"Hey, are you ok? You're not saying anything"

[zav943]

A couple of hours ago, my friend invited me to go out with him and bunch of people from work to go have lunch in a nice restaurant a couple of blocks down, and with great reluctance I said yes (desperate for social contact).

Anyway, I go downstairs and I met with him and another guy and off we walked to the restaurant. During that time, both of them talked about their softball team and some other "inside" stuff that I couldn't possibly contribute to, so for the 10 minute commute, I just walked silently (not upset or anything).

We get there, and I realize their are at least 15 people (and I know 3, maybe 4 of them). Due to the lack of "social momentum", I couldn't muster the courage to start talking to anyone (but then again, no body bothered to talk to me)...eventually, my friend turns to me and asks me the question I'm sure we've all been asked many, many times: "Hey, are you ok? You're not talking"'

What do you say to that??! why don't YOU help me out here...introduce me to some of these people or something...come on!

Anyways, I mananged to get some conversation going with the girl across the table from me but it was nigh impossible to keep it going...just question/answer/same question back at me/answer/END. But that's rarely how it works out...very often the utterance of the question: Are you ok? is enough to erase what little social confidence I have, leaving me silent the rest of the conversation...

Do you have any similar stories?

 

[I'm Not There]

If I happen to be out with some people and we're in a bar or something, they ask me the same question. Actually they don't even ask me anything, they're just stating the fact that I'm quiet. "You're not saying much" with half a question mark after it, is all I get.

I used to make up excuses such as "I'm tired", but recently I just stopped doing that. All I say now is "Yeah I know" or "So what?". Then they continue their conversation. If they ask me a real question I can easily give them an answer, but otherwise there's no way I'm contributing to anything.

 

[Elenwen]

Ugh, I hate when people do that. I always want to come back with, "Well, it's hard to say anything when you don't know anything about anything anyone's talking about," or "It would be easier to say something if you would introduce me to some of your friends," but all that ever comes out is, "Sorry, I'm just not feeling that well tonight." I especially hate it when no one bothers to talk to you but they expect you to talk to them. WTF. I'm worried I'm going to have to deal with this situation tonight, actually.

 

[DeMarco]

I have this happen to me but most of the time people will talk behind my back. I catch them talking to each other and saying : he's awkward, he doesn't talk, hes too quiet etc. I use to get upset at when hearing those comments but not anymore. People will often verbalize there own insecurities and i understand where they are coming from but i choose not to react. You see, you are secure and confident with yourself but others have told you the opposite and you have accepted it as your reality. Look at these web site so you can clearly see what I'm trying to say.

urbanmonk.net
thework.com
pathwaytohappiness.com

 

[hangbi92]

i had the same thing happen to me few days ago. I hang out with 2 friends to go to a supermarket and watch movie, and during that time I just walked beside them without talking anything, and the 2 guys talked to each other. So one guy turned to me and asked:"Hey you have not talked anything". Because he was a nice guys so I told him I had social issue. And he understood that and so instead of walking all the way around the supermarket which made scared to death, he suggested me and the other friend to go to the book store.

 

[Richey]

those people irritate me to be honest, its approval seeking on their behalf because its as if they want you to gratify their existance or something, i mean the way i see it is i've had quiet friends before and it never bothered me, they are who they are and i have the same attitude towards how i am, sometimes i feel like talking other times i feel like being quiet and can't think of alot to say and that is fine! i think this is just an issue of how to react to other louder people in that situation, its easy to feel offended when someone mentions it but instead maybe just respond with "well i am listening to you but don't have a strong opinion on it" .. ...

there are always those annoying ditsy outgoing sorts of people that feel they have to talk all the time to feel normal which is fine but when they start judging or project that "i'm better because i'm louder" self image then people who are quieter need to find a way to put them in their place ..

there are also outgoing loud types who understand quieter people because they may have been shyer at some point in their life..

there is nothing wrong with people who chitter chatter all the time and the same goes for quiter people, both are natural and i also believe both types of personalities can potentially be loud or quiet given their circumstances in life and their environment etc ..a loud person could have been a quiet person had they lived in the shoes of another person and same goes for the quiet person could have been louder had they lived a life in an "alternative world" to the one they have ...

the key is accepting different personalities and understanding empathy of people.

 

[staticreflex]

the things is with people, those who don't have SA and are generally confident, can sometimes be baffled by a very quiet person saying nothing at all.

I sometimes wish I could just tell people "I have SA, just being here without having a panic attack and calling a cab home is taking all of my concentration so give me a bleeping break."

 

[DekKO]

I hate when that happens. I'm in front of my mom's friends or anyone at school and they ask if i'm OK. It's really embarassing and it puts me down. It is really hard to just walk up to someone and get to know them without a little help from your friend. Especially with SA.

