Just saying hi to random girls, worth it?

[Quietguy11]

I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm in the same boat. I am TERRIBLE when it comes to opening up or trying to talk to the opposite sex. Mainly because I feel like I have nothing to contribute. I can't hold up conversations very well because I'm painfully introverted and shy, so going up to a girl and talking to her for anymore than a few seconds is out of the question completely. I think the key is to take some kind of behavioral therapy course or something. Develop confidence, learn to speak in groups, all that may contribute to our ability to speak to girls more confidently. Good luck!

 

[AGR]

I think so,I want to do this too,but definitely ask for a number,and/or ask to go somewhere else if you want to see her again like someplace to eat,if its only to build confidence it's ok,been wondering this too lately,definitely want to do it but its hard because besides the usual troubles I would have to do it in Japanese,what are some subjects that We could bring up?
I feel like I am missing out,when I go out so many beautiful girls around....
Ladies opinions would be welcome too,basically out in the street and shopping the only things I can think of is to ask her name and ask her to eat at some place,like I think you are cute,I would like to know you better (or something like that),or smile if she smiles back I go back to her ask her name and same as above,does anybody have more ideas?

 

[Labyrinthine]

This reminds me of a story my uncle told me. He had a golden retriever when he was about my age (20) that he would take on walks. Apparently, women approached him like crazy due to the dog. My uncle even had a leash made with his phone number on it. Suprisingly this tactic worked.

I can say from experience that as a female, men do approach me when I have a dog with me. It's a rather easy conversation starter.

 

[myheartisastone]

It's all in the topic. Will doing this confer any benefit whatsoever?

The ultimate goal I suppose is to help me break down the barriers I have. I mean, I can't speak to the opposite sex, because I believe I come off as strange, vapid, and idiotic. Then if I can break down that barrier, then maybe I could meet a girl. I don't mean dating, though. (So call me shallow, I just want to "hook up" and that's it. I just want to get it over with, man!)

So I have a place I go to exercise 3-4x a week, I just go there to walk. Occasionally I will see decent-looking girls and I'll look at them, and sometimes but not often, they say "hi." I might say hi back, but it ends there. So the other question is, should I say anything besides "hi"? If so, what?

With everything like this, I *always* look for the risk. My mind finds many, but the most obvious is gaining a reputation for being "that strange guy who talks to girls who don't like him."

If you have any other simple ideas for breaking down the barrier I have, let me know.

If you want to say "hi" to girls to reap a "benefit", it might not always work in your favor.

After all, no one really owes you anything because you went "out of your way" to say hi them.

 

[Bronson99]

If you want to say "hi" to girls to reap a "benefit", it might not always work in your favor.

After all, no one really owes you anything because you went "out of your way" to say hi them.

By now, I realize that was a very foolish and idiotic thing to say. Don't take it to mean that I really am as selfish and shallow as my original post makes it to seem--I have no expectations that I'm owed anything. Things just don't work that way.. and spending some time on this forum and others, helps me to slowly defeat any twisted worldview I may have brought here, initially.

Although I think my blunt style of writing does me no favors, either.

 

[mnn]

Hey dudes. It's my first post here and this thread immediately caught my attention because I had the same problems that I fortunately overcame (I'm now able to talk with any woman I want with absolutely no problem). I'll try to reply to the first post and other posts of Bronson99. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask and I'll try to help.

Will doing this confer any benefit whatsoever?

Merely saying "hi" to girls is only the first step that I would recommend only to people who have no social confidence whatsoever. Since I guess you aren't so shy that you're afraid of saying hi back you should try something more difficult, that is start an actual conversation.

So the other question is, should I say anything besides "hi"? If so, what?

Yes, you should start talking with them!

You say you have a place where you go to exercise and some girls there say "hi" to you. Man, most shy guys only dream of such opportunities! If a girl says "hi" to you, it's super easy to start a conversation.

I personally like to start a conversation with the first simple thing/observation that comes up to my mind, e.g. "hey there, I saw you from over there and just couldn't pass the opportunity to talk with you. What are you up to?". If you're confident enough to start a conversation in a more direct way you can say something like "hey, I find you very sexy and I just have to get to know you. I'm XYZ".

