I'm in a tough situation with my mom right now. She was watching some kind of awards show for gospel music on television earlier today, and I walked into the living room to ask her something. Before I left to go back to my room, she asked me if I wanted to watch the gospel award show, and I said not really in a hesitant way. She then started talking about how she could tell that I was not very religious like she was, and she mentioned how I always seem uncomfortable in churches, like how I mentioned I didn't exactly like going to church earlier in this diary when my mom talked me into going.
So, she asked me "Do you believe in God Jasmine?". I always wondered if she was thinking that question in her mind, but just never wanted to ask me. I looked at her and told her that "I didn't know." Then she asked me what I meant. I told her that I don't know if there is a God or if there isn't. I told her I've never been sure even when I was growing up, even though my mom and other members of my family sure did try to force their belief that there is one into my head growing up extremely often, and that I'm still not sure about it now.
Then she completely lashed out on me. She started asking me "How in the world could you not know Jasmine?" and "Where do you think all of your strength comes from?" She started telling me that she won't allow me to not be sure about God's existence if I'm living under her roof. She said that she shouldn't have stopped taking me to church when I was a kid and that we need to start going more now, "every Sunday if we can", she said. I tried to tell her that even when we did go to church growing up, I still wasn't very religious, but that only set her off more. Her voice raised in tone and pretty soon she was just shouting out at me basically how dumb I sounded and how I was stupid and silly, just for telling her what I believe. She shouted that she will not have "my kind of opinion in her house." She even called my dad to tell him what she just found out, but he didn't make a big deal out of it like she was making. I think he always suspected I believed the way I do, and he never tried to force his beliefs on me.
This is exactly why I never told my mom about my feelings toward religion. I always imagined that she would flip out on me if I ever did. I just didn't imagine that it would hurt this much in reality. I feel like I'm some kind of disgrace to her. Why can't she just be my mom and accept that this is how I am? I've never forced any of my beliefs about religion on her, in fact I actually kept them hidden because I knew they would upset her like this, but she wants me to change my mind about my beliefs. I can't do that. I've felt like this for years. Its not going to change. Don't I have the right to believe as I choose? Yes, she is my mother, but does that give her the right to try to force me to change my mindset on this, to believe as she does? I love my mom, but things like this always happen between us. I'll have a different opinion about something than her, and she'll just yell at me about how stupid I am for not sharing the same thought process that she does. She's my mom, I'm supposed to feel like I can be accepted by her and I'm supposed to want to talk things out with her without fear of being ridiculed, but a lot of the time I don't. I know she loves me, but situations like this make me frustrated and it makes me feel like she'd rather have someone else, someone who agrees with her more and shares her mindset, as her daughter.
I've met a lot of people who have different religious beliefs and its always been fine with me. I don't try to force what I believe on them, and they don't do it to me. We just realize that we're different and that's that. Why can't it be like that with my mom, of all people? Shouldn't it be that way with her?
mg:.
