I need a close friend

Well who doesn't.

The problem is how to get one. Is not like you go and ask someone "hey you wanna be my close friend?". Meeting and getting closer with someone is something that happens by chance, whether offline or online.

Then I'm this predicament. I want a close friend, but I'm feeling hopeless about my luck, not to mention how absurd it seems to me the idea of "looking" for one. But what to do then. For example, yesterday, I had a really crappy day (nothing really serious, just a series of small disappointments), but didn't had anyone to talk about it, and no, I can't count with my family on those things (that was part of the overall crappiness if the day). I don't see the classmates with whom I usually talk while studying as an option, we really share little interest besides our career, and I can't imagine them understanding my situation. And that understanding thing is something VERY important for me.

I want a friend whom besides sharing some interests so we have a base of something to talk about, is a extremely understanding person, with the empathy/intelligence to understand why I'm feeling how I'm feeling even if that person hasn't experienced the same situation than me; someone who won't be bothered by hearing me complaining constantly about the same subjects because recognizes that even slowly, I'm not just complaining but also trying to improve my situation. Of course, I'll be willing to do the same thing for that person. But this is beyond being a mutual shoulder to cry on, as any proper friendship should be.

Well, I really don't know what I'm going to do, or what I'm doing exactly writing this, anyways...
 

Etbow23

Well-known member
Hey,
I know how you feel-fortunately, though I have few friends, I have one very close friend, my boyfriend. At this point we're very close, we know each other well. One thing I've noticed about a close friend is that when you're together, you can end up laughing so hard you pee your pants, because your senses of humor matches. It's hard to find someone who truly *clicks* with you, who you feel comfortable with, who you can have a good time with. In my lifetime there are two others from before who stand out in my memory as close friends, though one I don't have contact with one of them and the other I rarely see/talk to anymore. But while we were very close, we could talk for hours on the phone, hang out and have the best time, that type of thing.

Finding someone like this is tough because in my experience, it's not like making a normal friend or an acquaintance. You can try to pursue someone as a friend but if it's not right, they'll never be the close friend you seek. Sometimes I think these things are just directed by God, and they come when you least expect it.

Usually I think close friends meet under circumstances that bring them together as individuals. For example, I met my close friend from before in the hospital.

If you want, I can be your friend over the internet. I don't know if you're into that type of thing, but you can message what's going on with you or whatever. I don't know if we'll ever click, but you never know. There's probably lots of people on this forum you'd click with because we all are dealing with similar issues (social anxiety). Out in the real world, like you said-it's tough finding someone who has the same issues/interests/etc. as you do.

As for me, I do the same thing (rant and complain) and feel that I need someone to listen to me without judging me or getting annoyed, as people around me often times do. I am a very understanding person; nothing human is weird to me. :)
 
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Mr.Prez

Well-known member
are there some activities that you enjoy doing (like sports or dancing or something)? You can join a club and find some people there to hang around with. After doing that you'll eventually be able to forge some close friendships. At least that worked for me.
 

OceanMist

Well-known member
I'm doing the exact same thing, looking for a close friend. This may sound crazy, but I'm trying to talk to women on two dating sites mainly so I can just have someone to hang out with in real life and be there for me.

I'm kind of throwing their looks out the window. It's gotten to the point where I just want to connect with one of them. I'm talking to a couple girls and one seems like she may be interested in me.

That's what I'm doing anyway. I know it may sound kind of weird, but think about it. Dating isn't a bad way to get to know people on a one on one basis. I had trouble with the group sessions of friends, but the one person I ever dated, we were able to connect on a decent level. It seems women tend to be more emotionally open than men.
 

planemo

Well-known member
I need a close friend too. I was hoping that someone I knew on the web, would turn out to be that person, just to have a conversation with and to share my thoughts. But it never really work out that way. So I guess I'm still on my own.

I'm not really sure if a definite effort is needed in order for me to find a friend or if it will come to fruition naturally over time, without being direct.
 

Mr.Prez

Well-known member
I need a close friend too. I was hoping that someone I knew on the web, would turn out to be that person, just to have a conversation with and to share my thoughts. But it never really work out that way. So I guess I'm still on my own.

I'm not really sure if a definite effort is needed in order for me to find a friend or if it will come to fruition naturally over time, without being direct.

I think the only effort that you need to make is to try to be social (and be a nice person of course). Especially if you find others with similar interests as you, if you try to make an attempt to talk and be social with others, friendships will eventually come. I think finding others with similar interests is the key though.

Not just to the above poster, but to everyone on the thread, what have you tried doing to find friends?
 
