Help, married to an intimacy phobic man and don't know what to do

I've been married to a man who, prior to my marrying him, "followed me around like a puppy" to quote everybody who knew us, for 19 years. I knew 3 years in that I could not depend on him for ANY type of emotional support, when first my aunt, then father committed suicide and he was simply not there for me. Not only not there for me, but all but told me to go to my ex for this type of support.

He's been to 4 therapists, one just wanted to teach us to talk to each other. We talk all the time, it's just that most of what he says are lies, so that wasn't helpful. The next, he went by himself for weeks, when she finally asked to see me, I found out that he'd been totally lying to her and now all she wanted to do was mother him. The third found my life so interesting that we accomplished nothing. The newest one seems reasonable and has said my husband has intimacy phobia, which I think his entire family does.

The one thing he's always known I cannot tollerate in my life is lying. Yet he lies about EVERYTHING! The tiniest, dumbest things, that make no difference, all the way to the "yeah, I think the car was stolen" when he knew he didn't pay the bill for so long it was repossessed.

He claims he wants to work on this, claims he wants our marriage to work, but every time I try to trust him again, he starts lying. And he's not even a good liar. This morning, in ONE email, he told 4 lies about the SAME one sentence!!!!

Is there any hope? What can I do? I've always been such a strong woman, but right now I feel totally broken and completely alone!

HELP
 
to put it in my simple internet language, and I know these probably aren't the words you'd use, but in a short simple sentence just basically say : truth or GTFO
 

Felgen

Well-known member
Stand up for yourself. If you let him walk all over you, then that's what he'll do. If he can't handle it when you stand up for yourself, then he's not much of a husband.
 

danstelter

Well-known member
First things first - thank you for your courage! That's a tough place that you're in. It's not clear if your husband has "social anxiety disorder" as a label, but when you say that "he followed you around like a puppy" that indicates he MAY have social anxiety disorder.

From what I'm hearing, he basically lies to people in order to manipulate them into doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. I can't say that I've ever encountered this problem personally (although I've heard of it before and some of us SA people, including myself, have done it to some degree in the past).

What I would suggest, in order to have success, is that you attend counseling WITH your husband as often as possible. The new counselor that seems reasonable needs 2 sides to the story, and there's always truth in both. And, your husband has a history of deceiving other counselors, so it's important that you are present to ensure that a balanced approach will happen.

What I would like you to know also is that your husband has been operating this way his whole life up to this point, and now he is going to have to change. Having to change a habit like this is going to take a lot of time! It shouldn't take long - a few months or so - to see beginnig results, but it may take 2-3 years before this behavior really changes into a more acceptable pattern. That might not be what you want to hear, but I believe it is the unfortunate reality.

In the meantime, keep doing everything right on your side of the street. Confront him when you catch him lying, but be honest yourself. Don't resort to name-calling, taking revenge, or anything else because that will only make things worse.

Good luck and give me a PM if you have more questions.
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
I wouldn't put up with that myself, I'd walk and I doubt anyone would blame you if you did to, whatever his condition, he seems to be making zero effort with you. It looks like you've tried everything you can.
 

miss_amy

Well-known member
Sometimes people realise they have to make changes when they lose what they want. Forgiving and putting up with it time after time is teaching him he can lie to you and you will still be there. I would lose him and make him earn you by working hard at the correct therapy if he wants a relationship. Harsh I know but I really can't see he will help himself or you if you just carry on.
 

Confuseddd

Well-known member
Sounds like he fears telling you the truth out of what you might say is a sense of not wanting to appear irresponsible, stupid , ect..
He fears telling you the truth because he thinks the truth will make you think differently of him ultimately. That intimacy fear he has coincides with this I think, he is afraid to be intimate because he thinks getting close will in the end bring you farther away from him once you know his "true self".
Have you ever tried to console him by perhaps telling him you will love him no matter what. That might help to raise his confidence. One thing though, does he admit to the lies/know that hes lying? If he does not admit/know hes lying there could be a deeper problem.
 

