jealousy, obsession and paranoia

[sorrow1]

I cant seem to ever form a healthy relationship.

I am currently dating a girl I met on a dating website and we haven't been going out that long (2 months) but I am already getting really attached to her as she is such a lovely person. I think about her all the time. She seems keen enough to still keep meeting up but I am getting paranoid that she is going to go off me and I worry for the future. I got jealous the other day of a guy she was talking about and I started imagining she had feelings for him without any justification. I guess Its just my paranoia kicking in. Atm she is keen to meet up but she hasn't been texting as much lately and this is getting me down and paranoid. I hoped it wasn't going to go this way with this one but all my relationships eventually lead to these feelings. It worries me when it gets to this stage where I end up lying a lot, or playing mind games or constantly checking facebook etc to see what they are upto. Its not healthy and I am well aware of that fact and I hate myself for doing these things. My insecurities are basically ruining everything, I know deep down most of it is probably in my head but It takes so much effort to accept and realise that.

Do you think people with social anxiety problems or like me have suffered badly in the past are more susceptible to these kind of feelings?
I want to date but I don't know if its worth the stress and heart ache sometimes. I wish I could just feel normal in a relationship and not so inadequate.
Does anyone relate to this or have any advice to combat these negative feelings?

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

I don't think only people with SA have these feelings. Anyway I get jealous too... Something that has helped me is pretending to be the parent of that person and ask yourself if you would feel safe dating you? If not what changes can I make to be less obsessive like have my own activities to look forward to outside the relationship. Just remember whoever your dating isn't God or some perfect being and you need to be able to support yourself with other outlets too and you can't put all your joys in one person. I've done that before and it made me mad when he didn't do what I was hoping but now I have other outlets so I don't get as stressed... it's something I'm still working on but definitely try to

 

[sorrow1]

Thanks lhc your advice is good. I do have other interests and a circle of friends I should devote more time to as an outlet, I am trying to do that and not to think too much about this person but atm it is still tearing me apart. My thoughts and paranoia are getting more and more absurd (at least I am aware of it though). I know It is probably all in my head and due to my feelings of inadequacy and insecurities, I just cant trust anyone fully but I am working on it.

 

[PerseverareJasmine]

It does seem to me like it may be your mind playing tricks on you, but I do think it's good that you can see that you're doing it and that you're trying to change. I agree with lhc's post that it's not healthy to focus all of your happiness and thoughts on one person, so it's good that you're working on changing.

 

[dannyboy65]

What you just said is exactly what I do in relationships. I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. But for some odd feeling I miss these feelings. It's not healthy at all and I don't understand why I miss these feelings. But me and my life coach are working on these skills and it will take time.

For example, instead of dating someone I barely know I go for people who I knew for a while and talk to regularly, the reason is my life coach told me the best relationships start with a great friendship. The next key is patience, I'm dying to meet someone but I just have to wait because I don't want to rush into a relationship with someone who doesn't know or care about me.

It's a confusing subject, I sometimes bring it up with my life coach and he gives good advice. So at the time I'm just being patient.

 

[Corrs63]

Be positive. It's normal for us that we sometimes feel that way about our special someone, but don't make that to cause any problems with the both of you.

 

[sorrow1]

I am quite a deceitful person myself. Not maliciously I don't think but I can lie about made up plans to get out of social events on a regular basis or lie about my opinions and feelings for someone to avoid causing friction. Its always been a survival technique to protect myself and stop myself from going mad but at the same time I am not proud of this side of me and wish I didn't have to lie so much.
So I was thinking If I can do this so frequently and so easily then its natural that I will be suspicious that others can lie so easily to me and this fuels my paranoia.

 

[akala]

you have to take it slow, my last relationship was like that. Make sure you are together most of the time; as jealousy is common in ldr.

