it's the way we think about ourselves...isn't it?

[hardy]

I still cannot come to terms with the fact that...it's my own judgement on myself that is causing all the anxiety. It's impossible to say what others are thinking....they have their own petty lives to suffer. How we keep blaming things outside ourselves for the misery(of course some cases of mental n physical abuse don't come in this)

Do i love myself? BIG No. I have to be perfect, charismatic,charming, good looking, funny, then i may like myself. Not sure.

Can i be at peace with all the defects in me? Big No.....If this is the case i will not be happy until i become an Enlightened Jesus or a Budddha....Makes me wonder , is it possible to live happily ever??

Let me start with my looks, wait i can't change it. My charisma? Nah...i was never funny. My talking skills....i have read enough and nothing has worked, i still am at loss of words in front of people. I am so tired....now i am depressed as i cannot be the all Perfect man that i thought i should be.


What will make me Happy? Nothing? If this is the case, life sucks..!! I will not be what i want to be....i cannot be happy with what i have.

 

[jc972]

As cliche as it will sound, "nobody's perfect." But it's true, no human being is perfect. I believe you're right about self perception.

 

[hardy]

darn...i have been here for like 50 mins thinking this thread will be hot -thread of the week...what the hell, its going too slow....lololol

 

[hidwell]

darn...i have been here for like 50 mins thinking this thread will be hot -thread of the week...what the hell, its going too slow....lololol

This forum is much quieter than it used to be. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. :bigsmile:

 

[laure15]

I agree. We set high standards for ourselves that may be impossible to reach. Therefore, how can we ever be happy? In my case, I feel pressure from myself and from the rest of society to be "successful", which is a word that has many definitions. I am currently trying to break free and be happy with what I can work with.

 

[hardy]

good to see some of you oldie's going strong....wishing strength to all of us.

 

[Froggy246]

I still cannot come to terms with the fact that...it's my own judgement on myself that is causing all the anxiety. It's impossible to say what others are thinking....they have their own petty lives to suffer. How we keep blaming things outside ourselves for the misery(of course some cases of mental n physical abuse don't come in this)

Nice opening, it's an important point and quite philosophical. It's funny really, the ultimate judge is ourselves lol, we are the ones who decide if points are lost or gained, other people don't really care as you say, we trick ourselves by projecting our own judgements of ourselves as if to come from others.
However, even though I reaslise this on a concious level it just doesn't seem to soak in.

I find myself going over interactions trying to work out if I lost some points or gained some points, quite pleased with myself if some were gained, painfully hard on myself if lost.
I often catch myself doing it and I can see what a waste of energy it is, but it's like a game that I'm addicted to.

I'm thinking that for some reason we are unsure of ourselves, low self esteem or what not? So the focus is on looking outside for acceptance and validation - by striving to be the perfect likeable/lovable human in different ways, performance anxiety ensues, perceived poor performance causes great despair, why? Because we're not going to get that acceptance and validation?
And so what? F*** it is what we should be saying to that, don't need it because I am the only one who can ultimately accept and validate myself anyway.

If we can decide to sack that judge, or ruled once and for all that we are fine as we are, imperfections, mistakes and all, then maybe we would be happy, maybe then we can get busy experiencing stuff.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Can i be at peace with all the defects in me? Big No.....If this is the case i will not be happy until i become an Enlightened Jesus or a Budddha....Makes me wonder , is it possible to live happily ever??

Let me start with my looks, wait i can't change it. My charisma? Nah...i was never funny. My talking skills....i have read enough and nothing has worked, i still am at loss of words in front of people. I am so tired....now i am depressed as i cannot be the all Perfect man that i thought i should be.


What will make me Happy? Nothing? If this is the case, life sucks..!! I will not be what i want to be....i cannot be happy with what i have.

It is just my opinion, but I think at some degree you have to decide if you want to be happy or not. Of course I don't mean that from the moment you decide to be happy, it will magically happen, but you can decide to try to make it happen. As you said yourself, you are your worst enemy on that matter. As long as you go on saying "I'm ugly, I have no charisma, I'm socially awkward, and all these things will keep me from being happy until I die", you are not deciding to change the feelings you have towards yourself and your life. But from the moment you actually decide to become happy and put your heart to it, you will start doing things that make you feel better about yourself, then you will start to realize that being average looking is all right, being socially awkward is not such a big deal, and someday you will wake up in the morning thinking "I think I'm happy with who I became".