Minty

Well-known member
The only thing you can do is decide if you want to be with this type of person or not. Do not expect him to change because he won't until there's some type of catalyst in his life. And don't expect to be the catalyst. People can't change other people. We only have the power to change ourselves.

Your options:

1) Leave him and find someone who will support you
2) Stay with him and change how you think about the situation so that you won't feel depressed and alone

Whatever you do, assume he will never EVER change. And do what's best for you. You don't want to enable his bad behavior. People who put themselves in situations where they'll be hurt by lies and lack of intimacy are telling themselves, "This is what I deserve". It's an act of not giving yourself the respect you deserve.

Hope you find out what's right for you and feel better soon.
 

Waybuloo

Well-known member
Emotional manipulator. If I were you I don't care what problem he has. After all this time, if he doesn't even try to change via a therapist or by himself, not even for the sake of your sanity and your relationship, then it's completely hopeless. There are some people who just want to rely on you for an easy life, as they'd rather have a mummy to look after them. You are not his therapist, the moment you turn into his therapist, the dynamic of the relationship changes and romance goes out the window. He'll turn dependent on you, but what do you get out of it? Your relationship already sounds like mother and son. If he can't even provide any solace in your times of great need, that is really a great test for what kind of partner he is, don't you see? He is completely self absorbed that he cannot relate to you on an equal footing, nor can he empathise with you or care enough to care for you.

He has already withered you down over the years, I think it really is a shame if you continue. If you have any love for yourself or for him (he needs to be away from you and work on himself completely), you would end this.
Leave now!
 

Cynic

Well-known member
I've been married to a man who, prior to my marrying him, "followed me around like a puppy" to quote everybody who knew us, for 19 years. I knew 3 years in that I could not depend on him for ANY type of emotional support, when first my aunt, then father committed suicide and he was simply not there for me. Not only not there for me, but all but told me to go to my ex for this type of support.
You must ask yourself why you married someone so weak, clingy and clearly 'not all there' fs! There are plenty of other men who would look after you better. Have you thought of getting rid?

I wonder how someone with 'intimicy phobia' would end up marryig in the first place?! :confused:
 

da_illest101

Well-known member
You must ask yourself why you married someone so weak, clingy and clearly 'not all there' fs! There are plenty of other men who would look after you better. Have you thought of getting rid?

I wonder how someone with 'intimicy phobia' would end up marryig in the first place?! :confused:

yea i was reading her post and that's all i could think about. how do you marry someone with intimacy phobia? why married someone that you don't have any intimacy with?
 
This therapist said he thought he had intimacy phobia after the FIRST session, so he's clinging to that. I honestly, after doing a lot of research, think he's right.
It's easy for others (not you) to say "just leave" when you don't know the entire situation. There are many reasons outside of myself that I just can't. Though, at this point, this is literally killing me and he knows it. My health is failing badly now simply due to the constant stress of this.
He's been writing in a journal and is seeing things about his mother that he never realized. He knew she abused his dad and all, but now that he realizes she also abused him, he feels something. I don't know if this is why he's escalated his lying and hurting to the point he has. But in the last two weeks it has been CONSTANT lying about things he knows that I know he's lying about so that I will confront him, then he spends HOURS playing word games "well, that's not what I thought "I won't lie" meant" type of games. Bringing back up old lies just to hurt me.
We have another appointment with the therapist next week, but considering the amount of blood I'm vomiting over the last two days of nonsense, I'm honestly not sure I'll make it to that point (I carry all of my stress in my stomach and have been hospitalized for this before and he knows this, and just keeps going).
I don't expect overnight results, I do expect that less than a minute after we have a LONG discussion and come to an agreement that if he feels "scared" by a question he won't lie, then he won't. Last night, he did just that. He got me to ask the question, he lied, then started again with the word games and smoke screens.
Yes, I will most definitely be going to EVERY therapy session with him. We can't afford that kind of money to be wasted yet again.
He lies to get people to do things for him that he should do for himself, but he also lies just to look good. Like he will tell people he does ALL of the housework when he hasn't done a dish, cleaned a floor or cleaned a bathroom ever, or maybe like a couple of times in 19 years. For him, other than how I feel about him, the world must think he is a hero.