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Mr.Prez

Well-known member
if it helps, I used to feel alone and not have any friends, but I started going to the gym a lot (doing group classes and saying "hi how are you" to the people around me), started volunteering, and started going to salsa lessons at a local bar. Just by doing that alone, I went from spending my weekends at home alone to having to turn down people who want to hang out with me.
 
are there some activities that you enjoy doing (like sports or dancing or something)? You can join a club and find some people there to hang around with. After doing that you'll eventually be able to forge some close friendships. At least that worked for me.

There are indeed activities that I enjoy doing. The problem is that any of them involves a group or even another person, that if you don't count online gaming, which anyways is not an option as my computer only runs old games and my connection is too slow for that anyways.

I've been trying to find a weekends job (the only one I can have because of my studies), the problems is that the only ones I can find is as a salesman, which is something I've done before, and simply won't do again. But without the job I won't have any money to leave my house for anything else than studies. So that excludes even volunteering, something that at the risk of being an insensitive jerk, I can't see myself doing even if I had the money to leave my house.

It seems that I'm basically depending on my luck, and that's a very depressing scenario.
 
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Feathers

Well-known member
oh gosh, do you live 'in the middle of nowhere'? I do too..
Are there people you can car-share with? (Who work/study/go to gym/events in those other places with more things going on?) There are car-sharing sites (don't know if in your country too) or maybe hitchhiking? (not sure if it's safe where you live, it's fairly safe where I live, during the day especially...)

What are the activities you enjoy doing? Maybe some of them could be done for free too? :)

Have you tried volunteering? what kind? What makes you think you wouldn't like it? There are tons of different sorts of volunteering (with old people/kiddies, or animals OR just painting a fence or cleaning a park or other things... you can even volunteer online too, and maybe meet people through that..)

What are you studying? Are there any events/clubs at your school/uni or at a cafe or library? (Or local pub/s or book shop or such?) What are some of your interests?
Gallery openings and book presentations are usually free, sometimes even food/drinks are served...?
Even if you go dancing or to a free concert etc, you don't have to buy drinks, you can carry a bottle of water in your rucksack or such :) it's been done hehe...

Maybe you could even find a support group or such...

'Close friends' do not magically become 'close friends' right away, usually... It starts with 'Hi, how are you doing' and then slowly progresses, by sharing more and more about each other.. common interests or life situations help, yeah... sometimes it can happen without this too..

actually if you have a lot of 'stuff' to lament about, it's good if you have more than just one friend, so you don't 'overwhelm' that one friend too much... or if that one person is busy/tired/ill/overwhelmed with own stuff.. it's good to share it with a few people.. :) so, wishing you a few or many good friends!! :)
 
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Blannabers

Active member
I am sadly one of those too. It's really kind of stupid because I feel like when we say "I'm looking for a friend", it's like you're 4 years old again and be a grown-up about it.

I tried to talk to a counselor about any problems and I was talking up to a certain point and he just comes out and says "So, you're lonely?" and it's really an embarrassing thing to admit. I know that alot of us lonely ones are really the ones that have the abilty to be the best friend anyone has ever had.

It sucks when you feel like you can put so much love into someone, but when noone wants to take it, sometimes you feel not good enough or like what you have to offer isn't appealing to anyone.

Trust me. I am very jealous of all my siblings because they care more about their best friends other than their younger half-sister. :(
 
oh gosh, do you live 'in the middle of nowhere'? I do too..
Are there people you can car-share with? (Who work/study/go to gym/events in those other places with more things going on?) There are car-sharing sites (don't know if in your country too) or maybe hitchhiking? (not sure if it's safe where you live, it's fairly safe where I live, during the day especially...)

I live right in the middle of a huge city :p. I don't know anyone who has a car at hand, and besides that, don't know either anyone who shares a similar route than me. I haven't heard of car-sharing around here, probably as it may be considered unsafe for most people, specially with someone they don't know at all. And hitchhiking? well, only outside the earth ::p:

What are the activities you enjoy doing? Maybe some of them could be done for free too? :)

I think all the activities I enjoy doing are for free or nearly free: reading, building papercratf models (unfortunately run out of room to put them so for now I'm done with that), listening music, riding my bike, gaming (offline), drawing.

Have you tried volunteering? what kind? What makes you think you wouldn't like it? There are tons of different sorts of volunteering (with old people/kiddies, or animals OR just painting a fence or cleaning a park or other things... you can even volunteer online too, and maybe meet people through that..)