I bet you're now thinking "okay, and what should I say later?". The second part (actual conversation after the opener) depends on the venue, response of the girl (some girls just don't want to talk, and that's okay - it's not your fault), things that she says, etc. Just to give you a simple idea here's an example of a conversation:

Girl: Hi!
Guy: Hi there! I saw you when I was walking on the treadmill and just had to get off it and find out more about you. I'm XYZ.
Girl: I'm ABC.
Guy: Nice to meet you, ABC. What are you up to, bench pressing 500 pounds?
Girl: Haha, no, I'm actually waiting for my personal yoga trainer.
Guy: That's cool! To be honest with you, I hate walking on the treadmill. Will yoga help me become as ripped as Jason Statham?
Girl: Haha, I doubt it, but you can try!
Guy: Definitely! What about you, why yoga?

and so on. Your goal now should be only to start a conversation and exchange at least a few sentences. If you're confident enough, ask for her number at the end. Don't make it a big deal - say something like "it was a pleasure talking with you, I would love to get to know you better. What's your phone number?". DON'T say "can I get your phone number?" or anything like that because it just sounds needy. Be a man and tell her to give you her number. If she refuses that's okay (don't take it personal), you can either keep talking and try again later or say bye and be on your way.

Try to instill in your mind that all these girls who say hi to you are BEGGING for your attention. They are so desperate to talk to you that they say hi first! I don't care if it sounds ridiculous or arrogant for you at this point. It's a mindset that you should develop in order to be able to talk with every girl.

The ultimate goal I suppose is to help me break down the barriers I have.

That's a good plan, taking it step by step is IMO the best way to go. However, you have to keep in mind that you should constantly do more challenging things.

I mean, I can't speak to the opposite sex, because I believe I come off as strange, vapid, and idiotic. Then if I can break down that barrier, then maybe I could meet a girl.

That's only your belief. Of course if you believe in it, you'll probably project it while talking with other people. That's why your job should be to talk to as many women as possible and focus on the conversation, not your beliefs. Keep in mind that the longer you hesitate after you see a girl you would like to get to know, the more excuses you'll come up with.

I don't mean dating, though. (So call me shallow, I just want to "hook up" and that's it. I just want to get it over with, man!)

I understand that some guys only want to have sex (especially virgins) but if you approach a girl with a desperate "I want to get it over with" belief, you'll come off as a desperate guy. Focus on talking with girls first. You can learn how to create sexual attraction later when you deal with your self-limiting beliefs.

With everything like this, I *always* look for the risk. My mind finds many, but the most obvious is gaining a reputation for being "that strange guy who talks to girls who don't like him."

Unless you live in a small town and do something really stupid you won't gain this kind of a reputation. You're a human being, and human beings are social creatures. If a girl doesn't want to talk to you, it's her problem, not yours. There are many other girls who will talk with you.

Eh, it's not like I would just meet this random girl at the park and the 2nd time I see her, I'd suggest that. I know it doesn't work like that.

But I'm hoping I might be able to "luck" into a situation. If I don't try, then I have zero chance, y'know?

It can work like that if you're very confident, but I wouldn't think about it now. As for luck, the harder you work, the luckier you are. You will create numerous opportunities when you simply start talking with girls who say hi to you. However, don't obsess over sex. Don't try to look for a meaningless one night stand just to get over with it. If you don't transform yourself, it won't make much of a difference.

But I thought it's a general rule, you cannot just ask for a girl's number after meeting her once.

And... what would make you think a girl would actually give me her number anyway? What girl--you tell me--would give their number to someone shy and awkward with low confidence?

Whose "rule" is it? How are you supposed to get a number if there's a "rule" stating that you have to meet her twice? What if you live in a big city? Your chances of meeting her again are slim to none. What if it was your perfect dream girl?

What would make a girl give you her number? The answer is simple: making her feel better in some way. If you forget about your beliefs that you're shy and awkward and focus on making her smile, I'll guarantee you that pretty soon one of the girls you'll talk to will give you her number.

Okay, this post is already too long. I hope it's helpful. If you have any other questions, feel free to ask.

 

[Bronson99]

Dear mmn,

Thanks for the response. I'm a bit flattered you chose to reply to me in such detail as your very first post.

You do sound like a confident person, though. Did you once have social anxiety and overcame it, or would you describe it more as a valiant effort to hide it, especially in situations where you're talking to women?

I would say some of your advice is usable for me, some of it is not, because I'm really very awkward... sometimes I can't even string a whole sentence together without pausing and starting again, and that's even when I'm talking to people I see every day who I'm comfortable with. Imagine attempting to talk to a stranger, esp. a girl--I think they would suspect I'm a bit "off." Women tend to be like that, they can observe minute details.