 

[AlienGeranium]

Here's an article I read a while ago about shy people dating, I think it's interesting and may resonate with some people on this forum Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com

So I was thinking If I can do this so frequently and so easily then its natural that I will be suspicious that others can lie so easily to me and this fuels my paranoia.

I think this is the key to your problem. I was in a serious relationship and had a lot of the problems you mentionedaranoid that she was keeping things from, obsessed with her life and her past, and jealous a lot of her and people she'd been with/talked to. That being said, taking a look at myself reflects much of where these worries were coming from. I had lost my virginity to her and was a little sex obsessed as a result, and her being with other people was such a big deal to me. She was so casual about it, as if it wasn't a big deal, and she constantly told me it was something that "just happened" which of course made me insecure since it never "just happened" to me. In an attempt to alleviate this I ended up cheating on her.

That didn't help. And the fact that any opportunity to have sex that came up I would take didn't help either. I obviously wasn't a great guy, but it also made me suspicious of her, that she was the same way. I just didn't trust her at all. And it was probably largely due to me not being genuine myself. It just made me so, so, so obsessed with her and the relationship drained me so much.

That was a while ago though, and now I'm in a new relationship without those issues. What I've learned and what I think is different now from then is a few things. The first is not treating it like life and death. Or in other words, not feeling desperate to make it work. I should probably be a little more invested, but not needing everything to be perfect and failproof makes it easier to relax and just enjoy the relationship. And being up front about things is crucial too. I'm not trying to mold myself into a person who she would like, I'm more or less being myself. And it's easier to feel she's being honest if I am. But honestly I don't even really think about it. What I focus on is enjoying my time with her, and doing what I can to make her time with me enjoyable. Maybe I just got lucky though, my last girlfriend was shy too, and because she wouldn't tell me anything I almost felt forced to play mind games with her. So it might be the girl you're seeing, I don't know what she's like but she may not be a good fit if she's like that all. More stress than you need.

 

[sorrow1]

Thanks AG that was really useful in helping me understand the possible root causes of what I am experiencing and that article certainly touched on almost every aspect of my previous relationships. Certainly a lot of issues I need to work on.

The bit you mentioned about not treating it like a life and death situation I feel is particularly relevant to me atm. I do feel that deep down I do love her but I am so obsessed about having those feelings reciprocated. I know that I should not worry all the time if she feels the same as everyone moves in a relationship at a different pace and I should just enjoy the moment, I mean a couple of years ago I could never have imagined having a long term girlfriend and would be envious of my current situation so I know I should just appreciate where I am at the moment.

There's just that niggling feeling in the back of my mind that it could all come crashing down on me. I cant seem to accept good things happening to me and worry unnecessarily about loosing what I have gained rather than appreciating it while its there.


Funny enough my last girlfriend before this one whom I went out with for 6 months I didn't really have any feelings for I am sad to say. She was a lovely person but we just didn't really have much in common and she used to talk incessantly about things that I was not interested in to the point where sometimes I couldn't stand being around her and wanted my own space. However I felt more comfortable in the relationship and felt that I could be myself more. It was as if me finding something I didn't like about her and me not having feelings for her alleviated the pressure of desperately wanting things to work. I took a more relaxed view to the relationship and was a lot more confident being with her than I am now with my current girlfriend.

 

[Luckylife]

I rarely hit it off with women but a few months ago I was hopeful. Seen her a few times at a bar, spoke to her friends then spoke to her. Quite engaging and I thought everything looked good. So there I was thinking, next time I see her I should make a move. So there she was but something just didn't seem right, she was very distracted, disheveled and also very much 'devoted' to her friends. But I was really bothered by this sudden change of behavior (she was quite sensible before) so I walked up to her, said hi and kissed her - just to have a close look at her - she's on drugs! I don't know if she had been free-basing cocaine but I think so. Since then I have felt that her attitudes are ridiculous and even tho I genuinely want to be friends I have had to give up on this one. If we speak again I will accuse her of drug dependency straight away.