Journey of Jazz

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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
Maybe I think about things that I want too much, things that I wish could happen.

I wish things were better between me and my mom.
I wish I didn't think so highly of certain people who couldn't give a damn about me.
I wish I wasn't so insecure about myself.
I wish I was a better person.
I wish I could feel intimacy. Even further than that, and this could possibly sound crude, but I wish I could feel what it feels like to be with someone in a sexual way. It doesn't feel like I'll ever be close enough to a guy and trust someone enough for it to happen.
I wish I had gone down a different road.

I spend so much time thinking about these things. I feel like its bad for me, unhealthy in a way even, but they consume my thoughts, even more than usual recently.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine said:
I wish I was a better person.
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What makes you think you're not?

PerseverareJasmine said:
I wish I could feel intimacy. Even further than that, and this could possibly sound crude, but I wish I could feel what it feels like to be with someone in a sexual way. It doesn't feel like I'll ever be close enough to a guy and trust someone enough for it to happen.
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Why not? You seem like a decent girl.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
What makes you think you're not?
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It somewhat ties into me being insecure about certain things about my personality. I guess most people feel like they could improve aspects of themselves though.


MikeyC said:
Why not? You seem like a decent girl.
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When it comes to what I said about feeling uncertain about ever being intimate and sexual with someone one day, I think that way because its hard for me to imagine letting myself trust someone enough and letting them get to know me on a level deep enough for that to happen.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
I feel like a danger to myself. I hurt myself earlier today. I kept thinking to myself that I should take it just a step further. Just one more step further and everything would be over. I could finally rest after that one last step. I don't know if its courage or weakness keeping me from doing it. I attempted it years ago. I wish I could say that I'd never attempt it again, but I know that's not the truth. Its hard to fight back the thoughts when they get into my mind.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
I've been in a somewhat neutral, blank mood today. I guess its better than what I have been feeling lately. Its definitely better than feeling extremely depressed and wanting to cause harm to myself, so hopefully this feeling can last for a while.

Normally I hate feeling blank, I always feel like I should be feeling something more or something less when I feel just wooden, but in the situation I'm in, its probably best to feel blank right now.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
Dinner was pretty good. I had beef stroganoff and corn. I watched Forrest Gump earlier today on AMC. I know the move gets a bad reputation sometimes and I've heard that many people don't like it and make fun of it, but I've always liked it. I think its coming on again tomorrow. I might watch it again.

I'm feeling a bit better than I have been. I'm always afraid of sinking back down though. When it happens, it is very overwhelming for me. It begins to feel like I can't escape and I need a way out. Hopefully I won't give in to those feelings one day.

Its strange. I've never been able to imagine myself growing old. I've thought about what I might possibly do when I get older, and things that I might enjoy experiencing, but in all of my thoughts about growing old, something seems off, like its not supposed to happen for me, as if I'm not meant to grow older. As if I'm not meant to stick life out. I feel guilty and angry at myself for thinking like that because I know many people do not get the opportunity to grow old because they have their lives taken away by disease, accidents, homicide, etc., but I've always had thoughts like this. It scares the hell out of me and it makes me really worried.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
My mom has still been hassling me about what I told her about me feeling uncertain if God exists or not. It still gets to me, but I'm finding it a little easier to tune her out when she starts to get on the subject.

I feel so sore from working out. At least I'm feeling a bit better mentally for now. I'm watching Forrest Gump again, like I said I probably would. I get like that a lot. If I like something like a movie or book, I keep wanting to watch it or read it many, many times. My family gets annoyed at me for doing it though.

I'm eating a really good popsicle right now. I've always loved coconut flavored ice-cream, so I decided to try coconut flavored popsicles, and I love them. Its starting to melt though because I always take a pretty long time when I eat popsicles. I like to suck on them and lick them for a long time instead of biting down on them like some people do.
 
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jc972

1
PerseverareJasmine said:
I've been listening to a lot of love songs today for some reason. This is my favorite love song:

As the world falls down David Bowie Lyrics - YouTube

I've always had this fantasy that a guy would sing this to me someday, which is probably kind of silly. I love when guys sing. I've mentioned this in another post on this forum. I think its really cute, even if they don't sing all that well.
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I usually sing in the shower but its likely not a romantic sight to behold. :p
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
jc972 said:
I usually sing in the shower but its likely not a romantic sight to behold. :p
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Haha, singing in the shower is fun. I have a lot of "go to shower songs". I like to dance in the shower a bit too. I just don't do any big movements of course because I don't want to slip and fall.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
I actually fell asleep pretty early tonight without having to force myself to, but I woke up in the middle of the night. I always seem to have that problem. On the nights when I do go to bed early, I usually end up waking up a few hours later. So, its 2:53 a.m. here now. I tried to fall back asleep, but I can't right now.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
Hmm, it just occurred to me that who I've been referring to in my posts tonight could possibly read this and suspect that its about them, but I can't seem to say what I need and want to to them, so I'll just keep it in here, locked inside, unfortunately. I want to tell them everything, but I can't. They would either despise me even more than they appear to, or they would not believe me and would think I'm a liar. Probably both now that I'm thinking about it.
 
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