Journey of Jazz

[S_Spartan]

I've been listening to a lot of songs by The Doors tonight. I think it would have been great to have been able to see them in concert. This is one of my favorite songs by them:

The Doors - Love Her Madly - YouTube

My favorite Doors song is The Crystal Ship. "Before you drift into unconsciousness I'd like to have another kiss......The days are bright and filled with pain, enclose me in your gentle rain"

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

My favorite Doors song is The Crystal Ship. "Before you drift into unconsciousness I'd like to have another kiss......The days are bright and filled with pain, enclose me in your gentle rain"

The lyrics sound nice. I'll have to give it a listen.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

My favorite Doors song is The Crystal Ship. "Before you drift into unconsciousness I'd like to have another kiss......The days are bright and filled with pain, enclose me in your gentle rain"

I just listened to it. Its a nice song, I like it :thumbup:.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I was listening to Just Can't Get Enough earlier. I've always though it was pretty catchy. I like to work out to it a lot.

Just Can't Get Enough - Depeche Mode (Lyrics) HQ - YouTube

I'm feeling full right now. That food was great. My mom is getting ready to go down to her boyfriend's house again, but my dad is still down here so I won't be alone in the house.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

My mom feels the need to criticize nearly everything that I do and its really wearing me down. She criticizes me for acting nervous in public. She talks about the way I walk. She complains about how me acting so scared in public makes her embarrassed when she goes somewhere with me. One day I was at the register paying for something at the store, and I did my best to be confident, but like usual, my voice was pretty faint when talking to the woman at the check-out register and when I was done paying, my mom said "I hate when you do that Jasmine. Next time speak up when you're out with me." She harasses me for my lack of a social life. Whenever I get a call on my cell phone, she'll say with a smirk on her face "Oh, that's either your sister or dad, no one else is calling you." She can't accept that I have different opinions than her. When I'm watching a show or movie that she doesn't like, she'll talk nonstop about how stupid it is and how I don't need to be watching it. She makes fun of the music I listen to. She lashes out when I share a view on something that she doesn't agree with. She makes me feel like a freak because I'm unsure if God exists or not. Its been like this for such a long time now. A person can only take so much of this.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I can feel myself slipping again. Everything feels meaningless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy0NySCmuFU

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I'm finding it hard to put how I'm feeling into something that makes sense. My heart just feels like its sore, like its aching. All of the issues I've been trying to escape and distract myself from seem to be dragging me underwater and I can't rise above the waves right now. I've been trying to remain neutral and focus on other things to get away from the pain of problems going on with my mom and other personal problems, but the pain is coming back so intensely. I hate staying up late because it seems to make things worse, but I hate trying to fall asleep too, because my mind is free to roam and my issues always haunt me, replaying over and over again in my head. Some nights I just lay in bed and cry until my pillow becomes damp, my eyes crust up, and the side of my hair is soaked with tears. I hate seeing the sunlight starting to creep through my window in the morning because it makes me think that it will just be another day wasted. Another day with nothing to desire, nobody to care, just another day of trying to move on and survive. I'm tired of constantly feeling lonely, unwanted, and ashamed.

My mind is telling me to stay logical and stone-hearted about everything, but my heart is overpowering my mind. My heart is yelling at me to end it, end everything. It just keeps chanting at me, do it, do it, do it. There's a lump in my throat and I'm tearing up writing this. I try so hard and then I come crashing down so quickly. It makes the temporarily "okay" moods that I get in seem worthless because I just spiral down so deeply soon after.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I'm trying to clear my head and push through everything. Its hard, but I'm trying.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I felt really sick yesterday night. I must have eaten something bad because I had a stomachache and I threw up, ugh. I'm feeling better today though, well my stomach is feeling better.

I've been doing silly things to try to cheer myself up lately. Mostly singing and playing my harmonica to my dog and playing tug-of-war with a sock with him, lip syncing to some music, and making silly videos. In one of my videos I talked about my "ghost hands". My hands are a much lighter shade than my face is, so I call them ghost hands. I'm still trying to learn The Elements Song, but I'm still pretty crappy at it. I'm still using the paper that I wrote the lyrics on because I haven't entirely memorized it yet, and I always confuse the lyrics. Silly things like this seem to take my mind off some issues, if only for a while.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I was looking at some old pictures of my family earlier today. It made me feel nostalgic. I remember when my sister used to give me piggy back rides around the house, and my mom and dad used to be able to have conversations that didn't end with them screaming and cursing at each other. Everything seemed much more simple back then.