Perhaps you have some tailor-made advice for the "super awkward guy" who just can't help it? (If it makes any difference, I suspect I've got a little bit of Asperger's, or some other mild developmental issue.)

 

[spider04]

I always say hi to the lady cashiers.

 

[Kiwong]

Hi I'm weird, how about it?

 

[mnn]

You do sound like a confident person, though. Did you once have social anxiety and overcame it, or would you describe it more as a valiant effort to hide it, especially in situations where you're talking to women?

I was EXTREMELY shy. I couldn't talk to girls at all and always had excuses to avoid any interactions with females. I was your typical weird shy guy. At school I had some male friends I followed everywhere because I didn't want to look awkward sitting alone all the time.

My transition was something like this: weird shy guy paralyzed by a thought of talking with a girl > outsider (no longer that shy, I "accepted" that I'm a loner but tried being more confident with some results) > fairly confident guy (talking with women wasn't difficult but I couldn't approach them) > full confidence. I now don't have any problems with shyness and I was told by many women that I'm very confident (I'm not saying it to brag, I just want to show you what is possible). Keep in mind that it took me several years of hard work to achieve this level but I had to figure it all out for myself and most results came when I set a goal to directly approach 50 women in the street (basically telling them all in a direct way that I'm interested in them).

I would say some of your advice is usable for me, some of it is not, because I'm really very awkward... sometimes I can't even string a whole sentence together without pausing and starting again, and that's even when I'm talking to people I see every day who I'm comfortable with.

Why do you have a problem with stringing a whole sentence together? Are you afraid that people will judge what you say? Are you afraid of what people think about you? Is it a speech disorder? I also had a problem looking people in the eye and that was another reason why I had a hard time talking with them.

Imagine attempting to talk to a stranger, esp. a girl--I think they would suspect I'm a bit "off." Women tend to be like that, they can observe minute details.

So what? What's the worst that can happen if a woman you approach sense that you're a bit off? Will she punch you in the face? Probably not. Even if you come off as a "weird" guy, I guess that most women will probably think that you're just shy. Number one rule of approaching women: who cares what she thinks? It's not your job to think for her. Your only job is to face your fears and your first step is to say hi back and start a short conversation. Nothing more.

If you are really weird in some way, believe it or not, many women love quirkiness. I crack corny jokes and do stupid stuff all the time and guess what... I always have a great time and most women like it. I don't care what people think. It's a part of my personality and if someone doesn't like it... well, that's their problem.

Perhaps you have some tailor-made advice for the "super awkward guy" who just can't help it? (If it makes any difference, I suspect I've got a little bit of Asperger's, or some other mild developmental issue.)

I don't have medical experience so I can't say whether you have Asperger's or not. All I know is that when I was shy I also thought that something is wrong with me so maybe that's also the case with you. When I started facing my fears my symptoms gradually faded.

My #1 advice for you right now is this: next time you go to the place where you exercise and there's a girl who you find attractive, say hi and just ask her casually what she's up to. If she replies with one sentence and you have no idea how to reply, just say "great, have a nice day!" and that's it. It's the first and the most important step for you.

If you're not willing to try this one thing I'm afraid I can't help you - people can only change if they're willing to put up with temporary discomfort.

By the way, I'm thinking about creating a solution, a sort of a guide, for people like you (based on my experiences). If anyone would be interested in something like this, I'd love to get to know all your problems so that I can create a solution that will be helpful for all shy guys afraid of talking with women.

 

[Bronson99]

Hi I'm weird, how about it?

Has that ever worked for you? Seriously, maybe some chicks won't mind, and will appreciate the brazenness?

 

[Kiwong]

Hi I'm scared and anxious, do you mind if I talk to your feet?

 

[Bronson99]

Why do you have a problem with stringing a whole sentence together? Are you afraid that people will judge what you say? Are you afraid of what people think about you? Is it a speech disorder? I also had a problem looking people in the eye and that was another reason why I had a hard time talking with them.

There's some difficulty with eye contact on my part, too, but not as bad as it used to be.

About stringing a sentence together, sometimes I'm fine, other days not so much. More of a difficulty with organizing thoughts, I suppose. No stammering or speech disorder, so far as I know. Just... some occasional broken sentences, pauses, overall awkwardness. Most people do not say anything about it or seem to care, so I guess it's not anything serious. Maybe I think it's worse than it is.

