kind of a blog post... stressed

[dottie]

THIS IS A "BLOG" SKIP TO THE LAST PAGE TO READ MOST CURRENT POST.
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i don't know where to post this. i could blog this or something but people won't understand so i would rather not blog publicly about my socially unnacceptable weakness that is social anxiety. social phobia.

the past year i worked as a waitress. it was so hard because not only did i have to just swallow my social anxiety i had to learn the ropes and maintain a facade that i could handle it. i can't believe i actually did it. the whole time i worked there i could barely handle it. just when i felt like i was getting into the swing of the game (after a whole damn year of adjusting to it) the job came to an abrupt end. i haven't told anyone because i have too much pride but i got fired. i got fired because of an incredibly rude, unreasonable customer who complained about me. it happens but this time the manager (who is a total dick anyway) was in a bad mood so he fired me.

getting fired from this job left me with mixed feelings. i felt shocked and humiliated because this lowly, shithole of a place fired ME. i never thought i would be fired in my life! i am a hard, loyal worker and try my hardest to do the best job i can. at the same time of humiliation, i also felt liberated from a job that i loathed. i put up with so much SHIT at that place that i don't think anyone should have to tolerate. i put up with it because the pay was pretty good and the schedule worked around school perfectly. anyway, the job i struggled so hard to adapt to just came to an end.

it was a couple of weeks since then until i got a new job. during this inbetween time i got to relax, breathe, and de-stress. my skin cleared up, i had a refreshed look in my face, and i felt incredibly better physically and mentally.

well, cue the new job. i just got hired to be a server in a much nicer restaurant. i've only worked there for the past two days and the people are so much more classy, friendly, and the owner is very kind. but my anxiety is killing me. it is through the roof. i am so anxious about this job that i cannot sleep without being woken up by worry and stress. my face is starting to break out again and i look awful. i have to learn an entire new menu, new computer system, and begin new very socially interactive relationships with many coworkers all while being watched and judged. it is just part of the job description that your performance will be watched (and judged) by the restaurant patrons, your coworkers, and bosses. i am on center stage. everyone is waiting, watching me, to see if i will be good enough. the pressure is unbarable.

i am amazed that i worked as a server for an entire year. the coworkers i had at my previous job were onto me. they could tell it was very challenging for me but they were friendly about it. sometimes i think the only reason they let me work at that job so long is because the restaurant had low standards. there were a few questionable employees (drugs and whatnot). maybe they felt sorry for me and saw that i was at least trying despite my obvious challenges. but finally they had an excuse to let me go.

i feel like i am in the wrong field of work. obviously i am! i am a ****ing socialPHOBE. i am batshit crazy to force myself into this. the reason i chose this field is because of the flexible schedule to work around school and the money is much better than if i were working as a receptionist somewhere for minimum wage. $8 an hour is nothing where i live!

i don't know what to do. i guess i should hang in there and bare the humiliation of ****ing up being the new person and making myself look like an ass. the thing is that i think it takes a lot longer for me to adjust to the job than most people because of my social anxiety. it is very consuming and distracting from things like learning routines, the menu, wines, whatever. i just don't want to let these people down. i want to seem strong, reseliant, and make them excited that they hired me. i don't want such nice people who own this restaurant to watch me fail when i go to a table and slur and stutter because i am pissing my pants when i have to take a table's order. it is humiliating. but i need the money.

maybe i should drop out of school so that i could get a 9-5 job that is less stress, less pay, but more stable. i don't know what kind of jobs are out there that are less stressful. data entry of some sort, maybe. i am so behind in college already that i don't want to stop taking classes and further put myself behind. i really don't know what to do.

my fears are so extreme and intrusive but my fears are so socially unacceptable that i cannot talk about them. i am really good at a lot of things in life but because i have social phobia all those things are void of worth since i am automatically a douchebag. it's not something to talk about or wear like a badge if you ever want peoples' respect- even online.

if anyone reads this... if anyone has advice... or a similar experience... please share. i feel very alone and i cannot share my weaknesses with others like my family or friends. these weaknesses are so obvious, apparent, and intrusive in my worklife. i find it extremely humiliating.

