How would you respond to this kind of person?

[SmileMore]

There's a woman I work with who I find really hard to get on with. She's not mean exactly but whenever we have a conversation she doesn't really respond much to anything I say. She's quite happy to talk about herself and I listen and join in but when I say something about myself she just says "Mmm" or doesn't say anything. Am I that boring?

I'm in my early twenties and she's nearly sixty so maybe it's just the age difference, I don't know. I work alone with just her so I try my best to make conversation but I never get much back. It's kind of disheartening because it makes me feel like I must be saying things that are really stupid or boring. There's another lady I work with and we can chat for hours so I'm not too sure why this lady is so hard to connect with. If I say something positive about what I did at the weekend she sort of sneers or just dismisses what I have to say.

 

[vitalis]

Nope, I'd say it's not your problem at all. If that would happen to you with everyone, then it'd probably be different, but there are always people who just like to talk about themselves and have few or no empathy with what other people say. For what you tell this person is a bit like this. The worst is that you have to work so many time together, so avoiding conversation may take to misunderstatements.

The age difference may matter because you both don't share your values and vital references, and then it sucks to work with another person you have no much in common. I've also worked with older people and it felt a bit like this, but could overcome this because I've always strangely felt I shared more in common with them than with people around my age.

So my advice here is that if you want to have a passable relationship with her so you don't have to suffer at work (a very important point), you just keep it the way it is, listening to her and maybe keep on trying points of conversation that you may have in common, even if it's difficult.

 

[Silatuyok]

I know some people like this. It's not your fault at all. I don't even think the age difference has much to do with it. Some people are just so wrapped up in their own little worlds that anything outside of that doesn't really interest them enough to listen to. It's a shame, really, because they're missing out on getting to know some really great people, like yourself!

 

[BlackPuma]

A conversation is a two way stream. Some people just like to unload their thoughts rather then have a dynamic exchange of thoughts. I consider it rude and a bit selfish when someone makes almost no effort to add to the conversation (it's not like they're obligated to stay in it for hours). You're not in the wrong here.

Personally, I'd just let her talk to me, but never really try and connect because some people are just not open to it.

 

[Facethefear]

This is a work relationship and she is showing you her status (above you). She wants to be in the power position and is letting you know it. You are playing her game and she is winning - you should not be trying to make conversation with her or chatting for hours with another co-worker or revealing details about your personal life. Never confuse a job with a social occasion. You are being paid to produce results so all this personal talk can be used against you. Be polite to her and do your job.

 

[SmileMore]

This is a work relationship and she is showing you her status (above you). She wants to be in the power position and is letting you know it. You are playing her game and she is winning - you should not be trying to make conversation with her or chatting for hours with another co-worker or revealing details about your personal life. Never confuse a job with a social occasion. You are being paid to produce results so all this personal talk can be used against you. Be polite to her and do your job.

Erm... Firstly, I don't really talk about my personal life. Secondly, she's the one who talks about HER personal life. We both do the same job and she is not above me. I just talk to her about general things to be polite.

 

[MarionBerry]

It's not that you are boring. She sounds like she might be an over talker?

For some insight into why people do this and how to respond, read this.

 

[SmileMore]

She usually talks over me or buts in. Other people have told me she does the same thing to them.

 

[Hellhound]

It's not your fault. That lady sounds like she has a big ego.

 

[Facethefear]

Erm... Firstly, I don't really talk about my personal life. Secondly, she's the one who talks about HER personal life. We both do the same job and she is not above me. I just talk to her about general things to be polite.

I guess you didn't want my opinion but that is how I would respond to her. I speak from the experience of being an employee and a boss and I know all the games that are played commonly called "office politics". Co-workers are jockeying for position for promotions, pay raises and not getting laid off. If they cannot raise themself above you they will attempt to lower you. Unless you and this woman were hired on the same day, have the same job title and earn the same salary you are not equal.

 

[dottie]

so true. god, i loathe office politics. i loathe the system.

 

[SmileMore]

I guess you didn't want my opinion but that is how I would respond to her. I speak from the experience of being an employee and a boss and I know all the games that are played commonly called "office politics". Co-workers are jockeying for position for promotions, pay raises and not getting laid off. If they cannot raise themself above you they will attempt to lower you. Unless you and this woman were hired on the same day, have the same job title and earn the same salary you are not equal.

We do earn the same salary and have the same job title.

 

[twiggle]

I guess you didn't want my opinion but that is how I would respond to her. I speak from the experience of being an employee and a boss and I know all the games that are played commonly called "office politics". Co-workers are jockeying for position for promotions, pay raises and not getting laid off. If they cannot raise themself above you they will attempt to lower you. Unless you and this woman were hired on the same day, have the same job title and earn the same salary you are not equal.

I think this is the case in some sectors/offices but certainly not all.


SmileMore it seems to me as though this lady doesn't necessarily have anything personal against you, she just doesn't know how to relate to somebody so much younger. In my experience I have sometimes found colleagues who are much older to envy the fact that people so much younger than them are doing the same job as they are. Perhaps this is why? Since you and her have the same title.

Regardless, the important thing is that you know you've made an effort with her. Because you've done that, it's her problem if she doesn't know how to reciprocate. If I were you I'd just forget about trying to make an effort with her and focus on other things. You've done what you can with her.

 

[Fanden]

I guess you didn't want my opinion but that is how I would respond to her. I speak from the experience of being an employee and a boss and I know all the games that are played commonly called "office politics". Co-workers are jockeying for position for promotions, pay raises and not getting laid off. If they cannot raise themself above you they will attempt to lower you. Unless you and this woman were hired on the same day, have the same job title and earn the same salary you are not equal.

I don't agree with you at all. There are no signs that she is doing it to assert herself. If she's in her 60's she probably going to retire sooner rather than later.

Some people are mostly only interested in hearing themselves talk. I don't think she means no harm though.

 

[TailsAlone]

Erm... Firstly, I don't really talk about my personal life. Secondly, she's the one who talks about HER personal life. We both do the same job and she is not above me. I just talk to her about general things to be polite.

Work relationships, office politics--none of that stuff is answering the question, so I'll give it a go.

This lady sounds pretty self-centered. She's communicating selfishly by going on about herself and ignoring your replies. How would I respond to her? I would nod and give her the "mmmm" or "mmm-hmm" treatment while focusing on work. It clearly conveys my lack of interest without being rude. If she wants an active listener for her stories, she's going to have to earn it. Communication is a two-way street. Especially for people like us, who have a longer road to travel than most.

 

[SmileMore]

Work relationships, office politics--none of that stuff is answering the question, so I'll give it a go.

This lady sounds pretty self-centered. She's communicating selfishly by going on about herself and ignoring your replies. How would I respond to her? I would nod and give her the "mmmm" or "mmm-hmm" treatment while focusing on work. It clearly conveys my lack of interest without being rude. If she wants an active listener for her stories, she's going to have to earn it. Communication is a two-way street. Especially for people like us, who have a longer road to travel than most.

I agree.