 

[userremoved]

My response is usually, "Yeah I'm fine". Even though thats far from the truth. But if I did tell them the real problem I'm afraid it would make the situation worse because I know few understand what this is like. But yeah I hate that question.

 

[stephen]

Most people I know I have known for the last twenty years so they know what I'm like but anyone new inevitably asks me something similar. It really stops any chance of me actually saying anything for the rest of the evening because it just makes me so much more self conscious.

 

[ttyl]

Story of my life! Sometimes don't even answer people anymore when they say something about it, or I'll just give a "yea" or a "yep." If I ever get caught in one of those situations, which is often, I usually try to find one person who will talk to me in the room and hang with them, and if I can't do that I'll make up an excuse to get out of there. I am sure to drive my own car wherever I go so I don't get trapped, and I am very picky on who I hang out with.

Frankly, I have chalked most of that "clicky" behavior up to immaturity. Its just my opinion, but a considerate and socially aware person will introduce you to everyone they know, while the opposite will act as you have described.

 

[GhoulsNightOut]

It pisses me off so much now when that happens!! Only when I know it's not my fault. Usually when I'm hanging with a friend and his/her friend who I've just met, they will go on talking about people they both know...just ordinary stuff like what this person's been up to or what he/she's did a week ago, then after 20 minutes or so one of them will say to me, "You're so quiet" or "Are you ok?" if they've noticed me spacing out. And I'd just think "What the f*** am I supposed to say!? I don't even know these people and these stories aren't even worth mentioning to comment on if that's what you were expecting!"

The last time that happened I just exploded and let it all out in front my friend and her 2 friends at a restaurant, and shockingly her friends were actually more understanding which made me feel bad. We haven't hung out since but I'm not hung up on it since she's done that every time I meet her new buddies, and I can't help but think that she's an idiot.

 

[proudmummy]

ugh, this happens to me...all the time...even family say it ........Blaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Richey]

I hate when that happens. I'm in front of my mom's friends or anyone at school and they ask if i'm OK. It's really embarassing and it puts me down. It is really hard to just walk up to someone and get to know them without a little help from your friend. Especially with SA.

its the most annoying thing ever. i mean if i am with someone and they are a bit quiet i don't make a public scene out of it by saying "why are you so quiet" or "are you ok?" ..because i have empathy for the quiet person and i realise that they probably don't want me to ask it in front of other people and to make a big deal of it. those 'prodder' sorts of people are simply annoying and lack people skills, just because they can babble on doesn't mean they have brains either.

 

[stephen]

Although I can be social, I don't care for the whole asking/answering questions when I first meet someone. This is going to sound arrogant, but I often don't really care to know what a person does for a living, where they went to school or where they live. At the same time, I don't care to repeat the same **** over and over again. Everytime I meet a new person, it is almost guaranteed that they will ask me the same meaningless questions. I could have a successful, fulfilling career and I still would not want to talk about it over and over again. How many people truly care about the questions they ask anyway?

I have trouble with this too. However I have found myself resorting to this sort of question/answer thing simply because I wanted to make an effort to introduce myself and was going to chicken out if I tried too hard to be interesting. I tried to think of something more interesting to talk about but could feel myself starting to panic the more I thought about it. It was either be predictable or be the usual introvert so I went with predictable.


BTW that's a funny avatar .

 

[craaazyflamingo]

Yeah, people will ask me that all the time! I usually just answer with "Yeah" or something like that. It gets pretty annoying.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

Although I can be social, I don't care for the whole asking/answering questions when I first meet someone. This is going to sound arrogant, but I often don't really care to know what a person does for a living, where they went to school or where they live. At the same time, I don't care to repeat the same **** over and over again. Everytime I meet a new person, it is almost guaranteed that they will ask me the same meaningless questions. I could have a successful, fulfilling career and I still would not want to talk about it over and over again. How many people truly care about the questions they ask anyway?

Exactly. I may not be able to do smalltalk (something which I've been made to feel bad about in the past) but at least when I ask someone a question I am genuinely interested, and do actually want to know the answer.

 

[BlueDays]

..................

 

[stephen]

I used to get that a lot when I was younger. At one friends birthday my mind just froze and I could not think of anything to say whatsoever. That night still haunts me.

I had one night where a couple of friends were pissed off with me and were actually yelling at me "Talk! Talk! Come on that's not talking." Trouble was the more they yelled the more panic I felt and I couldn't verbalise at all.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Get it a lot, answer mostly with 'I know,' 'yeah.' Honestly, how can someone just start talking to someone else about anything?

Off topic, once conversations are going I have to rely on observing facial expressions to know if something humorous was said or shocking. To try and react appropriately. I guess nerves prevent being able to tell if something is funny or upsetting.