I wish I had someone to play "Double Double This This" with right now, or maybe some rounds of Bop It. I used to play it all the time with my older sister growing up. I just feel like being very child-like right now.

 

[jc972]

I was looking at some old pictures of my family earlier today. It made me feel nostalgic. I remember when my sister used to give me piggy back rides around the house, and my mom and dad used to be able to have conversations that didn't end with them screaming and cursing at each other. Everything seemed much more simple back then.

I wish I had someone to play "Double Double This This" with right now, or maybe some rounds of Bop It. I used to play it all the time with my older sister growing up. I just feel like being very child-like right now.

Ooh! Can we play 'truth or dare'?

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

Ooh! Can we play 'truth or dare'?

I'll probably choose truth every time if we did. I'm not much of a daredevil mg:.

 

[jc972]

I'll probably choose truth every time if we did. I'm not much of a daredevil mg:.

We'd play good together then cause i always picked 'dare'.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

We'd play good together then cause i always picked 'dare'.

I was always afraid of getting dared to do something embarrassing like running outside undressed (Dare to Bare ) or dares that involved eating bugs or sometime like that, so I stuck with truth.

 

[jc972]

I was always afraid of getting dared to do something embarrassing like running outside undressed (Dare to Bare ) or dares that involved eating bugs or sometime like that, so I stuck with truth.

I'd rather run through the back yard naked with a mouth full of spiders as pick 'truth' and have to tell if i kissed Megan on the school bus. :thumbup:

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I'd rather run through the back yard naked with a mouth full of spiders as pick 'truth' and have to tell if i kissed Megan on the school bus. :thumbup:

Yeah, some of the "truth's" can be embarrassing as well. Spiders make me shiver. I hate them. I once almost cartwheeled onto a tarantula that had gotten into our backyard because I didn't spot it :thumbdown:.

 

[jc972]

Yeah, some of the "truth's" can be embarrassing as well. Spiders make me shiver. I hate them. I once almost cartwheeled onto a tarantula that had gotten into our backyard because I didn't spot it :thumbdown:.

I'm jealous. I never could do a cartwheel.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I'm jealous. I never could do a cartwheel.

There's some risk involved in them if you land wrong. I used to do them all the time, sometimes even one-handed cartwheels, but I hardly do them anymore.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

For a long time now I've had this weird idea that everyone is a part of this type of universal videogame. There are people far out somewhere, who remain out of sight, out of mind, and out of reach, who control the videogame, though how and why they are chosen to be the controllers is unknown. The videogame controllers have the authority over our actions and they have a widespread blueprint of the world to see how their own "players" are progressing, what the players they've created succeed at and what they fail at. Basically how their player is coming along in the videogame. The controllers are each competing against each other to see which of their players can get the highest score. I've always thought maybe this is why we get the sensation of deja-vu, because we have already reached that specific "level" of our lives in the videogame, but we didn't necessarily perform the level in the way that the controllers wanted us to, and maybe it caused the controller to "get out" on the level, like when we lose levels when playing a video game, so they had to restart the game, and we feel deja vu because we have already been through that level before. The controllers want to see how they can have us complete the level in a way that best satisfies their wishes and increases their score.

Along the way in the videogame, we meet allies and enemies. Our allies are the people the videogame controllers create who we consider to be our friends and possibly our lovers as well, and they try to help us complete certain stages of the videogame and get over obstacles that the videogame throws at us. People in our lives who we dislike, have caused us harm intentionally, or those who make our lives miserable are created by the controllers because each controller wants to beat the other, so they design players that will discourage us from doing all that we can to overcome the obstacles and who could potentially cause us to lose the videogame, or even want to exit the videogame entirely, resulting in the controller ultimately winning the videogame and earning bragging rights.

All of this sounds a bit dumb even as I'm writing it, but I've had thoughts like this ever since I was a kid. Its strange, but life is strange too.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

I bought my dog this new squeaky toy earlier today. Its been pretty funny watching him play with it. Squeak, squeak, squeak.

I really want some sushi. Some spicy crab sushi sounds so, so good to me right now. I thought I'd hate sushi the first time I tried it, but its one of my favorite foods.