I'm being set up with someone and I'm not happy about it

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
My brother's fiancée is a teacher and she just happens to have a colleague who taught me and my brother when we were kids. She called me the other day and said they were talking and thought maybe I'd like to meet her son for coffee or whatever sometime. I took math and stats in school and he apparently did something similar and got into accounting or something. I was like "I don't know what to say to that." She was trying to talk me into it and said that it's not like an arranged marriage or anything and that they could be there too if I wanted. I repeated a few times that I didn't know what to say and I asked if she needed an answer right away. All I could say was maybe and she said, "Maybe's good."

I got off the phone and I was like, "That was a weird conversation." My mom had heard the whole thing so I told her about it and she made this weird face and said, "That's out the blue." No kidding it was out of the blue. I was totally caught off guard. It didn't help that I was already in a bad mood. I had just got off the phone with my mom's cousin who drives me nuts when she calls. She talks and talks and talks, and it is impossible to get off the phone with her. So I got stuck on the phone for about an hour and I had already been trying to get out of the house.

A little while later she called back and talked to my mom and I heard, "No, she's not angry. It was just out of the blue." I was actually upset about it. Not exactly angry, but I was not in a good mood after that.

So later that night, my mom asked if I had thought about it. I said, "I don't really want to but I'll look like a bitch if I don't." She said she asked if this was something they cooked up or if he was okay with it and apparently he is. So if I say no I risk offending both of them since he already knows. I don't know whose idea this was. My mom told me I need to get out and meet people my age. Apparently this guy just moved home from some other city and he works some place where he doesn't meet people. His high school friends want to party and he doesn't. My mom said maybe nothing will become of it but it could just be a friend. I still said I don't know. She also suggested we could talk on the internet, which I might be alright with, but it doesn't change the real issue.

The thing is, I am totally ashamed of myself right now and in no position to be dating anyone. I'm almost 29 years old, I'm unemployed, and I still live with my parents. That's not exactly appealing. I finished university five years ago. I worked in retail for a long time afterward and I'm trying to find something else. It isn't going well. I'm getting tired of explaining that to people I know, never mind strangers. It's embarrassing. I really don't even want to consider dating anyone until I find a job and move out. Not that I would suddenly have a bunch of guys asking me out, but I'd be more open to the possibility.

This isn't even a case of somebody asking me out and me having to say yes or no. It feels like I'm being set up on a blind date. It doesn't even matter if it's intended as a date or just something platonic, or whatever the hell happens. It still feels that way. I don't want to go on a blind date. I'm not that outgoing. I don't just want to go meet a stranger on my own cause it's gonna be horribly uncomfortable and there would probably be a lot of awkward silence.

So my mom asked me today, "Are you gonna go meet that guy," and I reluctantly said, "I guess." She was like, "You should cause if you show no interest…" She was talking to my brother and it sounds like this guy was asking about me or something. Apparently my brother's fiancée said she would go along if I want. I said, "Okay, cause if I go meet some stranger alone it's like I'm being set up on a blind date and I'm not okay with that." Then at least it's not like a date, but it's gonna be uncomfortable no matter what. I still haven't actually given her an answer. I've been putting it off.

I feel like this is an obligation though. I'm not looking for a boyfriend. I'm not doing this for me. I feel like I'm being a people pleaser and just doing this for everyone else's sake. I guess if I choose not to meet someone I know almost nothing about, that makes me a judgemental bitch.

I just hate the fact that other people feel they have to step in and do things for me. Like they assume I'd like to be out meeting people and going on dates but I kinda don't care. I don't want a boyfriend as much as people think I do. Not right now, anyway. I never even make comments that might imply I'm lonely and want to find a guy. My brother jokes that I'm a lesbian but I don't think he's completely joking. If I refuse to meet this guy, that would give him more reason to think so. I'd rather just let things happen on their own and if nothing happens, fine. Apparently, no one else is okay with that.

I think I'm screwed no matter what I do here. If I don't go, I'm rude. If I do, I'm going with a negative attitude about it.
 
It's ok to say no, even if it's perceived as being rude - I mean, you have been in some ways offended by being set up like this, haven't you? If you go ahead with it all and you're still not interested, you will have to say no sometime anyway
 

vj288

not actually Fiona Apple
I'd rather just let things happen on their own and if nothing happens, fine.

