Is anybody happy???

[Alexp]

Hi allergic2kryptonit,

When you say you grew up feeling unloved, I assume you are probably referring to conditional love right? The kind of love that was given only when you met their expectations or did exactly what they want? Or the type of love that felt like it was taken away when you did something they didn’t like?

I believe its quite rare to have parents who simply outright dislike their children, but very common for conditional love which can do just as much damage. Let me know if its not conditional love though.

I grew up with conditional love parents as I assume a lot of us (certainly not all) with social anxiety would have too.

You are right though, people do end up mimicking their parents love pattern though to various degrees. If you don’t live up to your own expectations now or you feel that what you do isn’t quite right, you will start to hate yourself. This is where the low self esteem starts developing as well as the potential for a lot of anxiety and depression.

The most effective thing I’ve ever learned that helped me is to continually tell myself that I am still a good person if I make a mistake or if someone doesn’t like me or what I did. I use it to help combat that conditional voice that says if I don’t do exactly what I want or if I fail myself (stems from when I failed my parents) then I am worthless and not worthy of love.

Everyday for awhile, I would recite something along the lines of : I’m not perfect and I do make mistake, but that’s okay because I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can ask for. I’m still a good person.

Sounds kinda silly, but it really did help me because its at the core of what’s causing such havoc.

 

[cLavain]

I think happiness, or at least an approximation of it, requires having some clear goals AND being engaged in the pursuit of them with a reasonable hope of success. As long as an individual can feel absorbed by such activity, he/she will probably feel relatively happy or content. Personally that's what I feel I lack the most at the moment, a sense of purpose, a direction to go, and willingness and ability to go that way.

Yes, that's certainly a big part of it. Being optimistic about the future and feeling in control of events are crucial factors for me. Actually, I remember clearly the last time I was really happy. I can recall the situation (which happened in my early teens) quite well, and the feeling I had was that the future was going to be good. I'm pretty sure it was a moment of happiness. But no more than a few days later, a series of events triggered an emotional downward spiral and I've never felt anything like that again. Today, rather unambitiously perhaps, I'm only aiming for contentness. I might have to lower my expections again though...

 

[gazelle]

I have not been very happy lately, kind of glum and negative. I'm feeling like i'm disconnecting from the world again and like if I don't get around the right people soon I will be depressed and miserable again. I'm very happy and cheerful sometimes though, it seems to depend on who i'm spending time with.

I agree with you....experience has shown me that being around superficial and negative poeple has always triggered my anti social mental state and in fact one of my best friends used to be like that .... I ditched her a year ago and have nothing to regret about it!

 

[LadyWench]

Trying to be happy. That's my main goal in life - to experience true, genuine bliss. Sadly, I don't think this is attainable for me. I'm always worrying, obsessing, feeling sorry for myself. Blah blah. I'm pathetic.

 

[lyricalliaisons]

I'm not happy at all. I never have been. But I have felt much worse than I feel right now, though. So that's good.

 

[mrb]

i would say 80 per cent happy 20 per cent not , i dont think ill ever be 100 per cent happy , but lets be honest who the hell is 100 per cent happy ....

 

[El_Pajaro]

Im not sure I'll ever be happy
I would be content with not hurting anymore

 

[jannuzf]

Hi all, I am new here.

I agree with those that say that happiness is not a real attainable goal..you can find moments of happiness in your life, but not live in a state of happiness.

I now feel more and more that the focus on my life is to try to understand who I am, and try to find a meaning to my life. Being an atheist I do not really see any sort of deep meaning for life, and as such feel that I have to construct a meaning, to my life, in this meaningless world.

Having said all of that, I am not content with my life at the moment. I feel lost, without direction...I dont seem to be able to fit into this adult materialistic world, and at the same time don't know any other possible paths to follow. One the one hand I wanted to be like others, and get a decent job and find a nice girl and settle down...on the other I look at people that I know that have done that, and at how they become, what now motivates them (£££ & goods)...and feel they become slowly and surely very empty, shallow.
not sure where I am going with this so will stop now!

 

[mrb]

happy is getting drunk on a beach with the wind in your hair , watching the sky turn red as the sun goes down , oh also a fishing rod waiting for that awsome big fish bite...

 

[Luke1993]

I think I'm mostly happy right now. I've definitely improved.

 

[Demnos]

Hey guys, happiness does exist, but like so many things in life, it is completely relative.

The trick for attaining "happiness" is discerning who YOU are. That is to say, what YOU represent. Specifically, what YOUR values are.

When I say “values” I don’t mean “stuff you like” I mean, specifically, what you aspire to.