also, i want to add that i am in my late twenties and living at home. it allows me to go to school. i would like to move out on my own but i find my worklife to be so unstable that financially it is not an option. yeah, i worked the past year as a server but now i am starting a new job. i don't know how long this will last because of the stress of it all- i don't know if i can endure becoming a server again. either i will crumble or they will let me go because of my weakness. becoming a server is so hard socially because the entire staff of the restaurant watches you with bated breath while you are juggling social phobia. they don't understand and they think you are just mentally retarded. god that is so awful. as you can tell my self confidence is at 0. maybe even in the negatives.

i know this is tl;dr but maybe someone did. i would appreciate any thoughts... just to know i'm not alone. thanks.[/i]

 

[ripewithdecay]

You need to chill out a bit and not be thinking so much. Everyone knows what's its like going through when you're just starting a new job, everyone including people without SP.
Although I can imagine it's harder with the line of work you've chose, I still think it applies. Just take it easy. Nobody's going to say anything if you mess up, because they did too at some point.
Don't try so hard when you're at work, you'll exhaust yourself and that will really make the SA worse. Just run on neutral and accept whatever comes your way and just breath and roll with it.
If the previous place was as bad as it sounds how much worse can this be?
When im in a job that causes a lot of anxiety for me, especially a new one, i just keep reminding myself that i have the choice to walk out whenever I want, and the job is temporary. Who cares about the money.

The least you care the better you'll do, honestly. Don't revolve your entire world around this one thing, it's just a job. Heck, dare to think it might turn out good

 

[Moonie]

I would say that work is my biggest obstacle that I face with SA. I am worried about contacting an employee, interviews, and the actual work itself.

Yes, I think it will always be a little more difficult for us. But, you also have to congratulate yourself for trying -- especially in a job where there is a lot of social interaction. My best advice, as simple and 'easier said than done' is to just try not to worry about it too much. Try your best to really please your customers. Make sure you know the menu well. And I would say NOT to worry too much about your co-workers or bosses watching you. Just pretend they aren't there. Really focus on waiting. And look at yourself as a food connesseur - if you will. Perhaps you can suggest good dishes to the guests. Smile. And just be pleasant. That's really the big thing. And I think your good attitude will leave the customers with a good attitude.

If you really hate the job, then seek another flexible one (just so you can get through college and have some money coming in..) Even if the pay is less, I think it's better to feel more comfortable and happy. But still. Give this one some time first. It sounds like a better environment. So, you might warm to it. And with time, you become more comfortable all around. I think the interactions you will have with the customers will allow you to even break out of your SA a bit. So keep at it - if even to help you become more comfty with socialization

 

[dottie]

i know it's been awhile but thanks for the replies.

i am going to post here because i just want to get it out of my head. bleh.

today was a shitty day. i was at work and fucked up a few times. the first fuck up was when they sat us some customers. there was a table of 3 in the corner and a table with a party. well, i thought the other waitress had helped the 3-top already so i took the party that sat down. mistake. the 3-top had been sitting there for at least 2 minutes before the party came in and the other waitress had not helped them yet. i felt kind of bad but then she told me the owner's mother was sitting at the 3-top which i had skipped. so, this does not make me look good.

the second fuck up was a lady ordered a turkey sandwhich and complained that the turkey had pepper in it. well, she already ate half of it and wanted me to box up the rest to go. i explained to her that the past six months they started using a pepper in the turkey. she said it should mention that on the menu so i told her i would talk to them about adding a note on the menu that the turkey has pepper in it. well, she called the restaurant to complain to the owner. ugh.

fuck you. when i asked if your fucking MEAL WAS GOOD you should have complained to me then so i could have gotten you something else instead of eating half of it and waiting to complain until the meal was over.

i hate people.

so, yeah. i looked bad today. i know i'm new and all but these are petty mistakes. i have been a server for a year and i know to take customers in the order that they come in and to talk to the manager if there is a complaint about the food. i was afraid to mention anything to the owner about the food because i am afraid of talking to the owner. she is really, really nice so i shouldn't have any hang ups but i get nervous, shaky, and tongue tied around authoritative figures. whatever. next time i will get the owner, no problem.

oh yeah. then the chef walked past me and made goofy retard noises at me a couple times. i don't know how to respond to that so i end up looking like... a retard. :/ i am not fit for public socialization. it is so humiliating and stressful. i am not cut out to interact with other human beings. i want to carry my own weight in this world and i try. but i feel so socially inept that i don't want to even be around others. it is too painful.

