I sent a Facebook message to my "friends"..

[xtina_fan81]

about social anxiety because I got so sick of everyones ignorance and especially the few people I considered my "friends" didnt even reply to it. Ive tried to explain it to some people before bcause I came clean telling them I didnt like how they left out and stuff and they just said that they have things they dont liek about their lives aswell but they dont parade it around or talk about it. one of them made a comment saying "its awkward reading this stuff from someone i personally get along with".i just didnt get that, (and boy if she thinks thats awkward she clearly doesnt know the meaning of the word). You consider yourself to "get along" with me,yet never make any contact to get in touch, what im doing, where i am,nothing and its the same with all of them.

weird that they were atleast a bit sympathetic and said they cant stand seeing me like I am and how muhc they want me to get better, basically saying they wuld want to help. They say these things but their actions say otherwise. They we should all meet up and start a fresh, but nothing came of it the week they said and I couldnt be bothered to go after them. Theyve made plans to go on holiday together; soo they want me to get better and cant stand seeing me upset yet dont bother to invite me or include me in anyway?? JUST ONCE i wanted someone to put themselves out for me.

SO that didnt come to anything and so came to a few days ago when i decided to send the facebook message. It was more third person but still about me cause i talked about my own experience. This time none of them replied. A girl I barely know sent me a message back saying that she appreciated me sharing it with everyone and that its really made her think about things. THAT is all i wanted,why cant the people who I want to care, care!!? Everyone that lives miles away are the people are most considerate and have two close friends in america (im in uk) who are everything i want in a friend, why cant i find that here??! The "friends" here have all just ignored it and getting on with their lives. They havent spoke to me since.

I justreall dont understand why bother saying to me that first time about how they want to be my friend, when they OBVSLY dont. I get mixed messages and thats why i never know when to just give up with them but I think the time has come now. Or ami just being unreasonable and perhaps they just dont know what to say to me? But if one can then i dont see why they cant.

This has been building up for along time and recently just been particularly down about my lack of friendships and social activity. I actually love to spend time with my family, but it would be so nice to have the choice and to have that normal ongoing life that everyone does. Im angry that I feel like I deserve it asmuch as the nextperson. Yet I stay home crying while everyone else is out there. Maybe I m just hanging on for nothing with these people. Being on facebook doesnt help. I dunno. Thoughts?

 

[Kinetik]

they just said that they have things they dont liek about their lives aswell but they dont parade it around or talk about it.

This is actually a good point. You can't be this high-maintenance with such a large group of people. I know that sounds harsh, but the truth is that many folks don't understand the gravity or implications of SA. There's no point trying to "make them see the light" because chances are, they won't, and even if they did, you'd still be considered a wet blanket.

Don't get me wrong, it's one thing to have a close friend and confide in them individually from time to time, but to me it sounds like you have a fairly superficial relationship with these people. So that being the case, if there's nobody in your circle of friends who you feel comfortable being "deep" with, you probably shouldn't talk about the heavy stuff with them to begin with.

I think ultimately, you should be more picky with your friends. Narrow things down, drop the rotten apples, and only associate with a select few who you feel understand you more. That way, you can discuss your issues privately with them and have a better chance that they "get it", rather than feeling unfulfilled and ignored.

 

[Anomaly]

Yep, I've had that situation. I post something and people treat it as a hot potato, similar to what happens in real life. I prefer not to speak unless my opinion is specifically asked for, or it's someone I've established my ethos with.

I've said this elsewhere, but if people aren't asking you things during conversations, it's one-way talking. They probably don't want to talk to you in the first place.

 

[CoyoteX]

I did something like this a several years back...it wasn't SA related, but it was something that was important to me & I felt the need to share. I sent a letter out to most of my family...and it wasn't received as expected. Some didn't respond, and some responses were less than stellar with the undertone, 'why do we care?'. So this is my own family we're talking about. It's not that they don't love me, it's just that certain people aren't going to know how to respond, they aren't experiencing the same things as you, so it's hard to relate. So I've become very choosey about who I share what with. You don't have to tell the world, just find some close people whom you can confide in. I agree with Kinetik, it's just about using discernment. Not everyone's going to understand, and if they're like most people, they're too damn wrapped up in their own lives to pay attention or care anyway. I don't think they think any less of you or are avoiding you, maybe they just shrugged it off like 'eh'.

 

[Anubis]

Yea, I agree with general sentiment of this thread.

Friends are great to hang out with, but I've never really got "epiphanatic" help from any of them. Even my closest friend I talk to everyday (on AIM) hasn't really taught me anything about being more socially active (besides some vague skills), despite the fact that he's amazingly great with women. I can't really tell why friends don't seem to share things with each other on a deep level (especially skill-related endeavors). It could be that their wrapped in their own lives, like coyotex said. It could be because they can't really articulate with your problem so they don't know how to help like kinetik said. But either way, it just doesn't happen ... or at least not very often.

You could get pissed off that you're getting any help from people who "seemingly have no problems", but that doesn't solve anything. It only decreases your contentment and increases the amount of anger directed at your friends (for not "helping you"). It's a loss-loss scenario and makes you feel like the whole world is against you.