So what? What's the worst that can happen if a woman you approach sense that you're a bit off? Will she punch you in the face? Probably not. Even if you come off as a "weird" guy, I guess that most women will probably think that you're just shy. Number one rule of approaching women: who cares what she thinks? It's not your job to think for her. Your only job is to face your fears and your first step is to say hi back and start a short conversation. Nothing more.

If she thinks poorly of me, well, here's where a little bit of paranoia comes in.. suppose I see her next time with her boyfriend? Might she remember and poke fun of me, and have a laugh? This may be excessive worry or mild paranoia or something. I think that's the risk of talking with a stranger, you don't quite know enough about them.

My #1 advice for you right now is this: next time you go to the place where you exercise and there's a girl who you find attractive, say hi and just ask her casually what she's up to. If she replies with one sentence and you have no idea how to reply, just say "great, have a nice day!" and that's it. It's the first and the most important step for you.

If you're not willing to try this one thing I'm afraid I can't help you - people can only change if they're willing to put up with temporary discomfort.

I'm willing to try it, I suppose. If only I could find some way to loosen up or relax, though, that would help.

 

[scott]

You say hi, then make a joke or say something funny then inquire about what they are doing there. If you can make them laugh then you are gold. Simply saying hi will not break down anything, you will need to maintain some conversation without sounding like you are falling to pieces. It is tougher in 'normal' places like a library, or the supermarket because you are coming out of the blue like a stranger.

 

[hippiechild]

Worth it, sure. When there's no investment, the return is always pure profit margin.

Practicing being friendly makes you feel more friendly and you'll build rapport with a large base of individuals, who may spread positive information about you to others. This really applies to anything, but it's especially true of girls, since they tend to consult each other about guys/look at other girls' interactions with you to determine your attractiveness

 

[Kiwong]

Hi I cant really talk to you right now, I need to jump through that open window and escape, perhaps we could catch up later when I feeling better.

 

[mnn]

Most people do not say anything about it or seem to care, so I guess it's not anything serious. Maybe I think it's worse than it is.

Yes, that's the right approach! It's definitely nothing serious and most people really don't care and don't even notice it. Everyone has such problems from time to time.

If she thinks poorly of me, well, here's where a little bit of paranoia comes in.. suppose I see her next time with her boyfriend? Might she remember and poke fun of me, and have a laugh? This may be excessive worry or mild paranoia or something. I think that's the risk of talking with a stranger, you don't quite know enough about them.

Most women aren't so mean. Why would she poke fun of you? Because you had the courage to approach her and talk with her? You have to realize that most guys don't even have the balls to do it. It takes a lot of courage to approach a girl you don't know. That's why it's the most important step - after your first approach you're instantly more confident than about 80-90% of guys, and it's a powerful confidence booster.

Most women react positively to strangers who approach them. They love being approached because it means someone found them attractive/interesting. The fact that you're approaching her is a compliment.

I approached some bitchy girls and they were quite mean indeed (I was prepared for it, usually it's quite easy to tell which girl is bitchy), but then again: that's not my problem, that's their problem that they have bad manners.

I understand that you're afraid of criticism or rejection but it gets easier with each approach. What helped me immensely is not taking it personally. A girl called me weird? (it really happened once) That's her problem. A girl asking me in a mean way what I want from her? That's her problem.

I'm willing to try it, I suppose. If only I could find some way to loosen up or relax, though, that would help.

Do it! As for loosening up, you have to find your personal most effective way to relax. For me, it was doing something silly (e.g. jumping in the public) or just talking with strangers about anything (e.g. asking for directions). The most important thing to remember is that you have to act as soon as you see a woman you want to approach. If you hesitate, you won't approach her.

Please keep me updated with your progress.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Here's a formula.
1. Just focus on a girl not girls if your goal is a relationship
2. Say hi like 2 times passing (different days)
3. On the third day: Start a conversation (ex: be helpful in some way, talk about your scenery, ask for a number) Text her that day and just talk. After a few days schedule a date.
This will work!

If it's a totally random girl you just have to be kind of creepy and ask for a number that day lol.

 

[Scandic123]

Well, there's a guy who did this and it worked for him. He's written about it on his website: 4 Ways To Overcome Fear Of Rejection | ShynessSocialAnxiety.com

 

[Bronson99]

...
Please keep me updated with your progress.

You've been helpful. But I wouldn't expect results from someone like me, at least not soon.

In the meantime, I would suggest you explore the forum a bit more. I'm sure you could assist others here who are less afraid to use advice.