Heads you win, Tails I lose

LookingForward

Well-known member
The Setup: My (x)partner has recently (in a round about way) admitted to using me for years for my money and other things.
We have a kid together and have been on relatively good terms since our split a few years ago. I currently voluntarily pay her a lot of money to ensure our daughter is well taken care of although I know she wastes a lot of it on herself.
The Problem:
I find myself at complete conflict within my mind.
- Part of me can't bear being mean in any way and is telling me to leave things the way they are.
- The other side of me is so angry at what I have learned that I want to just erase her from my life. I can't even look at her without feeling myself boil inside.
I know the "normal" thing to do would be to just tell her exactly what I think of someone who can treat people that way and to cut the money flow to a minimum, but as we all know I'm not "normal" and even though I haven't even done anything yet I'm already feeling guilty at the thought of doing it.
I know protecting myself is the right thing to do even though it requires me to almost be the kind of person I don't like, the one that puts themselves first and F##k everyone else.

I can't look at her, but I think unless I do something I won't be able to look at myself either...
 

jaim38

Well-known member
This reminds me of the relationship btw my parents. My dad loves my mom and that's why he married her, but I don't think my mom felt the same way. I think she married my dad partly for the financial security and partly due to familial pressure. Now, they've been married for over 20 years but my mom has misused my dad's money on lawyers, cameras, and other ridiculous things.

I think you should consider cutting the money flow to the minimum because she shouldn't be squandering your money like this. And she'll probably take you to court for this, but at least the court can settle the child support payments once and for all.
 

JackOfSpades

Well-known member
Just a shot in the dark for a different perspective, but are you sure this is the case? I mean, can you find evidence of this in retrospect? Or could it be bitterness on her part to say things like that now? I've seen both cases among friends.
 

Hoppy

Well-known member
Going to court about this and being bitter is going to help no one. You voluntarily pay money to her for the child's upkeep, and I assume you can afford it.

I do not know how old the child is, but cannot you divert some money into a college fund? And if the child is getting old enough starting to pay some money directly to her as pocket money?
 

truffleshuffle

Well-known member
I will say if taken to court you would have to prove things. Also you may end up paying more than what you pay now too. A lot of judges will side with the single mom over the father anyway. I mean if your paying support that means she has the child most of the time already and just on that it would be hard to cut down what money you already send her.
 
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LookingForward

Well-known member
but cannot you divert some money into a college fund? QUOTE]

Nice thought, tried that already, I put 15,000 in a joint account to be held specifically for our child's education, trusting that it would be used wisely, 6 months later I learned she had wiped it out buying crap for herself... and the worst thing was that she saw absolutely nothing wrong with that... no remorse whatsoever...
 
U

user deleted

Guest
A friend of mine was in a very similar situation to yours. He would send money, and then the mother of his child would say "I've no money for electric.. heating.." etc so he'd send more. She'd constantly say she was about to be kicked out, and he just couldn't risk not believing her so he'd send her rent money.

In the end, he made the decision to just buy everything himself. When she asked for money for something, he'd ask to see the bill and pay it himself, or he'd buy her clothes, groceries etc himself. At least now he knows the money he's paying out is going on his daughter, and not to fund his ex-wife's lifestyle.
 

truffleshuffle

Well-known member
but cannot you divert some money into a college fund? QUOTE]

Nice thought, tried that already, I put 15,000 in a joint account to be held specifically for our child's education, trusting that it would be used wisely, 6 months later I learned she had wiped it out buying crap for herself... and the worst thing was that she saw absolutely nothing wrong with that... no remorse whatsoever...
Set up the collage fund where the child and only the child can have access of it when they reach a age to use it for collage like eighteen or something. Don't give the mother any way of access to the account this way she dosent have a chance to wipe it out and use it for her self.
 

surewhynot

Well-known member
A woman marries a man just for his money, using him. She divorces him and still wants his money, giving nothing in exchange. Some people just feel entitled to everything.. people are heartless...
 
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