Never tried it. Besides having to meet a bunch of new people doesn't sound very nice to me, I'm more functional than many here, but not to that point (which it may seem contradictory with what I say I'm looking for, I know). Also I had the irrational fear than everyone will question my intentions if I try that, specially my family. As long as I don't have a job, I found hard to afford even to take a bus to wherever that volunteering is. I doubt there is online volunteering around here, but the main thing is at the risk of sound like an insensitive jerk, helping people that way doesn't feel natural in me, as I don't feel comfortable around most people, and not only because the SA, but because the lack of cultural connection.

What are you studying? Are there any events/clubs at your school/uni or at a cafe or library? (Or local pub/s or book shop or such?) What are some of your interests?
Gallery openings and book presentations are usually free, sometimes even food/drinks are served...?
Even if you go dancing or to a free concert etc, you don't have to buy drinks, you can carry a bottle of water in your rucksack or such :) it's been done hehe...

I'm studying Mechanical Engineering. Unfortunately, my faculty doesn't organize much events at all, specially nothing aimed to meeting people. About other places I just don't know, I'm absolutely ignorant about my city's "scene" (or whatever you wanna call it). And about attending events alone (regardless if thy're free or not) I doubt I can do something there, surely I'll just go and won't start a conversation with anybody, that is just too big for me to do it now, specially because the overwhelming uncertainty that you just don't know what may happen (some people say that's the fun of it, well, NOT FOR ME). That doesn't mean I won't go to something I may be interested on, for example two days ago I wanted to go to this free concert of the National Symphonic Orchestra playing famous movie soundtracks, but the tickets were already "sold out". That really ruined my day by the way.

My interests... history and prehistory, aviation, motor sports (unfortunately just watching, as is the most expensive sport around), Rock/classical music, science, sci-fi, pop/geek culture in general, and reading books/comics, watching movies/shows and playing games about those things. The very few people I've know who share some of those interests had a very different view of life than me, and I couldn't imagine them being understating of my situation. And now that I think about it, liking those things makes me feel that I'm completely out of place in this country.

I'm an analytic person, a man of plans, procedures, and results. That doesn't mean I'm a feelingless robot without spontaneity, but the whole uncertainty and randomness/luck factor involved in meeting someone special, specially offline, is something very frustrating to me, just very hard to fit on how my mind works. As my signature says, I think I'm not cut out for this life... ::(:
 

Feathers

Well-known member
I live right in the middle of a huge city :p. I don't know anyone who has a car at hand, and besides that, don't know either anyone who shares a similar route than me. I haven't heard of car-sharing around here, probably as it may be considered unsafe for most people, specially with someone they don't know at all. And hitchhiking? well, only outside the earth
Hm, well lol :) You got a towel with, right?
Depends on your age and interests, when I've had things to do in other cities, I found people who went there - eg I asked friends/family/relatives/acquaintances, 'Do you know of someone who goes to City X and when?' (I can get to a city at an odd hour and wait in the library or some other places until the event... Getting back can be more tricky, times can be a bit limited..)

I think all the activities I enjoy doing are for free or nearly free: reading, building papercratf models (unfortunately run out of room to put them so for now I'm done with that), listening music, riding my bike, gaming (offline), drawing.
Well, that's good if they are for free! Maybe you can find a models-building club? (Have you tried googling? :)) Certain gamers can have clubs or events too... There's probably a bike-riding club somewhere, or some church groups or choir groups can go for bike-riding expeditions... (and other people can join there too) there are reading clubs in some libraries too, you could check what's happening at your library/bookshop?

Never tried it. Besides having to meet a bunch of new people doesn't sound very nice to me, I'm more functional than many here, but not to that point (which it may seem contradictory with what I say I'm looking for, I know). Also I had the irrational fear than everyone will question my intentions if I try that, specially my family. As long as I don't have a job, I found hard to afford even to take a bus to wherever that volunteering is. I doubt there is online volunteering around here, but the main thing is at the risk of sound like an insensitive jerk, helping people that way doesn't feel natural in me, as I don't feel comfortable around most people, and not only because the SA, but because the lack of cultural connection.
lol sometimes volunteering means to just meet one person or two, maybe just 1x or 2x a year, I visit a lovely older lady or two, they are so happy when someone comes!! Or you can go take a doggie at an animal shelter (or your neighbors' dog) for a walk, they are soo happy when someone takes them!!
I know the family can be sometimes not-understanding, mine can be that way too...
Are you from a different background than people around you? Maybe there are expats clubs/meet-ups then?
And well, exploring different cultures can be interesting!! (Pretend you're an alien writing an anthropological report to send home? :))

