inferiority resulting from a loveless life..

[madmike]

I'm 21, same boat as you. but hey let's be optimistic. if we want to continue our lives and not suicide then first we have to be optimistic.
and second we should stop, yeah, I think we should stop searching all details related to shyness, love-shyness, SA etc. since I discovered that I'm a SAist it's like I added more to my fears. I have social anxiety, oh look, I can't do this..., look I'm sweating....NO, this is not the way things must go on.
the way would be like: ok, I'm shy, I'm more sensitive than others but that's me and with goods and bads I have to go on.
I don't know about you guys, but for me if I looked a little better (although I'm not that bad ) I think I would play better in this field.
so after my chickenpox (I'm still a kid) I'm gonna start going to gym to build my body and my self-confidence. and after a while I hope I'll find a girl to fall inlove and she will eventually leave me for a jerk and that's it
and below it's some reasons to make you feel less depressed. if you aren't in my situations than feel better:

I have a small dick
no girl ever told me that she likes me (except one quit 8 year old girl, a nephew of my sister-in-law )
I'm skinny, and really really concerned almost everyday
I am sort of a porn addict
I don't have many friends, because a reason or other I more lose friends
I don't know to dance at all
I judge people a lot
etc. etc.

Absolutely, we shouldn't be limiting ourselves through these labels. We might have it harder than some, but i think as long as we keep trying we'll feel much more gratified ourselves, even if there's some failure.

I've only ever been in one relationship which lasted about six months. It's so rewarding though, it'll definitely make you feel more worthy... i felt so confident afterwards i even ended the relationship thinking i could find someone else; kinda regretting that now still, i'm pretty there'll be others along hehe

 

[madmike]

Btw, has anyone had experiences with dating websites, and if so how did it go? I've had the idea in the back o my mind for ages, but i'm leaving it as a last resort sort of thing (since i'm still at uni and have plenty of opportunity to meet girls in other circumstances) but it seems to work for so many people...

 

[no1]

i feel that maybe your feeling of being "inferior" or "not complete" is not only the product of not having any type of romantic relationship, but also, not having any relationship is a product of not being a whole person. before you enter into a relationship with someone else, you have to be a whole person already. you have to have a direction in your life for yourself, before you should enter into a relationship with another person. it just simply isn't fair to be in a relationship with someone, expecting them to somehow "complete" you or make you "whole."

the thing that people with SA have to deal with i think, is realizing that if they are in a relationship or not, they will still have SA, life will still be hard and it won't get easier just because they are in a relationship.

do something for YOU in your life, and love will come. someday it will, i promise that.

but what if you've always been a "whole" person? The only thing missing was that you ended up lonely, and you'll have to suffer being judged for "being lonely" and "inexperienced". maybe people just view me as "unwhole" in the first place, because I grew up alone, thus never having any social experience (which is life itself).

It's much harder to gain social experience or experience in general when you're older because of how you will be seen, and how imbalanced it is, than if you were young, because that's when you were supposed to learn and do all that.

This whole thing about men and women rejecting people because they are "desperate" or "lonely" just isn't right. What if the only thing that was missing ever in their lives was social contact?

What if you just missed out on it for reasons OTHER than that you were a 'bad' or 'boring' or 'underdeveloped' 'unwhole' person? A perfectly good person can just be at the wrong place and the wrong time, and then people will judge him/her simply because he/she 'appears' a certain way, to That person, which is only really an overlay of who the person really is usually and most likely.

again. what if the person was simply locked up in a cell his entire childhood, and one day he escaped. Looking for a friend he was unable to find any because people thought "he was too desperate, thus an underdeveloped person", they never thought that maybe that was the actual thing he needed to get better.

how is a lonely person to get better in the first place if all people want to do is leave him alone, and let him suffer the very thing he needs help with and the others have all the resources to so help him. I wouldn't be very motivated after such a thing, not only that, biologically it just doesn't fit. Most likely wouldn't happen for humans need contact, we are social beings.

What would Earth be if everyone who was lonely was thought of as a desperate loser with no life, and never having had a life?