I say you take this approach to the situation. Yes, it sounds like everyone else is being pushy-shovey about trying to make this happen, but that doesn't mean you're obligated to act a certain way. You say you don't really like where you are at life, maybe this is just what you need! Whether it's a distraction from the other pressures in your life, or just a possibly good thing that rubs off onto other parts of your life. If you really can't warm up to the idea of going I'd do as phoc-er, as kihira said just say no. Don't view it as a chore though, see it as an opportunity that it's up to you to decide whether or not is worth taking.
 

Odo

Banned
I understand how awful it is for your parents to push you, but I think you should go.

It definitely doesn't have to be a date, but if you took the same subject and he's more 'established', he might be able to steer you in a direction where you can change your situation.

If he's more of an introvert you might get along really well and he might understand your difficulties... you'll be nervous at first but the worst thing that can happen is it all crashes and burns and you never see each other again, which really isn't as bad as it sounds.
 

nodejesque

Well-known member
I hate when this happens. Why is it that, just because your single... people assume you're desperate and automatically want to set you up with anyone available? Gah.

Anyway, I can totally relate to you. This has happened to me multiple times.. at this point I think you should just go, and see where it goes. I agree completely with Odo, if anything.. it might help you.
 

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
Thanks everyone. I still have to talk my brother's fiancee but I guess I'll at least go meet the guy. I can't really know what's gonna happen if I don't. I just expect people will look down on me for being such a loser. I did consider that it could be helpful career-wise. I don't exactly want to get into accounting myself, but it's possible he could have some advice. If we end up getting along okay, fine. I just don't want anything more than getting along. I'm just not up for that right now. So I'm kinda worried about the possibility he'll like me while I'm more indifferent. More likely I'll just be aloof and awkward anyway. There are too many potentially uncomfortable situations that can come out of this.
 

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
So…My brother had box seat tickets to a baseball game this weekend. I don't like sports but I went anyway cause he had extra tickets to use up. They decided to invite this teacher and her son. It was awkward. Just as I thought it would be.

First off, I was having a bad day to begin with. I went out to do some errands in the afternoon and as I was driving, it started POURING rain. As in, flash floods all over the streets. I could hardly see in front of me. So traffic was crawling because of the water. The only choice was to plow through it. There was a manhole in the parking lot that was gushing like a fountain. I went to another store and then realized I had left a card behind and had to go back. I was already running late because of the traffic. I went home, dumped my bags on the floor, fed the cat, and ran back out the door. The rain cleared up so the game was still on. When I got there, I got turned around because the ballpark is in a confusing area. So I was driving around trying to figure out how to get back to the parking lot I should have turned into. I asked a guy directing traffic and he didn't give me a very helpful answer. I ended up in some other parking lot that said it was free on weekends. Then I noticed other vehicles had tickets in their windows. I went up to the ticket machine thinking maybe you just had to register your license plate anyway but no. It said $6 due. I actually kicked the stupid thing and swore at it. I hit cancel and went back to the car and cried. I was so pissed off I almost left. I found my way back to the other parking lot, which was still $6 but whatever. I didn't care about the cost. What pissed me off was the unclear bullshit. As if my day wasn't bad enough already.

They had saved me a seat next to this guy. I was put off by him from the start. He had pierced ears and I hate jewellery. His shirt had a stain. Plus, it looked like he had just got a haircut and had loose hairs all over. Ew. It was like he never outgrew the awkward teenager phase. We didn't have much to talk about. It was mostly group conversation. At times I was better off pretending to watch the game. I was drinking a Diet Pepsi all night and at one point he left and came back with one too. A couple of people were like, "Oh, you have something in common." *Facepalm* How lame. So we got the same drink. Big whoop. I pointed out that I prefer Diet Coke anyway and that's all they had. Someone came by selling food and I wasn't really paying attention to what was going on, but I heard his mom say, "Way to impress Amanda. Have no money." He had a few coins and told her he had a credit card. There was no chance of impressing me at that point anyway. Our team won so everyone was giving high fives after the game and he smacked my hand pretty hard. It kinda stung. That was really uncalled for.