 

[dottie]

i have to leave for work in a few minutes. i really don't want to go. i don't want to deal with 34567 people observing my performance. i see the post that talks about hiding. hiding is exactly what i want to do. i hope the owners aren't there. i hope there isn't many staff there. i am so stressed. i don't want to talk to or deal with anyone today at all. but... here i go. :*(

 

[dottie]

i drank a glass of wine to sooth the nerves and shed a few tears before forcing myself out the door to head to work. work sucked tonight.

so, people are being seated in the dining room. as they walk past me i say hello to them. one of them looked familliar but i didn't think anything of it. well, the owner of the restaurant comes up to me and says that a good friend of his sitting at one of the tables went to high school with me. oh fuck. FUCK. that is the girl who made fun of me in high school. she and her girlfriends would drive past me and bark like a dog- things like that for no good reason. i mustered the balls and looked over. she was expectantly glancing at me so i felt obligated to go over and say hi since she was the owner's good friend and all. i put on a big fake smile and went and said hello. i asked her what she was up to, what she did. she said she worked for some company. then she introduced me to her husband, said that we graduated together. then she quickly turned to the lady next to her and started talking to her, suddenly ignoring my presence. um... ok. so you think you are too good to make polite conversation with me? i just walked away at that. and she is still a bitch.

 

[dottie]

the other day at work i was cleaning the window. on the outside i could see that a bird had flown into the window. you could see an incredibly detailed imprint of the bird, down to its beak and eye. it was beautiful. well, i pointed it out to my coworkers and i could hear them going into the other room making fun of me. obviously, i felt like a misfit.

where i see beauty in the world people see the mundane and think i am retarded for being so fascinated. i'm not trying to be pretentious. i thought they would think the bird imprint was neat, too. if i had known they would make fun of me i wouldn't have pointed it out.

i don't know why i even bother.

 

[Lea]

................

 

[dottie]

hey lea, thanks for your reply. i appreciate knowing others feel this way, too. i post here so much because i need to get it out somewhere and this is the only place anyone might understand. it is embarrassing. i don't talk about it to my boyfriend, friends, or family because they would never understand and tell me to just get over it. that's why i post so much here. really i just have all this inner turmoil i need to vent somewhere. this is the only place i can do it anonymously and feel relatively safe.

working with people sucks. i dread it. i dread the 5 hours of hell i will have to endure tonight. i cannot handle it. my coworkers wonder what is wrong with me. they can sense the pressure and that i am about to blow.

 

[dottie]

Dottie is it worth the money 2 U? I was having quite a stressfull job before which definitely was worth the money and I think I never find anything better paid, but waitresses usualy don´t earn much.. As far as I know it´s paid below the dog .. I myself don´t have an idea at all how is it going with my work in the future, at the moment now I´m going to travel and then I probably end up as a cleaner...

well, i have to pay for my car insurance, gas, bridge toll, school, food, clothes, etc... how else will i pay for it?

 

[Lea]

...............

 

[dottie]

I mean there are other jobs than this? I´d rather go cleaning than waitressing, because I know for my disorder this is something I couldn´t handle, at least not in the long run. Definitely not a way of life for a social phobic. I thought before that I should push myself into these things (exposure), but have learnt that it doesn´t make things better and doesn´t improve the disorder. I accepted that it will be like this the whole life and now I´m only trying to avoid social situations when I can and take on only what I can reasonably cope with..

you are totally right. i've submerged myself in the most social situations for the past year, dealing with thousands of people face to face, and it hasn't gotten any easier. i am as afraid of people now as i was when i started. maybe you are right that i should look for a job that i can cope with better. it's just hard finding something that will be flexible around my school schedule.

thanks for the advice!

 

[Lea]

..............

