It Never Ends, Does It?

[black-wings]

So, a friend of mine is going back to college and i think about how social this person is and it makes me so jealous in a way. As most of you know, I have social phobia and i thought for sure it wasgetting betterand how wrong i was. I've tried exposure therapy and its showing little to know affect. Whenever I talking to someone or a group of people, its like they look at me like they're sooooo shocked I said anything. That really irritates meSo now, where do we go from here? Im planning on just goingMIA, not speaking or socializing with anyone until June whenI graduate.So, after school I'm gonna find a therapist and get help.I hate getting on here and bitching and whining about this but I mean Im out of options. Cuz it hurts to know that friends, like the one i mentioned, are friends (and REALLY good ones at that)and then lose them as they find other friends and Im unableto move on anddo the same. But anyways, thats enough for now. Had to get that off my chest.

 

[ilmatross]

No one's opinion of you matters. Not a single one. They do not think of you once you exit the room, they do not think of you on your way to the social outing. You never cross anyone's mind until you speak publicly. Just because they're shocked a person with social anxiety speaks does not mean they think badly of you, and even if they did it doesn't matter. Life is much to short to be concerned with what other people think. You are here for roughly 70 years of life and then you perish. To think some people (I am not accusing you, just pointing out the fact) obsess over what others think for the majority of their life to the point it hinders their experience is a sad fact.

You have to get it in your head that you're going to do what you want to do in life, achieve what you want to achieve, and try to make friends along the way. No one's going to stop you doing that, and if you make friends great if not it doesn't matter. You can't stay inside afraid, you have no time in life to do that. I am speaking from a place very similar to yours, I am an agoraphobic. But I'm pushing myself out the door every single day because I know we don't have the time to waste on this earth, I'll be god damned if someone else's opinion causes fear in me to not enjoy my life to the fullest. It did in the past, not anymore.

 

[black-wings]

Well that sounds nice and all but might i point out that I've done the same thing. I TRY to make friends but it's SOOOOOOO much easier said then done. I think that's why I feel the way do. I'm tired of living this life, I wanna make friends, party, socialize, travel. I don't know what to do.

 

[Hamelech]

Maybe what you need are not trully friends, but superficial people to hang out with, but that's difficult to achieve when you're honest. Social success is for hipocrats and smarts, not for emotional retards like us.

I had friends, but not anymore.

YouTube - Simon & Garfunkel - I Am a Rock

 

[black-wings]

Well bro the thing is, I don't wanna be a prisoner to my anxiety and phobia the rest of my life. Thats why im frustrated.

 

[ilmatross]

Well that sounds nice and all but might i point out that I've done the same thing. I TRY to make friends but it's SOOOOOOO much easier said then done. I think that's why I feel the way do. I'm tired of living this life, I wanna make friends, party, socialize, travel. I don't know what to do.

I know it is, like i said im an agoraphobic. i go months without leaving the house

im just saying you have to want it, and above all NOT CARE about rejection or lowly opinions of you held by other people.

Ive made like 10 friends online in one day yesterday just by reaching out and talking to people randomly, asking how they are, over the mic. people of all colors, and i had them all in the same room talking together. I brought all those people together and im an agoraphobic with severe social anxiety to the point if i go into a store i cant look the cashier in the eye and i shake.

 

[JamesSmith]

No one's opinion of you matters. Not a single one. They do not think of you once you exit the room, they do not think of you on your way to the social outing. You never cross anyone's mind until you speak publicly.

What? People talk about other people all the time, that's what gossip is. What makes you think they never talk about this guy? I mean I get that you are trying to say that people don't talk about us as much as we think, and I agree with that, but to say people never talk about us when we aren't around is definitely not true. With your statement, it makes it sound like you think people literally never think about or talk about shy people, which is not true.

 

[black-wings]

what site was this you speak of?

 

[ilmatross]

What? People talk about other people all the time, that's what gossip is. What makes you think they never talk about this guy? I mean I get that you are trying to say that people don't talk about us as much as we think, and I agree with that, but to say people never talk about us when we aren't around is definitely not true. With your statement, it makes it sound like you think people literally never think about or talk about shy people, which is not true.

I was over generalizing the idea that noone speaks about you as much as you think. of course you're talked about at some point, but it doesn't matter. their opinion doesn't matter.

I can't really articulate why, but it doesn't.

 

[ilmatross]

what site was this you speak of?

was this addressed to me? I was talking about a videogame.

 

[Feathers]

black-wings, many people drift apart when college or university ends... it doesn't mean anything much..
they may still like each other, but life may take'em in different directions...

so wherever you will go in new directions, you will find new people (or re-meet previous acquaintances) there... online & offline... many people find new friends in co-workers or when travelling or just going through life... or through volunteering or interest clubs/societies/organisations etc.

do you already know what you'll be doing? that can make it easier... (you look for people going in a similar direction...)

it can be scary again, when you go into new ways, but rewarding afterwards too...

if people knew you as 'the quiet one' it can be surprising to them that you speak.. though new people you meet won't have those misconceptions and will accept you as you are!!

 

[krs2snow]

Here are the lyrics to Hamelech's post. Just look at the lyrics. These type of feelings have been exressed since b4 u were born. U're not alone. Others have the same feelings as u do. And there is hope. U're the one that can change everything in ur life. Its all up to U how u expereince things. I know the frustration ur feeling. I feel the same way. Watching others move through life while I seem perpetually stuck in the same place. I just know that it is about me. Not them. I hold myself back. Noone else is to blame. I think that's what ilmatross was talking about. Others opinions should have no bearing on who u are, what u do or how u think about urself. Its ultimately U that u have to face. It's U that is living ur life. And pple don't look at our blunders as much as we imagine they do. Everybody is looking out for themselves. So are u, so am I, so is everyone else. We (meaning everyone) are a self-absorbed species. Look at the things we on SPW post about. Our pain, our discomfort, how horrible our life is. etc. All focused around ourselves. Maybe the answer to SA is to put our attention onto others. Not focus on ourselves but focus on what others may be feeling and experiencing.

I am a Rock
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
Well, I've heard the word before.
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.