So we started making our way out and everyone was saying goodbye to each other and I waved and said bye to them. As we were walking down the hall I saw they were waiting up ahead in some lobby. I was hoping they would just go. He came over and very awkwardly asked if I wanted to go for coffee sometime. Seriously? We had nothing to say all night. As if I want to sit in a coffee shop and stare across the room and talk even less. I hesitated and said, "Maybe." I honestly didn't. I just didn't know how to say no in front of a bunch of people, including his mom. It's possible she coaxed him to come talk to me. So I reluctantly gave him my number and figured if he calls me I'll just have to say no then.

So, my mom says she was talking to my brother's fiancée and she had been talking to this teacher. Apparently I wasn't returning his texts and he was disappointed. Well, I never got any texts. I was out at the lake for a few days and I get no cell phone service in the campground. I don't know why they wouldn't come when I got near a tower, but maybe it doesn't always work like that. Unless he sent them to a wrong number. But I don't know what to do now. He thinks I'm just blowing him off. If I had actually gotten the texts I wouldn't have ignored them. So I either wait and see if he texts me again, and maybe he won't. Or, I text him and say I heard he was texting me and I never got the message, but I'm not interested anyway. I have no idea what he said in these texts though so it's awkward to just say that without knowing, even though I had no intentions of seeing him at all.

When my mom was telling me this she tried convincing me to go for coffee or go see a movie or something. I repeatedly had to tell her I don't want to. She said, "Well I thought you'd just give him a chance." I said, "And I'm supposed to just go along with what everyone else wants?" She kinda sheepishly said, "Well no…" She asked, "You just didn't like him that much?" No. I didn't like him at all. I don't owe him a chance. I'm not very talkative or sociable. We didn't click at all. This felt like an obligation to begin with. I'm not gonna continue to be pushed around and go waste time hanging out with some guy I want nothing to do with just because other people think I should. It's my decision. I have a right to say no.

I hate how everyone is involved and playing messenger. I don't want my mom's opinion. I don't like the fact that this guy is willing to let his mom introduce him to someone. I don't want anyone to set me up. I would like my choice to date anyone or not to be left up to me. If I happened to meet a guy on my own, I wouldn't be telling my family right away, in case it didn't go anywhere. That's one of the reasons I'd rather stay single until after I can move out. I need privacy. It's nobody's business if I want to date anybody or not. Right now I don't and I'd have to be pretty impressed with someone to change my mind. Definitely not the case here.
 

theoutsider

Well-known member
I feel sort of bad for both of you. You are being put in a position where you have to be the bad guy because everyone else is trying to push you into giving this guy a chance. In a way I also sort of feel bad for the guy because I have a feeling he's in a similar position as far as being coaxed into pursuing you is concerned. He may not really want to and I have a sneaking feeling that he didn't send any texts. That's probably what he just told those around him who were pressuring him to give information on what he was doing to try to win you over. In his position he may have thought it easier to say, "Oh, I texted her a few time but she never replied" than it would be to say, "I don't want to do this and I wish you guys would stop pushing me."

I have been in both situations. I have been set up on dates with girls who were less than desirable, that I really didn't want to go on only to have them turn out badly. On the flip side I, unfortunately, have been that guy that somebody was trying to push off on some girl. I can particularly remember a girl I knew whose relatives wanted her to get together with me because we had soooooo much in common (their opinion). I would actually have been open to dating her in the beginning but I could see the pressure they were putting on her was clearly turning her off and made her see me in a worse light than she probably would have had they not been trying to push us together. I began to want nothing to do with the situation because I thought their efforts made me look desperate and willing to allow myself to be thrown on somebody. In the end, neither of us wanted anything to do with the other.

You have the right idea. You owe nobody anything. That's what I had to learn and I finally put my foot down when people thought they could fix me up with one of their friends. It's not easy being the bad guy but sometimes it's necessary for your own sanity.
 