 

[dottie]

lea, i'm not offended. in fact, i have done cleaning before.

this is something i am paranoid about. i am afraid of going to counseling (despite the fact i have been hospitalized before so really it's too late, anyway) because i am afraid the US government will get ahold of my records and put my name on a list. i am afraid that one day there may be another WW2 with concentration camps and i will be on the list of invalids to be rid of.

sometimes i think they may read these posts and track my i.p. logically i know it probably isn't so. but it could be. i do believe everything posted on the internet is recorded and kept somewhere by the government for reference.

 

[Lea]

...............

 

[dottie]

i was only scheduled to work one day this week. it is incredible how different i feel when i do not have to work. if i have to work i feel so anxious that i am pretty much ill. since i don't have to work this week (well only one day) the anxiety is gone. it is a huge relief. i get anxious if i think about the day i will have to work- i don't even want to say which day because i don't want to think about it in my head and trigger any anxiety. but it has been an incredible difference. it feels like an immense weight has been lifted.

school started this week. i am not anxious about that. i can show up, attend, follow the schedule of work that i am expected to do and leave without any social obligation. i don't have to talk to anyone if i don't want to and i can leave whenever i want. i did experience anxiety on the first day (almost had an anxiety attack in class) but i staved it off.

while i feel great physically and mentally because i am not working this week, i do experience guilt. i know i SHOULD be working and earning my own. what if i didn't have the option of living at home? i am very lucky.

i would like to live on my own but i fear i will never be able to handle it. the pressure and anxiety of working is unbarable. it makes me sick, literally. how can i depend on a job for survival when i feel like i am about to crack?

 

[Argamemnon]

the pressure and anxiety of working is unbarable. it makes me sick, literally. how can i depend on a job for survival when i feel like i am about to crack?

I truly believe people like us shouldn't be dealing with people when working. Our quality of life will amount to nothing, if we have to deal with people at work, and experience this horrible stress and anxiety on a daily basis. Surely, there must be certain jobs that are suitable for us? I refuse to suffer like this!

 

[dottie]

when i get nervous i over-act. i act cheesy-fake but am totally awkward about it, stumbling over words, shaking, coming across as a mess. the closest thing i can think of would be george mcfly from back to the future. i don't intend to come across this way (obviously) but i am so overwhelmed with nervousness that i lose all composure and self control.

anyway, at work tonight i went to a table and after the interaction, when i walked away, i could hear them call me "crazy." then after i went back to check with them i could hear them laughing at me. they were laughing at my delivery and the way i come across, i'm not stupid. maybe i come across so disheveled or stupid that they think i won't catch on? i turned around and shot a dirty look but they didn't see it.

it's so humiliating. i wish i was calm and collected enough to come across just normal.

 

[dottie]

i feel trapped by school. i've been a student forever and i still have so much longer to go. really i am fortunate to be able to live at home while getting an education, but the truth is i don't think my mom wants me to live here. i can't blame her and i don't really want to be living here, either. i get tired of the judgement and nagging (that's why most people move out on their own, right) but this living arrangement is the only way that allows me to stay in school. i also feel trapped by work. it is the only position that allows me to schedule conveniently around school. do i really have to wait tables for another 5 years? ugh.

lately i feel so frustrated and angry. batshit crazy angry. today i cussed out some lady in public. the fact is i flew off the handle- totally batshit i couldn't contain myself, i was shaking. really, the situation did not call for such uncontrolled emotional rage, but it's like i have no self control when it comes to emotions. i wish i could control my emotions and come across as cool, calm, and collected. i really overreacted and i don't like myself to be seen in that light. it was awful. i wish i could have shut off my emotions and have acted gracefully but i'm a total fucking asshole.

here is what happened:

i was leaving a store, got in my car, started slowly backing out of a parking spot. i routinely looked behind me to my right, behind me to my left and started backing out. suddenly a big suv is right behind me (coming from the right- which i had just checked) so obviously i stop pulling out. i didn't have to slam on my brakes because i was going so slowly, i just stopped so that the suv could continue on. instead of continuing on the suv doesn't move, it stays parked right there on the spot so that i can't leave, and blares it's horn as if i didn't already stop. uh... what the hell? why are they playing games? why don't they more their suv? "fucking ass fucking hole!" i yelled in my car. this lady from the suv walks up to my window. she had a pen and paper in her hand- as if i had hit her vehicle and we were about to trade information! as if there was some sort of traffic accident! wtf is she doing? anyway, i rolled down my window and she goes, "did you just call me an asshole?" and i said, "yes i did!" at this point, since she trapped my vehicle and was getting confrontational when i didn't do anything wrong i started shaking with rage and could not control my emotions! she's like, "did you even look to see if anyone was coming?" i told her, "yeah, i did! there was no one there until you came flying around the corner!" i asked her to move her suv because i was trying to leave, not to mention she was backing up a bunch of traffic behind her. she shut up and walked back to her suv. as she was walking back i threw some cuss words her way. she drove off and the guy behind her gave me a friendly wave and let me out. he was probably confused, too.