I'm studying Mechanical Engineering. Unfortunately, my faculty doesn't organize much events at all, specially nothing aimed to meeting people. About other places I just don't know, I'm absolutely ignorant about my city's "scene" (or whatever you wanna call it). And about attending events alone (regardless if thy're free or not) I doubt I can do something there, surely I'll just go and won't start a conversation with anybody, that is just too big for me to do it now, specially because the overwhelming uncertainty that you just don't know what may happen (some people say that's the fun of it, well, NOT FOR ME). That doesn't mean I won't go to something I may be interested on, for example two days ago I wanted to go to this free concert of the National Symphonic Orchestra playing famous movie soundtracks, but the tickets were already "sold out". That really ruined my day by the way.
Hm, most universities/faculties here have had events for new people, or in combination with other faculties, or you could go to events of other faculties? (There can be many nice girls studying at faculties with mainly girls??) Some events were for all students, or for all 'new students' (and older students could come too!)
It's easier if you go with someone else, yup, that other person doesn't have to be a 'best friend', can be a relative or acquaintance or classmate/someone from the faculty/student dorm... Do you know any students in dorms? You could meet other people through that? (Maybe you could even sleep over there?)

My interests... history and prehistory, aviation, motor sports (unfortunately just watching, as is the most expensive sport around), Rock/classical music, science, sci-fi, pop/geek culture in general, and reading books/comics, watching movies/shows and playing games about those things. The very few people I've know who share some of those interests had a very different view of life than me, and I couldn't imagine them being understating of my situation. And now that I think about it, liking those things makes me feel that I'm completely out of place in this country.
lol I think many people can share those interests!! maybe your taste in movies/games can be different from other people, you can still connect through different things...
People don't need to share ALL your interests, just one or a few could be enough, to enjoy some time together!!
(And you or they can make each other interested in other things too!!)

I'm an analytic person, a man of plans, procedures, and results. That doesn't mean I'm a feelingless robot without spontaneity, but the whole uncertainty and randomness/luck factor involved in meeting someone special, specially offline, is something very frustrating to me, just very hard to fit on how my mind works. As my signature says, I think I'm not cut out for this life... ::(:
hm, you could be methodical about it too? lol - there is some luck and unpredictability involved in this, it can be exciting too!
I don't think many are actually 'cut out', people get born and live and learn... Many people can feel lost nowadays, this is something where you can connect with others too!!
It can be frustrating yup, you can meet many interesting people on the way too!!
 

Ambere

Active member
I completely understand what you mean. My best friend is my boyfriend but I guess the reason I never tried to find a close friend is because I always feel like I'm expendable to people. I feel like even if i do make a close friend they won't care about me anyway which makes the anxiety even worse. I wish I was five years old again when being best friends was so ridiculously easy and you could just ask someone to be your friend and it was that simple.
 

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
Haha.
I have 2 friends.
One, I met online; I've known him for 10 years, now.
One, I met in highschool... and we became friends when we had transportation tech together and one day I asked flat out; "Would you like to be friends?"
and she said, "okay."
... and she's my longest standing friend as well as my closest, although we don't have much in common and haven't spoken much at all since college.
 

godchild

Member
Close friends are so rare for a lot of people. I have one and I am super thankful even though she is not very responsive bc shes busy at another college. We've known each other about 5 years which doesnt know like a lot but I'm 20 :) Thats a quarter of my life!

Most of my friends I met in class and various places. Activities and hobbies and get-togethers is where people match up.
 

Grandpa

New member
Go look in the mirror. The person you see should be your first close and true friend. When you are satisfied that person is your friend, you are ready to look for others.
 
if it helps, I used to feel alone and not have any friends, but I started going to the gym a lot (doing group classes and saying "hi how are you" to the people around me), started volunteering, and started going to salsa lessons at a local bar. Just by doing that alone, I went from spending my weekends at home alone to having to turn down people who want to hang out with me.

That's fantastic!! I have been trying to find courage to join something. My partner said he would come with me to join something so it wouldn't be so scary...what do people think of this idea or would it be better to just do it alone?
 
I completely understand what you mean. My best friend is my boyfriend but I guess the reason I never tried to find a close friend is because I always feel like I'm expendable to people. I feel like even if i do make a close friend they won't care about me anyway which makes the anxiety even worse. I wish I was five years old again when being best friends was so ridiculously easy and you could just ask someone to be your friend and it was that simple.

Wouldn't that be great if we all just made friends like that as adults :) I also feel expendable and I often avoid friends I do have because I think they will find out something they don't like about me or I'll make some kind of mistake and they won't like me anymore.

My boyfriend is also my best friend
 
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