Thank you for your support, I can't tell you how much it's needed.
Right now both of my adult children are asking constantly why I don't leave him, my son walked in this morning to see me vomiting blood. I've lost almost all of my friend because I can't function.

The worst part for me is that I WAS a seriously strong woman before this. I was a single mother of one for 10 years, had a great career, very successful, make twice as much as he did always. Then I started a non-profit and it was really becoming successful, before he started "torturing me". Now i can barely run my life's dream. Which is, BTW, why I can't leave him. I left the corporate world to do this, back before I realized what I was married to, he agreed to support it, and if I throw him out, I can't support the over 200 animals that are in my care. These aren't dogs and cats, they can't be rehomed, most would be euthanized if we had to shut down. So I'm stuck. I prided myself on never depending on ANYBODY and now I'm stuck.

First things first - thank you for your courage! That's a tough place that you're in. It's not clear if your husband has "social anxiety disorder" as a label, but when you say that "he followed you around like a puppy" that indicates he MAY have social anxiety disorder.

From what I'm hearing, he basically lies to people in order to manipulate them into doing things for him that he should be doing for himself. I can't say that I've ever encountered this problem personally (although I've heard of it before and some of us SA people, including myself, have done it to some degree in the past).

What I would suggest, in order to have success, is that you attend counseling WITH your husband as often as possible. The new counselor that seems reasonable needs 2 sides to the story, and there's always truth in both. And, your husband has a history of deceiving other counselors, so it's important that you are present to ensure that a balanced approach will happen.

What I would like you to know also is that your husband has been operating this way his whole life up to this point, and now he is going to have to change. Having to change a habit like this is going to take a lot of time! It shouldn't take long - a few months or so - to see beginnig results, but it may take 2-3 years before this behavior really changes into a more acceptable pattern. That might not be what you want to hear, but I believe it is the unfortunate reality.

In the meantime, keep doing everything right on your side of the street. Confront him when you catch him lying, but be honest yourself. Don't resort to name-calling, taking revenge, or anything else because that will only make things worse.

Good luck and give me a PM if you have more questions.
 
Because for three years, this man followed me around and had EVERYBODY convinced he worshipped the ground I walked on. I had NO interest in him or ever getting married.
Then he had a near fatal accident, they said he may die, and I told him if he lived, I'd marry him. So, two months later, that's what I did.
I talked to a friend from back then the other night and all I heard was "oh come on, that man worships you", so I was not the only person he fooled. He played this game VERY well.
Everything I've read about this though, that was normal. They want a relationship, but deep down know they can't have one, so they fall for the unattainable, which I was until his accident. I can't tell you how often I told him and mutual friends that WE would never be!

yea i was reading her post and that's all i could think about. how do you marry someone with intimacy phobia? why married someone that you don't have any intimacy with?
 
I know this is exactly what I should do. But I can't leave him or throw him out because of the animals. And I don't know how to prove to him that I'm serious with him still here.
He saw me vomiting up blood as he was doing this last night and he just kept on.
So yes, I know he doesn't care and my continuing to be here with him is encouraging that. But I feel stuck.
Even his own daughter cannot look at him at all and not because of anything I've said, because she realized as a teen that he was never there for her and now she sees what he does to me and she is beginning to hate him for it.
I hate that for her.
If I could possibly leave and not have it mean death to all of these animals, believe me, I would. But, how can I make him believe I mean this if he knows I can't leave?

Sometimes people realise they have to make changes when they lose what they want. Forgiving and putting up with it time after time is teaching him he can lie to you and you will still be there. I would lose him and make him earn you by working hard at the correct therapy if he wants a relationship. Harsh I know but I really can't see he will help himself or you if you just carry on.
 