really, i don't know if my reaction was in the right or wrong. but why would she trap my car in a parking space, honk, get out of her vehicle, and come up to my window to yell at me when i didn't do anything wrong? i don't get it. i felt like i was being attacked for no reason and went into flight or fight mode. "flight" was not an option so i turned to "fight!" i totally overreacted but i felt like i had absolutely no control of my emotional response. everything was totally on automatic. my mind was gone.

i don't know. sometimes i feel like i have no reasonable perspective during and after situations. was it totally unreasonable of me to react that way? :/ part of me thinks she deserved it. you don't just trap and confront someone when they didn't do anything wrong. part of me says that i am an uncontrollable, rage-aholic asshole.

and these are the circles that go round and round in my mind like a broken record!

 

[dottie]

obsessive thoughts are trapped in my head. thoughts about things that happened over a decade ago. like anyone in the world still cares!

tonight for some reason i had a flashbackof a memory from about 10 years ago. this person took me to a park and was teaching me how to fist fight. at the time i didn't understand why. i'm a very quiet, non-violent person, i hate fights! at the time i thought it was random, cool even, but i never thought anything of it again. but tonight, 10 years later out of the blue i had a realization that this person was teaching me because he knew i was about to get jumped. in fact, this person had specifically framed me for the purpose of getting me jumped.

i never got jumped but i was definitely hated. if there was the chance, i would have been jumped. i always knew that part. i figured out a long time ago that he had conned/framed me.

anyway, this guy had gone out of his way to befriend and frame me. it was in order to make me look bad, make someone else look like a victim (which i admit, he was), and really piss off a few other people at the same time. i was so naive i don't understand how i couldn't see through this person's agenda.

how could i have been so stupid to go along with it, to not see through it?
how could i have been so sheltered to not consider the ramifications of my actions?
why did it take me so long after the event to understand that i was, in fact, conned?

that is what we call mild retardation, friends! i mean no one in their right mind could be so dumb to be manipulated like that, unless they're a fucking retard. literally.

and how could one person be so evil to go out of their way to reel me in like that with such malicious intent? that is some sick shit.

when it was happening i did not have the scope to consider that my actions would affect anyone else. i didn't think there was anyone else in the picture! but apparently there was. at the time everything seemed harmless. i am sorry for my part in the event and have definitely learned from the experience. since then i have established values that weren't there before and i consider the bigger picture in anything i do.

i suppose what haunts me is that i was conned and it took me years after the fact just to figure that out! no one knew about it (except for those few immediately affected who were people i was not in contact with) so i did not have the outside perspective that a friend may offer. what if it happens again? what if someone falsely befriends me for evil doing?

i feel like i am a better judge of character now. i have a better grasp of the bigger picture than before. but what took me so long to figure out that i was blatantly conned? did i just need to live a lot of life to learn how things work first before it would piece together? or am i that mentally incompetant?

it scares me that it took me so long to figure it all out. it makes me feel so vulnerable and untrusting. my perspective is so skewed i can't figure out if it is mild retardation or if it is just being naive/sheltered.

oh yeah, and it didn't take 10 years to figure out i was conned. more like 5 years? i blocked most of it out for a long time. but tonight i just had a flashback of the guy teaching me to fight. i had totally forgot about that. when i envisioned it tonight it occurred to me that he was preparing me for what i didn't know what was happening at the time: that i was about to get my ass kicked (although it never came to be) and it was all part of his plan. i was totally oblivious during that moment in time. thinking of it really infuriated me and it sparked obsessive thoughts. blah.