Just another journal

jaim38

Well-known member
So after almost a year of joining spw, I finally decided to make my own journal. Yay!

Today was surreal. Me and my mom were on the freeway when we experienced extreme shaking in the car. My mom had a hunch something was wrong but I reasoned it away with "the wind must be strong today". Then we heard a loud clunking noise and we knew right then that there was a problem. I yelled at my mom to get out of the freeway, but she could only make it as far to the curb. Emergency lights were on. We found out one of the tires has deflated. There was a big slash in the tire. It felt like thousands of brain cells died in me.

I was scared of heights being on the top of the bridge. Cars were streaming by at high speed. We called a family member for help. While we waited, 2 guys pulled over and offered their help. We were debating whether to let them help. If we waited for my dad to come , we wouldn't have to pay a single dime. But it could take a while. Plus the only cash I had was a $100 bill but I only wanted to pay $20-$30. Eventually, we said ok. The guys helped us changed tires (we had a spare) and we paid them.

*Note: I can't change tires. It's not because I don't want to or I'm lazy. I just don't have the physical strength required. I tried doing it once when my tire busted several years ago but it's a lot of elbow grease that I don't have.*

Afterwards, we went to McDonalds' drive thru to get a meal. Everything went smoothly until the last part. My mom suddenly started pulling out of the drive thru so I said, "WHat are you doing?" For some reason, she thought we have already grabbed the food. :eek:h: So she pulled back in line and I had to walk out of the car and get the food. The employee who handed me the food joked that the drive thru suddenly turned into a walk thru. :sarcastic:

After that we went home. What a day.
 

welder

Member
Cars and trucks always seem to have something go wrong at the worst times, like getting a flat on the freeway.:thumbdown: That actually is one of the biggest things that causes me anxiety while driving, is having my truck break down and everybody looking at me. On the drive through thing, I probably would have just driven off ::p:
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Cars and trucks always seem to have something go wrong at the worst times, like getting a flat on the freeway.:thumbdown: That actually is one of the biggest things that causes me anxiety while driving, is having my truck break down and everybody looking at me. On the drive through thing, I probably would have just driven off ::p:

Yeah, thank God no one got hurt. The drive thru thing was just weird. I'm pretty sure we got weird stares.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Today I had a test in class. I was studying like crazy for it even in the car. I went in class, sat down at the back of the room, and started studying. I feel a bit anxious with people looking at me or whatever. There were 2 guys talking next to me, my anxiety was going crazy. I overheard this guy looking for team 6 members. Then this girl walked in and sat next to me. At first, I wasn't sure if she's my teammate because her hair style changed, but when she started talking I recognized her voice and knew it was her. It's kind of awkward that i see her 5-6 times already but still can't recognize her!

Then this guy came in. I knew he was from team 6 but for some reason, I didn't tell him there was a guy looking for team 6 members. I should have done that.

The test started. I didn't see one of my teammates come in. Maybe she skipped the test, or she had an emergency and took it beforehand? Not sure what happened.

The test wasn't as hard as I thought. There were maybe 3-4 questions that I wasn't sure about, but the rest were easy. I didn't bring my watch but thankfully, he had a timer up there for all of us to see. I was one of the last people to finish the test.

Here's something weird: I was wrapping up with the test. I looked up, saw the timer, looked at the professor, and looked back at my paper. Then, out of the blue, the word "slut" came into my mind. I was taken by surprise. WHere did that come from? Does "slut" refer to me? Then, I had a flashback from the past where I was called a slut for no apparent reason. I looked up and saw the professor standing, looking at us. I got embarassed and started blushing. Anxiety was high as I walked up to the professor to hand in my test. I tried to look/act as normal as possible. I told the professor I had written in the back of the test. He said it's fine. Then I heard the word "stupid" in my mind. I ignored it and got out of the room.

My mom and I went into the garage walking towards our car. When we reached the car, my mom told me to "check all 4 tires to see if anybody did anything to our tires." I started to do as told but then saw my professor out of the corner of my eye! He was walking in our direction! I got really embarassed and did a half assed effort at checking the tires. I couldn't wait to get inside the car! I mean, I don't want to look like a paranoid freak.

