You can say that again! Every time I see a job offer now, I automatically say to myself: "well you will be one of the worst applicants; they will find someone better; and even if you were one of the only applicants, they will be sorry they hired you because you will suck at the job and they will fire you, which will be terrible for your self-esteem."
I hate it man. I have no enthusiasm whatsoever about getting a job. None. I don't feel any excitement about it. All I feel is worry and apprehension about all the bad things that might happen. I worry that I will be considered the lonely, shy dork of the workplace, and will be deliberately excluded from everything. The feeling is not good; getting up to go to work each morning, knowing that everyone will be there, bubbly and chatty, talking about their weekends and wonderful social lives, while I slink into the corner and avoid people.
Literally, every single position I apply for, I automatically assume I will really suck at it, and be a burden on the entire workplace. The sad thing is, I would not have the courage to speak up and confront my employer about it. I would be too embarrassed and humiliated. I am the least assertive person in the entire world, and a chronic avoider of any sort of conflict. Whenever there is conflict going on around me, I freeze up and get extremely awkward.
So it is why I can't stand applying for work. I am not convinced that it will lead to anything good. I am not convinced that it will impress my family; they all had jobs and were working at my age. Besides, getting a job is nothing special. Everyone is supposed to.
An old friend, whom I knew when I was about 9 years old, just came back to the city, after living overseas with her mother for several years. I approached her and gave her my resume. A couple of weeks later, she told my mother that she might have some worked lined up, and was waiting for me to call. I was too scared to call. My thoughts were: "The cafe is just offering me the job because I vaguely know one of their star employees. If I had gone though the normal process and competed with others, I wouldn't have even been considered. My resume would have been thrown on the trash pile. And for good reason: I would fail at the job anyway. If I fail, my friend will think I'm some kind of loser/moron and not want to know me. That would be mortifying. I know her mother for ****s sake! Imagine how awkward it would be in future, me talking to her mother trying to forget about the fact that her daughter thinks I'm a loser."
So yeah. Even when a job is handed to me on a silver platter, my irrational reptilian brain rationalizes a way out of it, telling me that it is the worst ****ing idea in the whole world.
What in the hell is wrong with me??