 

[Lea]

Hm, so this is what for most people means "being perfect" - to be perfect just in the most superficial sense. Which they would deny if confronted with that, because they´re not so superficial. But they judge themselves and others by nothing else than how funny, social, goodlooking, charismatic etc., they are. Why not judge by other criteria, such as morality (as much oldfashioned it sounds), wisdom (which often includes intelligence too, in order to understand things to the depth and distinguish subtleties), good heart, not being harmful etc.

Don´t expect life should be all happiness, life is meant to be painful and we are supposed to be solving problems. I always try to remember there are people who are actually far worse off and I should be grateful for where I live and what I have, for example when I see what´s happening in Syria. They cut heads even to children. WTF this mess? I am not happy, sometimes/often the depression hurts like hell, but this is what I got and we must always do the best we can in the given situation.

Btw don´t expect to be enlightened, that´s just human ego talking, and it´s a trap for many. It´s not that easy at all, you know. Forget working towards this idea, don´t expect anything, just try to be a good person. That´s more than enough!

 

[Froggy246]

It is just my opinion, but I think at some degree you have to decide if you want to be happy or not. Of course I don't mean that from the moment you decide to be happy, it will magically happen, but you can decide to try to make it happen. As you said yourself, you are your worst enemy on that matter. As long as you go on saying "I'm ugly, I have no charisma, I'm socially awkward, and all these things will keep me from being happy until I die", you are not deciding to change the feelings you have towards yourself and your life. But from the moment you actually decide to become happy and put your heart to it, you will start doing things that make you feel better about yourself, then you will start to realize that being average looking is all right, being socially awkward is not such a big deal, and someday you will wake up in the morning thinking "I think I'm happy with who I became".

This is good advice, I'm gonna give it a try for one! :thumbup:

 

[1139]

It is just my opinion, but I think at some degree you have to decide if you want to be happy or not. Of course I don't mean that from the moment you decide to be happy, it will magically happen, but you can decide to try to make it happen. As you said yourself, you are your worst enemy on that matter. As long as you go on saying "I'm ugly, I have no charisma, I'm socially awkward, and all these things will keep me from being happy until I die", you are not deciding to change the feelings you have towards yourself and your life. But from the moment you actually decide to become happy and put your heart to it, you will start doing things that make you feel better about yourself, then you will start to realize that being average looking is all right, being socially awkward is not such a big deal, and someday you will wake up in the morning thinking "I think I'm happy with who I became".

Yea this is so true. We all have our bad days, good days and mediocre days. People who are happy all the time consciously decide too and after a while they just get use to that frame of mind I believe. So when I get sad I try to put positive thoughts in my head or do something positive like exercise or try and call someone or something. Yes of course most people here do have depression and probably have less serotonin/dopamine levels compared to the norm, but we can also try to push that serotonin back to our brains. Well we have to, what other choice do we have. If something doesn't work we just have to keep trying until it does, because if we don't try, then we really have nothing to be upset about do we...

 

[hardy]

pacific_loner and lea....i hear what you say. I understand life is not all happiness and that we can start to live happily if we put our mind to it.

A person with intense anxiety has to change certain things though. He/she cannot keep living in an atmosphere that is debilitating. He should go to places that are educational/positive. I haven't left home for like a month and it had such an adverse affect on myself n the family to say the least.

It's difficult to do it on our own...isn't it? My parents just cannot be cool around so much anxiety. I need to be around really strong people who can teach me how to be at peace when in distress. That way i know life isn't impossible. Normal people make me feel i am a psycho....positive people give me a lease to think it's okay to be anxious.

This is essential at least in the beginning i feel. ...i am sick of coming to social phobia world and give my lame a** advices to the people who need help. I want to come here for good inspiring talks.....cheerio

Think big....we need some pleasantness here. I feel somewhat wicked when someone says, " i cannot sit in a class, please help" kind of thing. There are already so many people who have answered that question. Stop asking the same questions....also know, if the people who come here knew the answers, they would be anxiety-free.

This place is so full of that i think.