I can't get this out of my head

[dannyboy65]

I try so hard to get this out of my head. It's been there since the incident. I have so much guilt and regret on my shoulders it feels like a weight and it's killing me. I've been holding it in for so damn long that my mental health is going down. I'm stressed and I don't sleep, I need peace in my mind and I don't know what to do anymore.

I am going to just say it. I miss my ex girlfriend and I shouldn't of given up on her when times got tough for her. I wasn't a real man, I gave up on her and left her. Then for months I said bad things about her so I could try to stop caring for her. I know I can't go back and fix this. I know that she doesn't think of me anymore. I know that I should move on. I try every single day to move on and I've been living my life and still doing things right.

I want to talk to her and tell her I'm sorry. But I won't. Because I know she has moved on and doesn't want anything to do with me. I respect her feelings towards me and I know that I can't fix this. So I will live with this weight from now on knowing that I screwed up.

I just had to write this. I know there isn't much advice able to be given but I remember I told her about this site when we were dating and she made a profile. She doesn't check it often anymore, but if she ever does again which maybe never. But in the slightest chance she does, maybe she will read this and know that I'm sorry.

 

[zharl]

Hey man...if you wanna chat at all tomorrow, I can make myself available.

 

[F0AM]

I don't know the story but i'm sure you did what you could...sure you think that you could have done more for that relationship right now, but that's because you're a different Danny from that of the past. What i mean is that, as you said, you've been doing your best to do things right and made a lot of improvements, you're a more experienced person so you cannot blame yourself for not having done things the way you'd do them now. You probably did everything you could in that moment.

Besides, you said she moved on so she has probably already forgiven you (in case there's something to forgive, since as i said, i don't know the story) and you should learn to do the same

P.S sorry if i said something funny, it was hard for me to write this...we aliens were made for killing ppl not helping them geez... :bigsmile:

 

[Megaten]

Its because we're all broken people. Im surprised if anyone gives us a chance to begin with. But things inevitably go to shit just as sure as the Sun setting.

 

[blueflavors]

Tbh what about trying? actually you're not going to lose anything, i know it's not that easy, but if she means something to you, you have to apologize to her.
But, it's all up to her, if she moved on or not, it's not that the big deal, the big deal is to make yourself feel at ease and get some peace in your mind, it's no good.
What if she hated you for how you were but still loving you? if you apologize you might back to each other and if she moved on, you can earn her respect to you and you will get this heavy weight off you, hopefully something great will happen to you.

 

[Megaten]

Sorry about the negativity yesterday...but Blueflavors has a point. If you really need to apologize there's nothing stopping you. You just make sure you have realistic expectations on how she'll respond. Is she sentimental or vendictive. It might relieve your guilty conscience. I've done this tons of times. However I've also apologized to people only to have them tell me to go screw myself or just ignore it altogether. Which only left me hating them. Either way the guilt is gone at least.

 

[nodejesque]

When I was 15 I started an online friendship with this older guy. I think he was like 21. Anyway, for over a year... We never talked about what we looked like, age, sex, location... None of that. We always talked about music and art.

When he finally asked how old I was and where I was from... I lied. See, although he had never asked of anything from me... He sometimes shared pictures of his friends and him in concerts and such. He seemed so normal compared to how I felt.

I had so many facial piercings, long colorful hair, heavy makeup, black clothes... And he seemed like this light, compares to my dark.

So I lied. I said I was 20 and described my sister. Who was 19 at the time. And I didn't send her picture... But still.

Anyway, we became pen pals, and soon he wanted more from me. Nothing sexual, just... More. Like to meet... Maybe hang out. But I was so shy and self conscious. I felt repulsive.

So I stopped talking to him. Completely.

For YEARS I felt so guilty. I mean, I often thought of him, and I hoped that life was kind to him, and I hated myself for lying to him. So, I did what any self respecting psycho would do.... I Facebook stalked him. Kinda.

I found him, and when I did... I wrote a long letter to him. Telling him everything. This was a long letter. And that I was so sorry for lying and tainting such an amazing friendship. And that I truly do wish that he was happy.


He read it and never responded, but I'm glad that he at least knows that he wasn't just the butt of a joke. That I actually did value his friendship. It was my own insecurities that messed it up. Anyway, once I sent that... I never looked him up again.

It did ease my conscience, and although you can't change the past... It definitely gave me a sense of closure.

I think that in these situations, you definitely have to learn to forgive yourself and learn from it.