For instance, my heros (the people I aspire to the same ends of) are Socrates, Machiavelli, Napoleon and Miyamoto Musashi. When I take the time to analyse that list, my values become evident.

Wisdom, Sacrifice, Morality, Power and a sense of Honour (however that is defined).

Who are your heroes, and, by extension, what are your values?

The answer to that question is the very basis for defining who YOU are. Until you understand who YOU are there is no hope at all of anyone accepting you for who YOU are, because you are still trying to define yourself. No one can journey with you if you do not know where you are headed, right?

Strangely, the very fact that you’re looking for answers puts you far ahead of the rest of the world, evolutionarily speaking. Most people who believe in God (sorry to use religion as a metaphor, here) have never read the Bible, and most people who are social have no idea who they are. They have simply learned what the general population expects of them and they have adhered, without thought, to that code.

Of course, these people would not lay down their lives for the codes they live by, because the code does not reflect who they are, it simply dictates what they have elected to show the world.

Once you understand who YOU are then you will understand where you are headed. If Money, Respect and Control are your values, then stand for them. Live in their pursuit. Die for their possession.

Others who pursue those same values will befriend you. Those who despise those values will reject you.

This is life. Understanding the world is no more complex than understanding yourself and the fact that nothing in the universe is independent; but rather, we are all completely inter-dependent.

Without plebeians there would be no one to rule, and therefore no one for the Powerful to exercise their power over. Without the poor there would be no Wealthy. Without contempt there would be no Respect. We need all perspectives in order to have any. Find out what yours are and play that hand.

Walk your path. You will find that there are others on that same road.

If you do not walk the path, you will simply remain standing where you are, and clearly this prospect is unsatisfactory to you, or you wouldn’t be posting here.

No?

 

[jannuzf]

Demos...you talk as if what is rational/logical always follows how you feel. From a purely rational point of view I care very little about other opinions of me (dont mean this in a bad way)...but thats not how I react on an emotional level when I am around people (hence thats why I am in an SA forum).

Then there are other complications...I dont need luxury in my life, but I need enough to get by...internet, food, a decent room (house), etc. For this you need some $$....if you are lucky to live or have been born in a developed country, where the state helps people and have a good social system that is great. I am Brazilian, and as such need to provide for myself...if one day I want to have kids, and provide them a decent education here I will need quite a bit of $$ as public schools here are terrible. Therefore, in some way I have to fit into this world, and find a job that accepts me how I am (hard work), or try to change...anyway, my point is that its hard to follow a path that matches your values as there are other considerations that get in the way.

 

[Demnos]

Jannuzf, I find your dialogue very useful. I genuinely appreciate the education (I’m not SA anymore, but I was very, very withdrawn in my youth before a spate of attenuated violence eventually destroyed my ego, which is what this is about, isn’t it? Ego I mean). That said, I still don’t like crowds and would cut off my hand to avoid going clubbing with friends.

To tackle this issue though: I do not mean to imply that the rational/logical follows what you feel. Quite the reverse in fact, what you feel is completely rational/logical. Whatever it is that you feel. And as something is rational/logical, cause and effect dictates that you are in control of it.

I remember I was being made redundant from a job many years ago, just when I was getting married (to a Venezuelan, incidentally), and the timing was horrible and money was very tight.

It was a moment of real, earth shattering change in that I knew, about two minutes before they said the words “we’re going to have to let you go”, that they were going to “let me go”.

It occurred to me that I had a choice. I could feel any number of ways about the situation I was about to be put in, and it struck me that no one cared if it made me unhappy, that it would gain me nothing in the way of an advantage and that me being unhappy, objectively, meant that I would be operating at a level beneath my potential (scientific fact) as a result of my depression.

So I chose to react in a way that would make my life better and would make me more efficient at finding another job. I smiled (a good first step) thanked them, shook their hands, and left. Then I phoned my fiancée and I told her that I’d just been given the most AMAZING opportunity; I was going to get three months of pay (redundancy package) for NOTHING, I would get a week of holiday, and then I was going to find a job that I liked more than the one I was in.

Her response was, “erm… you mean you just got fired?”

She couldn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. I felt happy, and it was a choice. It was tough (I won’t deny it) but I have carried that lesson with me ever since that day. Whenever I am faced with the prospect of getting emotional I have exercised my will over my emotion in the same way as a person exercises any muscle.

It would be unethical and arrogant of me to comment/advise on how to survive in Brazil when I have not experienced what you are facing first hand. I hear a lot from my wife (Venezuela is, arguably worse), but that doesn’t make me practiced at any solutions. But I am practiced at emotion, so on that subject I do reserve the right to put forth my opinion.