And you shouldn't feel bad about your likes. If he is a smart guy and he loves you, he's not going to judge you if he happens to find something. He's your mate, not a stranger.

 

[Lea]

Why doesn´t he just use his phone, laptop, you yours. I don´t think I´d ever let people use mine. Even though once I was in an employment and 2 coworker girls came for a visit to use my laptop, because they didn´t have their own. I did let them, but I wouldn´t like anyone to use it regulary, even people close to me. Let them just have their own..

 

[Flanscho]

Well, first, I think it would be very weird for someone to think that another person is gay just for watching a few movies involving gay people. If I watch a movie with a female main actor, does that make me female too? oO

That being said: the most important thing in a relationship is, in my opinion, communication. If he picks up your phone and does stuff with it without asking you first, and you don't like that, tell him that.

I also think that it's a bit odd that you plan to marry without having lived together. I'd first move together, and then marry.

 

[Lea]

That being said: the most important thing in a relationship is, in my opinion, communication. If he picks up your phone and does stuff with it without asking you first, and you don't like that, tell him that.

I also think that it's a bit odd that you plan to marry without having lived together. I'd first move together, and then marry.

Agree with that.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Oh didn't mean to say marriage. We're engaged, but won't be married for awhile, as in a couple years. We wear rings though, so ppl will know we're in a committed relationship. I don't think living together before marriage is a good idea for a few reasons.
1. I feel like I'm giving away for free. Aka doing housework, etc. without a marriage commitment.
2. When you first live together it's considered a "honeymoon period." Guys mostly, some girls become too used to what they already have and decide marriage isn't necessary.
3. No marriage benefits (tax)

Unless you mean living together for a year at most first and if that doesn't work to either get married or ? I think that's okay, but not for a long time.

 

[jaim38]

All the comments are very helpful. I just don't wanna hurt his feelings and say not to look at certain things. It could lead to him wanting to look more or maybe that's just how I'd take it. I'm not sure how to communicate this lol. How's, "so privacy, a lil is okay, even loving couples do this (thank you jaim38 ) lets plan this." Please write down what stuff you like private?

Yes that's a good way to start. I'm sure your bf also has things that he wants to keep private. You could say "hey, let's have a talk about privacy. As a couple, we should share our lives with each other, but each person also needs his/her own privacy don't you agree?" Privacy is not secrecy.

 

[Rodrigue]

Hello, even if you are married to him you must have your "own private world" and "his provate world". Try talking to him about this issue, he certainly must not look at your history on computer, and pay attention if he have installed spy softwares such as keyloggers, then he is not a nice man, or he has no trust in you.

 

[anomicdeer]

Be careful with how he does this. It can get worse and only make it dangerous for you.

 

[Kiwong]

I have become concerned about the privacy of the internet. Strangers get to learn about out our internet history, not only friends.

I need to be able to escape constantly and be on my own. I couldn't stand being around someone constantly.

 

[doctor_who]

I think a relationship is about trust however sometimes people get the urges to look at someones phone. I trust my boyfriend with all my heart and soul, we've been together 2 years and we don't live together but when we meet up and hes left his phone beside me i check through his facebook and his messages but i find nothing, he knows he does it and gets really pissed off at me for doing it but i tell him its just cause i am a bit insecure, but usually we allow each other to look through each others stuff cause i don't have anything to hide, and neither does he. We are planning to live together soon so its good we both so relax at letting each other look through our facebook etc...he knows my passwords for everything so meh he can see whatever he wants and im okay with that!

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I think a relationship is about trust however sometimes people get the urges to look at someones phone. I trust my boyfriend with all my heart and soul, we've been together 2 years and we don't live together but when we meet up and hes left his phone beside me i check through his facebook and his messages but i find nothing, he knows he does it and gets really pissed off at me for doing it but i tell him its just cause i am a bit insecure, but usually we allow each other to look through each others stuff cause i don't have anything to hide, and neither does he. We are planning to live together soon so its good we both so relax at letting each other look through our facebook etc...he knows my passwords for everything so meh he can see whatever he wants and im okay with that!

Well I don't care if he has my Facebook password, text messages, and calls. I don't get a lot anyway lol. It's only browser history that I like to keep to myself. We've been together for 2 years too, cool anyway I understand what you mean by urges, but if there's no reason to feel that way then it can be ignored as well (the feeling of wanting to look).

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I have become concerned about the privacy of the internet. Strangers get to learn about out our internet history, not only friends.

I need to be able to escape constantly and be on my own. I couldn't stand being around someone constantly.

Yeah I've thought of this too. This guy at my work got fired for trying to hack into a managers computer. That's one of the reasons I don't really talk to someone unless I feel/know there safe to be friends with.

 

[vj288]

Well, as far as the immediate problem with the browser history, you can try using incognito for chrome or another browser that allows the settings to manipulate the history so it's not saved or deletes itself.

In regards to privacy in general, like a lot of people said it comes down to communication. Every relationship is different, some people like to tell the other person everything from what they had for breakfast to the color of their poo. Others prefer a lot more privacy and space from their significant other, and live like they're each secret agents, not knowing much about the other but feeling loved or safe, or whatever they are looking for in a relationship.

If privacy is something you want in a relationship, you should tell him. If he wants more openness, there may need to be some compromise. There is no right or wrong ways to have a relationship, you just have to communicate what you're looking for.