How to help a friend who is extremely pessimistic?

[SilentAndShy]

I've got an old friend who've been through some tough times but has a family, a roof over his head, is a good person I think at heart despite our ups and downs and my frustrations with him.

Whenever I text the positives he has in his life, he never seems to acknowledge that. He also sees the negatives and just can't respond positively. At times I think I'm not replying because whatever I say won't have a profound impact.

There just seems nothing I can say for him to reply positively or acknowledge what he has. It's always what he doesn't have, angst at other people for having what he doesn't have, how he's been treated and I just get tired trying to be positive.

I don't and probably wouldn't abandon him but it's getting abit full on and tiring.

Advice please.

 

[SilentBird]

Maybe your friend has got unmet needs.

 

[kihira]

You could try validating his negative thoughts and feeling first and then reminding him of what he has got going for him in his life. Acknowledging and agreeing that there is much wrong with the world, that life is hard, is a powerful first step to then looking at whether changes are possible or acceptance is needed. Then there can be mental room for allowing some positives in

 

[SilentAndShy]

You could try validating his negative thoughts and feeling first and then reminding him of what he has got going for him in his life. Acknowledging and agreeing that there is much wrong with the world, that life is hard, is a powerful first step to then looking at whether changes are possible or acceptance is needed. Then there can be mental room for allowing some positives in

I could try that approach you said but I feel I'm doing that already. Maybe I could try validing his thoughts more explicitly then adding the positives. In my messages I've responded with just the positives so he maybe thinks it's easy for me to say that. Thanks for the tip. :thumbup:

 

[awkwardamanda]

Pessimists aren't likely to respond well to positivity. In the same way that extraverts don't understand introverts, optimists don't understand pessimists. You can't make someone see the bright side if they don't want to. Optimists tend to think that everyone should just be positive. Just like you can't tell someone who's depressed just to try to be happy and expect it to work.

 

[Odo]

Pessimists aren't likely to respond well to positivity. In the same way that extraverts don't understand introverts, optimists don't understand pessimists. You can't make someone see the bright side if they don't want to. Optimists tend to think that everyone should just be positive. Just like you can't tell someone who's depressed just to try to be happy and expect it to work.

Yes this.

I used to be an optimist but nowadays being optimistic just feels dishonest and irresponsible.

But there's a difference between being a pessimist and wallowing in self-pity.

 

[jaim38]

You said your friend doesn't see the positives in his life. I think he should do a little experiment. Maybe try living on his own for a month or 2, without his family, his phone, friends, allowance, etc.

I used to be like this too, especially in my teens. I was very pessimistic, and hated living with my family. I complained about the food, the house, my parents, the fact that we're not as rich as other people, etc. After high school I moved out for college and lived away from home. During this time period, I realized how much stuff I took for granted. I actually became very homesick. Now when I see my house again, I feel very grateful for what I have. Moving out made me feel more appreciative of very basic things such as having food on the table, roof over my head, etc.

 

[MikeyC]

He sounds like a "glass half empty" kind of man. It seems he's just hard-wired to be pessimistic about everything, as hard as that is for people that know him.

I don't think there's anything you can do or say to change his thinking patterns. He needs to want to change, as well.

 

[SilentAndShy]

You said your friend doesn't see the positives in his life. I think he should do a little experiment. Maybe try living on his own for a month or 2, without his family, his phone, friends, allowance, etc.

I don't think he could that if he tried, got his own family of two kids and wife to look after.

I'm just trying to be helpful but sometimes it is a feeling of hitting the brick wall at times. I guess he can't change to more positivity. Maybe if he had some good luck go his way then it might help alter his thinking.

 

[Gieky]

I am a pessimistic person myself and usually when I am complaining to someone it is because I am looking for someone to care by lending a shoulder and ear, not looking for advice to make everything better. I am aware that the transferring of this type of energy can be a drain on other people too though. I find that those who handle me the best in these situations don't want to fix what is wrong nor do they agree with what I am saying unless they truly mean it. Instead they are patient and ask questions that challenge my thought process in an objective way and also it lets me know they are really listening. It usually helps to snap me out of my pessimistic pattern of thought at least for the time being.

 

[SilentBird]

I am for the most part pessimistic but I do have a hopeful streak, probably because things haven't turned out as bad as I thought they would. I have proved myself wrong enough times to let a little hope in, but I am very resistant in doing so.

 

[theoutsider]

My advice is don't bother with it. I know you want to help but people who are always pessimistic are vexations to the soul. They suck all your energy and time and never seem to change their perspective. If you continue to try to make him see the positive side of life, he will only wind up bringing you down to the point where you are just as sad/depressed as he is.

 

[Feathers]

I don't always know how to help extremely negative people either, especially if they go round and round in circles as to what went wrong, repeating stuff many times - I can be sympathetic for a while, but if it's too repetitive it's just difficult to know what to say... sometimes all that they need to do is vent and to have you express acknowledgment of their struggles and admiration maybe (at least that has worked in my case)

It can be difficult to wish to help someone, you can even express you don't know what to say and would like to help, it can be appreciated

 

[SilentAndShy]

My advice is don't bother with it. I know you want to help but people who are always pessimistic are vexations to the soul. They suck all your energy and time and never seem to change their perspective. If you continue to try to make him see the positive side of life, he will only wind up bringing you down to the point where you are just as sad/depressed as he is.

I'm beginning to think this policy is good. Extremely frustrated after an argument with my friend. I try to help and be honest, tell him what I think but he perceives any normal comment a slight, criticism or judging him.

Instead they are patient and ask questions that challenge my thought process in an objective way and also it lets me know they are really listening.

I've tried being objective but it seems everything I say just gets judged. Just had one of my observations, which I felt was honest, twisted and made me out to be someone who was judging him. Blood is boiling atm.

 

[SilentAndShy]

So our argument ended up being a full blown out argument.

He's apologised but not keen to accept as I frankly need a break from him because I'm so drained and consumed by his issues.

He sends a few contrite messages, then I don't reply, then he sends more messages but this time it's more angry and vicious at me not NOT accepting his apology and pinning the blame of the breakdown of the friendship on me for not accepting his apology. WTF.

 

[Malrlana]

Depressed people, with a heavy pessimistic behavior, don't listen what an optimistic person says. I can tell, I am pessimistic and I am working on it. Trying to talk with a pessimistic person through optimism it is like talking with somebody that doesn't speak your language and you don’t understand each other ending everything in frustration.
I don't know your friend's situation, the reasons why he is so pessimistic, but my problem was that my mind was sucked up into finding a solution to the bad things around me, happening to me. This brought me to focus on the worse. That's why talking about good things around me didn't work. I knew about them, I acknowledge them, I was happy for them; but I needed to fix the bad ones; there was always that black spot on a pure white table cloth.
Solutions that didn't exist or I couldn't have been able to find right away or worse case, I knew the solution, just didn’t want to act because fear to take action, laziness etc. and I wanted everybody to be aware of this.
Did you try to tell him "yes, you are right, that sucks; that is really wrong. So what do you want to do about it?" See his reaction. If you see a disappointment in him because you don't fight back his pessimism, it is a good sign.
Ask him what he would do to fix those bad things and most of the times the answer is “I don’t know” or “I am not able to fix it”. The fix doesn't exist or he doesn't want to fix in the why he likes; so he should move on and live with that shit because he is losing the last good things he has, one by one and this will bring more things to give energy to his pessimism.