Journey of Jazz

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PerseverareJasmine

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I was able to take a good nap after the men finished fixing the sink. My mom wants them to come back to fix our dishwasher too, although she hasn't called them to see when they'll be able to do it. They work pretty fast, but it still makes me nervous when they are inside the house. Not just them personally, but anybody who has to come inside to work on something in the house. I always feel tense and it seems as if I am holding my breath the entire time they are there, even if I'm not even in the same area of the house as they are. I have trouble making eye contact and my voice is faint when I try to speak with them. Usually I'll just open the door, either say good morning or good afternoon, let them do their job, and then thank them and tell them goodbye when they are done. Sometimes I have to discuss what the specific problem is with whatever they are fixing though, which makes me feel anxious. I'm always relieved when they are done.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I really do hate my thought process when it comes to certain things. I let myself get beat down by so many of my thoughts, all of my insecurities. I try to avoid it, but I end up being reminded of them regardless. My mind always finds a way to bring myself down, without fail.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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My mom wants me to meet this guy that is related to one of her friends that she works with. I told her that I'd rather not. Then she gave me a frustrated look and asked why I didn't. I already know the answer, but I didn't tell her. She always wonders why I tend to push people away from me and avoid people. I know the way my mind works, it is like a yoyo, up and down. It is constant. I don't want to drag people down when I get low, which I know I always will at some point. Nobody wants to deal with me when I get like that, and I don't want them to have to deal with it. I don't want people to have to get caught up in my storm of constantly changing thoughts. I don't want to hurt them.

Like I mentioned earlier in here, I should probably be alone. I always get this feeling that I'm going to be a second choice, that if guys can't get the person they actually want to be with, then they'll think that they might as well choose me. There's always that choice you feel is the best, and then the choice that you could possibly tolerate if you don't get the best choice. I'd never want to just settle for a guy, and I wouldn't want a guy to settle for me either. I don't want a guy who feels ashamed to like me. It'd be nice to feel wanted for once. And I don't mean wanted for just physical reasons. I don't want to be wanted by someone just so they can possibly have sex with me, I'd never want a guy to want to be with me only because he thinks of me purely as sexually. I wish someone could see who I am and want to be with me because of that.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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I posted in another thread that I tend to think most people who read this diary most likely think of it as very pathetic because of what I write in it. Its probably the truth. A pathetic diary for a pathetic girl.
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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SteinerOfThule said:
*pat pat* Don't feel like you have to sleep because you said you were gonna sleep. I tend to feel like I have to do something when I say I am gonna do it. Even though really, we are free to change our minds whenever we want. That may not be a good thing for everything but perhaps it is...?
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I think its a good thing when it comes to some things. Sometimes I tell myself I'm going to do something in my head, but when the time comes, I'm not capable of doing it, or I realize that I didn't really want to do what I was trying to convince myself to do in the first place, so its best not to force myself to do it.
 
NathanielWingatePeaslee

NathanielWingatePeaslee

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Staff member
PerseverareJasmine said:
Nobody wants to deal with me when I get like that, and I don't want them to have to deal with it. I don't want people to have to get caught up in my storm of constantly changing thoughts. I don't want to hurt them.
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Perhaps it's best if you let people make their own choices whether they want to stick with you when you're down. ;) I'd personally be very, very wary of anyone my mother (or any other relative) wanted to set me up with, but who knows. Maybe he's a wonderful guy!
PerseverareJasmine said:
I always get this feeling that I'm going to be a second choice, that if guys can't get the person they actually want to be with, then they'll think that they might as well choose me. There's always that choice you feel is the best, and then the choice that you could possibly tolerate if you don't get the best choice. I'd never want to just settle for a guy, and I wouldn't want a guy to settle for me either. I don't want a guy who feels ashamed to like me.
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That is entirely your insecurity talking. Really. You're just not 'consolation prize' material. :)
PerseverareJasmine said:
It'd be nice to feel wanted for once. And I don't mean wanted for just physical reasons. I don't want to be wanted by someone just so they can possibly have sex with me, I'd never want a guy to want to be with me only because he thinks of me purely as sexually. I wish someone could see who I am and want to be with me because of that.
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Insecurity again, if you feel the only thing someone could find appealing about you is your body. :sad:
 
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PerseverareJasmine

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NathanielWingatePeaslee said:
Perhaps it's best if you let people make their own choices whether they want to stick with you when you're down. ;) I'd personally be very, very wary of anyone my mother (or any other relative) wanted to set me up with, but who knows. Maybe he's a wonderful guy!
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Knowing my mother, I'm a bit cautious of the guy she is trying to set me up with. He might be a wonderful guy, like you said, but I really prefer to not be set up with guys. I have a feeling I'd mess things up if I did meet him as well, I'd be nervous.

NathanielWingatePeaslee said:
That is entirely your insecurity talking. Really. You're just not 'consolation prize' material. :)
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NathanielWingatePeaslee said:
Insecurity again, if you feel the only thing someone could find appealing about you is your body. :sad:
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Thank you. My insecurities like to take over my mind. I try to fight them off as much as I can, but they always seem to rise to the surface. I often wish that there was some kind of off switch for my insecurities, so I could shut them up.
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine said:
I have a feeling I'd mess things up if I did meet him as well, I'd be nervous.
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If a guy stops seeing you after one date because you were a bit nervous, he's not worth your time. Everyone, including men, are nervous on first dates.

Besides, a little bit of nervousness is cute. ;)
 
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PerseverareJasmine

Well-known member
MikeyC said:
If a guy stops seeing you after one date because you were a bit nervous, he's not worth your time. Everyone, including men, are nervous on first dates.

Besides, a little bit of nervousness is cute. ;)
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I sometimes think about how my first date would go, if the time comes. You're right, the nervousness should be expected.
 
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