So stop the cycle now, while you still have your sanity. And focus on solving your problems to the best of your abilities with the resources that will DIRECTLY help you (books, articles, intense psychoanalysis done by yourself, professionals who are specifically trained to help with mental problems, forums, etc). It feels and WORKS so much better, IMO.

 

[Flowers-Of-Bloom]

Not everyone is going to connect with you on an emotional level. Friends & family included.

 

[PennyLane]

I think sometimes when people say they want to help...they kind of do but after a couple of times of hearing about it they get bored of the whole thing pretty quickly.

Once your friends know they just want you to start getting better...no continue on and on....sorry thats so brutal but thats the impression I get from my friends and family. They dont want to hear me say the same stuff all the time...so I stopped telling them.

I think only extremely close friends will really suppot you and others just dont want to know about all that.

Sorry mate.

 

[Jake123]

Friends are useless.

 

[xtina_fan81]

Thnks for replies. I just dont know whats so hard to make alittle bit more effort, knowing that I clearly find it harder than most people, to ask me now n then, and knwoing it all they still continually leave me out AFTER telling me how much it "hurts them to see me like this" . I guess if they were real friends they would be, and I wouldnt have a need to moan about them on here. I just dont understand why people talk utter crap that they clearly dont mean. I can deal with people who dont want anything to do with me and make it clear. I just dont know why people say one thing and do the complete other and why waste energy to say nice things in the first place if you dont mean them? what IS the point. I know im never gna have what i want to have with these people, its just frustration really.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

There are only two friends whom I've told about my anxiety who did not behave awkward. They just happen to be two of the least judgemental people I've known and they try to be understanding and supportive. I personally would not tell everyone else about it because it is simply none of their business. Having a mental illness is a private matter. What is the point of telling people who are not going to try to understand? One friend insists that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me because she feels the same way while my therapist says that I do have anxiety. She changes the subject if I ever make reference to my anxiety.

Not to be mean but you're expecting way too much from your Facebook friends. I don't think they're bad for not responding but we are all different. Not everyone can handle that kind of information. I can understand if people act awkward. I've had quite a few women in my life confide in me that they had been raped and it was very awkward for me because I did not know how to react to this. I didn't ignore or minimize the issue just because I could not relate. I listened to them because that is the kind of friend that I want to be but it was still very awkward. If you reach out for support once and no one makes an effort to hear you out don't let that get you down.

 

[lurknomore]

I've never really tried to explain my SA/AvPD to anyone... I really don't think that my family (the only people that I really talk to besides online friends) would relate or understand.

I've been on the other end though... my ex has/had a lot of tough issues that he's struggled with his entire life, and I was understanding and sympathetic, and I tried to help him the best way I knew how, encouraging him to get professional help (his family members have done the same). But it seemed like he thought that I could solve his problems, and I knew I couldn't, and he was so negative about things and never seemed to seek outside help- I got to the point where if I had to hear his problems one more time, I was going to go insane. My brain couldn't handle it. He thought I didn't care and was just trying to blow him off, but I just couldn't take it, and eventually didn't want to even be around him.

I'm not saying that you expect these "friends" to solve your problems, but like others have said, I would maybe just confide in a few select people about these issues if you feel the need to get things off your chest. The people that aren't making the effort to invite or include you in things aren't worth stressing about anyway.

 

[xtina_fan81]

It wasnt like a really personal thing. Obvsly it was to me but I mean the way I talked about it in the message, was just like someone trying to educate. It was like "i have social anxiety it makes me feel shit please help me". It was simply facts and how it can affect people, just some info. I dont think it was particularly heavy,so I just thought it woulnt take much for it to be acknowledged. If someone sent me something similar about something I had no experience of, I would reply in a minute just to show my appreciation of it being shared. I clearly wouldnt be able to help,just like no-one else can for me BUT me. But like what was said everyone's different. Some people must just sense any kind of different and run a mile. Since I got a couple of replies from people I barely know; i obvsly wasnt asking for too much but everyone else just couldnt make that step.

I also have a problem with black-and-white thinking. I tend to think its all or nothing. You're either there and take me warts and all, or you dont take me at all. I dont know what it is; its probably just a longing to be close after so long without that. I pose its panic, too. Im not going to be in any situations where I would have the opportunity to make new friends, I was just clinging onto anyone I could, and doing so in the wrong way. I spose I thought that these people were leaving me out BECAUSE i was so quiet and they couldnt relate to me as well as each other; and so thought telling them would give them understanding so they would know why and then could make that effort. I was clearly very wrong, I just have to work out where to go from here; so I dont keep making the same mistakes.

 

[Anubis]

I can almost guarantee that the people who didn't respond don't hate you. Because otherwise they'd just reply by saying "I hate you". The fact that they haven't responded is a queue that they perceive your message as sensitive enough to warrant extreme caution before responding. Otherwise, if they're not willing to employ this appropriate carefulness, then the situation might even get worse. Hence the delaying and the straight out non-response.

I'm not saying they're correct in their perception, but that's just generally how people confront emotional issues.