I originally posted this in another thread but it was originally supposed to be a response to another's comment. Two hours later I realized that I needed to vent, and not wanting to take away from the op's support, I am posting this here:
Hey man. I feel for you. I was victimized at about 5th through 8th grade, when my OCD developed and singled me out. It was vicious and it made my life hell. I was too ashamed to talk about it and though my parents asked me if I was okay, they never pressed hard enough to get me to talk, and the only time I was emotional enough to talk, after an argument or something, my father would tell me that I was impossible to talk to and that it was too close to when everyone went to sleep and it would keep him up. So I never did talk. I endured, and I found some few friends in my life. I never felt secure though and it took a friends help for me to find a date to prom. Then, about two years later as I looked back at that night, and various other, less obvious situations, I realized that I had blown it and that there had been girls that I had a shot with, not so many in high school but a couple in college. My problem was that after so much isolation and degradation, I didn't see how anyone could like me. So I was too scared to see what the situation was or act on it until the time had passed.
I did make it out of high school with a great GPA, mainly getting by on my intelligence instead of time spent, and I went to a very good university. Things went alright freshman year and I did good. I was taking science classes, intent on fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a doctor. I was a little awkward, but I started to do better and by the end of the year I felt like I finally was in a good place in my life. I had made some good friends. Had some good times. I hadn't really connected with any girls but I had rounded a couple bases numerous times as I finished my year with a solid gpa and a new found hope for my life.
I coasted through the summer with a new found confidence my friends at home couldn't believe, and they were happy for me. I was happy for me. I couldn't wait to get back to school...now I wish I never had gone back that year.
I went back to a room full of new people, I had known some and they were good people, except for one. My direct roommate was one of my closest friends from last year. He came back from the summer confident too. He also came back a complete *******. The kid who was friendly, self-concious roommate one year ago, after Losing his virginity to someone most people would rather screw a bear than touch (I'm fine saying that cause she was a complete bitch)...came back and started ragging and making fun of everyone. When I let him know that I didn't like this, he said it was just ball busting and that everyone did it. It was a friend thing. I said the reason I wouldn't do it was because I was a friend. Maybe he saw this was a weakness, IDK, I'll never understand, or forgive, what he did but he started making degrading comments after everything I would say.
He made fun of my accent after almost anything I would say.
He made fun of the way I looked, calling me a holocaust victim, lanky kong, and other names I won't repeat.
He made numerous comments about wanting to see the girl that would fall for me.
He would yell at me over any comment I made, arguing and telling me I was wrong.
I found out that he told my room not to talk to me about sports because I was an annoying ass who was unrealistic about his team. I loved talking about sports, so this was confusing why nobody else would talk to me about them. He would joke around about me with other people and make me self concious in front of them.
I hit him one time when we were drinking and he said crap about my family. He used that as an excuse to continue.
The most devastating thing though, the death blow, the one that put me where I am was worse. After I started confronting him about everything, we got into a yelling match and one of my other roommates, not very bright but hating confrontation stepped in and tried to calm us down. He was impressionable though, and he tried to stop our fight by backing the piece of **** that did this too me. My bully had said that he was giving me a hard time because he was tired of constantly defending me from everyone else. That everyone talked **** and asked what it was like to live with me. That they didn't want me around and that I was awkward.
My other roommate backed him up, saying he always defended me.
When I asked who was taking ****, my bully told me "everyone."
To think that everyone hated me. To think that I had thought I was doing so well when I really had nothing. To be thrown back into that feeling of being alone and having nobody to turn to. That is the night I died. I'm still here today, but this is not who I am or what I should be.
I tried to do what I had done before, retreating from the world and concentrating on school...but I was in so much pain and my concentration, thus my grades began to slip. I stopped trying to get to know the new people I had met that year, not knowing if they were against me as well. There was only one friend I still trusted, and he was there for me. It just wasn't enough.
The kid wasn't content though, he used my new situation to ridicule me and grow more vicious than he ever had, knowing I felt alone and wouldn't tell the people I thought hated me. He told me things on numerous occassions drunk and sober such as:
"You don't deserve to ever get laid again" The pinnacle of life in his eyes
"You don't ever deserve to be happy"
"You think you have it bad mother------. Try being 260 lbs and not being able to getlaid, that's what I dealt with growing up"
"why don't you just kill yourself"
If you hear things like that so often for long enough, you begin to believe them. I had nothing to make me think otherwise and n
o will to fight back anymore.