Yes, I have. When he came in last night, claiming to want to talk to make this better, I very clearly told him that I'd talk if he was honest. He knows I know his lies. He started out by admitting one and then two minutes later denying it. I was never angry, hurt, or anything over it, he just flipped his story, then played word games for two and a half hours on that subject.

Sounds like he fears telling you the truth out of what you might say is a sense of not wanting to appear irresponsible, stupid , ect..
He fears telling you the truth because he thinks the truth will make you think differently of him ultimately. That intimacy fear he has coincides with this I think, he is afraid to be intimate because he thinks getting close will in the end bring you farther away from him once you know his "true self".
Have you ever tried to console him by perhaps telling him you will love him no matter what. That might help to raise his confidence. One thing though, does he admit to the lies/know that hes lying? If he does not admit/know hes lying there could be a deeper problem.
 

goldenholds

Well-known member
I know this is exactly what I should do. But I can't leave him or throw him out because of the animals. And I don't know how to prove to him that I'm serious with him still here.
He saw me vomiting up blood as he was doing this last night and he just kept on.
So yes, I know he doesn't care and my continuing to be here with him is encouraging that. But I feel stuck.
Even his own daughter cannot look at him at all and not because of anything I've said, because she realized as a teen that he was never there for her and now she sees what he does to me and she is beginning to hate him for it.
I hate that for her.
If I could possibly leave and not have it mean death to all of these animals, believe me, I would. But, how can I make him believe I mean this if he knows I can't leave?

This is my opinion. The reason you are staying is honorable, but this man is destructive, manipulative and cruel, and he will not change, ever, for any reason. I think the reason you are having trouble leaving is not because of the animals, it’s because he has removed from you the strength you need to leave. You don't have enough strength left to realize that. It sounds like to me that if you continue in your current path, you will not be helping the animals because you will either not be with us anymore, or too sick to care for them. The only chance the animals have is for you to get away from him NOW, and then do whatever you can to save as many animals as you can on your own, or with help from others. This man is poison, and will always be nothing more than poison. Leave now. I wish you the best.
 
I do think you are right. I've always, before now, considered myself a very strong woman and been viewed so by others. Right now, and for quite some time, I feel like a broken shell.
I did tell him tonight that if he "breaks the rules", which means lies, once more, then for now, I will go stay with a friend at night (he gets home after 7:30) and only be home during the day. Then, when I've been able to get us out of this financial mess he's gotten us into (he's now locked out of all accounts), he will have to move into an apartment, but will have to maintain the finances here until I can find another contract (I contract from home to stay with the animals).
This is the only solution I can find that does not mean completely losing myself or letting the animals down.
I fully expect him to "break the rules" before tonight is out unless he just doesn't speak, so I'm pretty sure this is what will happen. I hate to impose on my friend in this way and at least two of my animals will be very upset not sleeping with me. But, I'm at my end, I can't do this anymore.

Thank you all for your support. I know this is like the dumbest sounding thing on the planet. Why would any thinking woman stay with a man like this? To be honest, I until I left work, I just WANTED the dream of the man who worshipped me to be true. And weirdly, we work very well together when it comes to the animals and even when we were both in corporate America. I just cannot and should not be married to a man who cares this little about me.
Thank you all for helping me to see this

This is my opinion. The reason you are staying is honorable, but this man is destructive, manipulative and cruel, and he will not change, ever, for any reason. I think the reason you are having trouble leaving is not because of the animals, it’s because he has removed from you the strength you need to leave. You don't have enough strength left to realize that. It sounds like to me that if you continue in your current path, you will not be helping the animals because you will either not be with us anymore, or too sick to care for them. The only chance the animals have is for you to get away from him NOW, and then do whatever you can to save as many animals as you can on your own, or with help from others. This man is poison, and will always be nothing more than poison. Leave now. I wish you the best.
 
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