On our way home, we saw shards of glass in front of us but couldn't avoid the shards so had to drive over them. I told my mom I hope the tires are ok. Thinking about it, maybe it's not so weird to check the tires every now and then.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I've been meaning to write this but put it off many times. I've been feeling depressed and a bit suicidal the past few days. I see life as an empty and meaningless existence. I kept getting negative thoughts as well. Plus I was under stress, cramming for tests and assignments. Now that my first test is over with, I finally have some time to think about stuff.

First of all, top priority: I need to find my will to live again. I mentioned before that I am spiritual but not religious. I practice yoga every week, but I get the feeling yoga is not just for back pains and fitness. It's about being one with the body, becoming more aware, and I think there could be spiritual insights to be gleaned from practicing yoga?

I think God is the answer but not sure where to start. I don't feel like reading the Bible, Torah, Korean, or other holy books out there. Like I mentioned, I don't identify with any particular religion.

But, before embarking on this spiritual journey to find purpose in life, one thing is for certain: I have to make a huge effort to maintain a positive attitude. I can't afford to let negative thoughts take over my mind, or I fall back to square 1 again. It's hard becuase everything looks so bleak in the world. I hear so much bad things everyday. My life isn't exactly rosy either. Off the top of my head, certain thoughts come to mind:

You are not your feelings/emotions. Don't let them control you.
It's important to maintain a positive attitude.

Everytime I am swamped by negative emotions, I become depressed/suicidal. This happens very easily, way to easily perhaps, because I am a highly sensitive person. I become so negative that I block off all attempts at positive thinking. My first challenge is to maintain a positive attitude almost at all times. If negative thoughts come into mind, nip them off.

My long term goal is to be able to keep a neutral/positive attitude no matter how much negative thoughts or negative events I experience.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Today I had to wake up real early to take a test at school. As I walked I thought I passed this guy who resembled my teammate but I wasn't sure if he was my teammate. I'm really bad with faces. Can't remember people well after I see them. He looked at me but I didn't look at him because I didn't want to look like I was staring. I took a seat eventually.

Later a girl came and sat across from me. I thought about engaging her in convo but then she had an mp3 player and earbuds on so I didn't know what to do. Should I leave her alone or should I try to talk to her? I kept debating this internally. She might have noticed and thought I was weird.

I also thought I heard someone talking about me behind but wasn't sure. Good news: I did well on the test. I didn't have to study so hard after all.

After the test, I wasn't sure if we could leave immediately. I went into the bathroom and met this girl who was in my class who also finished the test. I smiled at her, so did she, but I didn't have the courage to ask her. After I came out, I saw my teammate and greeted him. He reciprocated, and the rest was just awkward. My sentences came out really weird, and I was just...sloppy (best word to describe it, can't find anything else). But I ended it with "see ya" and just went my way. The ending was ok, everything else was poorly executed.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Today, I found out that one of my long time bachelor friends is finally in a relationship again. People around me probably think I'm jealous, angry, sad, because they think I like him. I want to do some clarifications.

First, I probably don't realize it, but subconsiouly, I may have this desire to marry into a well off family. I notice a pattern: I have crushes on guys who are smart and most importantly, well off, as in financially well off. Plus I used to watch dramas and read mangas that feature a poor girl being romantically involved with a talented, rich guy (or prince). Now, I am watching a drama about rich people and their romantic relationships. I hate to admit it, but I might have some gold digging tendencies, which manifest subconsciously. Consciously, I know it's wrong to be a gold digger and I tell myself, "Don't marry for money!" but the subconscious desire might still be there.

Thinking back about all my real life crushes, I notice that not all of them are physically attractive. The ones who aren't rich have exceptional smarts and skills which will propel them into the upper class or at least upper middle class. I didn't realize this pattern before.

I think the reason why I have such gold digging desires is because I am not confident in my own ability to generate money and make a living for myself. I am always worried about the future. I don't know if I will end up on the streets. PLus I have SA, agoraphobia, avd, so many issues to deal with.

I have recurring fantasies of a vulnerable woman being mistreated by a dominant, arrogant man who sometimes steals her babies and was deadbeat with the rest. Everytime I have this fantasy, it gives me sadistic pleasure. Sometimes I cry because of the woman's suffering, but I enjoy it. I tried to counteract this fantasy with a more positive fantasy of a strong independent woman, which sometimes work but then I go back to the sadistic fantasies later on.