Then a funny thing happened. He saw what he had done to me and actually felt bad. He broke down crying on numerous occasions asking me not to transfer as I had planned to. He apologized and stopped everything. He cried and told me about his problems, basically not sleeping with a girl accross the hall so he could throw her away like garbage. I didn't feel bad about his situation at all, but I did what I had always thought to be right and tried to make the stupid ****ed up loser feel better. I did stay, and I did make friends with the girls accross the hall and some other people. But I never really recovered.
I found out next year that what he had told me was a lie. One person had said something about me being socially awkward while my other roommate was around. That was who "everyone" was.
The next year I got him to tell me who, and that person had no room to talk.
When you're that depressed and think that nobody likes you, you act like it. You grow self concious, quiet and stop talking to people.
But I am considered awkward and a loser here now. I am a social lepper. I haven't had a girlfriend here or even come close. I grew more and more depressed as my grades slipped and medical school is no longer an option, as well as any other thing I would have accepted. I feel isolated from people that I can reason are my friends, but he emotional component is not there. I am self-concious, I don't see how anyone could ever like me, I get nervous around other people and my heart races and my voice changes when I try to talk. I never have anything to say and when I do I hesitate, still avoiding the long gone ridicule that used to follow my every sentence. I can't concentrate and now I'm taking, and struggling with, easy classes that I am taking merely so I can graduate and leave what has become a 3 year funeral for me. Last summer I realized what I had lost and tried to kill myself using the medication I was on to, (unsuccessfully) help me cope. I was in a coma for a week and now I won't graduate on time. I am struggling even more with decreased brain abilities and no medication to help me. I am simply waiting to die. I won't try to kill myself again, but I go to bed praying every night that I won't wake up.
I have seen everyone grow and succeed here in college. Find relationships, live their lives, set themselves up for a great future. The person responsible is on his way to medical school, my former dream. He gave up drinking to fix his grades and concentrate. Concentrate and work like I had tried to sophmore year. He puts in more effort than I had to to get the type of grades that I had been getting that year before this happened. Nobody hear knows how smart I used to be and how easily things came to me. With the work I put into everything to get by with a 3.0, barely, I would be getting the grades I needed. 15 hours for a C, 20 hours on a paper for a c-. This is my life. I don't do anything other than study for almost all of my free time. I tried to forgive the person who did this too me, and I am a good friend to everyone, including him, but I am in more pain now then I was then. I wish I would have done more, done something different. I know now where this left me. And it would have been more humane to just kill me.
I started crying and being sad all the time. At Disney world, sports games. At anything that reminded me of a happier time. I just wanted to belong and feel loved. I haven't been happy or had a good night's sleep since this happened.
Seeing how this affected me, the kid has slowly began to repress what he did. I've seen this over the last two years. He doesn't remember much of what I see in flashbacks and hear in my mind every day of my life. He doesn't understand that what I dream about almost every night is what happened to me. He doesn't understand why I'm so miserable and how I'm struggling with my easy major. He doesn't think that a little "ball busting" was responsible for ruining everything that I had worked so hard and waited so long to get.
He doesn't get that it just pisses me off when he tries to "motivate" me by saying that I "shouldn't care what other people think," or that "school is the only thing that matters" or that "I should try to be happy, cause when I'm not it weighs on him," or that I should try o act happy at least because it shows on my face so clearly that I'm miserable and upset. He doesn't get that these things make me angry and worse off. His daily ruminations on how "the only people you can trust are your family," "that nobody else gives a **** other than them," that it's a waste of time and demoralizing to hang out with girls "when you don't get anything out of it." I had a realization this year about how this friendship has been the most devastating thing to my well being...not the OCD, depression etc. I just block everything out that he says now, or tell him he's really screwed up...which he clearly is. But that's not my problem,and I don't care about his issues. I only stay civil because we have the same friends an it is easier this way, or at least I thought it would be, and I didn't have the confidence when it mattered to believe that anyone would side with the depressed kid over the funny, closet psycho.He felt bad, he apologized, he hasn't done anything malicious since that time, so I try to forgive, but it's hard...and I know I never should have went down that path. If I could do it again I wouldn't even hesitate to beat the hell out of him...but he's done nothing since then, and I feel, whether it is true or not, that I have no basis to bring this up again. I will struggle with the loses I have endured for the rest of my life and see no end in sight.
For the first time in my life I felt good. I had been happier and better off than I had ever remembered. And I was cut down by one of my closest friends to the point where I have tried to kill myself, my gpa is abysmal, and I struggle with the simplest tasks. I feel completely isolated, I don't feel any connection with the few friends I have left, and I just want to die so the pain will finally stop.
