I'm pathetic

[selon]

.. but I could really use some advice.
For 10 years now I have been in love with a guy that I've seen for 8 days in total (the last time being 6 years ago). He lives in another country and because of money and other issues we couldn't just get together. 5 years ago we confessed our feelings for each other but nothing happened. Then 4 years ago I was supposed to visit him but in the short time interval between him asking me to come visit and the actual visit he got a girlfriend. :kickingmyself: Other guys have been interested in me but even if I liked someone else, it wasn't enough to forget him. I still think about him everyday, and I actually deleted him from linkedin the other day because I couldn't stand 'following' him anymore. Even after all these years I feel so bad that I wasn't important enough for him to just give that new girlfriend a pass. And what's worse, I'm so embarrassed and the more time passes by the worse it gets. I turn red whenever someone asks me about my love life. It's probably not even love anymore but a really weird obsession. How can I get him out of my head??:sad: I really want to move on but how?

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Been there!!! I use to always talk to this girl online and on the phone. At the time, we lived very far from one another. After talking to her for many months, I began to romanticize everything about her. She seemed like the perfect woman-literally perfect.
Well, we finally met in person. (which was nice) but afterwards we had a small misunderstanding/disagreement which revealed her "true face". It's amazing how meeting someone in person can change how you feel about them. Until you meet them in person and have a REAL relationship, you're just living in a FANTASY WORLD.

Even after our disagreement which then turned into a heated argument later. It took me several months to get over her! How ridiculous! Never again!

I'm sure my future girlfriend will be someone that I meet first online. But, before I start idealizing our connection, I am going to meet her first.

This guy kind of seems like a jerk. I know that doesn't help much. BUT, if he was the right one, he would have waited for you to come. He didn't. Find the guy that will. But, don't talk online to him for years. If he isn't willing to come to you within a month or two*, move on. (*after mutual interests have been declared.)

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Another thing. Maybe I'm being too traditional. But, I also think the guy should visit the girl. (as long as he has the means to).

 

[selon]

This guy kind of seems like a jerk. I know that doesn't help much.

hahaha yes it does! at least a bit I had guys chasing after me, and two of them were really (!) patient.. if I hadn't been such an idiot I might have been married by now. But I literally don't know how to move on, how NOT to think about him anymore. It's as natural as breathing by now even though I don't want it anymore.

 

[selon]

Another thing. Maybe I'm being too traditional. But, I also think the guy should visit the girl. (as long as he has the means to).

He was supposed to but a few weeks after we made the deal he convinced me to come visit him instead.. maybe this should have been a sign :kickingmyself:

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

That was definitely a sign! You'll stop thinking about him once you find a new interest. Also, keep in mind, you were never in love with him. Just an idealized version that he could never live up too. Had you started a relationship with him, I think you would have found yourself very disappointed.
Bottom line. When the ball was over the plate, he struck out. He couldn't even be a man and visit you. Raise your standards. He sucks! Stop idealizing him, he doesn't deserve it.

 

[selon]

I haven't really thought about it that way (the not-really-being-in-love-but-idealizing)!! In my mind it was always a great could-have-been if the circumstances were different.. wooa 0_0

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

He was the circumstances! That's why it didn't work out. He didn't go out and visit you like he should have done. You have made him into the man he that he never was. Just an online persona. If he was "the one", he would have made it out to you.

...if you're going to move on, you have to be realistic. Those that moved out of our lives, did so for a reason-they weren't meant to be there.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

He really seemed to be important to you and, for that, I'm sorry. Well, now, you've got to lessen the importance of him to you and your heart. Go out and do new things and things you've always wanted to try; show yourself that you don't need him as much as you think and that you can be happy all by yourself. If you're holding in any emotions, like tears or frustration, now''s the time to let them out.

In other words, just keep yourself busy and don't let yourself think about him so much/at all; time will take care of the rest.

 

[WishingICould]

It sounds like it just wasn't meant to be. I know how you feel because i'm going through a similar thing. Although, mine is even worse because i just found out he's getting married. Anyway, i know it really does suck but the only thing you can do is do your best to move on and keep yourself busy to take your mind off it. He doesn't sound worth worrying about.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Everything online is smoke and mirrors. Meet the person ASAP.