 

[no1]

Nobody was really meant to live a lonely life. How could you just expect a lonely person who has been lonely all his life to just one day decide to (as if he could) be absolutely ok with it in all aspects and live like a person who isn't lonely? Unless he's been hypnotized and has had his whole memory redone with new memories and information in his mind about his/her makeup down to EAch and Every Cell in each and every organ (because cells have memory too). It's not just feelings, or emotions we are dealing with. We are dealing with a physical memory. A physical dent to your physical body.

The memory we are talking about is a physical memory, ie, consequence. Not mere "pictures" or "mental imagery". It is just like.. A person who has had his limbs cut off a decade ago. Always have had his limbs cut off and always will have too. It is a physical happenstance, not mere "memory".

 

[meatcake]

i remember wondering the same thing, back when i was ridiculously depressed and cut off from everybody in college. i craved having friends and a girlfriend, but my very desperation would drive people away.

the only way i was able to get out of it was through therapy. you form a relationship with the therapist, and that becomes a basis for feeling more confident about forming relationships with other people. that's not to say there aren't other ways though.

of course, if your problems go deeper than just social anxiety, 20 years later you realize you should have stuck with it longer and gone into more depth, because whatever relationships you manage to form are all screwed up. which causes social anxiety to come back.

ugh.

 

[stand_up]

What if we were to face our rejections or so-called failures from a different angle tomorrow?....

If my body or soul is half broken, weak, inferior or about to break,... why try to fix it? Why not just break the ^#$%en thing and start a new "self". A self that really reflects what we really want not fear nor dread.

I tried the good guy approach in life for all my life but it hasn't worked out very well... So lets look at what's left for me to choose from: "Am I going to be a bad motherf#$ker? or a sad motherf#$ker in my approach to life?"

I stood up and chose the first one, but still keeping my logic system intact, in that I still respect the law, respect other people's feelings and situations and uphold fair play.

After that I felt lonely less often, because I became selfish..... Instead of thinking "When will I ever get someone" I would think "What should I do that makes me feel good?"

Not sure if my strategy will work, but I plan to go from Selfishness to ....Feeling good ....to Better confidence.....to minorSocial involvement ....and then to possibly Getting to know someone better..... and whatever outcome that leads to,...well we'll cross or burn that bridge when we come to it.

 

[this_portrait]

I feel like that sometimes, knowing that nearly everyone around me has experience in that realm. Sometimes I feel like a little kid, because I have no clue how to act around the guys I think are attractive. Yeah, everyone says to just 'be yourself,' but as a social phobe, that's difficult for me.

Whenever I'm feeling this way, and I talk to someone who is older about it, they tell me, 'Oh, you're young! You have your whole life to experience dating and relationships!' For some reason I just feel as if that's never going to happen, because nearly everyone else I know has been dating since they were teenagers. I feel like it's never going to happen to me because of my withdrawn nature.

And it may just be my mind playing tricks on me, but whenever I come across couples, it seems as if the two in them (particularly the female) tend to look down on you when they find out you don't have any dating experience whatsoever. Maybe they don't, and it's just my mind playing tricks on me, but it sure seems like they do.

 

[no1]

What if we were to face our rejections or so-called failures from a different angle tomorrow?....

If my body or soul is half broken, weak, inferior or about to break,... why try to fix it? Why not just break the ^#$%en thing and start a new "self". A self that really reflects what we really want not fear nor dread.

I tried the good guy approach in life for all my life but it hasn't worked out very well... So lets look at what's left for me to choose from: "Am I going to be a bad motherf#$ker? or a sad motherf#$ker in my approach to life?"

I stood up and chose the first one, but still keeping my logic system intact, in that I still respect the law, respect other people's feelings and situations and uphold fair play.

After that I felt lonely less often, because I became selfish..... Instead of thinking "When will I ever get someone" I would think "What should I do that makes me feel good?"