Hey man. I feel for you. I was victimized at about 5th through 8th grade, when my OCD developed and singled me out. It was vicious and it made my life hell. I was too ashamed to talk about it and though my parents asked me if I was okay, they never pressed hard enough to get me to talk, and the only time I was emotional enough to talk, after an argument or something, my father would tell me that I was impossible to talk to and that it was too close to when everyone went to sleep and it would keep him up. So I never did talk. I endured, and I found some few friends in my life. I never felt secure though and it took a friends help for me to find a date to prom. Then, about two years later as I looked back at that night, and various other, less obvious situations, I realized that I had blown it and that there had been girls that I had a shot with, not so many in high school but a couple in college. My problem was that after so much isolation and degradation, I didn't see how anyone could like me. So I was too scared to see what the situation was or act on it until the time had passed.
I did make it out of high school with a great GPA, mainly getting by on my intelligence instead of time spent, and I went to a very good university. Things went alright freshman year and I did good. I was taking science classes, intent on fulfilling my childhood dream of becoming a doctor. I was a little awkward, but I started to do better and by the end of the year I felt like I finally was in a good place in my life. I had made some good friends. Had some good times. I hadn't really connected with any girls but I had rounded a couple bases numerous times as I finished my year with a solid gpa and a new found hope for my life.
I coasted through the summer with a new found confidence my friends at home couldn't believe, and they were happy for me. I was happy for me. I couldn't wait to get back to school...now I wish I never had gone back that year.
I went back to a room full of new people, I had known some and they were good people, except for one. My direct roommate was one of my closest friends from last year. He came back from the summer confident too. He also came back a complete *******. The kid who was friendly, self-concious roommate one year ago, after Losing his virginity to someone most people would rather screw a bear than touch (I'm fine saying that cause she was a complete bitch)...came back and started ragging and making fun of everyone. When I let him know that I didn't like this, he said it was just ball busting and that everyone did it. It was a friend thing. I said the reason I wouldn't do it was because I was a friend. Maybe he saw this was a weakness, IDK, I'll never understand, or forgive, what he did but he started making degrading comments after everything I would say.
He made fun of my accent after almost anything I would say.
He made fun of the way I looked, calling me a holocaust victim, lanky kong, and other names I won't repeat.
He made numerous comments about wanting to see the girl that would fall for me.
He would yell at me over any comment I made, arguing and telling me I was wrong.
I found out that he told my room not to talk to me about sports because I was an annoying ass who was unrealistic about his team. I loved talking about sports, so this was confusing why nobody else would talk to me about them. He would joke around about me with other people and make me self concious in front of them.
I hit him one time when we were drinking and he said crap about my family. He used that as an excuse to continue.
The most devastating thing though, the death blow, the one that put me where I am was worse. After I started confronting him about everything, we got into a yelling match and one of my other roommates, not very bright but hating confrontation stepped in and tried to calm us down. He was impressionable though, and he tried to stop our fight by backing the piece of **** that did this too me. My bully had said that he was giving me a hard time because he was tired of constantly defending me from everyone else. That everyone talked **** and asked what it was like to live with me. That they didn't want me around and that I was awkward.
My other roommate backed him up, saying he always defended me.
When I asked who was taking ****, my bully told me "everyone."
To think that everyone hated me. To think that I had thought I was doing so well when I really had nothing. To be thrown back into that feeling of being alone and having nobody to turn to. That is the night I died. I'm still here today, but this is not who I am or what I should be.
I tried to do what I had done before, retreating from the world and concentrating on school...but I was in so much pain and my concentration, thus my grades began to slip. I stopped trying to get to know the new people I had met that year, not knowing if they were against me as well. There was only one friend I still trusted, and he was there for me. It just wasn't enough.
The kid wasn't content though, he used my new situation to ridicule me and grow more vicious than he ever had, knowing I felt alone and wouldn't tell the people I thought hated me. He told me things on numerous occassions drunk and sober such as:
"You don't deserve to ever get laid again" The pinnacle of life in his eyes
"You don't ever deserve to be happy"
"You think you have it bad mother------. Try being 260 lbs and not being able to getlaid, that's what I dealt with growing up"
"why don't you just kill yourself"
If you hear things like that so often for long enough, you begin to believe them. I had nothing to make me think otherwise and n
o will to fight back anymore.