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awkwardamanda

Well-known member
I feel sort of bad for both of you. You are being put in a position where you have to be the bad guy because everyone else is trying to push you into giving this guy a chance.
Yes. At first it kinda seemed like my brother's fiancee was putting me on the spot by suggesting we meet, but she was nicer about it after. When I saw her the next day she asked how it went and I told her it was uncomfortable. I said we didn't have much to talk about and we exchanged numbers but I wasn't thrilled about it. She just said, "Well, it is what it is." It turned out to be more my mom that was putting the pressure on me. But I never told either of them about how off-putting I found him. I wasn't sure I should even say that. At least then they would have understood it was more than just not having much of a conversation.

theoutsider said:
In a way I also sort of feel bad for the guy because I have a feeling he's in a similar position as far as being coaxed into pursuing you is concerned. He may not really want to and I have a sneaking feeling that he didn't send any texts. That's probably what he just told those around him who were pressuring him to give information on what he was doing to try to win you over. In his position he may have thought it easier to say, "Oh, I texted her a few time but she never replied" than it would be to say, "I don't want to do this and I wish you guys would stop pushing me."
I hadn't considered that he never sent any texts. I don't know for sure, but the impression I got was that he's just shy and awkward and that he was actually more open to this whole thing than I ever was. The fact that he was willing to let his mom introduce him to someone was already a red flag. To me that says that he's either a mama's boy, or that he has difficulty socializing and doesn't mind being coddled and coaxed. I don't know if she coaxed him to ask me out for coffee, but if so, it may have been that she just thought he should, or, it may have been that he just seemed too shy to do it on his own.

Now, obviously I have difficulty socializing myself, but it bothers me when people take it upon themselves to do something about it. I'm 29 years old. I don't want to be treated like a child. Before the game my mom told me to talk and I got mad at her for trying to tell me how to socialize. She's done that before when I've gone out places like weddings or whatever where I didn't know a lot of people. All that does is make me want to talk less. When people push me, I push back. I need to be left to do things myself and when people try to coax me, it ends up having the opposite effect. Even when I was a kid, my parents tried to force me to go hang out with some of their friends' kids more. We got along okay, but I never really felt like part of the group. I've always hated this.

theoutsider said:
I have been in both situations. I have been set up on dates with girls who were less than desirable, that I really didn't want to go on only to have them turn out badly. On the flip side I, unfortunately, have been that guy that somebody was trying to push off on some girl. I can particularly remember a girl I knew whose relatives wanted her to get together with me because we had soooooo much in common (their opinion). I would actually have been open to dating her in the beginning but I could see the pressure they were putting on her was clearly turning her off and made her see me in a worse light than she probably would have had they not been trying to push us together. I began to want nothing to do with the situation because I thought their efforts made me look desperate and willing to allow myself to be thrown on somebody. In the end, neither of us wanted anything to do with the other.
That makes sense. The pressure in itself is off-putting. The idea of being set up by my parents or meeting a guy in the presence of his parents or mine is not cool. It's a little different being set up by a friend. At least then you can meet in a social setting with a group of peers. When parents start getting involved it's probably because they think you can't do it yourself. Even if that's true, it still isn't their place. It's also nobody's place to make judgements about who I might be attracted to or what I'd like to have in common with someone.

A couple months ago my dad mentioned he knows some guy he thinks would be good for me. He said this guy doesn't like to drink or party. Apparently my brother was thinking the same thing. I was like, "No, you are not setting me up with anybody." He said, "You don't have to be stuck up about it," and I told him, "That's not being stuck up." He said, "Well you can go for coffee," and then I said, "Yeah, but I'm also not obligated to." He was like, "He's got a job, a house. He likes to fish a lot..." Well that right there told me I wasn't likely to hit it off with this guy. I know how much my dad likes to talk about fishing and how much I don't care.

theoutsider said:
You have the right idea. You owe nobody anything. That's what I had to learn and I finally put my foot down when people thought they could fix me up with one of their friends. It's not easy being the bad guy but sometimes it's necessary for your own sanity.
Thank you. I appreciate that you get where I'm coming from. I kinda felt like maybe I at least owe him a response to these phantom texts but I haven't yet and probably won't. I would have replied if I had got them. Assuming he really did send them, he's getting disappointed either way. Either he thinks I'm ignoring him, or he gets a text that essentially says, "I heard you were texting me but I never got it. I have no idea what you said but I'm not interested." That might actually be worse than a non-response.

It's really not easy to put my foot down. I wish I had been firm with everyone and made it clear that I don't want to date anyone and that I do not find this guy attractive. End of story. I may have been able to avoid the whole problem in the first place.
 
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