All of these are reasons for me to NOT engage in any type of romantic relationship whatsoever. I don't even feel sad. I need to work on myself first. And some people will probably ask me, "after you become a better person and earn buttloads of money, will you then get a boyfriend? Will you steal your guy friend away and prove to his mother that you are the best for him?" To this I will say, no no no!!! First of all, I don't have a need for a boyfriend. Secondly, stealing someone's boyfriend is just plain wrong. Thirdly, I don't have anything to prove to anybody, aside from God. I don't need to prove to his mother or anybody's mom that I am a person of worth. So yeah, even if I am rich and have a job right now, I still wouldn't try to break anybody up (unless abusive relationship).

Short Summary: I have a whole lot to work on. I'm not gonna try to change for a man. I will not be stealing his girlfriend or trying to prove anything to his mother/family. The End.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Eye contact may not be a social cure-all | Ars Technica

No matter what I do, people seem to feel uncomfortable in my presence. I give people eye contact and they think I'm weird, I have a crush on them, I am lesbian, etc. If I don't give them eye contact, they think I'm ignoring them, giving them the cold shoulder, standoffish, etc. It's one of the 2 extremes. Why can't I give normal eye contact? What is normal eye contact anyway?

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/10/03/i-know-how-youre-feeling-i-read-chekhov/?_r=1&#!

Interesting. Never read Checkhov before.

Oh, sometimes I wish I have more masculine features instead of being "blessed" with feminine ones. This way, I don't make guys feel uncomfortable around me.
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
Oh, sometimes I wish I have more masculine features instead of being "blessed" with feminine ones. This way, I don't make guys feel uncomfortable around me.

Actually, I can't believe I wrote that! I'm being a people pleaser again! Throughout my life, I wasn't taken seriously by people, especially the guys. They think I'm just some nice dumb girl who falls easily. So I thought if I tone down my looks and appear more masculine perhaps I will be taken more seriously by others. But then I remember my signature below, and I realize, what the h*ll was I thinking? I should be comfortable in my own skin, I should love myself for who I am including what I look like. If those people feel uncomfortable in my presence, it's their problem, not mine. I shouldn't try to change my appearance, i.e. make myself look uglier or more masculine, so that guys can be more comfortable around me. That's crazy, and it's what a people pleaser would do.

I am so afraid of looking beautiful because of this reason. If I had the opportunity to put on makeup and wear beautiful clothes, I wouldn't do it. I don't want other girls to get jealous or other guys to feel uncomfortable around me. But, you know what? I should tell myself: "Love yourself. It's ok to look beautiful. It doesn't matter what other people say or think of you. Do what feels right for you."
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I'm being OCD again. It happens everytime after a negative social event. My mind keeps going back to it!

I suck walking down long hallways. Last Saturday, I went to school for a test. In my attempt to appear "normal" and "extraverted", I started giving people eye contact more than I normally would. But I could tell some people were uncomfortable by it. So after this incident, I started bashing myself for failing socially. Negative thoughts such as 'shame on you for looking too much' popped into my mind.

Later, I realized I wasn't such a bad person after all. All I did was look, I didn't grope or assault anybody. But still, I should stop trying to give everyone eye contact - stop pretending to be extraverted!

I don't know why this is getting to me so much. Many years ago, an incident like this wouldn't have such a big impact on me.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I was sitting in class on the verge of tears. I was depressed and haunted by many things. I don't know what I would have done without my mom being there for support. While we were in the car driving home, I suddenly thought about God. I wonder who/what God is. I suddenly started praying to God, and somehow, that stopped my tears. I was no longer on the verge of crying or feeling depressed. I kept praying to God. Then, I made self-affirmations to myself that I want to get to know God better, get close to God, touch God, love God. It felt good. The negative remarks (from my classmates) didn't sting anymore. I realize I am not there to please them. All I want to concentrate on is God, from that moment on. My purpose in life is to pursue God, spirituality being the means of getting to God. I am not here to fight wars against anybody. I want to go on a journey of discovering God.

By focusing on God, the negativity disappeared. My mind wasn't obsessing over the negative feelings, thoughts, and events anymore. I was neither angry or happy. I felt neutral, and a bit hopeful. I believe I had a great leap of faith in God.