Not sure if my strategy will work, but I plan to go from Selfishness to ....Feeling good ....to Better confidence.....to minorSocial involvement ....and then to possibly Getting to know someone better..... and whatever outcome that leads to,...well we'll cross or burn that bridge when we come to it.

yea, it's a bad conclusion to come up with.. that you've got to be bad in this society to get where you need to be. But come on don't cave in, you don't have to abandon your good side.

 

[userremoved]

Yeah that's been my greatest fear of entering an intimate relationship. I'm 26 now and I know nothing whatsoever about dating and all that good stuff. It does carry a certain level of humiliation especially since I see my nephew do it like it's second nature. And you really can't expect much help because looking desperate gives people the impression that you might be dangerous to them. Which I'll admit is scary looking. The only thing that gets me through the loneliness is trying to enjoy the other things in life that doesn't require a partner.

 

[iamthenra]

Yep.... I know what you mean No1..... I am also in that same boat. But should we really say that we have no self worth because nobody has wanted to be our girl friend? Is that all it takes for self worth, to be in a relationship whether it is a romantic relationship or not... That should NOT define us as being worthy to anyone.

I have what the docs call "sexual OCD".... So evidently I obsess about "sex" more often than the normal male... Which I find hard to believe! But that obsessive thinking in myself always leads to extreme frustration and of course depression, because I don't feel "worthy" of anyone. Then comes all the negative self talk I usually do, like: "It wouldn't matter anyways, because I would make a horrible lover.. because I don't know how to please a woman..." or "You have never had a girl friend, and nobody wants to train in a 40+ year old guy..." So, I guess self worth has to be defined from within, and not by what we do or who we are with. I know it's difficult as I struggle with inferiority and self worth allot. We need to focus on our strengths as human beings. If you look hard enough, you will find some good qualities within you, and stay focused on those. Try to push out the negative thoughts. From what I have been told, is that "happiness" and positive people are very attractive, irregardless of how they look...

 

[Noca]

I feel no better than I was before having relationships. They have come and gone and not made me any better of a person.

 

[just_shadows]

but what if you've always been a "whole" person? The only thing missing was that you ended up lonely, and you'll have to suffer being judged for "being lonely" and "inexperienced". maybe people just view me as "unwhole" in the first place, because I grew up alone, thus never having any social experience (which is life itself).

It's much harder to gain social experience or experience in general when you're older because of how you will be seen, and how imbalanced it is, than if you were young, because that's when you were supposed to learn and do all that.

This whole thing about men and women rejecting people because they are "desperate" or "lonely" just isn't right. What if the only thing that was missing ever in their lives was social contact?

What if you just missed out on it for reasons OTHER than that you were a 'bad' or 'boring' or 'underdeveloped' 'unwhole' person? A perfectly good person can just be at the wrong place and the wrong time, and then people will judge him/her simply because he/she 'appears' a certain way, to That person, which is only really an overlay of who the person really is usually and most likely.

again. what if the person was simply locked up in a cell his entire childhood, and one day he escaped. Looking for a friend he was unable to find any because people thought "he was too desperate, thus an underdeveloped person", they never thought that maybe that was the actual thing he needed to get better.

how is a lonely person to get better in the first place if all people want to do is leave him alone, and let him suffer the very thing he needs help with and the others have all the resources to so help him. I wouldn't be very motivated after such a thing, not only that, biologically it just doesn't fit. Most likely wouldn't happen for humans need contact, we are social beings.

What would Earth be if everyone who was lonely was thought of as a desperate loser with no life, and never having had a life?

so you would say that the one thing that you lack most is positive experiences with people, and just... i guess friendly contact? because it's hard to believe that you haven't met, in all your life so far, anyone that could qualify as a friend, or even a positive influence maybe? or you did and it went wrong in some way?

 

[just_shadows]

oh, and i'm sorry if i sound judgemental, or doubting. it's not the intention.
(hug)

 

[comprex]

I'm 17 and I've never, ever had a relationship with a girl. It's not because I'm ugly.. I'm not, I have girls hit on me all the time, but it goes nowhere because I **** up and don't know what to say, so they probably think I'm a douchebag / ignoring them because I don't say more than two words back to them.