 

[Lamb]

You're not pathetic, many people have gone through this same ordeal. First step is trying not to beat yourself up over this, wondering what could have been or how much he hurt you.

If your only form of contact with him is LinkedIn and you rid of it, great. If it isn't, cut off everything and go no contact. You need to go cold turkey; think of it as a way of releasing toxins from your mind.

Relish in the fact that you still have plenty opportunity to meet other people. Keep yourself occupied with as much activities as you can. If you're hurting, you can try writing a "final letter" to him, as if you were going to send it to him and then burn it. Or delete it.

Good luck

 

[WishingICould]

It's probably better that you only saw him briefly in person. It would have been much worse if you had have gotten intimate with him or something then he left.

 

[selon]

First step is trying not to beat yourself up over this, wondering what could have been or how much he hurt you.
Good luck

Yeah I'm trying not to do this anymore- kind of hard though cause I've been doing this for so long :kickingmyself:

 

[selon]

It's probably better that you only saw him briefly in person. It would have been much worse if you had have gotten intimate with him or something then he left.

In a way you're right. But on the other hand I'm so mad at myself for wasting so much time on someone I've only seen for 8 days! If I had met him maybe I'd have woken up earlier. :idontknow: But I guess I just have to accept that and stop being so embarrassed!

 

[selon]

i just found out he's getting married.

damn!!! :thumbdown:

 

[WishingICould]

In a way you're right. But on the other hand I'm so mad at myself for wasting so much time on someone I've only seen for 8 days! If I had met him maybe I'd have woken up earlier. :idontknow: But I guess I just have to accept that and stop being so embarrassed!

Yeah, i know but there's really no point in doing the whole shoulda, woulda, coulda thing. We all make mistakes and there's no reason to be embarrassed. The guy i like ended up taking my virginity, "forgot" to mention he didn't want a relationship because he was getting back with his ex, then proposed to her but still contacts me because he wants to sleep with me (i said no). THAT'S embarrassing:blushing:.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

Yeah, i know but there's really no point in doing the whole shoulda, woulda, coulda thing. We all make mistakes and there's no reason to be embarrassed. The guy i like ended up taking my virginity, "forgot" to mention he didn't want a relationship because he was getting back with his ex, then proposed to her but still contacts me because he wants to sleep with me (i said no). THAT'S embarrassing:blushing:.

What a scumbag. I tell his fiance and show her proof. I can't stand people who can't be faithful in a relationship. Why bother. Why do we good people have to be stuck with them. I wish there was a way to tell who is faithful and who cheats on their significant other.

...Makes me sick!

 

[WishingICould]

What a scumbag. I tell his fiance and show her proof. I can't stand people who can't be faithful in a relationship. Why bother. Why do we good people have to be stuck with them. I wish there was a way to tell who is faithful and who cheats on their significant other.

...Makes me sick!

I know what you mean. I don't know her though and even if i did i doubt she'd believe me. He has a reputation for sleeping around and using people but she obviously thinks he's God's gift. I just want to forget about it. I hadn't spoken to him for months and he had the nerve to text me happy Christmas. I ignored that then he text me again on New Years eve saying he "hoped we can see each other next year". Fat chance of that. I'm trying to avoid Facebook because i don't want to see his wedding photos when he does get married. I think i might vomit.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I know what you mean. I don't know her though and even if i did i doubt she'd believe me. He has a reputation for sleeping around and using people but she obviously thinks he's God's gift. I just want to forget about it. I hadn't spoken to him for months and he had the nerve to text me happy Christmas. I ignored that then he text me again on New Years eve saying he "hoped we can see each other next year". Fat chance of that. I'm trying to avoid Facebook because i don't want to see his wedding photos when he does get married. I think i might vomit.

You're lucky! You dodged a bullet. Imagine if he married you! You would be the girl that he would be cheating on with someone else! I feel sorry for his wife. He's pure scum! F' that guy!