So, what does this all mean? I will definitely start on the spiritual journey. I've taken a few steps so far but feel like I'm going down the wrong path. This time, it's a new start, with a focus on God.

I said before I don't want riches, fame, glory, power, etc. I also discover that making friends, being popular, and having a job doesn't matter to me anymore. There's this void inside of me, as if something is missing. Now, I know my heart yearns for: God. After this, everything else will fall into place, I believe.
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
When you hear someone tell a fib, what would you do? Would you outright tell someone, "you're lying" and embarass that person in front of others?

Growing up, I've been taught by my dad to be nice. He told me, "when you hear someone telling an exxageration aka fib, just play along. Let them have their moment." He also said, "don't dislike/hate/blame a person just because of a fib. Everyone has flaws." He's basically saying forgive and play nice. Sometimes I hear my mom lying through her teeth and I want to correct her so she would then tell me, "Don't interrupt the convo when I'm talking."

I can tolerate lying if it's harmless, or done for good purposes. White lies are ok. Everybody does it, including me. This is different from lies that harm people, such as spreading untruth rumors about other people.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I have this thing about grades. In middle school, I used to boast about my grades. For instance, everytime I made a 100 on the test, I get all happy and tell people things like, "I guarantee you I will make a 100 on my next test and see? I did it!" Just flaunting my grade in people's faces. As I grew older, I stopped doing that. I learned to be discreet because I don't want to come off as arrogant. Now I have developed a fear of showing my grades to others. If people ask me what I made on the test, I would try to fudge my grade even if I made an A on the test. I'll say something like, "I did just ok" not "I did excellent". I just don't want to be perceived as haughty and vain.

Another thing on my mind is selective mutism, which I think I have in addition to SA and avpd. At home around my parents, it's very easy for me to speak and socialize. But once I go out to school, store, etc, it's very hard for me to say something to strangers. That's where the selective mutism comes in. I want to say something but no matter what, nothing would come out. It's like I lost my voice as soon as I stepped out of the house. I think it's a psychological issue or something. Kind of like Raj from Big Bang Theory. He can't talk to girls no matter what, unless he was drunk or had a placebo.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Am I pretty or ugly? Exploring an unfortunate YouTube phenomenon | Ars Technica

It's sad to hear that young girls who have self image problems are being lambasted online which makes things worse. On a personal note, I have some self image problems but to a certain extent. Not as severe as the ones I see online. I feel like the main protagonist Nika from the manga Switch Girl! Nika is the most popular beautiful girl at school but once she comes home, she takes off her makeup and dresses in shoddy clothes. I do the same thing, but I don't look as glamorous as Nika in public though.

Today I had a video presentation with some classmates. We experienced a tech problem so my teammates called tech support. Thankfully, the bug was fixed and we were able to move forward. I think I heard some things from my teammates about me, negative things I mean. My first and natural reaction was to become angry and resistant, but I somehow quashed it. I told myself this team presentation was for a grade, so whatever happens, I need to play along. Plus, years later, I would not even remember this. This presentation doesn't matter in the grand scheme of Life. Most important is the thought "forgive" popping into my head. I told myself to overlook people's flaws and forgive them. All of this allowed me to move forward and give my best in the presentation.

Another issue I had with the presentation is my voice. As I've said many times before, I am self-conscious about my voice. I sounded like a kid! I am not sure why I sounded so childish during my presentation. My voice sounded so unnatural, it wasn't my normal speaking voice. I was afraid I'd come off as a people pleaser. I think the reason why I adopted a childish/girlish voice is so that I could bring out the enthusiasm and excitement in my speech. When I speak normally, my tone is flat and dead pan. But still, I don't want to use falsetto. I want to be able to harness the power of my normal voice for presentations.

I used to know this girl one grade level above me who had a very high pitched voice. When I first heard her voice, I thought she sounded like a 10-years old! She's also less than 5 ft tall. However, as I got to know her better, I realized how smart and mature she is. Looks don't define people's personality. I should accept myself for who I am, including my childish voice.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I'm glad we live in a house because my mom makes loud noises. It could have been worse. We used to live in apartments and sometimes my mom would go back and forth with the neighbor. They bang, she would bang back, and the rivalry was so bad that sometimes the tire on her car would be slashed. Also, we found one of our potted plants missing one day. It was that bad in the past, that we had to move.