Then a funny thing happened. He saw what he had done to me and actually felt bad. He broke down crying on numerous occasions asking me not to transfer as I had planned to. He apologized and stopped everything. He cried and told me about his problems, basically not sleeping with a girl accross the hall so he could throw her away like garbage. I didn't feel bad about his situation at all, but I did what I had always thought to be right and tried to make the stupid ****ed up loser feel better. I did stay, and I did make friends with the girls accross the hall and some other people. But I never really recovered.
I found out next year that what he had told me was a lie. One person had said something about me being socially awkward while my other roommate was around. That was who "everyone" was.
The next year I got him to tell me who, and that person had no room to talk.
When you're that depressed and think that nobody likes you, you act like it. You grow self concious, quiet and stop talking to people.
But I am considered awkward and a loser here now. I am a social lepper. I haven't had a girlfriend here or even come close. I grew more and more depressed as my grades slipped and medical school is no longer an option, as well as any other thing I would have accepted. I feel isolated from people that I can reason are my friends, but he emotional component is not there. I am self-concious, I don't see how anyone could ever like me, I get nervous around other people and my heart races and my voice changes when I try to talk. I never have anything to say and when I do I hesitate, still avoiding the long gone ridicule that used to follow my every sentence. I can't concentrate and now I'm taking, and struggling with, easy classes that I am taking merely so I can graduate and leave what has become a 3 year funeral for me. Last summer I realized what I had lost and tried to kill myself using the medication I was on to, (unsuccessfully) help me cope. I was in a coma for a week and now I won't graduate on time. I am struggling even more with decreased brain abilities and no medication to help me. I am simply waiting to die. I won't try to kill myself again, but I go to bed praying every night that I won't wake up.
I have seen everyone grow and succeed here in college. Find relationships, live their lives, set themselves up for a great future. The person responsible is on his way to medical school, my former dream. He gave up drinking to fix his grades and concentrate. Concentrate and work like I had tried to sophmore year. He puts in more effort than I had to to get the type of grades that I had been getting that year before this happened. Nobody hear knows how smart I used to be and how easily things came to me. With the work I put into everything to get by with a 3.0, barely, I would be getting the grades I needed. 15 hours for a C, 20 hours on a paper for a c-. This is my life. I don't do anything other than study for almost all of my free time. I tried to forgive the person who did this too me, and I am a good friend to everyone, including him, but I am in more pain now then I was then. I wish I would have done more, done something different. I know now where this left me. And it would have been more humane to just kill me.
I started crying and being sad all the time. At Disney world, sports games. At anything that reminded me of a happier time. I just wanted to belong and feel loved. I haven't been happy or had a good night's sleep since this happened.
Seeing how this affected me, the kid has slowly began to repress what he did. I've seen this over the last two years. He doesn't remember much of what I see in flashbacks and hear in my mind every day of my life. He doesn't understand that what I dream about almost every night is what happened to me. He doesn't understand why I'm so miserable and how I'm struggling with my easy major. He doesn't think that a little "ball busting" was responsible for ruining everything that I had worked so hard and waited so long to get.
He doesn't get that it just pisses me off when he tries to "motivate" me by saying that I "shouldn't care what other people think," or that "school is the only thing that matters" or that "I should try to be happy, cause when I'm not it weighs on him," or that I should try o act happy at least because it shows on my face so clearly that I'm miserable and upset. He doesn't get that these things make me angry and worse off. His daily ruminations on how "the only people you can trust are your family," "that nobody else gives a **** other than them," that it's a waste of time and demoralizing to hang out with girls "when you don't get anything out of it." I had a realization this year about how this friendship has been the most devastating thing to my well being...not the OCD, depression etc. I just block everything out that he says now, or tell him he's really screwed up...which he clearly is. But that's not my problem,and I don't care about his issues. I only stay civil because we have the same friends an it is easier this way, or at least I thought it would be, and I didn't have the confidence when it mattered to believe that anyone would side with the depressed kid over the funny, closet psycho.He felt bad, he apologized, he hasn't done anything malicious since that time, so I try to forgive, but it's hard...and I know I never should have went down that path. If I could do it again I wouldn't even hesitate to beat the hell out of him...but he's done nothing since then, and I feel, whether it is true or not, that I have no basis to bring this up again. I will struggle with the loses I have endured for the rest of my life and see no end in sight.
For the first time in my life I felt good. I had been happier and better off than I had ever remembered. And I was cut down by one of my closest friends to the point where I have tried to kill myself, my gpa is abysmal, and I struggle with the simplest tasks. I feel completely isolated, I don't feel any connection with the few friends I have left, and I just want to die so the pain will finally stop.
: Hang in there. You'll find someone who could help you, I'm sure. I hope you find the strength to get over what happened and not let it take over your life.
