I feel dumb.

[cowboyup]

I don't have many friends. Mostly, I like to keep to myself - that's just me, and I am OK with that. Also, I never have been in a real relationship/nor in 'love'...again, I am OK with that. But I was introduced to a guy a few years back, by a co-worker - one of her friends. There is about 10 yrs difference btwn us. Once again, even though I stated that fact, it has not been an issue. But lately I feel he is being immature or rather, showing his 'true age' .... IDK really though, because I know ppl his age and have a house, cars, good, stable job, in stable relationship or married, etc.

Anyhow, to the point, so we occasionally do the "friends with benefits" thing....since I don't get out much I guess it 'feeds' my needs (sorry if that is TMI or sounds morally bad, my apologies) But earlier when we last saw each other, he told me he was really sad and depressed and all he wanted to do was sleep - well I could understand that feeling, been there, done that. BUT he said he was "in love" with a girl (he was dating) and now she found someone else and she has fallen for another guy, one of his friends, and said he knows the guy she's dating is a douchebag but feels really bad cuz he's been replaced by this girl.

UHHHH....well, news to me. I had no idea he had a girlfriend, was dumped, or had such strong feelings for a girl while we were doing the "FWB" thing. Now I feel guilty - I wish I would had picked up on a clue that he was even seeing someone else or for that fact, "in love" ....

so he wanted to have his cake and eat it too? I don't get it?
I thought, well, damn, if you were in love while we were doing the FWB thing, WTF?

What a dumba** I feel like.

This post is kinda rhetorical - just wanted to get this off my chest because I liked him, and he was easy to talk to, intelligent, and being I have SA, it was nice to talk to a grown up after I've worked all day as a nanny. But how could I have been so stupid as to not pick up on him having a girlfriend.

 

[coyote]

i would wager he didn't want you to know

and since your needs were being met, maybe you didn't want to know, either

i'm sorry it worked out the way it did

you deserve better

 

[cowboyup]

^ thanks, Coyote.
It seems hard enough to just make friends, let alone find someone you really like and who are not scared off by the SA.
Live and Learn, right?
my life lesson #45938574662

 

[MsBuzzkillington]

I am sorry that things turned out so poorly. FWB type things are usually just that and unfortunately never more than that. Sounds like he was having his cake and eating it too, by having her for the emotional side of things and having you for the physical. He wasn't really doing anything wrong though. Still sucks that it happened. Don't feel dumb, he didn't want to tell you so there was no way you could have known.

You will get there, you will find someone better. Hang in there. Also, try and stay away from the FWB thing unless there is a lot of open talk and honesty about when/if you have other people in your life.

 

[cowboyup]

^ thanks, MsBuzzkillington, for your input
Yes, I understand that FWB is just that and nothing more; it still feels crummy.lol

 

[KiaKaha]

Guys are notorious for wanting to have their cake and eat it too, it happens ALL the time.... then again, being a guy - I have seen women do it too.

Like.... they kinda stick around because you are JUST interesting enough, JUST nice enough and JUST sexual enough to kind of have their needs met, but not quite enough to keep you for good.... until something better comes along then they will throw you to the curb...and then the cycle starts again. We have such poor attitudes to relationships. It's so easy to dismiss and throw people away, when there is so much choice out there.

FWB's can work - provided there is honesty and consent involved.

Anyway - sorry, just my scathing thoughts. I am not very good at making people feel better, but I am sorry you got hurt.

 

[MikeyC]

Maybe he only saw you as a friend that he occasionally had sex with. Maybe he wasn't aware you would develop stronger feelings for him. Maybe he thought he could confide in you with another girl he likes because to you, he's just a friend.

Or maybe he's just an idiot who was using you. Most likely scenario.

I think you should tell him that you're hurt because you were getting feelings for him. Otherwise it's probably best to sever contact with him, lest you get hurt again.

Just my input, and I may be wrong, though.

 

[Srijita52]

I agree with everyone, maybe you can tell him about your feelings. I'm sorry though, but I guess he didn't see this beyond friendship.

 

[cowboyup]

^^^ Thanks KaiKaha, MickeyC, Srijita52 for your input & suggestions, much appreciated

Yup - I think at this point I need to just let go. It took me by surprise to start having feelings for him which, when I got into this thing I knew it was a FWB thing and vowed nothing more.....didn't turn out that way for me! lol

Again, thanks to all

 

[Lea]

Guys are notorious for wanting to have their cake and eat it too, it happens ALL the time.... then again, being a guy - I have seen women do it too.

Like.... they kinda stick around because you are JUST interesting enough, JUST nice enough and JUST sexual enough to kind of have their needs met, but not quite enough to keep you for good.... until something better comes along then they will throw you to the curb...and then the cycle starts again. We have such poor attitudes to relationships. It's so easy to dismiss and throw people away, when there is so much choice out there.

That´s why I´m saying FWB is a nonsense. Because either it´s mutually considerate, honest and responsible and then it is not FWB but relationship, or someone just wants to "have their cake and eat it" - avoid all responsibility and obligations while getting the perks - because you´re not worth it enough - this is FWB. So IMO there is nothing like "honest" FWB, because if it was, it wouldn´t be FWB anymore.

 

[MikeyC]

It took me by surprise to start having feelings for him which, when I got into this thing I knew it was a FWB thing and vowed nothing more.....didn't turn out that way for me! lol

I guess it was a mutual thing in the beginning, which wasn't hurting anyone, but your feelings got in the way. At least there's some memories there.

I wish I had a FWB. :: ::

 

[dyingtolive]

i think for a guy, he's a jackass to tell u that and expect u to not feel bad. but he was depressed sad, so he at least he was honest...

how are u 2 now are u still friends or seeing each other

 

[cowboyup]

^Dyingtolive....
lol, read my "venting sad" post tonight....I was a fool to try and think a FWB would culminate into something else...and try to push my feelings aside ....

my mistake, lesson learned.
Life goes on, and so do I.
I am just pissed that I let my feeling take over and get in the way. Stupid on my part.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I find it ironic or something... that he'd be two-timing this girl he loves and calling the guy she's seeing now a 'douchebag'.
For one douche to be calling another guy a douche does that make them equally as douchey or is he really that much worse that the first guy?

hmm...
Anyway-- not your fault; he didn't tell you.
There are alot of factors going on anyway... so although it was inconsiderate on his part towards both you girls (as I'm assuming he didn't tell the other about you, either), perhaps he is truly a nice guy and just as naive as you in the end?

 

[cowboyup]

I find it ironic or something... that he'd be two-timing this girl he loves and calling the guy she's seeing now a 'douchebag'. Good Point!
For one douche to be calling another guy a douche does that make them equally as douchey or is he really that much worse that the first guy?

hmm...
Anyway-- not your fault; he didn't tell you.
There are alot of factors going on anyway... so although it was inconsiderate on his part towards both you girls (as I'm assuming he didn't tell the other about you, either), perhaps he is truly a nice guy and just as naive as you in the end?
Perhaps....anyhow, I am going to chill for the night and take it all one day at a time.