Now, we live in this new neighborhood, and it's much better than in the past. I don't wish to go back to the past. I don't wish for my family to move into an apartment again because I know for sure my mom and brother would go nuts. Compared to the other places we've lived in, it ain't so bad.

I just realize that no matter how horrible of a person my mom can be, I still love her. I know she's mentally unstable, and I want what's best for her. I still hope she will somehow find sanity in the future.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Entrapped! When Craigslist predator stings go too far | Ars Technica

This is appalling! I remember a while back, I heard of a case of an 18 years old high school senior who was lured into selling marijuana. Some undercover cop (in her late 20s) posed as a high school girl and seduced him with the intention of getting him to sell drugs. Do these people even have morals?

This whole thing reminds me of the Tom Cruise movie Minority Report. People are arrested for crimes that they have not committed, just because some precogs have the ability to see the future that may or may not happen.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
I was watching this drama and almost teared up. This girl said her relatives didn't like her but her grandma refuted her. When her grandma started showing her all the pictures that were secretly taken of her, which were kept in an album, the girl started crying. She finally realized she had a relative that truly cared for her.

It was one of those rare moments in drama that made me tear up. Usually I think the drama was either too cheesy or look so fake I just laughed. But this one's different, maybe? Or maybe it's just me, because I have issues with relatives.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
Ok fine, nursing homes are great!!! I bet it's every elderly person's dream to live there! After all there's bingo and so many games to play!
 

jaim38

Well-known member
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/15/opinion/nocera-a-world-without-privacy.html?_r=0#!

I read this interesting article about "The Circle" and some words struck me:

It believes if it can eliminate secrecy people will be forced to be their best selves all the time.

When I was little, I'd imagine some boy crush was in my home observing every action that I make, so I'd feel this imaginary pressure to act "perfect" every time when I have such imaginations.

Now that I'm older, I stopped such imaginations of course. What I realize is that I do need privacy. I want to be able to switch "on" and "off", kind of like Nika from the manga Switch Girl!! Nika adopts a fake persona in public (aka her best self) and tries so hard to fit in and earn the praise of others, but once she gets home she becomes her true self. There was no pressure to fit in or whatever at home. She wear unfashionable clothes, farts, lies around, etc.

I don't want to act/be perfect all the time, because I know that's not possible and I wouldn't be able to take it.
 

jaim38

Well-known member
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/13/o...-the-key-to-success.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0#!

I read this article about the connection between music and success. The author claims that successful people such as Alan Greenspan and Woody Allen were avid musicians (though not necessarily the best) before embarking on stellar careers in finance, acting, IT, etc.

The last time I ever touched any sort of musical instrument was back in elementary school, 5th grade. I played a cheap plastic flute for class performance. I also joined choir. I had a huge problem with performing in public though, because of my shyness and anxiety.

After elementary school, I never touched an instrument again, or joined any choir. I figured music was just a waste of time. I started getting serious about studying and wanted to graduate top of my class. In high school, I started taking as many advanced/AP classes as possible. The competition was intense. I needed to be in the top 10. I said, "forget about Band or Orchestra. They are not AP classes." But I needed an art elective. One of the reasons why I took AP Art History was because of the AP credit - it would boost my GPA more than the other regular classes. Plus, I was cheap and didn't want to pay for an instrument; Art History does not require any purchase of art supplies or instrument. It's just rote memorization from the textbook.

I also thought to myself: "Who cares about music? It's an useless pursuit. After high school, I will go on to be a doctor, nurse, or at least a professional, and my job doesn't require the use of music." I also had the impression that musicians are similar to starving artists. I want to avoid these careers as much as possible.

My sibling, on the other hand, played the violin. Being the younger sibling, he has no such pressure to impress his parents or be the best in the family, so he can pretty much do whatever. I could tell he has a passion for music, especially classical music. We went to several concerts and I was immediately bored to death. Couldn't keep myself from not falling asleep. On the other hand, my brother could listen to classical music without dozing off.

So, I wonder if I had played music in high school, would i turn out to be successful today? It's too late for me to enter the music world, actually. Now I'm busy with school and public speaking. I don't even know which instrument I'd like to play. Plus I'm short on money so can't afford an instrument or music lessons. I like anime music and pop songs, but I realize this doesn't count as "real music", according to most people anyway.
 
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