I feel like such an idiot

[Falkor]

Hello there,

So, I just made a phone call with my therapist, about my painful memories i have, people have been abusing my emotional feelings and also physically. (sexual abuse and emotional abuse by a lot of people, sadistically)
So, I just told her about it (which is a big step)

I only said ''Hi..'' she said ''Hi there, what do you wanna tell?''
I said. ''I still deal with painful memories, I can't let them go''
also I'm afraid of negative reactions and emotional pain in my invironment.
I mean, my folks have been saying really painful stuff about my anxiety, they try to understand but sometimes they are so low on energy and tired of frustration that they just are so mad at me, because of my borderline problems and anxiety. I am so afraid right now, I mean if I have a panic attack they would usually get so mad and frustrated, and I can't even help it, I mean i'm not a problem child, I am a sensetive good person, I only have a painful history and I cannot let it go, so I used to kept on suffering (still do, quite a times, sometimes I have crisis moments that I cannot escape, I keep on self loathing with self hate and cannot stop thinking about how afraid I am of people and the world, i'm so glad lately I can cope with this better and I can let these demons go, but still I don't know what is wrong with me, I want to be positive and help people, I know i'm doing so much better lately, but I know i was such a negative person in the past, depression and all)


So she said, you can talk about it with your invironment, so they will understand you need understanding (I feel helpless about this, how can I stop it)

Later on she called me again, and she said I can visit her tomorrow and we can talk about it, what should I do, i mean i have to travel by train, and everybody will be like why are you going to therapy today? You don't have to.
So they will notice I am dealing with something, don't want anyone to know.

I also didn't sound friendly through the phone, I was very anxious so I just said Yeah,Um yeah all the time and I couldn't say bye properly, so I just made an awkward silly phone call, with a lots of stupid emotions.

I feel like an idiot now.

and I'm so anxious for people, being frustrated at me... I guess that's why I'm so afraid of people, I am insecure about myself, what is wrong with me and why do people smash their madness at me, I want to feel loved, I always helped them... Why don't they help me? I think I don't deserve it

Whatever

 

[Section_31]

awww Saskia,

I feel bad for you. But i agree with phocas. You are an adult, and it does not matter how people feel about you seeing your therapist "when you dont have to". Thats completley your business and no one elses.

As for the frustration you percieve from others, i can understand that, im getting the same thing.

Whatever happened in your past that still hurts you, you will eventually come to a point where you'll find it doesnt hurt quite so much. it wont happen tomorrow, probably ont for a while, but there will be a day when this doesnt hurt you anymore.

 

[Bo592]

I have to deal with an whole family who does know are care about what social phobia is, but I learn being different is not a bad thing because being normal is not a good thing. People all seem to be jugmental not leaving any room for mistakes, we all make mistakes that how we learn and we need practice to get better. I feel sometimes that people don`t realize that talking is something that needs practice too. but how can we practice with people that don`t give us a fair chance. I Thank you should go if you feel you need it because it might give you the training grounds you need to get better. But remember that you are not alone with SA that what this site is all about.

 

[Apersonalan]

Sometimes I don't express myself properly, I just think I do at times because I think a lot, and I mean alot but people don't see that so I have to understand things from their point of view and know if I want them to understand than I have to be more self expressive instead of afraid. Having SA makes it difficult or you can't express yourself at all so it's not really your problem and besides YOUR the victim so you don't really have to worry about others but it sounds like your always hard on yourself. Do people know about your past? I couldn't understand anyone acting so negative when dealing with someone who has anxiety, they want progress but they don't want care. I live in that area myself.

 

[BlackPuma]

Oh, Saskia. That must have been quite embarrassing for you. But do remember that you were calling a therapist, they understand what it means for a person to be that anxious. And they also know what fear does to speech and logic thinking. That's the good thing about therapists, they can read between the lines. She wasn't judging you.

You parents shouldn't react the way they do. You've turned into a very good person considering the dark past you've had. Some people use the past as excuse to justify various devious acts (criminality/hurt loved ones/irresponsibility). You're just in pain, they way they react is nothing but absurd. Tired/weary or not, you don't treat your kid that way, no matter how old they are.

But all that aside; If they get mad/turn their backs at you whenever you're in serious emotional distress, then perhaps it good to look for help elsewhere. The therapist was a good idea of you, and you owe no one an explanation as to why you're going there. If you need it, you need it, and that the end of it.

You need help to get over this. You're not going to do it in a single fingersnap (nor two, for that matter. )

You're not a idiot. In your circumstances you made the exact right choice.

 

[Steppen-Wolf]

I have to say that your situation sounds rather tragic.

I firmly believe that the pain of all of us is real and worthy of care and love, the fact that you where the subject of such abuse just makes that all the more true.

The situation with you parents seems rather complicated... They seem like good people who genuinly love you, but they find themselves overwhelmed by a problem they don't really understand. And to be honest, can you blame them?, to see your child in such a painful situation and being unable to truly understand how you feel or help you must be enourmously frustrating.

I think the best you can do is to try and open up and talk to them about how you feel. Tell them it's not their fault but that you need them, you need them to be strong for you, that you're doing everything you can to overcome this disease and all you need is love, support and time to be able to do it.

and I'm so anxious for people, being frustrated at me... I guess that's why I'm so afraid of people, I am insecure about myself, what is wrong with me and why do people smash their madness at me, I want to feel loved, I always helped them... Why don't they help me? I think I don't deserve it

Someone I care about deeply once told me something a long the lines of: "love is not something you deserve or earn, is just something you give and recieve selflessly".

You're no less worthy of love and care because you are ill or because you were abused, it's not you fault, it never was and never will be, you're just confused and in a fragile state.

Later on she called me again, and she said I can visit her tomorrow and we can talk about it, what should I do, i mean i have to travel by train, and everybody will be like why are you going to therapy today? You don't have to.
So they will notice I am dealing with something, don't want anyone to know.

I know this is easy to say and hard to do, but what truly matters in your life right now is that you improve not what anyone else thinks of you. Don't try to hide it, pretending that you're 100% fine just to please others as that will only lead you to disaster sooner or later.

It's clear that you still need help in overcoming your problems, nothing else should matter except that you get that help.

Anyway, you seem like a brave girl, don't get discouraged and keep trying, there will always be better times ahead.